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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed by my community of parent friends and peers

95 replies

FlyBirdieFly · 16/07/2023 09:41

Hi everyone,

I just wondered what people's perspectives are on this.

We have a 6 year old girl and during our time as parents, we have struggled to build a community in the way I expected we would. I thought parenthood would bring new supportive friendships where mutual help / support would come naturally. However I've just not found that. Our DD rarely gets invited to friends' houses, yet we have her friends over a lot - one of them in particular we have over every week but dd has only been invited there a couple of times. This has always been the pattern - we invite and host folk to ours but so rarely get invited to others' for similar - we do a mixture of having DC and a parent / parents round or just have DC round on their own. I think we're pretty nice people and DD is generally very kind and well behaved, (with the odd normal off day on occasion). We get asked fairly regularly to help out with friends' children etc which we do almost every time were asked.
We've had a really challenging year as a family - we lost dp's dad last year and a baby at late gestation earlier this year and I've been really shocked at the almost total lack of support from our community of pals.
We live in London and I wonder if people are just so busy and consumed by the franticness of their pace of life they don't have space to form proper mutually supportive communities. Or, am I just naive and that's just the way it is everywhere?
I'd be interested to know other people's experiences on building communities with other families and if anyone has any tips for me. Or if I should just get on with it and that's just the way life is.

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

DinnaeFashYersel · 17/07/2023 14:11

I have my own friends. I don't need to become friends with my children's friends parents.

Maybe these parents are the same.

Birdienumnumm · 17/07/2023 14:12

I do know where you’re coming from, OP. I have sometimes struggled with the same ‘issues’. We have no family around, so I do have to rely on friends sometimes, or my kids friends parents. I have discovered that I have to ask when I really need a favour. You can’t expect people to guess what you need, and they’ve always (apart from one ‘friend’) been really happy to help.

I’ve also had to accept that my house is the one where everyone comes to hang out and some parents don’t reciprocate ever. My kids are teens now, and it’s actually a bit of a relief knowing they’re with their mates upstairs, rather than on the streets.

heckmuffin · 17/07/2023 14:15

Talking to a German friend last month and she has what you want, OP. A local network of parents who can pitch in to help.

Plenty of parents in the UK yearn for this, yet it's kind of sneered at as a sort of neediness, with a why-should-I-help-you sort of attitude.

CornishTiger · 17/07/2023 14:20

I think some people have been harsh here @FlyBirdieFly .

I have definitely given more play dates with one child of mine than we ever got back. It wasn’t nice to have him notice how he never got to go home with friends yet other children did. Similar with providing emergency childcare when there was snow or school closure due to no water - I was SAHM then and could do but no offer to help when I needed it from those parents.

However there has been some absolute gems of parents who have helped me out- collecting children to stop me dragging a sleeping baby out of car, providing last minute collection and tea when medical emergency also generally rallying. Those parents are the ones who invest in others and create the support networks you talk about. They remain our family’s friends even though we’ve moved on from the school.

Support network means different times to different people. I generally treat people how I’d like to be treated, give time and energy to those who appreciate it and watch out for cheeky fuckers.

EmmaPaella · 17/07/2023 14:22

I found it really difficult to make mum friends and was quite miserable about it for years! The TV/book versions of these kinds of communities did not help.

overitunderit · 17/07/2023 14:27

I don't agree with a lot of what has been said here. Since having my children 3 years ago I have met a small number of friends with children who I know would support me if I had a bereavement. But the relationship has been built between the parents largely and not the kids. We do play dates with a few drinks and chat whilst the kids play or I put in effort to see the mums on my own for dinner and drinks and my DH will organise golf etc. i think you have to create deep relationships in order for people to naturally support you rather than just hosting people or their kids for the odd play date.

Hufflemuff · 17/07/2023 14:37

I think TV shows portray a fake ideal of a sisterhood type relationship between Mums which leads to unrealistic expectations like yours. I think most are just treading water and don't have time to really make friends with you, just because your kids are friends. It doesn't mean you are a bad person undeserving of friendship.

Perhaps your DD friends don't have her over as much because they feel less comfortable with extra bodies in the house than you do. We have a small house, so really feel it when we have 3 or 4 guests over. When you have a big house, I imagine it doesn't feel too claustrophobic. Do the DD friends have siblings or clubs with awkward time tables which make play dates trickier too?

