Or should I refuse to put up with my neighbour’s husband’s aggressive behaviour triggered by our house repairs?

[workingtowards]

We are from London, but four years ago bought a property in Suffolk to be closer to my husband’s family who live here. Being ‘London wankers’ as the locals affectionately say, we were expecting some antagonism, but instead of that, we have found people kind, welcoming and have made some really good friends. We are really happy here.

However, our house had been neglected for several years. The woodwork on the roof needed repairing and there was a party wall that was falling down.

Our problem is with the husband nextdoor, whose drive runs alongside our house. His wife is lovely and I talked to her about the situation saying that we might need access to their drive to fix our roof at a later date. I asked if they would like to talk to the builders when they came to work on a (separate) job.

She said yes, but on the day, rather that her coming out, her husband came. His face was puce and his fists were balled up in anger. I am only 5ft 1, but luckily had the builders with me. He was so angry, he was walking in circles and gesticulating and not really making any sense. I eventually managed to stem his flow of fury to explain that we didn’t even know yet if the work needed to be done, we just wanted to let him know what might need to happen. We did receive an apology by text later, saying that he had misunderstood what was going on.

Roll on to this week, and the repair of the party wall. We are paying for it all, as he made it clear that he would not contribute, despite it being joint responsibility according to the deeds. To be honest, I am willing to accept that, as we are paying an amazing local guy who builds flint walls. It will be slow and expensive, but we will end with something we are proud of.

I set up a group what’s app with him and his wife and showed them plans and told them who the builders were. We took them round our garden, explained everything and adjusted plans to accommodate his wishes (low at the back, so the sun hits his veg patch). Fundamentally, I bent over backwards for him, despite them not paying towards it. They agreed access via their side (we are semi attached on the other side).

So, first day of building, he went absolutely beserk, haranguing the builders. (The trigger was his wife allowing the builders to park on their drive) I had 2 hours of incoherent angry text messages and photos when he got back from work, despite immediately dealing with any issue he raised. The photos literally just show the wall being taken down and a couple of stray leaves and rocks.

So, the builders no longer access from his side, just because of his temper, and I am bracing myself to face his red faced fury when I get back.

My gut instinct is to just draw a line and say that I am not willing to be spoken to in this way. Do I need to keep trying to engage with him and put up with his abuse? He is so aggressive, I worry for his wife.

Honestly I would not engage further face to face, he sounds unhinged and like discussing in person will only put you in a vulnerable situation again. I wouldn't arrange to speak in person at all, and just communicate by message. I'd just feign being rushed to get to appointments or pretend to be talking on the phone on the off-chance I saw him. You've been more than reasonable so I'd keep a low profile for now but tbh it sounds like he's a bully who'd either back off if you confront him , or he'll become vindictive and make your life hell.

I would make it clear that you won't be spoken to like that if it ever does get confrontational but don't get into explanations, defensive rational thought, just stick to facts and messages. I've been there with crazy neighbours and expectations and you'd think, as a reasonable person, that they would react with reason and empathy. Sometimes, they just won't and waiting for them to realise how much you've bent over to accommodate crazy from their side won't ever happen.

My best advice is ignore but make it clear you won't tolerate abuse if he confronts, but don't try and discuss or reason, you're just feeding the nutjob.

Let your husband deal with him instead, it shouldn't all be on you. He sounds like a nightmare.

I have a mental downstairs neighbour. He wanted me to walk quieter. I have young nieces and nephews in very occasionally and they run around. I ended up telling him that is just what it sounds like when you live in flats and he went crazy screaming and running off in a big tantrum. The next time he came to my door I told him straight off in no uncertain terms to ever come back. He never has although still bangs the ceiling aggressively and shouts if I slam a door etc. Some people just believe the world revolves around them and you can’t reason with people like that. Certainly not if they are aggressive

Those reactions aren’t on a spectrum of normal so at the very least he has anger management issues.

I wouldn’t be getting into it with him 1:1 or face to face.

I'm a little confused OP, (not that unusual, lol) if his drive runs alongside your house, how come you share a party wall with them? Usually if you share a wall then the driveways have to be on opposite sides of the two houses, ie, your drive, your house, party wall, his house, his drive? Have I misunderstood the layout here?

Sorry - it is a bit complicated. Their drive runs alongside our house, and then there is a wall that runs between our two gardens. The the wall has been dangerous since a section fell down 3 years before we moved in.

I think that avoiding face to face is a good idea. I don’t want to pass it over to my husband, as, despite my size, I am not accepting intimidation and that seems to be what what he wants to do. I think putting down ground rules about how I am willing to engage is a good way to go forward.

If this wall isn't part of the house it isn't a party wall , just a garden wall

It’s very likely I have got the legal wording wrong (I am not trained in this stuff). Sorry. I just meant that it is shared. It’s a wall that runs between our two gardens, that there has never been any allocated ownership of in the deeds.

