To wonder if this group of friends has always been a bit jealous/envious?

[Marcos56]

It's a group of schoolfriends I've had issues with for a long time, barely see each other anyway and there have been a number of sly digs over the years, even if there has also been support and encouragement.
I've never felt like the above until I started questioning it very recently.
I was the only one in the group who did things like go to live abroad, spoke other languages, and so on.
I have always been told I'm very attractive, and have a great figure, and I know that definitely caused resentment for them.
I earn the least out of all of them as it happens, and majority of them are homeowners and married or engaged, I'm none of those things and now I think they've got that feeling that they've 'made it' and I haven't.
There would be comments like 'Do you remember when Marcos used to do X at school? And laughter. This was years after we left, yet they seemed to think I was still that same 16 year old girl.
Through the uni years, and basically through adulthood, they would never, ever come to see me at uni, despite invites. It was always me going to visit them, I don't know why I put up with it.
One of them was such a bitch to me, she said "It's no wonder you haven't got a boyfriend,. You've got so many problems.' we were around 18, I had no idea what problems she meant but it really hurt.
There was always just a slight mocking towards me, it's hard to explain.
One of them was laughing that I'd been 'all over' my boyfriend of the time . We were only 19, and he was my boyfriend.
I've noticed they almost never like things I post on social media (I like things they post). They'd ignore me in conversations too.
There were also a lot of nice moments, support, compliments and so on.
I'm sure my thread will rub people up the wrong way because it's certainly taboo to admit you have things going for you and are attractive, unfortunately. I'm not saying they are unattractive, they are. However they would make comments about how it wasn't 'fair' that I was slimmer than them.
Anyway, I've come to this realisation recently. We're in our early 30s now, we used to have 2 other friends in our circle who left, probably for the same reasons. They may not be jealous at all, I've just always felt like an outcast.
I've got the whatsapp group on archive but occasionally I cave now and again and try to arrange meetups. Very occasionally it may happen, but we rarely speak and they'd never come to see where I live so what's the point? If I quit the group fully they'll just laugh at me and call me dramatic, sensitive (I know they already think I am). I'm just hurt thinking about the years, I know female groups can be like this, I want to move on.

Oh no, it's quite the opposite.
The 2 boyfriends said that they felt I was, but I never thought I was to them.
I've always had quite low self esteem and been very shy, unfortunately.

I saw that one was very jealous of her sister, and said she used her miscarriage to gain attention which I thought was awful. So it made me think that maybe they will do it to friends too.
However I now think it might be more the opposite, they see me as more as some sort of lost cause.

Can you establish a friendship 1:1 with the ones you do have a good relationship with?

I actually had a similar experience. We were a group of 5 school friends. One used to make little digs at me all the time and make me the butt of jokes, we would all laugh but I could tell she had some sort of a chip on her shoulder about me.

Anyway we grew up and age 28ish I went to her hen party and once again - I could just tell I irritated her. So I inwardly thought ‘fuck this, why should I be spending £100+ on attending a party for somebody who doesn’t even like me except to make herself feel superior by putting me down’ and I went extremely low contact from that point on. Never said anything, but stopped making an effort. Figured that if she wanted a friendship, she’d put the effort in. She didn’t, so that’s that, and I don’t even miss her.

I am still super close to three others in the group, I am godparent to their children etc.

Can you do something similar?

I’m sorry OP, it sounds like a rubbish friend group. I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s jealousy as such, some assholes people just enjoy having someone to look down on in order to feel more secure in themselves. They’d never admit to that, though. I just think this is a case of classic mean-girl behavior and isn’t worth your time or money to invest in those relationships any further.

If it were me, I would pull a slow fade and stop initiating interaction/participating in the group conversations and get togethers. If they invite you to things, be polite but busy doing something else. Of course if you can’t get around an interaction, be polite and kind. Don’t give the satisfaction of a reaction. Just don’t bother to invest any further in the relationship. The sly put-downs are living rent-free in your head and are stealing your joy. I’d work to find some friends who are secure in themselves and a better fit for you in terms of goals and life stage.

I was the only one in the group who did things like go to live abroad, spoke other languages, and so on

I have always been told I'm very attractive, and have a great figure, and I know that definitely caused resentment for them.

they felt I was out of their league

Perhaps this attitude comes across to others and pisses them off.

Of course they are jealous of you.

Truly, you can be anything; more wealthy, more intelligent, better travelled, higher social class, have a nicer house, more wonderful holidays, better behaved children ad infinitum...

But nothing rubs women up the wrong way, or brings out their nasty side more than if you are better looking than them.

We haven't moved on from equating each other's worth and therefore threat to our objective beauty.
We probably never will, so don't hold your breath and move on from this group.

