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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do other parents make parenting look easy?

45 replies

Thisishard23 · 16/07/2023 15:41

I live in a naice area surrounded by lots of happy shiny parents smiling all the time.
I am a single parent and really struggling at the moment. My home feels like a prison sometimes and my children constantly bicker. I have a limited support network. I am just really tired of it all. I just am finding it so hard and the children are suffering because l am short tempered sometimes. I just scrape by financially. Their dad is currently on a holiday abroad and sending me idyllic pictures. I feel like something needs to give. And with summer holidays coming up I have the fear!

OP posts:
PinkyU · 16/07/2023 17:37

I think some people are just very natural parents.

They’re informed, knowledgeable and confident in their abilities, they’ve worked hard to consistently implement realistic and achievable ideals and it has the reward of children who are well behaved, mannered, happy and engaged. Most of all they enjoy parenting and rarely see it as a chore.

I think most parents try their absolute hardest for their children but I do think some just have a more innate ability so it comes more easily and instinctively, therefore looks effortless (though we all know it never is).

wholivesondrurylane · 16/07/2023 17:45

OneCup · 16/07/2023 17:10

It's often a mixture of lying/pretending and/or getting outside help and therefore time to oneself.

Why does anyone who is looking happy /successful in any area (private, with kids, holidays etc) has to be lying?

FuppingEll · 16/07/2023 17:58

wholivesondrurylane · 16/07/2023 17:45

Why does anyone who is looking happy /successful in any area (private, with kids, holidays etc) has to be lying?

Yeah I hate this attitude on mumsnet, either someone has to be faking being happy with their kids or they have an army of support/pots full of money to pay for support. Some people just like parenting, they enjoy spending time with their kids, I know it is really trendy to be all uh pass the gin, dreading the kids holidays etc but lots of people do genuinely enjoy it and find it easy, they just keep quiet about it because it seems rude to rub in the face of those who find it more difficult.

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/07/2023 18:04

Sympathy

Please remember people are massive liars especially on social media and in parks etc you see a tiny snapshot of their lives.

in terms of yourself can you get him some earphones so at least you can sleep in?

wholivesondrurylane · 16/07/2023 18:09

Please remember people are massive liars especially on social media and in parks etc you see a tiny snapshot of their lives.

so no one in the world is actually happy with their kids, like ever?
Everyone is miserable? Really?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/07/2023 18:11

Why does anyone who is looking happy /successful in any area (private, with kids, holidays etc) has to be lying?

Because misery loves company.Grin

georgarina · 16/07/2023 18:12

People have different lives

I am a single parent of 3 with no cleaner, family help etc
My cousin is a married parent of 2 with a cleaner, her mum has kids overnight at least once a week and after school

So obviously circumstances vary, just like everything

It's like asking, why am I struggling to afford things but others seem casual about it? They probably have more money!

mbosnz · 16/07/2023 18:12

I once asked a lovely woman, mother and friend, how the hell did she do it, how was she so calm, positive, energetic?

Without missing a beat she responded, 'drugs luv. All the happy pills!'

I felt much better after that. Although, I'm now on the same drugs, and nowhere near so calm, positive and energetic!

grunttheterrible · 16/07/2023 18:18

You can't fake it easily as a single parent! You can know that it's not real. You're bossing it, promise!

BounceyB · 16/07/2023 18:38

Everyone has difficulties at some point in their lives and at some point with their kids.

My kids were horrendous when they were little in spite of me working really hard. Everything was a challenge. I really felt like the worst parent and all my friends were better at it. Now my kids are teenagers they're much easier and my life is much happier.

My sister has the most perfect daughter and therefore made parenting look easy. Daughter got into a very competitive private school but is now battling anorexia. My sister is beside herself with worry every day.

Another woman who made it look easy to the point of giving me lessons on how to please my husband and look after my children has a really rebellious teenage daughter and is going through a nasty divorce.

Cuwins · 16/07/2023 18:52

I can't imagine how much harder it must be as a single parent. I probably come across as one of the together mums when I'm out and about but that's the part of parenting I find easier, I find being stuck at home difficult.
Also I have several things in my favour you don't have:

  • a partner there to share the load almost every evening and most weekend days, we also take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekend
  • the ability to work very part time meaning I'm not trying to balance work and home
  • while money isn't limitless I don't have to think before taking DD to a farm for the day for instance
  • family around to help- they have never had her overnight but my mum has her in the day while I work and both my parents and sister come out with us a lot and the extra pair of hands makes things a lot easier plus gives me an adult to talk to.
  • DD 17m hasn't really got to the tantrum stage yet!
  • I only have 1 child which is a lot less stressful I imagine!

While life can be stressful still at times all those things mean my life is generally easier than yours I imagine.

