To wonder if this group of friends has always been a bit jealous/envious?

[Marcos56]

It's a group of schoolfriends I've had issues with for a long time, barely see each other anyway and there have been a number of sly digs over the years, even if there has also been support and encouragement.
I've never felt like the above until I started questioning it very recently.
I was the only one in the group who did things like go to live abroad, spoke other languages, and so on.
I have always been told I'm very attractive, and have a great figure, and I know that definitely caused resentment for them.
I earn the least out of all of them as it happens, and majority of them are homeowners and married or engaged, I'm none of those things and now I think they've got that feeling that they've 'made it' and I haven't.
There would be comments like 'Do you remember when Marcos used to do X at school? And laughter. This was years after we left, yet they seemed to think I was still that same 16 year old girl.
Through the uni years, and basically through adulthood, they would never, ever come to see me at uni, despite invites. It was always me going to visit them, I don't know why I put up with it.
One of them was such a bitch to me, she said "It's no wonder you haven't got a boyfriend,. You've got so many problems.' we were around 18, I had no idea what problems she meant but it really hurt.
There was always just a slight mocking towards me, it's hard to explain.
One of them was laughing that I'd been 'all over' my boyfriend of the time . We were only 19, and he was my boyfriend.
I've noticed they almost never like things I post on social media (I like things they post). They'd ignore me in conversations too.
There were also a lot of nice moments, support, compliments and so on.
I'm sure my thread will rub people up the wrong way because it's certainly taboo to admit you have things going for you and are attractive, unfortunately. I'm not saying they are unattractive, they are. However they would make comments about how it wasn't 'fair' that I was slimmer than them.
Anyway, I've come to this realisation recently. We're in our early 30s now, we used to have 2 other friends in our circle who left, probably for the same reasons. They may not be jealous at all, I've just always felt like an outcast.
I've got the whatsapp group on archive but occasionally I cave now and again and try to arrange meetups. Very occasionally it may happen, but we rarely speak and they'd never come to see where I live so what's the point? If I quit the group fully they'll just laugh at me and call me dramatic, sensitive (I know they already think I am). I'm just hurt thinking about the years, I know female groups can be like this, I want to move on.

Sorry that was very long

I have 2 other individual friends I've known for around 8 years. I've never, ever felt this from them in the slightest, they've never been unkind, so hopefully it isn't just me.

I can’t see much there suggesting they are jealous of you. They don’t seem to like you very much though so I’d spend more time with people that are your actual friends!

I think you're not connecting well with people you haven't had anything in common with for years. I have friends who earn less and more, who are better looking / not as good looking. I think it is levels of honesty /vulnerability / self-awareness that connects people.
If you approach friendships with a sense of one up or one down, then that gets in the way of any real connection.

Yeah, maybe I've misunderstood.
I really don't think they'd have things to be jealous of, it's just that sly digs often come from insecurity/jealousy. And I wondered if they resented that I had what they perceived as other things going for me (even if they have lots going for them!) But yeah, I could be totally wrong. I do have quite low self esteem

I've never cared about those things, and as I said I'm the lowest earner etc! However I did wonder if they cared because of the moaning about me being slim and the sly comments.

Ah the sly digs, wouldn't be a fan of that.
Sometimes you can steer passive aggressive comments towards a more direct style of communication with a little bit of vulnerability. Next time you hear something passive, say in a direct way "ouch!" Maybe add "That hurts cos it might be a little bit true" depending on what was said.

Ask yourself if it's worth it though. Maybe you can just check in with school mates o ce a year with low expectations.

I show a lot of vulnerability with them, they know all about past dating struggles and so on, maybe too much.
It's just stuff like 'remember when she did that at school' however it's only directed to me, why not them too? That's what's odd.
I could, but I just want to move on from them completely. It's always me having to do the checking in, there's zero effort on their side.

Dump them.

They sound mean-spirited, malicious and undermining.

Doesn't sound like they’re motivated by jealousy necessarily - they just have you pigeon-holed as unfortunate and that makes them feel bigger and better, to try to demean you. It’s shitty group dynamics.