Yes, I am aware that this post will be as inflammatory as the proverbial red rag to a bull. Uncomfortable truths usually are.

Friendships change and you’ve moved on. I’d wish them a happy Christmas once a year and create that space in your life for some new friends

You're right, but I think it's often because it's rubbed into your face. The pretty friend always gets more male attention, people treat them noticeably differently, etc.
I also do think it's human nature to compare and be jealous. I'm not perfect, I'd have some schadenfreude over someone like the OP.

However, what's BAD is making digs, and telling people hurtful things to their face.id never do that. Whether that makes me better or worse I don't know.

For that reason I think OP should steer well clear.

You're still dwelling on things that were said when you were a kid. Maybe your mind's telling you to move on. A true friendship's a two-way street and it's not what you appear to feel you have. If what you're getting doesn't feel right, just move on. There's a million people out there. Start strengthnening other relationships and keep these other ones in the back burner, then decide.

You are not in school anymore. Just move on

I wouldn’t bother with them, they don’t sound like very good friends. Real friends should make you feel good about yourself

I have moved on from school, however I don't think they have moved onto the present day version of me.
Despite what the PP said, I have always felt inferior as I didn't feel like I was doing as well. I've never felt any superiority.
However this thread has made me feel more comfortable about moving on.
I know some of them meet up themselves, so it's not like the whole group has drifted.
However I know I can leave them in the past now and I appreciate the replies.

This!

Actually thinking I was daft to say jealousy, I think it's more thinking that they've moved on from me. So I need to do the same.

Friends should NEVER make you feel inferior, that's what shitty acquaintances are for and life in general (every now and then). There are people that you have to engage with, like people at work. No matter how shit, often you have to smile and ignore them, the same goes for neighbours and crap relatives, depending on circumstances there's no escape! But friends?! Heck no, those are a choice which is yours and yours alone to make. Don't look back, don't dwell on it and don't feel bad. Never feel bad about ending a friendship with people who make you feel worse not better at the end of the day. Bye bye to those people!

Life is too short to waste with bitter losers.

Move on. If they are jealous, they are not bringing anything to your life. Make new friends.

Sorry to hear that but they don't like you and were never your friends. Cut contact with them and start working on your self esteem ASAP as you strike as someone very needy and a bit of people pleaser. Good luck!

I think sometimes in groups they can become this dynamic where one person is the whipping boy or butt of the joke. I don't think that it is any deeper than the person is an easy target/gets hurt rather than fires it back to them. This dynamic has been going on for years and I don't think there is anything you can do about it at this stage.

Ive experienced this. I think it's a classic case of hurt people hurt. People who are unhappy make themselves feel better by slowly digging at someone else. You don't need a group of friends. You need a handful of people who make you feel loved. If they all know each other and are naturally a group, great! If not, its not a big deal.

Cut them out like the other 2 who left the group did. You'll feel so much better with time. You'll also find the two that were nice to you, will gravitate back.

Friendships shouldn't be this hard. Being friends with people is supposed to enhance your life, not make you feel rotten.

It's time to let them go now.

Well looks are subjective like. So pretty stupid post really.

Long-term friendships can be great. However, they can also end up with a pattern of one or both parties treating the other like they’re still the person they were 10 or 20 years ago. At best, the friendship can grow stale and drift into pure nostalgia; at worst it can become toxic.

I ended a long-term friendship about six years ago. There were many reasons, but one was that she accused me of neglecting her in favour of who she disparagingly described as my “fabulous new friends” - who, according to her, were clearly fair weather types who would never be there for me the way she always was (in reality, when it suited her). Actually, my newer friends were there for me, but with the massive bonus of not dredging up things that happened in 2004 if there was ever the slightest disagreement.

These so-called friends want to keep you in a box based on who you were 15 years ago - and are still acting like teens themselves. If they are jealous of the way you look, it’s very easy for them to tell themselves that it hasn’t done you much good, because they’re the ones who got boyfriends/husbands. If they’re feeling insecure, they can dismiss you as daft Sally who got a bit silly over some lad in 2006.

It’s time to move on from these people.

Interestingly there's been many studies of human attractiveness which conclude the exact opposite.

But its nice to believe that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, I get that.

But its nice to believe that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, I get that.

It is though, look at the threads on here about celeb men. Some think Benedict is gorgeous & Tom Hardy is awful!

I’m not sure if it’s jealousy, but it sounds like they don’t like you & aren’t very nice people, and you don’t particularly like them.

They’re not your friends, you have muted the whatsapp - now unfollow them on social media, don’t contact them again and don’t let them get in your headspace.