Re sister’s requests

[SugarOverload]

My sister and I both have 2 year olds. Born a couple of months apart. I also have an older girl (7).

I was suppose to have my niece last week for the day so my sister could pick up an extra shift. She tells me money is tight right now. In my view she is a bit of a helicopter parent, but each to their own, and she made some requests.

That I take my niece to another room for a nappy change to provide privacy, my DH work from home and there’s a chance he could walk through for a coffee for example. She also doesn’t want her changed in front on 7 year old. Whether I agree or not, it’s not a hassle so I said fine. Future note for further in the post, this would of course involve me leaving my son for a few minutes in a very baby proofed living room.

She said my niece struggles with food more than my 2 year old so can I cot up food smaller than I usually would. Ok, done.

She then calls me the night before asking that I do not leave my niece in the living room at all and that I take her with me wherever I go. I said I’m not doing that, I’ll have 3 children with me and I’ll need to get on with other things. At most it’ll be a few minutes, for a wee, make a snack, put a few clothes away, etc, and my stairs are in my living room so I can hear them well. There are stair gates in front of the kitchen and stairs, no breakables in reach, no small toys or ornaments, all furniture is bolted to the wall.

I also pointed out she expects me to leave my son in the same living room to change her daughter in privacy. She said it’s not the same because I’m happy to leave him for a couple minutes. She also asked if DH could stop work to watch my niece for a couple of minutes if I need a wee, etc. I said no.

Whether I think it’s safe of not AIBU to think she shouldn’t make requests that involve me doing something with my child that she’s not happy with for hers.

Similar thing have happened before, when they were first born she stayed overnight with me while our partners worked away. She slept on the other side of the bed (DH’s side, sheets changed!) and put up a travel cot. There’s a wardrobe that side with a couple bits on the top. She was worried they’d jump off and fall in the cot so, although they weren’t near the edge, I made sure everything was pushed back. The cot wasn’t even up against the wardrobe, and even in the impossible event something did fall, it wouldn’t have landed in the cot. I put it down to being a first time mum and thought nothing much more, until she said ‘well if you feel it’s safe can we swap and your baby go hear instead. I said no, mainly because of all the moving of cots last thing at night (because she also didn’t think my cot was safe, so we would of had to move cots about not just swap the babies).

Although both babies were perfectly safe, it hurt that she felt happy to put my baby in a situation she didn’t think was safe to ensure her own was ok.

I think its very unreasonable to not want baby changed in front of husband and tbh I'd decline to babysit if this was asked.

I voted YABU just because I too had really bad anxiety (I had PND and don’t know if this was a cause or symptom).

It was awful but your job as a parent is to keep your baby safe/alive and it’s such a massive responsibility.
I couldn’t even sleep properly for years because I was so anxious.

If this was my sister I’d personally want her to get some extra money and would do as she asks.
She’s given a lot of requests but I don’t think they’re unreasonable (apart from the nappy).

I would never leave someone else’s child unattended if I could help it and if DH is WFH then there’s no reason to.
I would do the nappy changing in another room to please her as you obviously don’t mind your own children being left alone.

I assume she is a single parent and this is her first baby and she is struggling.
Because of this I would do as she asks to help her out with the hope that she’ll start relaxing a bit more soon and I’d try and encourage her to see the gp.

@Curtains70 curious as to why you think the nappy changing in private is a very unreasonable request?

@SayHi She is not a single parent. DH has calls and video meetings throughout the day, I think that is a completely unreasonable ask when it’s not his child. She also has help from other family and nursery and has chosen to put her daughter in an extra nursery day and not work so she can have a day to herself. I’m not judging that but it’s a luxury if money is tight.

What about when I’m cooking? Do I trap my niece in the kitchen with me while the other two play in the living room, or have all 3 of them in the kitchen running about with a hot cooker?

I think it's the reasoning behind it maybe? I would feel offended on my husbands behalf.

It's also just alien to me, I come from an old fashioned family were there are lots of children around and everybody gets involved with nappies etc. It's wouldn't occur to me that a baby needed privacy from their baby cousin or uncle to have their nappy changed.

To be honest I'd either do one of two things:

A) Nod along and say yes to her requests and just don't follow the silly ones. How will she know if her 2 year old was alone while you had a wee?

B) Tell her that she either trusts you to look after her child or she doesn't and that I don't need a list of requests. If she's not happy she can go elsewhere.

Re the nappy changing, of course you give a child privacy, but it's totally possible to discreetly change a baby's nappy in a room where other children are playing. The dh possibly walking through the room on his way to the kitchen to get a coffee doesn't compromise the discretion that the OP would have and doesn't put the niece at risk. Insisting OP goes to a different room because there's a chance her dh might walk through his own living room at the same time is insulting. It implies she thinks her child is in danger from him.

