Page 2 | To make my son keep his bedroom door open if he has girls in

Annaishere · 2023-07-17T14:13:31+00:00

He’s 16. Im not sure if I should do this or randomly check on them. He’s in a new relationship and wants to have her round soon (would be first time he’s had a girlfriend home)

LauraNicolaides · 17/07/2023 17:30

It's time to start letting go - if it's any sort of mistake at all, he will make plenty of worse mistakes in life!

LaMaG · 17/07/2023 17:35

I am surprised at how many people focus on 'legal' here. Isn't a mother allowed to have concerns over her sons behaviour, he is still a kid and her responsibility. I'm not saying she can control him but I find the presumption that they are going to have sex a bit much. Maybe he isn't ready? Maybe the girl isn't? Maybe I'm naive and you guys all ran out and shagged the first person you saw on your 16th birthday??!!

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 17/07/2023 17:38

LaMaG · 17/07/2023 17:35

I am surprised at how many people focus on 'legal' here. Isn't a mother allowed to have concerns over her sons behaviour, he is still a kid and her responsibility. I'm not saying she can control him but I find the presumption that they are going to have sex a bit much. Maybe he isn't ready? Maybe the girl isn't? Maybe I'm naive and you guys all ran out and shagged the first person you saw on your 16th birthday??!!

A week after my 15th birthday actually.

Jellycatspyjamas · 17/07/2023 17:45

I am surprised at how many people focus on 'legal' here. Isn't a mother allowed to have concerns over her sons behaviour, he is still a kid and her responsibility.

Of course he’s her responsibility but conversations about sex and boundaries need to happen way before they turn up with a girlfriend and you’re thinking keeping a door open will stop them. I’m already having conversations with my 12 year old about consent, boundaries, the place of sex in relationships, respect for herself and our home (generally, not saying “no sex under my roof”). By the time she’s 16 and possibly facing that decision she’ll know my hopes and expectations for her.

Parenting around sex and relationships is tricky, complex and starts from a young age.

Dotcheck · 17/07/2023 17:47

Gnittensmum · 17/07/2023 17:25

Give the poor guy some space!! If they’re going to have sex, wouldn’t you rather it was at home than in a car/park etc. Sex at 16 is legal and normal. Treat it otherwise and it can become a lifetime of issues and therapists fees.

Therapist fees?
Really? From having the door open? No.
It is ok for parents to have house rules. You can have open discussions with teens about sex, but still not want them to have sex in your house with someone they hardly know.

I would suggest that making it easy for them to have sex with whoever they decide to bring home would lead to, we’ll, having a lot of sex with people they hardly know. Surely that is more damaging?

amberisola · 17/07/2023 17:52

All this does is tell your son you don't trust him and possibly make the girl think that you don't her. I had one boyfriend whose parents made him do this - we were 18! It seemed so infantilising.

amberisola · 17/07/2023 17:52

*don't like her

Treacletoots · 17/07/2023 17:54

I really don't understand why some people still treat sex as a taboo.

It's not like he's dealing drugs, or stealing cars. He's just wanting to do something perfect normal, that most adults do.

Having an open and honest conversation with your DC about important stuff such as consent, contraception etc is the best thing you can do, rather than trying to stop him by insisting on the door being open.

I'd rather my DC was at home, in her own safe space and felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it. That's the safest way to approach it IMHO.

MatildaTheCat · 17/07/2023 17:59

How on earth do you know about her initiating more intimate kissing???

You might need to step back a bit. Have chats about safe, consensual relationships and then remind yourself he’s 16 not 6.

Dacadactyl · 17/07/2023 18:02

Treacletoots · 17/07/2023 17:54

I really don't understand why some people still treat sex as a taboo.

It's not like he's dealing drugs, or stealing cars. He's just wanting to do something perfect normal, that most adults do.

Having an open and honest conversation with your DC about important stuff such as consent, contraception etc is the best thing you can do, rather than trying to stop him by insisting on the door being open.

I'd rather my DC was at home, in her own safe space and felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it. That's the safest way to approach it IMHO.

The issue is he's not an adult, neither is she.

All well and good if at 16 they can cope with an unexpected pregnancy and support themselves etc, but there is no 16 year old I know of capable of this.

LaMaG · 17/07/2023 18:05

Dotcheck · 17/07/2023 17:47

Therapist fees?
Really? From having the door open? No.
It is ok for parents to have house rules. You can have open discussions with teens about sex, but still not want them to have sex in your house with someone they hardly know.

I would suggest that making it easy for them to have sex with whoever they decide to bring home would lead to, we’ll, having a lot of sex with people they hardly know. Surely that is more damaging?

Show quote history

I would suggest that making it easy for them to have sex with whoever they decide to bring home would lead to, we’ll, having a lot of sex with people they hardly know. Surely that is more damaging?

Exactly what I think! There is a difference between encouraging and being respectful of his privacy. I would think have a frank discussion with him and suss out where the relationship is at before deciding what way you will approach it. Obviously you need to talk about boundaries contraception etc but I don't think leaving condoms around is doing anything other than making him feel under huge pressure to lose his virginity, he will feel even his MUM expects him to be having sex so there must be something wrong if he doesn't want it yet or with this particular girl.

LaMaG · 17/07/2023 18:06

Apologies for the double quote there!

Original poster

Annaishere · 17/07/2023 18:09

@LaMaG he thinks he’s in a serious relationship but he said he isn’t looking to take things further. I wouldn’t buy him contraception as I would hope he knows enough that he would buy it himself and I don’t want to condone what I don’t agree with. I just don’t think he’s mature enough

OP posts:

Original poster

Annaishere · 17/07/2023 18:10

MatildaTheCat · 17/07/2023 17:59

How on earth do you know about her initiating more intimate kissing???

