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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Decline Hen Do invite

55 replies

Sandals94 · 16/07/2023 17:32

I hate them.
I know I'm miserable 🤣
How do you politely decline an invitation (its a family member and so I don't want to upset anyone, but nor do I want to have to explain myself either) there will be a lot of people going who I don't know all that well and some of the ladies are a little on the wild side 😜
Anyone have any magic polite decline ideas?! They'll know I'm not away, so can't use that! Should I just be honest and say hen's aren't my thing or does that sound awful 🤔

OP posts:
N0ëlle · 16/07/2023 17:33

Last minute migraine

TolkiensFallow · 16/07/2023 17:34

I just say thank you for inviting me but no thank you

tt9 · 16/07/2023 17:34

your cat is getting married on that day

MujeresLibres · 16/07/2023 17:37

Be honest. It's family, you'll have to remember a lie for the rest of your life. Make plans to spend time with the bride some other way. Don't say you'll come then cancel on the day, that might end up costing other people money.

Hbh17 · 16/07/2023 17:39

Be honest. Don't apologise. "Thank you for your kind invitation. I will not be joining you, but I hope you have a lovely time".

Kugela · 16/07/2023 17:39

Could you go along for part of it?

anothertrainwreck · 16/07/2023 17:40

Hbh17 · 16/07/2023 17:39

Be honest. Don't apologise. "Thank you for your kind invitation. I will not be joining you, but I hope you have a lovely time".

This! No one needs to know your reasons, it’s absolutely fine to just politely say no!

QueSyrahSyrah · 16/07/2023 17:41

As long as I live I'll never understand why people default to lying to friends and family when 'I'm sorry, it's really not for me and I wouldn't want to spoil anyone else's fun so I won't attend, but I'm looking forward to the wedding!' is perfectly fine.

CapEBarra · 16/07/2023 17:42

God no, they’re awful things. I was invited to one that featured a pole dancing class and a cocktail making lesson. That can sod right off. I’d politely decline, and do it quickly so you don’t get stumped for a contribution to the event. Just say, ‘I can’t make it, but I hope you have a lovely time’. If pressed, message the organiser and tell them you suffer from social anxiety and the thought going out in large groups makes you feel very distressed.

Nuca · 16/07/2023 17:43

N0ëlle · 16/07/2023 17:33

Last minute migraine

Please don’t do this. My bridesmaids organised my hen do and if someone had lied and pulled out at the last minute then it would have fallen to the rest of us to pay the difference. Just be honest and say it’s not your thing, but maybe spend some time with her another time if you want to?

GoodChat · 16/07/2023 17:45

Just say no thanks, its not your thing.

NeedToChangeName · 16/07/2023 17:46

N0ëlle · 16/07/2023 17:33

Last minute migraine

I think this is terrible advice. What if everyone fakes a migraine? Or if last minute cancellation increases cost for others?

Go and make the best of it. Or don't go. But be honest

gogomoto · 16/07/2023 17:46

Depends on the type of event, if it local you could call in briefly then leave, if it's a distance just say you have other plans

justanothermanicmonday1 · 16/07/2023 17:48

Say you can't get the time off work or you don't have the finances.

Maireas · 16/07/2023 17:50

Hbh17 · 16/07/2023 17:39

Be honest. Don't apologise. "Thank you for your kind invitation. I will not be joining you, but I hope you have a lovely time".

This. Don't lie. I hate all the advice to lie on here.
Just politely decline.

cushioncovers · 16/07/2023 17:52

Don't lie op. Just say thanks but no thanks.

ThalattaThalatta · 16/07/2023 17:53

Hbh17 · 16/07/2023 17:39

Be honest. Don't apologise. "Thank you for your kind invitation. I will not be joining you, but I hope you have a lovely time".

Yes, this. No need to make up excuses. TBH most of the time all anyone wants is a yes or no so they can get on with organising, so a fast no will be a perfectly welcome response. Don't-

  • Make up some elaborate lie which you then have to remember forever.
  • Say you'll come then fake an illness- this is the worst.
  • Stretch out your no over weeks in the hope that you look like you wish you could be there- "I really hope I can come, just have to check something"..."still hoping, looking for a babysitter"..."can't quite confirm yet but I will let you know asap". Everyone can tell this is going to be a no, they just can't make it official until you say so and it holds all the planning up. Just decline promptly and politely.
LakeIsle48 · 16/07/2023 17:58

I think you should run with 'my cat is getting married that day'

Ariela · 16/07/2023 17:58

Just say 'thank you for the invite, I won't be coming however here's (£20/£30) to put in the kitty for the do, hope you have a lovely time.'

No need to explain

Ponderingwindow · 16/07/2023 18:02

I’m old enough now that I would just be honest and say something like “I’m just no fun at these kinds of events and tend to want to go home early. I’d love to take you out for a fancy lunch to celebrate instead, my treat, how about the x th?”

wholivesondrurylane · 16/07/2023 18:05

Just say thanks but you can't make it and leave it at that.

If they insist and you don't want drama, make up an excuse, about work or you having already committed to something else and you can't cancel.

QueSyrahSyrah · 16/07/2023 18:12

Ariela · 16/07/2023 17:58

Just say 'thank you for the invite, I won't be coming however here's (£20/£30) to put in the kitty for the do, hope you have a lovely time.'

No need to explain

This is also a nice idea if you're close to the bride to be. I didn't go to a friends hen (it was abroad and while I could afford to go, I didn't particularly want to spend on that). I knew they had a dinner booked one night so I sent one of the other hens the money to buy them a bottle of fizz from me.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 16/07/2023 18:13

A friend of mine said she was coming to mine (I went to hers) but late the day before she got a 'stomach bug'. No I didn't believe it and haven't seen her since the wedding. Although that's more because her husband upset my DH. She's quite a introverted person and I reckon she didn't come for the same reasons as you. I would've understood if she'd said that to me.

rookiemere · 16/07/2023 18:13

Depends who it is, if it's your Dsis or you are mother of the bride, then you should probably show face.

britespark1 · 16/07/2023 18:16

Going though this right now with my soon to be SIL. I’ve politely declined and offered to sort an afternoon tea for us with other SIL and MIL. There’s no way this is the end of it though.