To just want one person to understand

[Nothingleftinthetank]

N/c because I've had ten years of being misinterpreted.

So I'm ten years out of losing my son who was stillborn at full term.Im ok. Life is good. But sometimes, in my dreams, I'm just filled with seething rage at how I've been treated since this loss.

Everyone was kind and sympathetic when it happened, but my grief far outlived their sympathy. Six months after he died, people were saying 'it's not right that she's still grieving, it's not normal' and by people I mean my mum, my husband, the people i called my best friends.

One so-called friend sent me an angry email when I was not able to see her when she was pregnant. (This was maybe 2 years post loss and being in close company with pregnant women still to this day makes me feel unsettled and shaky in a visceral way. The psychiatrist I saw said it was PTSD and not something I can just snap out of)

The end result is that I just don't talk about it to my mum, my husband or friends, and I've learned to keep my feelings to myself and expect nothing. Some counselling had helped a bit. And life moved on. I'm happy and thriving in most ways. I'm not a grieving wreck by any stretch but I do have the odd bad day.

But tonight I mentioned to my husband that I wouldn't be seeing a friend who was pregnant until her baby was hopefully safely here and his response was 'oh wow that's a long time not to see her' with what I am sure was a bit of of eye roll. I'd have liked him to have said 'that's hard. Are you ok? Is there something I can do?' But no. Just more judgement. And the impression I should be over it by now.

I'm just so sad that there isn't one person in my life who can just sit with my feelings and tell me it's ok. I've had 10 years of feeling so desperately alone.

I'm not looking for advice. I have support groups (please don’t mention SANDS!!) I have other women who have been through this. I just wanted to shout this out. I'm tired of being misunderstood by those closest to me. I'm just so bloody tired and let down.

Shout it out.

I lost my baby (2 weeks overdue) and I had to be big and strong for my other child (according to DH). It nearly tore me apart and some days I still struggle with what he did/said more than her death, and this was 24 years ago. I also hear you about SANDS.

The "problem" is that despite going through the same thing, everyone experiences it differently. I'm very sorry for your loss

Thank you. And I’m very sorry for what you went though 24 years ago too.

I feel like people at the time always said ‘try SANDS’ as shorthand for’ I can’t deal with your pain’. Idiots who honestly thought I’d never heard of such an organisation after losing a baby! It’s like recommending fucking NASA to astronauts FFS.

i suppose I just feel like my apparent normalness and happiness mask how broken I will always be in this one aspect of my life. And it’s inconvenient for other people to acknowledge. They just want me to shut up and not be angry or traumatised or sad.

And I hear you about being ‘big and strong’. I was so sick of people reminding me I had other children to think about, when I was breaking myself apart trying to be a good mum and carry the grief alone

Not everyone can overcome a life event easily, everyone grieved differently, and some will take more time than other. I perfectly understand how you feel and you have all my sympathy.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Grieving has no calendar to tell you when it will end. There are many of us who totally understand or can empathise with your loss.
You’re doing well to be able to keep your feelings to yourself. Is there a special place you can go to remember your baby when you feel particularly low? Just take yourself off and grieve in peace. It’s a shame your husband does not understand but it is what it is so carry on doing what soothes your soul and put what anyone else thinks out of your mind. Do what helps you.

I get it OP. I’ve not been through what you’ve been through but my sibling died nearly 30 years ago whilst i was a kid and they were a kid too. You don’t just get over stuff like this so quickly. It still hurts. Hearing the disease triggers me. Certain illness symptoms send me into a spiral.

It’s taken a lot of therapy, and I’ve started up again recently. I know you’ve done loads but you are still having s PTSD reaction- maybe look at EMDR and trauma therapy.

I hope you’re ok.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't see how anyone could ever expect you to get over this.
He should be here. You should have him.
It's so very very shit and I'm so sorry they aren't supporting you.
I can understand why you're protecting yourself when none of them will.

I'm still not over things that happened to me more than 10 years ago and they aren't even as bad as losing a child. I can absolutely respect the pain you feel and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So sorry for your loss OP. Truly wish you had the support and understanding that you need.

I had grief too (for my mum though) that lasted much longer than others thought it was "meant" to... The expectations are cruel.

Just going to echo the PP who recommended EMDR though, it helped massively with my PTSD so could be worth a try - those visceral aversion feelings might well improve a lot.

But how you feel is valid and if you spend your whole life avoiding your triggers then that's fine by me! Your grief is yours, no one else's business.

I so wish your son was there with you for a bedtime cuddle tonight.

I understand. Currently 20 years in.
I had therapy which half worked but never fully healed my heart. My parents certainly didn't understand and said everything was for the best and never talk about it. My dh doesn't understand. In fact he once said why do you feel like that I certainly don't. Also today told me he didnt really want another child. I had a friend who went through the same and her dh and family were over the top supportive. She had to tell them to tone it down. I cried buckets when I heard that.

It's lonely op. I too look ok on the outside but not on inside. I had a massive trigger 3 years ago. (Basically someone said I hadn't looked after my other child). It was laughed out because I'm actually the opposite. Some of my counciling was about relaxing my parenting as I think my kids are going to die at any minute so I over protect massively and have anxiety about it. Everyone can't understand because it was a throw away gossipy comment. Mean while I can't sleep just cry on my own in the bath or bed.

I hope you feel better just knowing I'm the same and you are not alone. I know I did reading your post.

My only advice is royal flu on bad days. - fake a uti / migraine whatever and take a mental health day ( we are all entitled to take them but everyone raises an eye brow).

