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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at my DP's sister?

80 replies

Lucyand2 · 25/02/2008 14:59

On saturday I mentioned to DP's sister that DP and I were thinking about getting married later this year, rather than waiting until 2010 as originally planned. The sister is getting married in July next year and although she's been describing her wedding as 'low key' it is going to be quite a big thing.
The next day DP's mum told us that the sister was very upset about us getting married but she couldn't quite explain why. As far as I can tell she thinks our wedding will draw attention away from hers. We're planning a very small wedding without an evening thing and very few guests so I really don't understand what her problem is. I felt a bit upset when I first heard but now I just feel annoyed

OP posts:
dal21 · 26/02/2008 11:22

i think her email shows good intent (kinda) i also think it is quite manipulative.

i would meet face to face to discuss this; and unless this is negotiable with you, let her know you have no intent of changing.

have to say she'd never survive in an indian family - wedding season can see 4/5 weddings per family quite easily and noone gives a monkeys! the only no no is not to book same day (have even had 2 in one weekend).

she needs a bit of a reality check.

you know you could always fall pregnant the same time as her and steal her thunder again.

captainmummy · 26/02/2008 11:51

2littlemonkeys - you really fell put out tat your SIL booked 6 weeks after yours? I don't get it - when we got married there were lots going on at the time, maybe one a month, and I dont even remember who got married/announce it at the same time.
There will be lots of weddings happening in the same week/month/year as yours. Get over it.

agnesnitt · 26/02/2008 12:08

It sounds like she's so engrossed in her wedding plans that she has forgotten that she is getting married, if that makes any sense? Just send her a polite email telling her that she can have all the bells and whistles she waqnts, but that you're not going to apologise for wanting to cement your relationmshipw ith your partner, nor will you bow to her passive aggressive behaviour.

Agnes

edam · 26/02/2008 12:24

She's barking. I'd send a quick email back saying 'it's great that you are happy for us, we are very happy for you too and we are sure the family can cope with celebrating one wedding in 2008 and one in 2009!.

Blimey, one of my best friends booked the same reception venue I was using but for the month before. I just thought of it as a chance for a test drive!

larry5 · 26/02/2008 12:30

When I got married in February - 36 years ago now - dh and I had been engaged for 14 months. My sister got engaged the month before my wedding and wanted to get married as quickly as possible. Unfortunately - on her part - her sil couldn't come over from Canada until after the 1st April so my sister got married 6 weeks after me. I have to say I would have been a bit miffed if she had got married before me and I think, even now, she feels that as she is older she should have got married first.

Thinking back I wonder how my mother coped as both the weddings were at home (my parents had a big house) and it was the third wedding in 6 months there as my cousin had used the house for her wedding as well. The fact of my cousin's wedding didn't spoil my wedding day one bit.

Original poster
Lucyand2 · 26/02/2008 13:39

Wow, thankyou for all the responses! It has really given me something to think over especially as I was getting quite upset about it. Bridezilla really made me laugh so thankyou for that
The money thing (as in her parents paying out) isn't an issue as my parents have offered to pay. I think my Mum is quite keen on the idea as she suggested it and bringing the date forwards.
I think this is really annoying me and upsetting me as I only had DD2 3 weeks ago and I'm still feeling quite hormonal. Normally I'd be able to laugh it off as another example of her crazy behaviour (eg. she once cried all the way to the airport because she'd forgotten her soft toy bunny and she even tried to get her mum to bring it to the airport for her. She was about 21 at this point)
At the end of the day the wedding should be about celebrating the love of that couple and not about upstaging relatives or whatever she seems to think.
I haven't replied to her as I don't want to say anything I might regret later and I think it may be best coming from DP. Why she couldn't just ring us to talk about is beyond me.
We're hardly going to be upstaging her with a quick civil service followed by sausages and mash. Instead of an evening do we were just going to have a meal with close family at our house! If she's worried about guests getting wedding fatigue then we could always just leave her entire family out - then I can invite more of mine. I'm sure her family would love that

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 26/02/2008 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 26/02/2008 13:54

Is her bed covered in ickle soft fluffy bunnikins, by any chance? Blimey, are you sure her intended knows what he's getting himself into?!

cheeset · 26/02/2008 14:05

I wouldn't let it worry you, women can be so bl bitchy and me me me.

She is behaving like a spoilt child, not getting her own way!

I would send her an email back saying you are going to proceed with your wedding and outline your wedding plans.

Reassure her your wedding is going to be SO different from her wedding and try to reassure her BUT i would not indulge her.

She sounds like she needs to grow up, BIG DEAL your getting married before her, SO!

Remind her about the starving in Africa, orphanages in Romania......

melpomene · 26/02/2008 14:13

YANBU. She is being completely unreasonable. Presumably none of her friends are allowed to get married within the next year and a half either?

and LOL at mildmanneredjanitor's post re Kilimanjaro.

hifi · 26/02/2008 17:47

my ds was married in november i got married in the following june, it seemed an age in between, DO IT.

nkf · 26/02/2008 17:49

I think she's being silly but her email kind of acknowledges that.

