How do other parents make parenting look easy?

[Thisishard23]

I live in a naice area surrounded by lots of happy shiny parents smiling all the time.
I am a single parent and really struggling at the moment. My home feels like a prison sometimes and my children constantly bicker. I have a limited support network. I am just really tired of it all. I just am finding it so hard and the children are suffering because l am short tempered sometimes. I just scrape by financially. Their dad is currently on a holiday abroad and sending me idyllic pictures. I feel like something needs to give. And with summer holidays coming up I have the fear!

Fake it till you make it and a shit load of coffee.

Coffee really helps ☕☕

It’s a mirage. You can bet your bottom dollar as soon as they are behind closed doors and offline it’s different. So many that I thought were perfect when the kids were younger turned out erm interesting shall we say.

The one who screamed at her kids at playgroup and swore like a trouper in front of them has one going to Oxford lol.

Comparison really is the thief of joy. Other people have other shit going on in their lives you know nothing about.

Perhaps it is an act, and perhaps I should act more. I'm not that good at plastering on a fake smile 😌

When I had my first I felt like I was really struggling. I had a friend with a baby the same age. Friend always seemed so relaxed and calm, didn’t give two shits about what people thought of her parenting and just got on with it.
We had a very honest chat one day where she admitted how hard she found it and how she thought that I looked down on her because my baby was always dressed and I turned up to places on time. Both of us dealt with our insecurities and worries in completely different ways but we definitely still had them.

Let me tell you about someone I know well on my Facebook when her children were aged about 7 and 5yo.
This is what she posted: (approximately)
"What a lovely day we've had with my lovely daughters. So fantastic to have such lovely family time. We got craft activities we got for Christmas out of the cupboard and just worked through them. Look at the wonderful creations they've made! Now we're curling up to watch a film with popcorn, all cuddled up on the sofa. Such love in our family. I love such times. #makingmemories #mammaandgirls #ilovefamily time..." <insert lots of photos of beautiful craft activities and one of the three of them all looking neat and smart, smiling with aprons on>

She phoned me that evening in tears. This is (approximately) what she said:
"Oh it's just so stressful. Why won't my girls behave like other children? They fought all morning until I suggested we did some craft. Whatever I suggested one of them didn't want, so they were both sulking and refused to do it properly. Dd2 pushed the water over dd1's painting and there's now a water stain on the table, and so dd1 threw paint at her, which missed her and hit the wall. I went to go and get clothes and when I came back they'd decided to paint the cat. I shouted at them and they let go of the cat, which fled upstairs so we have green and purple paint spattered everywhere it went including in our bedroom where we had new cream duvet covers.
I sent the girls to their rooms while I cleared up, and I did all the craft activities because they were opened so couldn't be left. I asked them to come down, and they went straight into the dining room and dd1 pulled her apron off the table and the pottery was on it so that smashed all over the floor.
I put on their favourite film to try and calm them down and said we could make popcorn. While my back was turned, dd1 took the lid off the pan, and I didn't realise until we had popcorn all over the room. The dog ate loads and has now been sick twice.
They were arguing over the film because one of them wanted to watch their favourite bit twice, and then one of them decided to change channels, and I don't know what they've done but it's now stuck on <boring channel> and I can't work out out to change it.
What do I do. Everyone else has such lovely craft times, I see it on Facebook..."

I did try suggesting that maybe Facebook stories weren't quite the reality, but rather strangely she didn't want to know that.

But it's also true when they're out going to the park, you'll often see the best behaviour.
Lots of people feel like you.

Hey op. I've been a single parent for a decade now. Some bits of it I love and some are f*cking hard.

The judgement is the hardest!!

What's the most challenging thing? Maybe we can break it down and help xxx

As a parent who gets told a lot that I seem so chilled and relaxed...
1.I only have one child .
2.My life is set up in such a way that I don't have some of the stress/pressure other people have . For example i work school hours, term time only. My commute and school run take 7 minutes on foot. Pure luck finding and getting that job.

1. DD is a pretty easy and good kid (mostly her personality,nothing to do with me).

When she wasn't easy (I hated the baby and toddler years and I was a complete wreck) the issues were home related only. She didn't eat,sleep or talk much. So being out in the park,playgroup, playdates etc were actually good times and there was nothing to pull my hair out for. At home it was a very different situation when once again she woke up at 5 am after only going to bed at 1, or having to reintroduce fucking toast because she completely stopped eating for two weeks.

Basically my awesome parenting skills boil down to luck and situation dependent.

