Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

sister in law upstaging and causing drama

66 replies

Champgal · 15/07/2023 10:05

my SIL is always causing drama in her family and causing people to worry. We are both early 30's and it just seems so bazar to me that she still acts like she does. She lives in US and we live in Aus. Me and my partner gave 2 years notice of our wedding and she decided to get engaged to a guy she had knows for 4 months and wanted to get married 3 weeks before us! This was announced three months before our wedding! Naturally her family were hugely upset as they couldn't get time off/ afford two big weddings three weeks apart. Her work even refused to give her the time off at such short notice so she decided to push it back finally. Now her and her partner have decided not only to not get married but they have very serious problems and need counselling (they have been together less then a year by this point). She didnt come to our wedding because she wanted hers, and just when myself and my partner have paid to bring all our family to AUS as a Christmas gift, she is now pregnant and will be due to pop when the family were due to come, meaning many will need to stay with her as the father isnt reliable and they are practically broken up. Shes not talking to half the family for not being as supportive as she wanted yet is still accepting money from them for bipolar meds she cant afford to pay for, Im so worried for this baby and the entire situation.

OP posts:

ssd · 15/07/2023 10:15

Let her get on with it

orangeleavesinautumn · 15/07/2023 10:17

she isn't "upstaging" anyone she is just getting on with her own life.

Killingmytime · 15/07/2023 10:22

I think it sounds more like its her health condition that maybe causing this rather than upstaging you.
i’d be more worried about her and the baby

Awrite · 15/07/2023 10:22

Sounds like she needs your sympathy, not your judgement.

HermeticDawn · 15/07/2023 10:26

I can’t imagine wasting this much mental energy on someone who lives on the other side of the world.

Also, and I don’t mean this unkindly, but is family into making great drama and calamity about things? People’s 30s are often full of weddings and pregnancies that don’t necessarily line up easily in relation to other people’s events, especially at big distances. The wedding clash didn’t actually happen, and surely her entire family doesn’t need to stay with her when she’s about to give birth in case her partner flakes? Have they actually said they can’t come? It all sounds like a lot of unnecessary fuss about nothing, but she’s not the only responsible for all of it…?

ReachForTheMars · 15/07/2023 10:27

In your shoes, I would be very frustrated.

But you need to look at the bigger picture. She is not adulting very well. You wont be the only one thinking it. If it was your child you would feel crushed if you had to keep rescuing one and putting her first because of her own choices at the expense of her responsible sibling.

The only thing I can say is that your family see you, they see the situation, it's ok to be hurt but even if you disagree with your family 'choosing' her, there is nothing you can do.

If you have kids, you know what it's like wanting to helo them even when they arent helping themselves.

I do think though that it's pretty piss poor for all of your family to piss on your paid flights and go to her when just one relative could support her.

HermeticDawn · 15/07/2023 10:28

Only noticed that she’s bipolar. Surely that should make you sympathetic?

JenniferBarkley · 15/07/2023 10:31

Killingmytime · 15/07/2023 10:22

I think it sounds more like its her health condition that maybe causing this rather than upstaging you.
i’d be more worried about her and the baby

Yeah exactly. Sounds like she's not in a great place and that life is difficult for her.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 15/07/2023 10:32

Upstaging is a strange way to look at it, I don't think you meant she is deliberately upstaging you by her having her baby being due and her relationship breaking at the time of your wedding? I'm a bit worried that you made this about your wedding and a family visit.

WandaWonder · 15/07/2023 10:35

How on earth is she upstaging? People have their own lives

Original poster

Champgal · 15/07/2023 10:35

We try to call her and support her but she NEVER answers unless its her calling about a problem she has, She not only didnt make our wedding but we didnt get a call or text, even after she wasnt having hers. She tells her brother my DH one thing is happening in her life then we find out from her mom that its lies and in fact XY/Z has happened. Shes already asked her parents and brother to stay behind for the baby's birth which is everyone we were going to have over for christmas and have already got flights for.

OP posts:

JenniferBarkley · 15/07/2023 10:39

It's awful timing about the flights but I would have been gutted if my parents were that far away when I had my first baby. They wouldn't have done it either.

BeverlyHa · 15/07/2023 10:39

Get married with your man and forget about " family " of such types. You will meet real sisters and brothers down the road

Original poster

Champgal · 15/07/2023 10:39

WandaWonder · 15/07/2023 10:35

How on earth is she upstaging? People have their own lives

urm... planning a wedding three weeks before her brothers on the the side of the world with next to no notice? before she has even got the time off... booked anything, yet has given people dates and wants all family to fork out for it? That's a text book example of trying to divert attention. Her grandma claims she has always had a problem with people achieving things she wants before her she believes she wanted to get in first with the marriage just so she wasnt second.

