I hate myself

[pointlesswithyou]

I am a professional 30 year old. Most of my job is helping people with their addiction issues, especially drug issues.

I spend most of my weekends taking cocaine and drinking myself into oblivion. I have fun and I enjoy what I do. I feel awful on a Sunday but by Monday I am back to it.

Tonight I was at a bar with three male friends, then went back to their house. They have been making fun of me since then, unable to understand why I don't want another line etc.

I just hate myself so much on nights like this. My friends tell me I'm fine as I do well in my job.

But it's 4.03, I feel like absolutely shit and I wonder, am I normal to feel like this?

do you think you have a problem?

It's okay OP. You will be okay. Right now it just feels a lot worse than it is.
I dabbled with drugs when I was younger so I understand the self loathing.

Just get through the comedown/hangover now and you will make a plan for after. Try not to catastrophise (how to spell?) everything as it's so easy to do at the moment.
Can you put a soothing music on and try to relax to get some sleep?

You can stop these nights, there is help out there you can reach out to. Could you afford private counselling?

Sometimes. I know that I have issues in regard to addictions but it doesn't seem to impact my life too much. I'm able to carry strong friendships/relationships etc

I'm at my friends tonight,

No can't afford counselling

I always felt shitty when I did drugs like this. When it dominates your weekends and all you do is work and party. I just didn’t enjoy it and it started to feel really empty. I stopped doing coke for that reason, I particularly hate not being able to sleep.

I think there’s no harm if you enjoy it and you can do it without any detriment to your life. But I think doing drugs every weekend is too much. It’s such a waste of money and it takes your time and energy away from other things you could be doing.

Oh pal I'm sorry to read this.

Now isn't the time to get deep or heavy, now it time to start hoping it all wears off so you can sleep, but you definitely need a plan of sorts to try and get this binging under control x

My mother and brother both worked with addicts and never admitted their own problems with drugs, alcohol and gambling. Also, most of the extremely dysfunctional people I know are counselors or psychologists of some kind. There is a saying, “Physician heal thyself…” which is a great way of explaining why people are attracted to sorting out other people’s problems before admitting their own.
You know you need to get your shit together and get new friends. You know you will soon realise that drugs were the focal point of those relationships and that is all you have in common. Start to address the issues that are keeping you stuck in a lifestyle you don’t respect.

If you can afford alcohol and coke you can afford counselling

So you counsel addicts but do it yourself and have the money for that

The dreaded comedown. Right now OP you need to look after yourself and try not to think past the next few hours.
You're full of dread and anxiety.
Remind yourself this state of mind will start to lift shortly.
Hydrate, wrap yourself up in the quietest spot you can find and put a meditation app on or a talking book. Anything gentle.
You need distraction.
When I was in your position in another lifetime, the thing that worked for me was to get completely out of that friendship group and never be around coke or heavy drinkers.
It takes nights like this right out of the equation.
Otherwise it's so easy to forget how awful you felt and repeat it next week.
I haven't touched drugs it in 20+ years but I remember the vicious circle so well.

The next thing you need to consider is how much money you have been “budgeting” for drugs and see how far that could go towards counselling. That and join NA.

So you're in the professional Field of addiction, have a drug and alcohol problem yourself, and are asking if it's normal to hate yourself for "drinking yourself into oblivion".... Id worry you aren't equipped to be practicing in your field.

Self persecution is a common thing with stimulant abuse and it shows the gear is now affecting you mentally as your probably aware this doesn't happen at the start of using but builds overtime next phase could be psychosis. I'm ex amphetamine user 20+yr. Stimulants can really fuck you up mentally.

OP - you help support people with addictions. If a friend came to you asking the same thing as yourself what would you advise them?

If you stay up all night evey weekend and don't sleep of course you'll feel like shit. That's all it is. I think this a major fomo induced behaviour- you think you'll be missing out on the after party of you don't stay up and Coke and the chats that come with it help them.

Maybe next couple of weekends see other friends that you don't do that with and do some more wholesome activities, remove yourself from the bar scene or the people's houses where you might be tempted to make that call.

Giving something up is hard unless you're replacing it with something good- can you book an early morning train ticket to the seaside and go swim in the sea? Or ask a friend to try park run with you (or alone!) or a local yoga class or a cooking lesson? As pp have said you can afford this if you Ivan afford the boozing and drugs. Then don't go out late and don't be sad and lonely as you'll have your fun thing to look forward to the next day.
Then compare and contrast how you feel on a Sunday. Summer is a good time to make changes like this.

Or just get pregnant and then you have to immediately stop it all. (Joking. But it works!)

You can also get free counselling via your gp and possibly employer so make that call.

Don't listen to these people they have no idea what they are talking about. Cocaine every weekend is not a problem except for the effect it has on your bank balance. If you don't want to stop doing drugs just drink more water and make sure you get reasonable amounts of sleep, if your working 9-5 it's the sleep deprivation that fucks with your head. Night nurse will knock.you out if you can't get valium or Xanax. Life is difficult especially if you don't have money, and the whole nuclear family thing is bullshit - it's all propaganda and lies. You will always be happier when you aren't living for somebody else. Get in nature, put your feet on grass, swim in the sea, and tell any smug entitled man to fuck off and die

Who in your past undermined you and sabotaged your success? This is what you are doing to yourself. Don't hate yourself! Its really great that you posted. You have insight. These blokes who are laughing at you sound like total dicks not real friends.

The costs (mentally, emotionally, physically) are starting to outweigh the benefits. Happens to most people eventually. Time to stop the drugs op.

Those men are not real friends, please get some help.

It would be CA, but OP probably knows it.

I relocated to the countryside from London to get away from coke 25 years ago. The slower pace of life helped me, but looking back it was really boring. It got me out of the habit though.

Cocaine every weekend is not a problem except for the effect it has on your bank balance

Uh..yeah, right, sure, whatever you say...

You need to change your friends! Or not see them every weekend! Go on Meetup and find a hill walking group and get out of that click you’re in. There’s more to life and England has beautiful countryside side.. go outside and see it.. change what you do.. loads of people want to be friends with you, And if you’re physically tired you won’t have the itch to go out.. take care, you need your health and well-being, same as your clients do..

No can't afford counselling

Of course you can, if you can afford drugs 🤷🏻‍♀️