Original poster
Lucyand2 · 27/02/2008 08:40

DP phoned his sister last night to talk it all over with her. She couldn't actually explain what her problem was, at one point she said it was the wedding then she said it was the marriage
She said that people agreed with her and she'd shown the e-mail to people first to check it was okay.
I think what we did establish was that either she doesn't know why it's bothering her or she just wasn't willing to tell us. Nothing much was resolved but it helped to get it talked over despite the fact that she wanted to resolve it by e-mail.
Now we'll just have to wait and see what happens if we do decide to get married this year. I really hope she'll have calmed down by then.
It has really put me off talking to her just in case she takes something the wrong way though which is kind of sad. I'm not going to talk weddings with her again just to be sure.

OP posts:
UniversallyChallenged · 27/02/2008 09:09

my only comment is i am glad your dp is dealing with it - his family, dont get involved(even tho of course you are, but am sure ykwim) . However much time i have been married, when push comes to shove dh deals with his family and i deal with mine re problems.

Alambil · 27/02/2008 09:14

She is being weird - my mate has 7 weddings this summer; all different, all just as exciting as eachother - does she really think your family are that shallow as to not get excited/smile in the photos of her wedding - that is a whole half a year (or more) apart from hers?!

Print this thread and show her - maybe she will realise that MONTHS apart is ages and people aren't stupid or shallow... there isn't a limit on the excitement allowed per person, per year!

posieflump · 27/02/2008 09:14

7 weddings!! How does she afford to go to all of them?!

flowerybeanbag · 27/02/2008 09:17

I think you should just ignore her and get on with your own plans.
She is being childish and ridiculous and should not be pandered to I reckon; acknowledging her concerns and trying to address them in any way means you are giving some credibility to what she is saying.

helenhismadwife · 27/02/2008 20:34

she is being childish and her email is awful

do what suits you and your dp, I dont see how your wedding will have any impact on hers at all.

For her wedding present I suggest a copy of the four weddings and a funeral dvd

HonoriaGlossop · 27/02/2008 21:22

oh jeez I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my entire life.

FGS!

FFS!

Are you sure you want to marry into this family - SERIOUSLY

I cannot seriously believe that anyone would think this way. It's beyond childish. I would not humour this at all, I would have to say to her or MIL that this is utter rubbish and you won't give this the time of day.

Jeezus

Heated · 27/02/2008 21:42

My brother, SIL and us all married within 4 months of each other. And? Just a fantastic summer of fab family gatherings and a chance to dress up!

Your SIL is a daft bint: ignore her stamping her foot and pity her wedding party, esp the BG!

You have a fab day, how you want it to be.

Blueskythinker · 27/02/2008 21:44

Lucy, when are you planning to get married? Is it this summer, or closer to chistmas?

At least there is some dialogue going on, which is a good thing (so long as nothing is said which might later be regretted!) It is funny how people get so wound up about weddings. It is so important at the time, but 5 yrs into marriage, although it is wonderful, I wonder what all the fuss was about.

My SIL upstaged our wedding by announcing at the meal she was pregnant! Despite being previously asked not to. (she was only 9 wks) Other threads currently running re latest antics.

bohemianbint · 27/02/2008 21:45

Bejesus. Weddings clearly make people totally deranged. I am now definitely going to do it in some remote cave without telling anyone.

Give her a cup of tea, a paracetamol and tell her to sort herself out.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/02/2008 21:48

If there are any helpful MNers with medical knowledge about out there, could you come round to mine? I have been trying to get my jaw up off the ground since I read that woman's e-mail and it's not happening, I think I am going to have to have my jaw surgically re-applied to the correct place

WallOfSilence · 27/02/2008 21:58

Jesus...

2 of my brothers got married within 4 weeks of each other!

Brother no1 had his wedding planned for 2 years.

Brother no2 decided about 2 months beforehand!

The wife to be of Bro no2 called the wife to be of bro no1 to make sure they had no clash of bridesmaid colours & she hung up on her after giving out to her about being a bitch & upstaging her!!!

Seriously... we are a huge family.. we love nothing more than a big get together... nobody cared about them getting married close together.

Wedding no1 was a huge affair.. but the music was shite & the bride never smiled (VERY offputting not to mention a waste of £6 getting the film developed )

Wedding no2 was the best laugh! Even though I was heavily pregnant with ds for both the weddings I was in great form this day & danced the feet off myself! It was a family wedding only, just 32 people & it was FAB! SIL no1 sat in the corner all day, only emerging to insult our other SIL. I couldn't make it up!

Oh and wedding no1 was talked about for months cos the bride told everyone how much the dresses cost.... wedding no2 wasn't even mentioned as the bride wore her sisters dress & used her sisters bridesmaid dresses... her sister got married 8 weeks before that!!

HonoriaGlossop · 27/02/2008 22:14