sister in law upstaging and causing drama

[Champgal]

my SIL is always causing drama in her family and causing people to worry. We are both early 30's and it just seems so bazar to me that she still acts like she does. She lives in US and we live in Aus. Me and my partner gave 2 years notice of our wedding and she decided to get engaged to a guy she had knows for 4 months and wanted to get married 3 weeks before us! This was announced three months before our wedding! Naturally her family were hugely upset as they couldn't get time off/ afford two big weddings three weeks apart. Her work even refused to give her the time off at such short notice so she decided to push it back finally. Now her and her partner have decided not only to not get married but they have very serious problems and need counselling (they have been together less then a year by this point). She didnt come to our wedding because she wanted hers, and just when myself and my partner have paid to bring all our family to AUS as a Christmas gift, she is now pregnant and will be due to pop when the family were due to come, meaning many will need to stay with her as the father isnt reliable and they are practically broken up. Shes not talking to half the family for not being as supportive as she wanted yet is still accepting money from them for bipolar meds she cant afford to pay for, Im so worried for this baby and the entire situation.

@Champgal I mean it's obviously very wrong to pocket money, but she wasn't pocketing your money so why are you so pissed about it? This is gona become a thread of you saying "but she did this" and people replying "but she has a mental illness".... You are the other side of the world. You don't need to deal with this. Worry about yourself.

Shit timing about the Christmas flights but as others have said, its a bad coincidence not a planned "I'm going to upstage SIL plans"

that poor poor poor baby. It doesn't stand a chance.

yes we have, over 7 grand in flights, we paid for hers too, Its maddening, im aware she has bipolar, I just wish she was better at communicating. It feels like when ever she does pick up the phone we get fed that everything's great, she's super settled, almost finished her nursing school. Yet when we catch up with the family we hear shes dropping out, taking money, she's smoking ounces of weed despite knowing pregnant, lots of things. Some things I get are down to BPD but surely at some stage you have to start taking accountability for at least some of it.

I hope no one with bipolar reads this thread. Being called ‘crazy’, ‘car crash’ and their kid not standing a chance is all pretty gross.

Just saw your latest post.

You are naive / misinformed if you think most people with bipolar live "very normal lives". They really do not.

My boss would be considered a bipolar "sucess" story. He can hold down a job and has a "stable" family which is more than most can manage.
however, the reality when you look under the hood is a lot messier... his teenage children have mental health issues and his wife cant leave him as she needs him for the visa / right to stay in uk. you couldnt pay me to wife or one of his poor children.... he is a train wreck and a deeply unhappy man.

why am I so pissed? Probably because its my family's money that they work very hard for and don't have an abundance of. I am extremely close to my husbands family and always have been, it breaks my heart that they are being exploited by another family member. And I can see how much it breaks theirs too. Its a really sad situation and I am really confused as to why anyone would think this wouldn't bother me.

🤷🏻‍♀️ if they read this thread i home they think seriously before having children and stay medicated.

Like i said my father had bipolar. I wouldnt wish for my child to have the childhood i or my siblings had (which was worse as they were younger and he got progressively worse)

I havebeen clear i think the OP has a poor understanding of how much it impacts everything and how difficult life is for someone with bipolar (and their families who also have to live with it)

No she didn't know her partner when our wedding was planned, she met a guy on tinder and they decided to get married three weeks before our wedding. It pissed me off that she was trying to plan a wedding that was clearly going to effect ours for a guy she had met 4 months ago on tinder. I forgot to mention that she cancelled the wedding two weeks before. People had already paid for the expenses of her wedding. It wasnt simply a case of 'oh well, she cancelled it, it never happened'. People still lost out financially from it.

It sounds like she's desperately trying to remain the centre of attention because she doesn't like the fact your life is the life she wants for herself.

There's really not much you can do about it, I'm afraid, other than sincerely hope she's taking her medication.

I think you should keep your nose out.

Bizarre not bazar

Your sister is clearly in crisis and you appear to me making this all about you, Op.