Some people have more money and resources to throw at it.
They can afford a cleaner, have family support etc. It helps massively, but it doesn't mean they are doing it better than you, they're just spending more money.

This in spades. This the reality of it. People only post the best side on social media. The reality is very different (or the kid is glued to devices all day)

Well on a good day you would have seen me and DD walking along chatting, DD being helpful and polite. On a bad day I would be carrying her out of somewhere while she screamed and pulled my hair. I imagine thats most people. It’s not you OP, kids are hard work, it’s the rare parent that manages to stay serene and calming all the time.

So true that everyone presents their best version out in public.

But also you've answered your own question... some people have supportive partners, support networks, and less financial pressure. All of these help a LOT.

I bet you are doing a better job then you think. You are there for your kids day in day out and I'm sure you don't get the recognition and encouragement you deserve. So give yourself some appreciation for doing one of the hardest jobs of all under difficult circumstances. 💜

Absolutely no idea

Thanks all. I think the hardest things at the moment are... Having a preteen that answers back all. The. Time.

Also the preteen hates all my hobbies, beach, allotment, dog walking so he tries to ruin those things when I bring him along. He's 11 so not old enough to leave at home for hours yet. He's also an early riser so I wake go fucking you tube everyday. After a day and a half of cheek and bickering with his brother I lost it yesterday. I now have enormous gilt. Though he has forgiven me, I haven't forgiven myself.

I think some people are just naturally better at it than others, they have a sunnier personality/look on the bright side, are able to ignore the little things and focus on the things that matter, they enjoy hanging out with their kids instead of dreading it, are just more even tempered in general.

Sorry terrible typos in that last post.

They have help.

You can't start explaining the difference when you have free evenings or one lie-in every 2 weeks or so because the kids are with their grand-parents or an uncle/auntie. A simple weekend away makes such a difference.

There's 2 of them. One can disappear for a swim or an evening with friends while the other is home with the kids.

They have a higher income. Let's be honest, most people would go absolutely crazy stuck home all day, or on limited budget. A quick tidy in the morning, then going out for the day is so much easier to entertain the kids .You don't even "entertain" them as such, you just explore together.

The dad sending you pictures of holiday abroad is an absolute twat. Why is he so bitter to rub it in?

You are human, you feel tired because .. you are tired. You can only do your best.

Money being tight and lack of support makes it all feel harder.

I had a hard period and got some snide comments about making motherhood look hard - had baby and toddler and in less than 7 month had done two house moves and DH new job with no holiday and no outside help and was struggling with yet another chest infection and money was painfully tight. Roll on a few years things settled another child and I'm told by same people how lucky I am I find it so easy.

Also the preteen hates all my hobbies, beach, allotment, dog walking so he tries to ruin those things when I bring him along. He's 11 so not old enough to leave at home for hours yet

DD1 got bit like this - it did pass - though having DH made it a lot easier as could tag team so again being just you it will be harder.

I’ve just been for a lovely walk with my sister and all our children. My niece cried for the first half and my son had an emotional meltdown and had to be coaxed round the second half!

It’s bloody exhausting and relentless and no one finds it easy all the time despite what you see on Facebook!! It doesn’t make you a bad parent! It’s normal!

I think maybe some firmer boundaries with the preteen might relieve some pressure on you:

Wake before 7:30 at the weekend = read in your room quietly. No YouTube, no going downstairs.

He doesn’t want to do family things and ruins them? You sanction by removing something he wants to do for a period of time. Sulking whilst we’re out = losing time on eve PlayStation for example.

I have a pre teen and he’s tried these things but they are quickly squashed, and with high expectations of behaviour and consequences, they’re infrequent occupancies.

Bloody autocorrect:

*the not eve
*occurances

Shop and cafe staff in town all think my kids are absolute angels. Because I only take them in when they're behaving, and under promises of good behaviour plus occasional bribes. On bad days we stay home and I put them in separate rooms with tablets so I can have a break.

The person I know with the most "instagram life" iyswim is actually an emotional car crash with an unbelievably complicated personal life and a lot of heartache. But her online life is shiny and perfect. You'd never know.

The first time I saw a perfect, calm, happy, cheerful, gentle, patient, open minded hippy mum I know whisper-shouting at her kids to behave if they know what's good for them or she'll lose it? I can be friends now I know she's normal!

@MammaGina coffee? Gin more like

Reality is you only see people's public image, private can be very different

It's often a mixture of lying/pretending and/or getting outside help and therefore time to oneself.