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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to ask Dp's nieces to be bridesmaids.

28 replies

JustAnotherManicMomday · 16/07/2023 18:21

Getting married next year. Dp has said totally my choice if I have any or not and if I do who they are. I plan on having my brothers 2 daughters and step daughter as bridesmaids. They are traveling along way and we only see them a few times year. Bil to be will also be travelling but less than half the distance. AIBU not asking his daughters to be bridesmaids? Firstly 3 in a registry office seems plenty although youngest niece will be flower girl really due to age.

For context when bil and sil to be got married, mine and dps children were not invited yet other children that were not fily were in the wedding party. I said nothing despite being upset as it was their day to have the people they chose. We will at least be inviting them just not paying for their outfits etc like I will my nieces on my side. Had our children been in attendance I think I would be going out of my way to include them all, yet finding dresses for girls aged 3 to 19 that match would be difficult. My brothers girls will be 6 to 13 and have already seen nice dresses available in all their sizes but not in bil to be's daughters sizes.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAnotherManicMomday · 16/07/2023 18:22

*family

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 16/07/2023 18:24

I think if they didn't even invite your children to their wedding they can't really be surprised that their children aren't bridesmaids in yours.

Sceptre86 · 16/07/2023 18:30

It doesn't need to be totally for tat. That being said you can choose whoever you want and you've made your decision. Hopefully that will be enough but if they do come back to you with anything then just shut them down straight away saying you've made a decision and that is final.

Nightlystroll · 16/07/2023 18:39

How old were your children when your in laws got married? How old are your children now? Are they going to be bridesmaids/page boys, too?

If it were my wedding, I'd want everyone to be happy. It's no big deal to have 3 extra bridesmaids. It seems strange to me to only have bridesmaids from one side of the family. It might be a good opportunity to set a healthier family dynamic moving forward.

ExtraOnions · 16/07/2023 18:41

Don’t make a decision in some “you did this, so we are getting back at you by doing that” sort of way … make a decision based on what you want.

The upshot is that your brothers children get a role in the wedding, but your husbands brothers children do not. I’m not sure “distanced traveled” is a reason, sounds a bit silly really.

It’s your, and your husbands, wedding - make any choice you like, and you don’t have to give any excuses.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 16/07/2023 18:44

Your bridesmaids are your attendants, so why would you have fiancé's neices. Im assuming his ushers are from his side. To be honest I wouldn't want to babysit someone else's kids on my wedding day, so I was pleased to have adult bridesmaids.

ThinWomansBrain · 16/07/2023 18:48

if your children weren't invited to their wedding at all, let alone not included as bridesmaids, I don't see that there is any 'duty' to invite them as that.
Won't seem odd at all - no sense in having loads of bridesmaids, or that any family member below the age of X should be invited.

AnnaMagnani · 16/07/2023 18:49

How many child bridesmaids would you end up with?

Pros: they will love it and be eternally grateful

Cons: you will be totally upstaged on your big day by cute girls in pouffy dresses

I didn't do any babysitting - they walked up the aisle and then sat with their mums being bribed with chocolate but when we look back at the photos it's like a day about bridesmaids in pretty dresses with me and DH as an annoying sideshow.

Leeds2 · 16/07/2023 18:50

I think you should have whoever you want. You don't have to justify your decision to anyone. But, if you feel you have to, don't use distance travelled as a reason for not choosing them, as it sounds a bit silly.

GeekyThings · 16/07/2023 18:59

Usually in a wedding you just have your immediate family and close friends as bridesmaids, and your husband to be does the same with the groomsmen; he doesn't choose anyone for your side, and you don't choose anyone for his. You wouldn't generally mix them up, his family are on his side, yours are on yours - for example my bil didn't choose my partner to be in his wedding party, he chose members of his immediate family and another friend.

Your bil's children aren't your immediate family, they're his. If he wants them in the wedding party he can add them somewhere on his side. You don't need to have any more or less people in your wedding party than you want. I didn't have any bridesmaids, but my friend had 20! Have what you want.

MargaretThursday · 16/07/2023 18:59

I think doing it as what sounds like pay back for them not being invited is mean.

However I don't think you should feel you should invite them. Traditionally they're from your side, and it's fair enough to ask your nieces. Would the 19yo even want to be? And the 3yo is probably too young to realise they might be asked.
So I don't think you're going to upset the children in not asking them.

But what sort of relationship do you have with them? Do you want to have a relationship with them?