If you don't want to see someone fill up your diary very quickly. Online courses are fab 'oh I can't do that date I have work to hand in - im super stressed cant even manage a quick cuppa.' Oh no dh are out celebrating...... in that day'. - its not a long time at all. I'm assuming they are 12 weeks before telling people so only 6 months.

I hear you OP.
And I'm sorry for the loss of your child. Your husband of all people should understand, and I'm sorry you're surrounded by so much heartlessness.

I'm sorry for you loss.

Other people's reactions to your grief are shit. And shit on them for it!

I had an 18 week loss. And 9 mcs over the years following it. But this was all 15/20 years ago now.

However, I'm in a job where I deal with any loss often, whilst I "stay strong" in work for the parents and baby im caring for my colleagues often tell me they don't do things I do, I do it because I know what it means being on the other side so I will take the time to take photos/ handprints/foot prints and I'll never leave the baby alone, even when they've passed.

But it utterly breaks me everytime. When I get home I fall apart,

I guess what I'm trying to say. You never get over the loss of your baby or child. And people need to shut up

Sending hugs ❤️

I‘m so sorry.

Grief had no rules

No one can dictate how you feel.

You are not wrong for feeling how you do, and for grieving as you do

@OrwellianTimes thank you. So sorry about your sibling. Wishing you well with your therapy, I know what you mean about trigger diseases and illnesses. I’m definitely interested in EMDR, I have heard good things. I think what has put me off is just feeling somehow like the trauma is all I have left of him, like somehow that broken part of me is a way of remembering him. I don’t know. I don’t know what would be left after all that.

@Lonejohny i feel everything you’ve said and I’m also glad if my words helped you feel less alone. I’m the same, the therapy and support groups did some good, but my heart will never not be broken. I’m sorry you went through this too and were let down. Six months of someone else’s pregnancy is nothing, right? How can I be sad about not seeing someone for 6 months when I have a lifetime without my child! Sending love x

@mrsneate in awe of your strength. I’m sorry for all you’ve been though but beyond thisgrateful you’ve used it to help others in this way. I imagine it must take a lot out of you, but at the same time feel like an honour to be a part of that family’s last moments with their precious baby

And thank you everyone else who commented. It helps just to throw my rage out there, knowing someone will read it and maybe not judge me as harshly as I have been

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I completely understand and get how you feel.
Although it’s been over ten years since I went through similar and I also have other children , I still get times when I have a surge of feelings and emotions.
I think I was really strong and healed and moved on within a few years but certain things would trigger anger or sadness , for me , it was social media posts so I deleted a lot of accounts.
To this day I’d say I’m 95% ok but sometimes that little percent of “ why me “ comes over me in a wave , and sometimes it’s not a sad wave , sometimes it’s a frustration wave and I think that’s normal. It means I haven’t forgotten my DD.
I don’t ever share how I feel as it’s been so long now but I definitely still feel it.
I think when you have been through something like this it always stays with you.
So I’d say I’m no longer sad and I have made peace with the way my life is but of course I have fleeting glimpse of what could have been.

I hope this helps and explains and that you are not alone with how you feel.

I haven't lost a child's so please don't jump down my throat if I say something wrong.

Do you think maybe your husband might be trying to help you? Maybe he thinks by keep avoiding upsetting situations, you're not giving yourself the opportunity to face them and deal with them. For some people that's how their mind works. A bit like aversion therapy. They force themselves to go through it and each time it becomes a little but easier to face.

We all cope with grief and painful episodes differently. Please know that I'm not in any way criticising you for how you deal with it, and I can't understand people thinking there's a timetable on grief, but I'm assuming that your husband does love you and he wants you to be happy. Maybe he is of the opinion that your way is not serving you that well and his way would be better?

I'm not agreeing with him but I just thought I'd offer a different view to other people. I hope that all right. My deepest condolences. Some grief just never goes but just sits beneath the surface.

I get it. I'm not in your shoes and I haven't felt your pain or loss. But I get it.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

If I was your friend I'd talk to you about your baby. Your lost dreams and hopes. How in some way your baby is still a part of you. What you would have called him, what he looked like, all of those things that made him uniquely yours.

There is no closure. But sharing how you feel, having some caring and listening and nurturing is something. I don't understand why people around you are shutting you down. It doesn't speed up the healing, it just blocks it.

When l lost my baby at 23 weeks an older mom in the neighbourhood came and sat with me and listened and cried for her baby that she lost about 30 years before. Sometimes it's the unexpected people who help.
I never minded seeing other people's babies as l wanted my baby not theirs but l still keep count of where those born at the same time are now 34 years later.
But..and l mean this in kindness..l know l don't always give each person the sympathy and listening ear they deserve in whatever trial they are going through so l have accepted others will be the same in my situation.

I’m really sorry OP. Grief is overwhelming and unpredictable. And it is very personal. I am sorry you haven’t had the support you needed from those closest to you. Just wanted to say I hear you.

Why do you assume they don't understand you? I don't think it's understanding you're looking for, it's tunconditional tolerance/acceptance. They probably do understand your feelings (as much as anyone can understand anyones) and know you can't easily change how you feel, but you're asking them to just accept how your behaviour negatively impacts on others and to have no emotional reaction to it. They get annoyed/disappointed/ exasperated etc. That's a normal reaction. Your essentially asking them not to. That's not going to happen.
Just as they continue to love you despite your ways, your part is to accept that there will be sighs and eye rolls each time you 'let someone down'....butbif you each love one another you'll all stick around and muddle through.

Just as they continue to love you despite your ways, your part is to accept that there will be sighs and eye rolls each time you 'let someone down’

Her ways?

With respect, this isn't the type of thread that needs a "different perspective" from someone who has no idea what it feels like to lose a child. This poor woman has spent ten years seeing everyone else's point of view.
Read the room.