Upsadiddles · 16/07/2023 18:56

I’ve often wondered how some people seem to find it so easy. Generally my two aren’t a complete embarrassment while we are out, but I’m really struggling with DD(6)’s behaviour at home (she’s the most stubborn, argumentative creature I’ve ever met), while DD(1) is wild and relentless and I can’t take my eyes off her to get anything done at home. We’ve had a nice lunch out today, but what a fiasco getting ready for it. A tantrum from DD(6) over leaving what she was doing and getting her shoes on to go, then DD(1) tipped the cat’s water bowl over herself as we were about to get in the car. I felt like a stressed sweaty mess.

Got there, and the friends we were meeting arrived a minute later than us with their DC and commented that they didn’t know how we manage to be so chilled and relaxed, and how well behaved the girls are Grin

I think we are all our own worst critics. No one sees the whole picture of another family’s life, we all have good bits of parenting and not so good, and we all try and show the best bits in public.

wholivesondrurylane · 16/07/2023 19:03

Some people find holidays hard with young children, holidays were and are the easiest time for us. I'd be away for at least 6 months a year if I could.

I think parents who find it easy also try to organise the life to make it as easy as possible.

Staying home with a child is a no for me - you can imagine how much we enjoyed the lockdowns.. If you see us outside, we look happy. Everyone would be climbing the wall if we were stuck home all day but you don't see that.

Catcatcatcatcat · 16/07/2023 19:05

I don’t really know, but like PP said, I am someone who found it pretty easy having babies, toddlers through having primary aged children. Friends and colleagues would comment on it. I was a SP but I only worked 16 hours and I think that helped me massively.

If it’s any consolation, I found the teenage years really challenging, especially DD. I would happily have swapped her for a little one!

PinkyU · 16/07/2023 19:24

FuppingEll · 16/07/2023 17:58

Yeah I hate this attitude on mumsnet, either someone has to be faking being happy with their kids or they have an army of support/pots full of money to pay for support. Some people just like parenting, they enjoy spending time with their kids, I know it is really trendy to be all uh pass the gin, dreading the kids holidays etc but lots of people do genuinely enjoy it and find it easy, they just keep quiet about it because it seems rude to rub in the face of those who find it more difficult.

Absolutely this and it’s so sad.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 19:25

Interesting boundaries with the dad why is he sending you holiday pics? If they're for kids perhaps you could ask him to video call them or get a cheap phone for them to only use with him so you don't have to carrier pigeon stuff like that. I'd hate to see pics of my ex having a great time while I've been dealing with crying and poonamis all day!

Can you tell him you could do with a bit more me time and ask him to babysit (I know it's not when it's his kids but you know what I mean) for your sanity and therefore the kids well-being sake?

foghead · 16/07/2023 19:31

I find it easy because firstly, I'm just naturally a laid back personality and really don't sweat the small stuff and secondly, I get a lot of backing from dh and thirdly, my dcs seemed to have inherited my laid back personality.
It's easy for us to spend time together mostly.

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 16/07/2023 19:48

No advice but just wanted to say all credit to you. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done and I only have one child. My husband and I work full time and do not remember the last time we did not feel tired. With little to no network that just compounds how difficult it is. Bright and shiney is great for those that can, but for the majority of us, just getting through each day is a win. You're not alone and I bet you're doing great.

Goldbar · 16/07/2023 20:34

I use screens to give myself a break without (much) guilt. I also use a fair amount of childcare.

I'm going to sound like one of "those" parents, but with my 5yo, what I find helpful during weekends/holidays is setting up some activities in the kitchen before they wake up. Something like lego, some colouring in, jigsaws and playdoh. Probably not that useful for older children though.

I don't direct them to these... DC just gets up, wanders in and finds them. But the novelty usually keeps them busy for an hour or so while I sort the baby and then we turn the TV on until it's time to go out. My child can watch hours of TV if left to it, and on really bad days when the baby won't settle, that's what they do.

I book DC into camps/activity sessions if the guilt and screen time are getting out-of-hand. I find this is where having some spare cash (which it sounds like you don't have) comes in useful. So essentially I "outsource" my child for some of the time so I can be a more relaxed and present parent the rest of the time. It's not ideal but with a non-sleeping high needs baby who screams when put down, it's the best I can manage.

My older one is mostly an easy child. They can be boisterous, cheeky and generally annoying, but on the whole they're quite easygoing and laid-back compared to a lot of children their age I come across. The age gap helps. DC1 is rational enough to understand that you can't really argue with a baby.

crew2022 · 16/07/2023 21:10

@Thisishard23
Don't believe everything you see.
No one is a perfect parent in a perfect relationship.
Focus on the positives in your day and don't make comparisons.
You are just as good a parent as any. It's a hard job. Be kind to yourself

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