Dbro and wife asked my girls to be bridesmaids. There were lots of reasons why they might not have: The girls were past the age of looking cute. We didn't see them too often due to 300 miles away. She had plenty of her own relatives, and my sister lived up the road and they knew her dc much better etc.
But my girls adored her for asking them. They knew it wasn't a courtesy because she felt she had to. She wanted them. They were very grateful to be asked and loved the day.
They have a lovely relationship with my sil, and part of that was by asking them, they knew she wanted to include them and even though we're a distance and my girls are now adults, it has meant that they are as close as they could be.

JudgeRudy · 16/07/2023 19:03

Sounds fine.
Also don't assume that being a bridesmaid is something everyone will want to do. If I was a parent I'd be pleased my kids weren't in the wedding party. Too much hassle.

Rockbird · 16/07/2023 19:05

Bridesmaids are the bride's choice, that's the point.

JudgeRudy · 16/07/2023 19:06

Nightlystroll · 16/07/2023 18:39

How old were your children when your in laws got married? How old are your children now? Are they going to be bridesmaids/page boys, too?

If it were my wedding, I'd want everyone to be happy. It's no big deal to have 3 extra bridesmaids. It seems strange to me to only have bridesmaids from one side of the family. It might be a good opportunity to set a healthier family dynamic moving forward.

It is a big deal to have 3 extra bridesmaids. Its a considerable additional cost and it would mean coordinating a third set of people for fittings rehersals etc not to mention the day itself.

AnnaMagnani · 16/07/2023 19:18

How much fitting and rehearsing do children need?

Mine (age 3-7) just turned up on the day and their mums walked them up the aisle as a practice, done.

Nightlystroll · 16/07/2023 19:20

JudgeRudy · 16/07/2023 19:06

It is a big deal to have 3 extra bridesmaids. Its a considerable additional cost and it would mean coordinating a third set of people for fittings rehersals etc not to mention the day itself.

Show quote history

It's 3 dresses. No fittings because they live too far away. So just off the peg. The 3 yo doesn't need to wear what the teenagers will wear. I'm sure the 19yo can steer them down a registry office aisle without a rehearsal. And the op says she would have been prepared to do it if her children had been invited to their wedding, but she just doesn't feel she wants to.
She's asking for other people's opinions and I'm saying I would be inclusive.

GameOverBoys · 16/07/2023 19:23

They can’t possibly be upset when they didn't even invite your children. They have set the president so you’re free to do what you want.

FluffMagnet · 16/07/2023 19:48

You are being petty, using children to get back at adults.

My family have always been of the opinion a wedding is about the merging of families, and it shows a lot of goodwill to have someone from the groom's family in the bridal party. Nieces will feel lesser attending the wedding, and publicly being shunned for other nieces as bridesmaids. From experience, it stings.

Original poster
JustAnotherManicMomday · 16/07/2023 19:54

OK so a little more info. It's not really a tit for tat situation, more of a were keeping it small and I think 5 bridesmaids would be crazy when the wedding will only have 28 guests in attendance including bridesmaids. Dp and I have two boys they will be 17 and 14 when we get married. They were 10 and 13 when bil to be got married so not little. Our eldest will be performing bestman duties, whilst youngest walks down with one of his cousins following two younger bridesmaids (cousins) if we added other two neices aged 3 and 19 we would then need to include their brother somehow as be only neice or nephew not involved. That would mean given that my father is walking me don the wedding party would be 11 out of 30 people which seems alot. I can't find a dress that would be available for all of them. The only way that having them all works is adding an extra adult, my best friend to have 2 adults, 2 junior and 2 bridesmaids but that leaves out nephew on dps side. My brother has baby number 4 on the way but we are not including them as will only be 9 months old. Can't afford to be buying for all of them and I think bil to be would very much expect us to pay for it if we asked.

OP posts:
WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 19:57

OP honestly subscribe to the mantra of ‘it’s our wedding so it’s our way’ now and stick to it - like your BIL did with the no-kids rule. It’s much easier than trying to please everyone at your own expense

WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 19:57

You definitely can’t have 1/5 guests being bridesmaid OP! YANBU

WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 19:58

AnnaMagnani · 16/07/2023 19:18

How much fitting and rehearsing do children need?

Mine (age 3-7) just turned up on the day and their mums walked them up the aisle as a practice, done.

There’s only 28 guests, 3 extra bridesmaid is ludicrous

gogomoto · 16/07/2023 20:11

The fact you have boys does change things, will it really hurt if you have 2 extras, get cheap off the peg dresses and keep the the peace. Or give them a different role like seating people if you prefer, but involve them. Being petty whether for good reason or not just will breed bad feeling

Sapphire387 · 16/07/2023 20:13

You really don't need to justify your decision. YANBU.

Spirallingdownwards · 16/07/2023 20:17

Seriously everyone has said you don't need to ask them so don't

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