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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DP to make an effort for our wedding?

36 replies

bigbumhole · 25/02/2008 14:21

DF and I are planning our wedding. I have spent endless hours browsing shops, magazines, internet for ideas and inspiration for our big day and my dress. My mother and I are even going to London for the day to check out some of their wedding shops.

When questioned DF about his plans for his wedding suit, he replied "It's OK, ive got a suit jacket from Tesco* in my wardrobe, i'll just were that with my black trousers and a shirt"

He told me he doesn't need to wear expensive clothing to our wedding to prove he loves me. He said he loves me unconditionally and doesn't need a brand new suit to prove that. Fair point BUT STIL.....!!

I told him he better buy a new bloody suit otherwise i shan't be at the wedding.

Am IBU to expect him to make at least a BIT of a feeking effort?!

(*which he bought for 20 quid to go to a work colleagues wedding)

OP posts:
branflake81 · 25/02/2008 14:23

Hmmm...tough one. I think you just have to accept that his attitude towards what's important is different to yours. He is right - essentially, it's the ceremony that's important and not his outfit. But I can see why you'd like him to make more of an effort. I think you shouldn't translate his lack of sartorial interest into lack of interest for you. It's his day too - let him wear what he wants.

TheFallenMadonna · 25/02/2008 14:24

Um....do you think he might be reacting to your "endless hours" of wedding hoohah?

Or is he worried about cost?

choosyfloosy · 25/02/2008 14:25

Very annoying but.....

tbh perhaps not the nicest approach to make him want to be there! he says he loves you unconditionally, you only love him if he dresses up for you...

Try to leave it. I bet you would hate it if he told you to stop making plans and just wear something you already have because a big wedding outfit is a waste of money. If he is happy for you to enjoy planning your outfit, can you let him be happy NOT planning his outfit? Just asking. Enjoy your trip with your mum

Tinker · 25/02/2008 14:25

I'm on his side a bit. I wouldn't have bought it from Tesco in the first place but, if he's got a decent suit already...I would react against your making such a big deal over your dress though. So, if he is like me, he may well be doing that?

Original poster
bigbumhole · 25/02/2008 14:26

Its the dosh that worries him.

What can i say he's a man and thinks on a very logical level. i.e. "i've got a black suit and trousers, why do i need to buy a new one" sort of mode.

OP posts:
Tinker · 25/02/2008 14:27

Maybe he's nervous about being called Mr BigBumHole?

Blandmum · 25/02/2008 14:29

Me, @Shall we have 'Love Divine' for one of the Hymns at the wedding'

Him 'Isn't that a bit soppy'

At that point he was told what to wear and where to be, at what time.

Much happier all round!

20 years down the line we are still very happily married

RubySlippers · 25/02/2008 14:29

i have yet to meet a man who has much, or any interest in the actual details of a wedding

LoveMyGirls · 25/02/2008 14:29

Has he happened to have put any weight on since he brought the tesco suit? My dp thinks he's got more than he has because he forgets things that he wore 5 years ago don't fit him now.

Oh and if you htink a suit from tesco's is bad........My sd wore a £4 dinner suit from oxfam for his wedding to my mum, tbh I thought that was good!

Nbg · 25/02/2008 14:30

I can see both sides in this and I think if I was you I'd be reacting the same.

At the end of the day he is right, he doesnt need an expensive suit to declare his love blah blah

but

this is a one day occasion. You will never say those vows again to each other and its a special time.
So you would think its a time to look good too and make an effort.

I do think Women are far more into the whole wedding thing than Men are and they dont really "get" the whole posh outfits.

My dh really wanted a Ted Baker suit that he'd seen for his wedding but couldnt get one in his size in time.
In the end he just rented a morning suit for £40 and it was lovely.

Why not suggest something like that to him?

Original poster
bigbumhole · 25/02/2008 14:31

Hmmm i feel a bit diss-heartend over the lack of understanding regarding my dress. I just want to look nice for him and not just pick any old dress or dog something out of my wardrobe for the big day. Is it wrong to spend ages looking for ideas and inspiration? I am planning on only marrying once!!