OP posts:

starrynight21 · 15/07/2023 10:41

If you are in Oz, I'd say that you'd be better off to let the family get on with it. Live your own life. Stop paying for multiple people to come over to you for weddings / Christmas unless they specifically want to come .

She is bipolar so be a bit sympathetic and stop taking offence at her actions - she may not be fully accountable for what she is doing.

HermeticDawn · 15/07/2023 10:42

Champgal · 15/07/2023 10:39

Show quote history

But you say she’s bipolar. That kind of impulsivity isn’t unusual as a symptom.

Wouldyouguess · 15/07/2023 10:43

But she didn't plan having a baby at the same time you planned to have family over? She has been pregnant for a few months if she is due in December, so it's not like she heard you're flying family over and went, right, I need to get knocked up.

saraclara · 15/07/2023 10:45

I get how maddening it is. But that's bipolar for you.

Have you paid for your family's flights? If so I hope they will reimburse you if they don't come.
It must be pretty terrifying for her parents to leave their bipolar daughter giving birth of the other side of the world, to be fair. Goodness knows what the hormones will do to her condition.

It really sucks for you, but mental ill health is something you just can't argue with.

Wildspace · 15/07/2023 10:46

You just need to crack on with your own life, she’s bipolar and that has its own challenges, she doesn’t need a competitive SIL. Don’t start weaponising family - just have to plan for plans not to go plan. Life isn’t perfect. Accept that it’s not going to be exactly as you have envisioned it.

Overthebow · 15/07/2023 10:47

If she’s due December she’s known since April and is 4/5 months pregnant. She can’t have planned it to stop family coming to you. It’s unfortunate but of course she needs family around when she gives birth, especially as the dad doesn’t sound very helpful.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 15/07/2023 10:51

Why are you slagging off a mentally ill woman from another continent? Detailing behaviour that’s obviously part of being bipolar and calling it ‘bazaar’ is just making you look bad. Live your life.

Original poster

Champgal · 15/07/2023 10:52

starrynight21 · 15/07/2023 10:41

She is bipolar so be a bit sympathetic and stop taking offence at her actions - she may not be fully accountable for what she is doing.

I was extremely sympathetic for the first few years, then I learned she couldn't fully pay for her meds so her mum was paying, Then her mum found out that her gran way paying, and her gran that her other gran was paying. So for five years she has been pocketing money from her own family who are by no means rich. I am extremely aware that her behavior's are effected by this mental illness, but also I know many people with BPD and they wont take money, try and force family to choose between weddings or cut people off when they express concern for your new uncertain and unstable pregnancy. I think its a bit patronizing to people with BPD, most people live very normal lives.

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/07/2023 10:55

SHE HAS BIPOLAR.

you skimmed over it but there is your answer.

I have the misfortune of having to live up close and personal to multiple people with bipolar.
To be candid they are absolute car crashes / drains / wreckers of mental health.

My father destroyed our family (and my childhood) with his refusal to stay properly medicated (a key problem with bipolar is believing you are better and stopping meds)
My current boss has it and the impact on our teams mental health has been unbelievable.
Some are on antidepressants and 2 have had panic attacks for the first time in their lives (they are 30s and 40s) since working with him.

She is not thinking about you when she does things like book her wedding 3 weeks before yours. She was probably having an episode.

You are so lucky to have distance.
Try and be there for your niece or nephew but stsy out of it amd let her car crash of a life unfold.

the tickets are annoying but you booked far enough out surely you can amend and just push the flights out 6months.

Don't engage with the crazy.

Gazelda · 15/07/2023 10:55

It's a shame that you see her actions as attention seeking rather than symptoms of her bipolar diagnosis.

Her family is the worried for her, but you appear not to care other than to be upset about how it affects you.

You're obviously not close, but I'm sure she'd appreciate the odd text to say hi and show her she's in your thoughts.

Apart from that, I think you're best to concentrate on enjoying your own life with your ILs on the periphery..

VeridicalVagabond · 15/07/2023 10:57

Honestly I think just cracking on with your life and letting her get on with hers is the only way. My SIL is similar to this so I do get it, she literally cant stand not being the centre of attention at all times. Every time me and my husband or any of my other siblings have even the tiniest bit of news she has to announce something. Anything.

The best one was when I called my mum to let her know the lump in my boob was just a benign cyst, SIL happened to be at hers with my brother and she furtively announced that she was going to buy a new car at the weekend and tried to get my mum's advice on colour while mum was still on the phone to me talking about my cancer scare. Not her finest hour.

If she really is bipolar then this behaviour is likely a symptom. Best for you to just get on with living your best life, you live half a world away, stop giving her so much headspace!

Flip

1 2 3