You might need to step back a bit. Have chats about safe, consensual relationships and then remind yourself he’s 16 not 6.

He just told me

OP posts:

TrixieFatell · 17/07/2023 18:12

My daughter has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for 10 months. They are both 15 and it is both their first serious relationship. We never insist on them keeping the door open, and he has stayed the night here. My youngest is always going into the room though so they are a great contraception. 🤣

I have had numerous conversations with all my children about sex and relationships. No topic has been taboo and as a result she has been pretty open about her relationship. She has said they are thinking of having sex. I did say I would prefer for them to wait until they were 16 but if they decided to have sex that she should have contraception sorted and we have discussed the different types. We have spoken about pregnancy and the emotional impact. She did say she would wait for a bit but I sure it won't be long.

So people might not agree with me but I do respect her privacy. I have to trust she is going to make the decisions that are best for her, and that I have given her all the information and knowledge to make these decisions. I don't like the idea of my child having sex but I would hate for her not to feel she could talk to me about it. I couldn't have those conversations and it led me to make some terrible choices and left me vulnerable.

LaMaG · 17/07/2023 18:13

Annaishere · 17/07/2023 18:09

@LaMaG he thinks he’s in a serious relationship but he said he isn’t looking to take things further. I wouldn’t buy him contraception as I would hope he knows enough that he would buy it himself and I don’t want to condone what I don’t agree with. I just don’t think he’s mature enough

It sounds like you are being sensible and open minded too.

My DS is only a little younger and these threads scare me a bit but I know its only around the corner so I'm reading with interest!

Brightandshining · 17/07/2023 18:19

I personally wouldn't insist on the door being open. Id be having an in depth conversation with your son about pregnancy, contraception and active consent. And id be buying condoms and giving them to him. Id be telling him that I wasnt giving them to him to put him under any pressure to have sex now but just so that they were there for when the time was right for him.
Sticking your head in the sand neither helps nor protects anyone. Having open discussions about consent, contraception, STDs and pregnancy does. When they want to have sex they will do and if they can't do it in your home they'll find somewhere else.. yes that isnt ALWAYS the case but its very common. You are playing a dangerous game if you think just making them leave the door open and not buying him condoms and having the talk with him, is going to somehow stave off his sexuality

itsmyp4rty · 17/07/2023 18:28

I would ask for door to be kept open and i wouldn't have them staying over. The kids with the most permissive parents at my school were the ones that were having sex earliest. He might do it elsewhere of course but that doesn't mean you have to enable it. It's not that sex is bad or taboo just that 16 is too young IMO for the emotional aspect of it and the risks of things going wrong with contraception are too high. Happy for others to be cool mums if that's their choice though.

There is even another thread where someone's dd has told the OP's young son that she's on the pill so they've decided not to bother with condoms. She's been using ovulation sticks and so may be trying to get pregnant having already had a miscarriage.

Lenor · 17/07/2023 18:32

I absolutely wouldn’t. I’m in my 20s so 16 wasn’t all that long ago… my dad would insist on the door being open etc and it just meant I put myself in more dangerous situations to have sex. It didn’t prevent me from actually having sex.

Parisj · 17/07/2023 18:35

We took the approach that we weren't trying to prevent them having sex, but providing some boundaries so it didn't get too overly intense straight away, and gave us all time to adapt. So I said bedroom with open door or living room for first few visits, and I made sure to walk in occasionally. Different cut offs for school nights. Having days when they didn't see each other. Pointed out that it needed to be ok for either to say they didn't feel like meeting up, and if that upset or annoyed the other person it would be a red flag. Invited them to join us for the odd meal. And didn't allow sleeping over at either house for a few months. But our rules grew and adapted with their relationship. I think dc kind of appreciated that approach. They haven't done this before! They need our wisdom haha.

Maddy70 · 17/07/2023 19:02

I think that fine - - I know what I was like--

Coffeedrinker7 · 17/07/2023 19:04

My 15yo DD has her boyfriend over, I don’t insist on the door open. Main reason being it’s a bit of a moot point- I don’t get home from work until after 5 so she is home alone for 2 hours most days after school anyway, so whatever I say she could be getting up to all sorts! So I’ve just gone down the route of talking to her about boundaries etc, showing her I trust her. I do pop in every now and then if he’s there and make plenty of noise in the hallway to make it clear I’m ‘around’! I’d also much rather they be here than out and about somewhere, at least this way I can get to know him.

I would definitely draw the line at sleepovers at this age though!

Serena73 · 17/07/2023 19:11

I would not ever do that - I would just let them get on with it. You can't control them, you can only advise.

Gnittensmum · 17/07/2023 20:02

There’s some really good reasoned advice on this thread! @Parisj thats pretty much what we did and it’s worked really well. It means we know where they are, they trust us, they know we trust them and we all adapt and change around their relationship. It makes me sad to see people say how scared they are about their children becoming sexually active, it’s such a lovely part of being a human. Open dialogue, trust and respect and allowing growth has definitely worked for us.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 17/07/2023 20:30

Yes I would 100% have this as a rule.

I think those saying no are not considering that 16 YOs will shut the door and shag at 330 in the afternoon. Not so bad if it's 10pm and you're watching tv downstairs.

It's not necessarily about stopping them having sex though. It's about setting some boundaries - like, I don't want you having sex while the rest of the house have to pretend you're not.