Is it a reciprocal arrangement? I can’t see that your sister has your kids at any time.
I would also be annoyed about the nursery day to give her a day to herself. Subsidised by family members providing free childcare. Doesn’t seem fair to me.

And it's cheeky as fuck to say dh cannot be trusted to walk through a room where a nappy is being changed, but can interrupt his work day to mind her child while the OP is out of the room.
She want's everything her own way, but the OP isn't her nanny and is doing her a favour!

This is very true.

@Curtains70 I suppose we don't know the OP's sister or what her experiences have been. I was sexually abused by my childminders boyfriend when I was a small child and now I have a child myself I'm navigating what I'm happy with others doing to eliminate risk as far as possible, without offending or making others uncomfortable, without disclosing the history and without passing any anxieties onto my child. I certainly don't think every person is an abuser, but you don't know which ones are, so sometimes it might feel safer to ask for levels of privacy if you aren't around. It's tricky!

In addition I work in safeguarding children

PFB syndrome. She will look back in time and be embarrassed by how she acted.

The choices are a) she trusts you to provide free childcare b) she hires professionals who can meet her list of demands.

The choice really is up to her, and you need to tell her so, calmly and plainly.

I would tell her that you're providing 1:3 care, not 1:1 care, and therefore you need the flexibility to balance the needs and safety of all 3 children as best you can. This means that compromises need to be made. All three children are equally important, although of course the older child will have fewer immediate needs that you have to meet.

For example, I would not be changing your niece away from your son, given they're both tiny. They would be changed in the same room where I could keep an eye on both. Her child's right to privacy (from another 2yo) does not trump the safety of your child and she is unreasonable to expect this.

Yes that's true, parents need to be comfortable with the person they're leaving their children with. They can request whatever rules they want as long as they're comfortable with a potential babysitter declining to care for their children as they themselves aren't comfortable with the requests.

I am sorry for what you went through and can totally see why you maybe would have different views than me on what is reasonable.

TBH it's sad that she feels so anxious, must be making parenting feel hard work - I know it is, but the extra anxiety will no doubt make it harder.

Reminds me of my sister in law, was and tbh still is, a very anxious parent. I remember once having my eldest niece for the day (same age as my eldest) and the list of do's and don'ts was huge! I went with it of course, but internally laughed as not only was I a mum myself, but a qualified nursery nurse - so I had a good idea of what I was doing!

The children are now young adults, sister in law and I laugh about it now

I had a similar thing with my cousin growing up, we were similar ages although I was just a bit older. My aunt used to worry about her cycling over to me in the dark but would expect me to do it! Lots of other things too, made me feel that she didn’t care what happened to me.

So no I don’t think you’re AIBU. But I do think you could have years of similar behaviour.

If she wants free childcare from you, then she has to accept that you won't do everything the way that she does. Her child does not come first, they all are equal in priority in terms of safety and safeguarding, and after that, only reasonable requests will be accommodated.

Changing the child where no one else can walk in? hard no. It's a baby and you have a house with other children in it and a husband who presumably does his fair share of baby changing. if he wouldn't be allowed to change any baby's nappy as needed in the house, then sister's baby doesn't receive childcare in your home, end of.

Your sister sounds like she needs some counselling about her anxiety, tbh. But you juggling everything to a ridiculous degree to accommodate her anxiety at the expense of the smooth running of your own household and being around your own children and husband when you want/need to isn't a reasonable request.

Nod, agree, Ignore her Batshit requests

OP this is absolute not about her judging you as a Mother.... she's seriously got some issues going on.

Your poor niece is going to grow up a nervous wreck.

Has your sister always been like this or is it after she had her daughter?

What does your Mother think of the situation?

Your sister’s demands are totally unreasonable and irrational and I think she needs therapy.

I suspect that when her daughter goes to grandparents, the grandparents nod and smile and say “Yes, of course” and then ignore your sister’s weird demands as soon as they’ve waved her off and shut the door.

This is such a ridiculous list of requests that there has to be either anxiety, PND or a massive backstory regarding your sister's past. You don't have to indulge her daft requests but I would look out for anything worsening. You might be in a good position to support her.

I’m also curious that she thinks your DH is a potential danger when walking past while you change a toddler’s nappy, but also that he should stop work and supervise said child alone whenever you need to leave the room. What does she think is actually going to happen to her child if your DH walks through to get a cuppa while she’s being changed? Does she think he’s going to take covert photos and whack ‘em up on the Dark Web or something? Or that he might secretly molest her using solely the power of thought?

She clearly has quite extreme anxiety and I imagine these requests are the tip of the iceberg. It's not about her thinking you are a bad parent it's about her anxiety controlling so many aspects of her life that she can't relax unless these perceived risks have been mitigated. Make what accommodations you feel are reasonable and decline any that aren't. If she can't go to work because of it maybe that will force her to face up to her problem.