For the record he has nothing to do with my wedding searching mission, i do it all in my own time, its not like i drag him around with me.

For those who are married, didnt you spend ages looking for "that perfect dress" or is it just me?!

OP posts:
Nbg · 25/02/2008 14:31

for his wedding

I meant our wedding

Chequers · 25/02/2008 14:35

Message withdrawn

choosyfloosy · 25/02/2008 14:36

Oh God BBH, I spent absolutely ages BOTH times i completely loved it. just didn't really see why anyone else should love it too. I have to say I exercised a strong veto over dh's wardrobe as well - 'you can wear anything you like EXCEPT THAT ONE. AND THAT ONE.' with the result that he had to buy a suit. Try the same message with a bit more sugar on it, maybe? [manipulative emoticon]

Chequers · 25/02/2008 14:37

Message withdrawn

Chequers · 25/02/2008 14:38

Message withdrawn

Original poster
bigbumhole · 25/02/2008 14:40

Totally agree chequers, im not expecting him to buy a 1,000 suit, maybe just hire one or buy a new one FOR our wedding (even a TK Maxx job would be fine). I just want him to make a slight effort rather than wear the slightly cheap looking, 20quid job, polyester jacket with different tone black trousers that he wears to work 50 weeks a year!!

Choosyfoosy, LOL at the "both times", but glad i am not alone in hunting for my perfect dress!

OP posts:
Minum · 25/02/2008 14:43

I chose my dress in a couple of hours, my MIL took me shopping, she thought I was leaving it a bit late to buy one (2 days before wedding!). DH wore a suit he already had, I think, tbh I've never asked him where it came from. I wouldnt have dreamed of asking him what he was going to wear before the day.

We're blissfully happy 14 years on.

Chequers · 25/02/2008 14:44

Message withdrawn

IamTheSpeedingHam · 25/02/2008 14:45

this is your day lets face it

he isn't arsed - and most men - to be fair- dont ive a fuck what colour your flowers are going to be and whether you have them at the end of the aisle and if they match the weddingcake and if the cake is 2 tiers or three and how many guests will be coming and should aunty shield really sit next to cousin stewart after the last time they were together...............

no

they dont give a fuck

tell him you realse he loves you lots and that you also acknowledge that he doesnt give a fuck

it is in this light he delegates all responsability to you

you do give a fuck

he has by default released the small grasp of ownership you were both pretending he has and now you are just oing to tell him what to do

its your wedding day

you want it to be right

he is being a lazy fecker

get it out in the open
and tell him
"get down the fucking hire shop sharpish twathead"

doggiesayswoof · 25/02/2008 14:47

Agree with mb - just tell him what he is wearing. Hire a suit if cost is an issue.

FWIW for my 1st wedding I wore a "proper" dress but it was the first one I tried on. It was lovely. I was v glad to find it as I was sooo not up for trailing round shops for months.

I think it's a bit unfair to put pressure on your df by saying "I want to look my best for him". I mean, a part of it at least must be for yourself, and also because it's what's expected of you as the bride? He obviously is not feeling the same pressure

Seriously, this is not worth falling out over.

Original poster
bigbumhole · 25/02/2008 14:47

speedingham - PMSL

OP posts:
bratnav · 25/02/2008 14:49

Ha, you have what I think will be the oppposite problem I think I will have if DP and I get married, he runs a wedding magazine (quite a big one) so no doubt I will be bossed around all over the place

YANBU, I would be a bit miffed if DP wanted to get married in a £20 suit, maybe you need to find him a reasonably priced one to save him having to look himself?

Chequers · 25/02/2008 14:50

Message withdrawn

doggiesayswoof · 25/02/2008 14:51

x-post with Ham and I have to say I agree 100%.

Exh had no say over what he wore at our wedding - he wasn't arsed and I was.

Second time round with dh = much smaller wedding, exactly the same deal re outfits. (Although I was not in a meringue for no. 2)