Wrong.

You're doing him a favour by paying for this repair so I can't imagine what his problem is.Reduce contact as much as possible and just try to crack on with the repairs.

Just to share the pain of what he has had to put up with. Here is one of the photos he sent us to complain (bearing in mind a whole wall had been removed).

We have a neighbour like this, except in our case his aggression was triggered by us asking that he get retrospective planning permission on a glass panel wall he installed looking directly into our kitchen, and then when the council subsequently signed it off without the proper process, raised our fences. There's pure misogyny in these men. They can't abide that women can spend money, make decisions or have the slightest control over them, even if - as in this case - you are doing them a favour.

It's scary. One of my friends had to sell the house she had put everything into because the man next door was so creepy and aggressive. He pretty much stalked her - because she had not only didn't mind that he built an extension, but built one of her own too.

Personally I would let the conduct dictate the punishment and write to him to let him know that as your builders can no reasonably be asked to work from his side, that you won't be lowering the wall in the middle to suit his garden. And when he kicks off, instruct him not to contact you again. He will only get worse.

You can't worry about his wife. There is nothing you can do in this situation that will help her.

What @JennyForeigner says. And if the builders can't have access to his side how are they expected to do a nice job of building and pointing the flint wall as they'll be working overhand l... what a shame it'll look crap on his side...

The problem is you can't reason nor argue with crazy. And based on his incoherent shouting and messages as well as that photo- he's full crazy. I'd go for as much distance as possible with all communication written only.

I think you need to make it clear that you won't engage with him any longer.

It sounds like the wife is reasonable so maybe message her and point out that you have been very fair, discussed all plans, changed plans to what they wanted, agreed to pay for all of the work even though it's a jointly owned wall etc but that her husband's behaviour is not acceptable and you will not be tolerating it any longer.

You're going to have to stand up for yourselves here, I think. Definitely start writing down everything that happens and save all of his messages in case you have to get the Police involved further down the road.

Save every message he sends you and keep dated notes of everything he does. Do not be bullied and intimidated into thinking that you're in the wrong, just because he is upset. That's what he's relying on/ hoping for. Remain factual and firm but polite.

We were bullied by our downstairs neighbour for daring to be a family in an upstairs flat. Of course there is noise but we're not actually breaking any rules, let alone laws. She just had a complete hissy fit about it and would slam the doors as soon as our toddler cried, even if we'd been out all day and it was the first time he cried. It was awful, but we always remained polite to her. One day, she tipped me over the edge and I told her we do not respond to bullying and intimidation tactics. Of course she threw her toys out of the pram, I was so rude and she was surely allowed to close her doors, which were sticky, in her own house, why didn't I focus on my child, who was clearly unhappy (not the first time she had a go at him) yada yada yada. I told her we'd be complaining to the council if she carried on bullying us and, lo and behold, she suddenly packed it all in. This was a few years ago and she is nice as pie to us now. Pity I'll never be able to forgive her for insulting my children I've kept every single message the bitch sent me

What does noisy children running round have to do with the OP's situation?

You should stop with the ablist language as well.

I would go over and tell them both clearly that you are putting up cameras and if he keeps aggressively shouting you will call the police, you don’t have to put with abuse in your own home from people who lived with an unsafe wall and aren’t even paying to fix it. I’d probably add and if you’d gotten off your bum and fixed it before we moved in you wouldn’t have to deal with us fixing it so go have a look in the mirror and say I chose to not fix it so my neighbours have to now, if I’d gotten off my bum anytime in the past 3 years I wouldn’t have my neighbours fixing it now. I will also call the police on you if you are abusing my builders, they do not deserve to have to put up with that at work. I bet when you get to work nobody comes up into your face and yells at you, don’t do it to my builders.

and order cameras stat and call the police if he does. No negotiating and trying to be nice here.

Tell me you replied “sorry, can’t see what I’m looking at here. is it Timmy Mallet’s sunglasses?”

It is not necessarily what it sounds like when you live in flats. We lived in ours in peace for 20 years until new people moved in upstairs.

They installed wooden flooring and walked around in shoes. The noise in our flat was horrendous. It was 10x worse when kids were running round. They woke me up in the middle of the night with their footsteps and I became seriously sleep deprived.

Maybe your neighbour is at the end of his tether and was exasperated by your unsympathetic position
.

annaishere your post screamed nightmare neighbour to me. Completely oblivious as to the impact of your behaviour on poor unsuspecting neighbours. I'd be moving if I lived beneath you that's for sure

I’m not doing anything I’m just living a normal life and I don’t even have young children or pets

Update: our builders no longer use our neighbour’s driveway for access because of his aggression. He then got angry because they weren’t using his driveway (what?!). Our friends have now sent us photos of him trespassing in our garden and interfering with the wall. Unbelievable behaviour.