Move on, free your mind from all of the crap. You will have sadness about it, about the friends you wished they had been and about the loss of shared history - but that’s not enough to make it worth staying in a toxic situation.

Ah, well, id relegate them to "hi how are you, another year flown by cheers!"

I wouldnt a nonce manifesto style that they talk down to you because the narrative will be you are sensitive, started on them out of nowhere.

Sad but detach, lower expectations, say hello how are you at Christmas.

So what if they talk about you when you leave the group @Marcos56? They aren’t friends. They don’t matter to your life. Just let them go. Leave the group. Move on. You are allowing them to feed negativity to you by staying.

That was very long. Why are you ruminating on this? People you rarely see and clearly don't like. That's what you should be focusing on. Such a waste of time and mental energy.

Referring to things in the past and never visiting your new life is their way of keeping you where they need you to be. I’d dump them but don’t make an issue of it, just retreat. Say you’re coming off WhatsApp for a social media break - whatever you need to politely do to distance yourself so it does not give them fuel to make it a you-blaming drama. Then forget about them and make some nice new friends.

I understand. I’ve felt like this plenty of times, friends aren’t what you’d hoped they’d be and that loss of shared history will be huge. Accept that your history is yours alone, people come in and out of your story, it belongs to no one else.

I am currently distancing from a friend of 30 years, I don’t think she has liked me for a long long time and it was gutting to realise.

put them mentally in the bin, and good luck

Maybe you outgrew them? Often people we were friends with move on or lives change .just send them a round Robin at Christmas and leave it at that

Honestly this sounds the sort of behaviour you would expect from teenagers. I was shocked you are all in your thirties. Life is too short to be worrying about these people. They aren’t bringing any joy to your life. Block them and live your life.

It may not be jealousy, but this is not a healthy dynamic either, so remove yourself from it all.

Doesn't sound jealous but they sound really bitchy. Move on and drop them. Friends should be there for you, make you happy not make you feel crap. I had a school friend like this too and I binned her after one too many digs. Enough shit in life without deliberately surrounding myself with it

EmmaPaella · Today 14:27
Referring to things in the past and never visiting your new life is their way of keeping you where they need you to be.

Yes - I agree.

I get it, OP. It sounds as though it suits them to put you down and refuse to recognise your achievements or that you've moved on since schooldays, when they probably saw themselves as superior. Try to forget them and move on too - they're unlikely to change and acknowledge anything about you which threatens them. They're not worth it!

You sound much nicer.

I'm ruminating as I've been nothing but nice and supportive to them over the years, unless I've offended someone that nobody's told me about?
I know it sounds petty but I spent a fortune on all their weddings/baby showers/hen parties etc.
I doubt there'll be anyone organising them for me in return. I enjoyed the events at the time but resent the costs.
I just want to figure out why they don't like me. 2 of them are really nice, but it's some others. And they can be nice a lot of the time, this is just what I've picked up on.
Thanks for your replies and I will try to move on.

As I say I've known some people over the years who've been nothing but lovely and kind to me, so hoping it's not just me.
I've had 2 boyfriends though who openly told me they deliberately put me down with digs because they felt I was out of their league. That really hurt because I don't think I did anything to make them feel like that, nor did I deserve it. And that's also why I'm questioning this.

It doesn't sound like they like you much, or you them! So what if they bitch about you leaving the group - doesn’t sound like they hold a very high opinion if you anyway, this would just be them voicing thoughts that they hold already. Sod them! Have a nice life without them :-)

I do like them, I'm just hurt by all this. I guess rejection hurts but is a part of life. I'll never truly know I guess but I do need to move on :)

I guess I've hung on because I don't have another group of friends, I have one close friend and some very casual acquaintances but as people know, it's quite tough to establish a group later in life. I guess having none is better than having fake friends though.

The way you refer to yourself as out of people's league suggests that on some level you feel better than them. That attitude might be coming across subconciously, and if it is, it won't endear you to them.