To just want one person to understand

[Nothingleftinthetank]

N/c because I've had ten years of being misinterpreted.

So I'm ten years out of losing my son who was stillborn at full term.Im ok. Life is good. But sometimes, in my dreams, I'm just filled with seething rage at how I've been treated since this loss.

Everyone was kind and sympathetic when it happened, but my grief far outlived their sympathy. Six months after he died, people were saying 'it's not right that she's still grieving, it's not normal' and by people I mean my mum, my husband, the people i called my best friends.

One so-called friend sent me an angry email when I was not able to see her when she was pregnant. (This was maybe 2 years post loss and being in close company with pregnant women still to this day makes me feel unsettled and shaky in a visceral way. The psychiatrist I saw said it was PTSD and not something I can just snap out of)

The end result is that I just don't talk about it to my mum, my husband or friends, and I've learned to keep my feelings to myself and expect nothing. Some counselling had helped a bit. And life moved on. I'm happy and thriving in most ways. I'm not a grieving wreck by any stretch but I do have the odd bad day.

But tonight I mentioned to my husband that I wouldn't be seeing a friend who was pregnant until her baby was hopefully safely here and his response was 'oh wow that's a long time not to see her' with what I am sure was a bit of of eye roll. I'd have liked him to have said 'that's hard. Are you ok? Is there something I can do?' But no. Just more judgement. And the impression I should be over it by now.

I'm just so sad that there isn't one person in my life who can just sit with my feelings and tell me it's ok. I've had 10 years of feeling so desperately alone.

I'm not looking for advice. I have support groups (please don’t mention SANDS!!) I have other women who have been through this. I just wanted to shout this out. I'm tired of being misunderstood by those closest to me. I'm just so bloody tired and let down.

Jesus wept.

She is on AIBU. So I'd think she is asking for different views.
I wasn't being rude. I sympathise for how she is feeling. I was just saying why her husband might have said what he did to explain that he wasn't meaning to be insensitive.
I don't want to say anything more to you because it doesn't feel like the appropriate thread.

Awful wasn’t it? Just wanting to make sure her own disdain towards the OP not being over it yet was quite plain…

No disdain. I have every sympathy for her. I'm just saying whilst she's essentially saying she can't help the way she's still feeling I'm balancing that by say that maybe the people around her can't help their own feelings either. People will from time to time get fed up, but those that matter will continue to love her and stick around accepting that this behaviour is part of the package....but it seems unrealistic the expect unconditional acceptance from anyone. Just as she isn't blaming the pregnant woman for the pain and hurt its triggering, neither is anyone 'blaming' her for her behaviour. It's give and take

Just to let you know that your 'tell it how it is' routine doesn't help anyone, ever.

First people have to be understood. Asking someone traumatised to understand how the other person feels. Nah.

OP I am so sorry, I haven't been through what you have but I know someone who has and her grief wasn't understood by others either beyond the initial period.

No one has the right to tell others how they should feel and deal with their trauma.

I can understand, completely, how you feel. You have every right to your feelings. It must be so awful to feel you need to hide them from your loved ones.

Never been through this, but my mother lost her son 30+ years ago and her grief is still very much present. She struggled watching me through my pregnancy for fear it would happen to me. She talks about him daily, cries about him often. But she still gets angry because "no one will ever understand how she feels". It is a grief that no one can ever explain. I grew up knowing all about him and what happened and really I think was very desensitised to it all until I grew up and my mother was less censored about her grief and then when I had my own it dawned on me how awful it really was for her, I often cry with her now because I can empathise.

How awful for you that you don't have that support network around you to be able to talk about it, shout about it, scream about it when you need to. You must feel so much frustration with your loved ones. Sadly I think this is very much how my dad reacted with my mum. Just brushed over it all and tried to keep going as if it never happened. Ultimately this is what lead to their divorce. Years of not talking about how she felt just led to resentment, and she had enough of trying to live like her DS and her grief didn't exist.

What the fuck did I just read?

I hear you. I don't know what it's like, but I hear and believe you. I wonder if some of the residual trauma is from the lack of solid compassion and understanding you got at the time. I'm sending you a huge hug and reminder that you're not unreasonable for still being affected by such a devastating loss.

OP, as I'm sure you know all too well, Life changing trauma is just that. You don't 'get over it'. You don't 'win the battle'. You don't 'finally get better'. All these common phrases imply that you are not trying hard enough if you 'fail' to achieve them in a certain timeliness.