Sorry, SIL

As someone with bipolar disorder that's very well-managed, I'm used to the arseholes of the world calling us all sorts of shit mainly based on people they know who they've self diagnosed based on inaccurate stereotypes that usually resemble other mental illnesses/personality disorders much better than bipolar.

Honestly this is what we have to deal with every day of our lives on top of managing a debilitating illness, and I hope the OP's SIL gets the help and support she needs, she sounds like she's doing a lot better than some people in the US where they have this life-threatening illness and can't afford the medication they need.

I'd rather have bipolar than zero empathy as displayed by quite a few of the PPs.

Yeah I know, I do get this. I think my frustration comes from the fact that I have reached out and most of the time it goes with out reply, but this is to her siblings too. I feel bad that she feels she cant communicate with us. One of my best friends has BPD and though she can have similar behavior's, she is able to communicate her feelings and lives a relatively normal life. I just so worried she is going to keep this cycle up in future but this time with a baby involved.

I forgot to mention my best friend with BPD lives in the UK.

OP, kindly meant but you have listed multiple instances of her unreliability and need to upstage people possibly due to her MH.

In your place I would cease wasting money booking anything involving the family.

Visit them independently.

You mean well but you are bringing huge stress upon yourself.

I feel very sorry for your in laws, she must be a huge source of stress and worry, and now a baby.

Step away from it and visit when you can.

This is my point. Many people with bipolar live very healthy and stable lives. Its really detrimental to say that the way my SIL lives is a classic BPD life and everyone behaves the same.

She has bipolar. That's for her whole life. You can't take a pill to make it go away.

If you could be a little less self interested you'll understand that her issues go way beyond upsetting you.

Not all people with bipolar are the same as each other. And I'm afraid that some of them DO destroy the lives of those around them. And it's okay to describe those people as a car crash as far as those who love them are concerned.

I have great sympathy for those with.mental health conditions. But let's not pretend that some of them cause great problems for others, consistently and over a long period of time. It sucks for the sufferers, and for their families.

@saraclara OP is not someone 'suffering' from the effects of having a seriously ill relative. They're moaning about being upstaged.

They do. But OP is also concerned for the wider family who are being emotionally and financially hit hard by this.

She herself is about to lose £7000 on air fares, as well as the much looked forward to company of the family (including SIL) at Christmas. I think it's perfectly understandable to be frustrated and upset about that.

It's never ok to describe a human with an illness as a "car crash". It doesn't help them or the people they're living with or around to consign them to a rubbish heap because they haven't found a medication regime that helps them yet.

People with bipolar have a life expectancy of 67. It used to be 55. The medications are toxic and it's a lifelong game of jumping between them so you only get a bit of kidney failure and a bit of liver failure and a bit of permanent tremors between managing the episodes with varying degrees of success.

People sack them off because they can't cope with vomiting blood every day or with being unable to physically move out of bed or all their skin peeling off (look up the "Lamictal rash" if you don't believe me). And that's if you can access help in the first place which is extremely difficult in the US if you have an illness that stops you earning enough money to manage your illness. It's also difficult in the UK due to waiting lists, not being believed when you go to them with early signs until you're in a full blown episode etc

It's not the sufferer's fault medical technology hasn't caught up with mental health very well yet. No one wants to live like this.

And OP BPD is borderline personality disorder, BD is bipolar disorder.

I understand @saraclara. Bipolar is a crippling illness that cripples and destroys the lives of many that it touches. Just because it is invisible doesn't mean it isnt there. If that were what this thread were about I'd understand.

However the OP's main focus is was 'poor me' and far more 'why can't she pull herself out of it' than actually seeking to help.

I honestly feel like sometimes she uses it as an excuse. Smoking weed and other inebriants while pregnant? BPD! stealing money from your relatives? BPD! cutting people off family who express concern and want to help? BPD! I understand that her life is incredibly difficult compared to mine, but every time we call family for a catch up its something else. I feel like BPD is one thing, being a person who can happily take is another. I have had depression on and off for most of my life. I never expected people around me to excuse my shitty behavior's when I was depressed. I was able to communicate that I was aware I was in a state of depression and people were able to give me allowances for this, They knew I wasn't constantly in a state of depression.