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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at my DP's sister?

80 replies

Lucyand2 · 25/02/2008 14:59

On saturday I mentioned to DP's sister that DP and I were thinking about getting married later this year, rather than waiting until 2010 as originally planned. The sister is getting married in July next year and although she's been describing her wedding as 'low key' it is going to be quite a big thing.
The next day DP's mum told us that the sister was very upset about us getting married but she couldn't quite explain why. As far as I can tell she thinks our wedding will draw attention away from hers. We're planning a very small wedding without an evening thing and very few guests so I really don't understand what her problem is. I felt a bit upset when I first heard but now I just feel annoyed

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 26/02/2008 10:10

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slim22 · 26/02/2008 10:16

@ bridzilla.
Had never heard that before. I say it accurately describes the situation.

jellies · 26/02/2008 10:19

Wow that email was mean in the nicest possible way (the hardest to ignore), she's talking rubbish and emotionally blackmailing you. Go ahead and organise your wedding, you are being very far from inconsiderate..

captainmummy · 26/02/2008 10:21

I can't understand a) why anyone would schedule a wedding for 2010 - 2years!
or b) why having a wedding this year will 'clash' with hers? Go for the summer and it'll be a full year before hers (rather than a full year after?)

littlemrsmiss · 26/02/2008 10:22

How ridiculous. I think that is a terrible email. "anti climatic effect"???

When i announced the date of my wedding, my SIL promptly booked hers for 4 weeks before mine! My DH was best man for his friends wedding on that same date so would not be able to attend. This did not bother her one bit. I had to spend half the day at my brothers and SIL wedding then the other half at (after a 2 hour drive) my friends wedding where my DH was best man!

Now that is what I call a problem - not a gap of practically a year like yours!

ConnorTraceptive · 26/02/2008 10:26

you're a great couple but also inconsiderate.
Talk about barbed wire wrapped in cotton wool.

If we're talking months apart here not even weeks then she is being very precious about her big day. You would do well to remind her that the only people who are really excited about the wedding are the bride and groom, parents and grandparents - Everyone else will be on MN moaning about the fact that it's child free, abroad, they've asked for cash not presents, that it's just to expensive to buy new dress, book a b&b and buy a gift. Or if they're like me will be thinking ooh chance to get dressed up and have a good time drinking!

happynappies · 26/02/2008 10:26

Agree - emotional blackmail. She's hoping you will feel 'guilted' into changing your plans. She should be happy for you. It won't affect her wedding, it won't detract from her 'big day'. The fact that you don't feel it will detract from your wedding (i.e. the fact that her wedding will be x months after yours) shows you have more of a grasp on reality. If I were you I'd reply saying something along the lines of 'thanks for your words of reassurance - glad to hear it won't be a problem' without 'pandering' to her at all. I know people get very precious about their weddings but there is a big difference between looking forward to your special day to celebrate with friends and family, and alienating the very same friends and family by becoming a bridezilla. My SIL accused me of 'taking the gloss off' their big day because I found out I was pg with our first three months before. We thought we should let our family know as I was suffering from dreadful morning sickness, wasn't sure how late we'd be able to stay because I was so tired, and of course wasn't able to drink. Oh, and of course the fact that we were over the moon and wanted to share it with them!! Families eh?

AngharadGoldenhand · 26/02/2008 10:28

I read this thread yesterday and thought your sil-to-be was over-reacting a little.

Now I've read her e-mail, I'm starting to feel sorry for her.

Maybe she just feels you've stolen her thunder a little bit?

seeker · 26/02/2008 10:30

I think people get really irrational about weddings.

Mind you, if you want to hear irrational..... I had to speak very very firmly to myself to stop myself being upset with db and sil when it turned out that their baby was due in the same week as mine, and was actually born 4 days later. I distinctly remember crying over 4 day old dd and saying "you're not the youngest in the family any more - it's not fair!"

That makes the wedding thing seem positivly SANE!

themildmanneredjanitor · 26/02/2008 10:30

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Emprexia · 26/02/2008 10:31

I can see where she's coming from, even with that email.