Your life has been different for 10 years. You have evolved ways of making it possible to cope with that, eg not seeing pregnant friends. I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that those around you don't see how it is for you.
How it may always be for you.

It might be worth exploring what you mentioned about holding onto the pain being connected to holding onto your memories (paraphrasing so sorry if not perfectly put). You'd need a really good Counsellor alongside you though.

OP, I had a MMC at 10 weeks and I can't even imagine your situation. After my MC I avoided my pregnant friends for ages and I felt that It was my right to do so - I did it for my mental health. You do YOU! Your main priority is YOU and your mental health, whatever you have to do to keep afloat.

Grief and healing are not linear, they are different for every single person and you have the right to heal at your own pace. And if your friends don't get it (purely theoretical, of course), they are selfish.

I am terribly sorry for your loss and I hope life will be kind to you

I think this is the main problem with baby loss. Everyone is so sympathetic at the the start and you get all the flowers and praise for being a hero looking after your surviving kids whilst going through what you are. Then a month passes and no one mentions it anymore. Then it's been a year and it's a completely forgotten thing. But every day you wake up and think about how old your baby would be and what you might be doing today. What your life might be like without this awful sadness that you have to carry everywhere. And your DH either doesn't get it or doesn't bring it up and you are just left with all this sadness and anger, even years on.

I read something recently about grief being like a ball inside a box with a button and everytime the ball hits the button you feel this immediate desperate sadness. When it first happens the ball fills the box so the button gets hit all the time. Then day by day the ball gets smaller so less likely to hit the button but wverytime it does the effects don't lesson at all. And years on the ball is tiny but if it hits that button you are hit with the sadness just the same as the first day. This is so true for me, I can now go weeks without feeling that horrific panic attack intensity feeling of sadness rather than anxiety. But then one day someone casually mentions they are going on holiday on my baby's due date and I'm back in the room in the split second when my DH doesn't have a clue but I see the songraphers face and I know that the hb that we previously saw has gone.

Guys, don't engage with JudgeRudy, he joing threads specifically to wind the OP up.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. You should take as long as you need before you can spend time with pregnant friends, even if you're never ready that's ok. Your grief now is a sign of how much you love your prescious baby. Your baby would have felt that, and it's normal and right that you feel that love for them still now. If for you that makes these meetings too hard, that's fine.

I do think that society unjustly expect women to just get on with baby related grief. Had you lost someone in a car crash or in a mountaineering accident, people would be understanding of you not getting in cars or going up mouintains for their weddings. But because you lost your prescious baby in this way, people want you to ignore your PTSD triggers. If you value the friendship then perhaps an email back explaining might help, but there is no obligation to.

You are mistaken. l'm not 'joking threads specifically to wind the OP up' and I'm quite happy for non engagement going forth. My post was saying that I think people do understand, and they do care/sympathise. Theyre j7st notvable to support OP in the way that she wants. That doesnt mean theyre bad people. They could well be very tolerant, patient, and supportive, but OP is traumatised and its not enough.

Oh sweetheart @Nothingleftinthetank I'm so sorry for your loss, and as others have said there is no timetable of grief, no tickbox of 'being over it'
The truth is bereavement changes you, exposes every raw nerve and emotion, but sadly it does not change anyone else in quite the same way. I'm grieving my husband, and know only too well that others (some, not all) around me are moving into the realm of compassion fatigue.
I can't control that, and you can't control your family and friends either. And it's just so hard.
A hard, long, painful and difficult journey, and also so very personal.
You will never 'get over it' but I hope you can get used to living with it.

I lost my much wanted baby at 17 weeks pregnant and it took me the longest time to move onwards. DH grieved with me though. One of my friends was pregnant at the same time, we found out within a week of each other. I just couldn't go to see her when her baby was tiny. I sent a card and gift but just couldn't face seeing her baby in person. I get it OP and you have every right to feel let down by your family.

A very dear friend of mine went through similar 36 years ago.

I was there for her then and now.

Im sorry the people who should understand you OP, choose not to.

OP I’m so sorry. I feel your pain. I too feel like I am expected to have gotten over the death of dd and must not be triggered by pregnant friends. I am sick of being told people grieve differently (of course we do); unless you’ve been through the experience of losing a child, you really can’t understand our grief. Sending you so much love and the reassurance that how you are feeling is totally valid.