I’m really struggling and I don’t know why

[airyfairy98]

This is going to be really hard to explain but I’ll try. I have a lovely boyfriend and I really struggle when he isn’t explicitly showing or telling me he loves me. I’ve had therapy before and heard this is a symptom of the messy childhood I had.

He plays sport at a really high level. Today they have a big event, where the whole club and families get together, drink, eat food and have a big game.
He has come over and sat with me a fair bit. He’s also, at times, gone to sit with team mates and prepared for the game. It’s fair enough.
I personally struggle with going up to new people, making conversation etc. at some points he has left me on my own and I’ve been struggling with what to do or say.

I mentioned to him that I felt a bit on my own and he hasn’t come over that much.
He said I was out of order, I’m not being respectful of the time he is taking to sit with me, and that he also needs to focus on the game and that “lots of people want to talk to him today”.

I’m trying so hard to be understanding but I also thought he’d care about how I felt. He also said “don’t act all innocent” which I thought was really nasty.

Am I being harsh? And if so, how do I get over this feeling? How do I stop being so down when he’s not spending time with me?

Are you the one with the cricket playing boyfriend again?

In your shoes I probably wouldn’t have gone unless I was going with someone else who also knew the two of us.
If this is a major event he really has to focus on performance, networking and in all likelihood won’t have time to (sorry, can’t think of a phrase and don’t mean it to sound so harsh!) babysit you because you are alone rather than able to chat along to other people there. Could you take a friend next time?

I personally struggle with going up to new people, making conversation etc.

Many people have this, its can be social anxiety; and its possible to learn how to go up to people, say 'hello' introduce yourself and start a conversation.
Its much better to deal with it than put the responsibility for making you happy on your partner. He has other responsibilities at those social gatherings.
If you really struggle with this, ask your GP to refer you to CBT.

Today was more of a social event, I don’t usually go to any games.
I have met some of the girlfriend before so I thought I would be okay but it’s very overwhelming with loads of new people

You thought he'd care how you felt but do you care how he feels? Doesn't sounds like it.

Big important day for his and you're making it about you.

Sounds like he's a bit sick of pandering to you and you don't get your needs met from him.
Perhaps it's best to end the relationship and maybe look at more therapy op.

Sorry OP you need to either conquer your social anxiety, avoid going or learn to be at peace with it. It's not up to your boyfriend to sit with you all the time. Surely today was his day not yours? Honestly it would do my head in if I was in a relationship and that person was so clingy.

You need to conquer your social anxiety or not go..You can't expect him to sit with you and chat.

I know it’s just hard. I thought I’d see him more today because he asked me to come and then it just seemed he didn’t even want to know. I know he’s busy but I don’t know how to not take it personally

You need to deal with your anxiety op or he'll end up finishing it. Needy for whatever reason is hard work.

It's his day. It is not about you.

Surely good manners would be for him to facilitate some introductions so OP can easily meet other people's partners/families there?

He brought her there and she went to support him, but he didn't spend a second thinking how to make her more comfortable. His day or not how hard it it to be polite and considerate

He asked you to go! Is that not validation enough for you that he wants you there? He wants to be with you? He wants you around but sometimes he just can't be next to you! He can not be with only you. He could have just not asked you imagine how you'd have felt then. If you can't allow him to leave your aide you shouldn't have gone it's not fair on him. I'm anxious and find it hard to talk I'd have probably said ill meet you there or I can stay for a bit but that's me personally. You admit your struggles you need to work on them more instead of being upset at him.

I've been in sort of the same situation and there is a clear community that revolves around these events. The other halves chat together while the competitors do their stuff.

Maybe take some ice breakers with you. I usually take some food or extra bottles of water that I can offer to people which can help get the conversation going, plus I'll take a crossword and focus on that if everyone ignores me. But always happy to dump the crossword or let someone else suggest the answers.

If you are relaxed and happy in yourself, people will normally talk to you.

@Miajk She already knows the girlfriends. She could go and say hello.

Tbh I have been in many situations like this and I just go up to people and say hello. It's not for my DH to teach me how to do that.

He has come over and sat with me a fair bit

I mentioned to him that I felt a bit on my own and he hasn’t come over that much.

Which one is it?

This is a 'you' issue and you need to work on it

You sound incredibly hard work. Maybe next time don’t go if you can’t make any effort to speak to anyone.

The thing is - he won't stay in a relationship with someone so Co dependent.

You are being harsh, yes. I appreciate that it's not nice to struggle in social situations, but that doesn't mean you can force other people to babysit you. You're clipping his wings to control your anxiety. If you keep at it, you'll drive him away.

Am I being harsh? Yes

And if so, how do I get over this feeling? How do I stop being so down when he’s not spending time with me?

Remind yourself that you are a grown up, that it is not for anyone else to manage your feelings, and that you have done difficult things before and can do them again. Other people may feel uncomfortable too, being uncomfortable won't harm you, and instead of feeling sorry for yourself and that you should be his priority all the time, feel proud that your boyfriend has enough about him to be so popular.

I think you might need more therapy and support.

You know some of the girlfriends but didn’t feel you could say hello to people you know.

So he can over a ‘fair bit’ and say with you. He wanted you there, but there’s no way at these sort of things that you can give your partner full attention all day.

I don’t take partners to work events or things where a partner wouldn’t naturally have a group of people they know, for this reason. I don’t want to feel torn between socialising with my colleagues and my partner, who wouldn’t know anyone. I end up not enjoying it. So it’s a hard and fast rule.

You agreed to go, you must have known he couldn’t be with you all day. You must have known you would be either on your own or would have to speak to people yourself.

Can you say, honestly, that you didn’t go as some sort of test? You had a situation where you knew he couldn’t spend all day with you but also hoped (deep down) he would as proof he loves you? Almost setting him up to fail.

It doesn't sound as though you are ready for a relationship. Can you access more therapy?

Romantic partners are not counselors, therapists or the cure for whatever ails us. It's really unfair to put someone in the position of being your rescuer/constant support person. Downloading all of one's anxiety onto others, instead of dealing with it via a professional, also is unfair.

Everyone needs to stand on his/her own two feet. It sounds as though he touched base with you a few times, and you are expected to be an adult and mingle with others at the party. If not, why leave the house at all?

Thank you, I probably do need some kind of therapy

i don’t know how to not take these things personally!

The thing is there's nothing to take personally