If she's got a big shin-dig planned and been looking forward to it, then finds out you've decided to bring yours forward... maybe she thinks you are doing it to 'upstage' her.

It is bridezillaish, but i think the thought would have crossed my mind if that had happened to me as well.

themildmanneredjanitor · 26/02/2008 10:32

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TillyScoutsmum · 26/02/2008 10:35

I don't think YABU and she does have a touch of the bridezillas BUT her email does seem to indicate that you are (were?) quite close and she seems to just want to explain why she's feeling a bit put out.

Meet up with her and explain that in had never crossed your mind that it would have any effect on her wedding (because of it being 6 months + before and being a completely different type etc.) and you really hope they can overcome their "disappointment". Perhaps it could even be an opportunity to do some wedding planning together ? (I sound like farkin Pollyanna now - sorry !)

posieflump · 26/02/2008 10:36

stolen her thunder?
upstaged her?

I am really surprised people actually think like this. It's just a day, one day ut of the whole of your life. Sheer madness to pin so much o just one day

hanaflower · 26/02/2008 10:37

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Emprexia · 26/02/2008 10:38

Look at it from her point of view though.

she's in the middle of planning her wedding, and suddenly her brother who wasn't getting married until the year AFTER, has bought it forward to BEFORE hers... what would you think?

I'm sorry.. i think it would smack slightly of "Oh.. i'm not letting you have all the attention, i'm going to get married before you so yours is less special."

How are the relatives going to think? Its not going to be "oh good for you" its going to be "Now we have to fork out for both weddings, and even if its that far apart they'll be thinking it'll be difficult to attend and afford both.

I've seen it happen with my cousins who did something similar.

AngharadGoldenhand · 26/02/2008 10:40

posieflump - I don't feel like this, but that's the feeling I get from the e-mail.

I'm thinking that perhaps she's worried that family members will be a bit 'oh, god another wedding, rather than excited at a family event that doesn't happen all the time.

miffymum · 26/02/2008 10:43

Poor you. Your SIL seems intent on turning what should be a happy event for both of you into an ishoo.

Don't pander to her - you don't need to indulge her even if the rest of her family do. Your wedding day is your business even if you decided to have it the day before hers which clearly you haven't.

hanaflower · 26/02/2008 10:46

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ConnorTraceptive · 26/02/2008 10:49

Ah you prove my point Kaishay people are not excited by weddings just interested in what it's going to cost them!

I went to three weddings in one weekend once - had a blinding time at each of them!

jellies · 26/02/2008 10:49

you could plan your next baby for the week of her wedding that would really piss her off!

posieflump · 26/02/2008 10:49

'How are the relatives going to think? Its not going to be "oh good for you" its going to be "Now we have to fork out for both weddings, and even if its that far apart they'll be thinking it'll be difficult to attend and afford both'

well the weddings were going to be 2010 and sometime after weren't they

and now they are 2009 and 2010

what is the difference?

I'm sorry I don't think they have a point at all

posieflump · 26/02/2008 10:50

completely agree wiht Hanaflower

lizziemun · 26/02/2008 10:51

I would be inclined as she feels your (small)wedding will still her thunder you have decided only to have parents to the reg offfice and a small evening party, but she feels this will clash with her plans then you understand if she doesn't come.

Or you could just explain to her and DP mum that the reason you are doing this is that if you do move away to the other end of the country with your dp job then you didn't want them to incur extra costs when coming to your wedding.

I realy don't understand you SIL, when me and dh anounce our wedding date his sister and her DP decided that they wanted to get married firtst as they already had a dd. I didn't give a monkeys it was their day and nothing to do with ours a year later.

2littlemonkeys · 26/02/2008 10:56

my wedding had been booked for 2 years when my now sil decided she was going to get married 6 weeks after us, i can honestly say she pissed me right off, and 2 this day 2 years later we still have a strained relationship, so i can see where she is coming from but 12 months is a long time she will get over it its probable the initial shock, my sil wanted to use our bridesmaid dresses as they would be havin the same for there wedding they even chose our colour burgendy can you tell am still bitter lol xx