Perhaps you need to find a club of your own in the evenings to scratch this sociability itch?

stayathomer · 17/07/2023 14:58

Well this is the first time ever I’ve sorted YA NBU just because I felt so guilty op x So I’ve come across this a lot. Myself and DH both work. We have 4 kids and our school day involves non stop running. The amount of times the kids have been invited to play dates and then the parent looks at me expectantly and I’m like ‘do you mind if I let you know another time when ds or dd can come over?’ Because I work in a shop I do a lot of days later in the week and most weekends and then we have things like swimming on a Monday after school. Plus I have to collect dses from secondary if I’m off. The odd days I have nothing on I want to get home to see my mum or I might have to help out mil. Add to this our house is never visitor ready (dses once had a conversation on how clean other people’s houses are, which, look, we try but with four kids, a dog, two cats and no time, it’s not going to happen!) … my point is , sometimes the semantics are just too difficult. We try our best but it’s a casualty of us having too much on. I’m so sorry op, it sounds tough and I’m sure you’ll just find a community too.

stayathomer · 17/07/2023 14:58

Voted not sorted!

Upsetrethis · 17/07/2023 15:41

So sorry for your loss op, that’s really hard. We make a big effort with friends and their kids as our children really enjoy having friends over and socialising. Everyone comes to things we organise and seem to really enjoy it and we’ve hosted many little weekends as we have a separate aneix where people can stay with kids. Apart from one couple friend who are absolutely lovely and invite us over regularly for food , wine , play dates with kids most just don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️
It isn’t because of space etc , I just think lots can’t be bothered to organise it or have absolutely become more insular tbh like a pp said.
Ive organised a bbq type thing soon and I asked some parents out of politeness (possibly also as we have a mutual
friend and didn’t want to look as though we were snubbing them) and our dcs are friends and they’ve accepted straight away , we’ve never once been invited to their house but our dcs get on well and we always have a great time together but just nothing back🤷🏻‍♀️
I actually think it’s really rude tbh and we are focusing more and more on those that actually make an effort back. Life is short and I think friendships are really important especially when we are older.

Carsarelife · 17/07/2023 15:46

@FlyBirdieFly totally get where you're coming from. I live in a small ish village and you know the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" I've not found that to be the case at all. I'm am older mum, having a child in my 40's and most of the mums don't really talk to me up the school . It's possible I suppose that some of them think I'm the grandma I don't know.
I'm a single parent with 2 children and don't get any support at all. I lost my brother at Xmas time and we were super close and I've found it so hard, but I just learn to get on with it I suppose.
I'm in the WhatsApp group but always feel the outsider.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/07/2023 16:52

Does anyone know you're struggling? Have you opened up to anyone? When single I always thought friends in families were in happy cozy in love bubbles and I was the sometimes lonely one. There is a lot of kindness and help out there (as I've found when ex left me while pregnant) but ppl aren't mind readers.
Can you suggest to other mum friends 'gosh we need a date night out soon can anyone do a tit for tat sleepover soon?' Or same for a Saturday afternoon off. So they realise that's it's seen as a favour rather than just for the kids.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/07/2023 16:53

Carsarelife · 17/07/2023 15:46

I would be your pal if I was in your kids school for sure!! Can you seek out other ai for mums there?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/07/2023 16:54

Also there is a risk if you're TOO good with hosting people may feel shy to have you over to their more modest house

Lacucuracha · 17/07/2023 16:59

Sorry about the loss of your baby and your FIL

I think these ‘friends’ are pretty shit not to have supported you at this time.

I would withdraw and stop having them round. They have got used to you being the host.

Carsarelife · 17/07/2023 17:14

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I am actually quite a sociable person but I think where I did wraparound care due to work I was never there for drop off or pick up. 3 years in I have a different job so always do drop off, but people seem to be a real rush in the mornings and I do pick up twice a week.
I just kind of stand there whilst others are huddled in their groups, but they are in their 20's or 30's and I'm now 51 with an 8 year old so why would they want to befriend me.
It's hard, and I've probably looked really depressed for the past 6-7 months.
People won't approach people I guess when they look glum

NewDayNewDiary · 17/07/2023 17:29

We are in London and have a lovely community of friends. Our kids are older and have just left school in the last few years and we still meet up regularly with their friends’ parents. We were also lucky in that many of our university friends stayed and had kids in London and we have remained close as our kids grew up.

I think persistence is key if you want to develop a community. Keep up with the play dates, chat at school events, smile and be inclusive. It can be hard, especially
if not reciprocated. But for me it was worth it. For the kids and for us as empty nest syndrome kicks in!

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Try not to give up or feel too disillusioned if you can. Good luck.

Yellowlegobrick · 17/07/2023 17:32

Do you work op? I find most working parents rarely host playdates, because they just don't have time. They don't have time to tidy the mess it makes, they don't want to have to host an extra kid for supper

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/07/2023 17:37

@Carsarelife you have lots to offer friends whatever your age! There are also apps like peanut and frolo for finding mum friends xx

Carsarelife · 17/07/2023 17:45

@Unexpectedlysinglemum thanks. Unless I'm really unlikeable I'd like to think so

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