I hate myself

[pointlesswithyou]

I am a professional 30 year old. Most of my job is helping people with their addiction issues, especially drug issues.

I spend most of my weekends taking cocaine and drinking myself into oblivion. I have fun and I enjoy what I do. I feel awful on a Sunday but by Monday I am back to it.

Tonight I was at a bar with three male friends, then went back to their house. They have been making fun of me since then, unable to understand why I don't want another line etc.

I just hate myself so much on nights like this. My friends tell me I'm fine as I do well in my job.

But it's 4.03, I feel like absolutely shit and I wonder, am I normal to feel like this?

I dread to think what life choices you've made

I did this all through my twenties. It becomes boring and increasingly self destructive and a bit sad as you get older.

I’m in my 40s now and I find people who still get wasted and pull coke-fuelled all nighters pathetic. Is life that empty that you’re still chasing empty highs?

You can stop, OP. You honestly don’t need drugs and booze to have fun. I shudder when I think about going to sleep with the birds tweeting and a racing Coke heart. Urgh. No thanks!

If you feel wretched it's not doing you any good to continue as you are.

If I were you I would

• only meet supportive friends for activities that don't involve drinking or cocaine.
• start writing it all down (there's lots of this online).
• eat well, sleep well and get fresh air, exercise. (All the stuff we should all be doing but find so difficult).

Fixing other people's problems is so much easier than dealing with my own btw.

Good luck!

When it stops being fun it’s time to stop

and yes, you can afford counselling if you stop spending money on drugs and alcohol so don’t kid yourself

Lol… cocaine every weekend will have a detrimental effect on your state of mind and physical and mental wellbeing.

Such a weird sweeping statement to say it’s unequivocally not a problem

Speaking from experience (and not necessarily talking about huge binges – light recreational use can be very insidious in the way the week can seem greyer). The effects of withdrawal and the creep into addiction can be very subtle

OP, your mind is telling you it’s time to stop. You’ve outgrown this chapter of your life. Unsure what a gram costs nowadays but why don’t you use the money you would normally spend on a weekend, on a night in a hotel, give yourself some DIY treatments etc?

At the moment, your addiction is psychological. You can’t stop doing this every weekend because you’re scared of being bored. But trust me, there’s more to life than spending every weekend up talking shit to other gurning loudmouths in someone’s kitchen until 5am.

It will take about 3/4 weeks of behavioural change for you to realise how much you were wasting your life before. I bet you and your current circle actively avoid non drug users because it makes you feel bad about your own choices. Maybe reconnect with mates outside the drug circle. You’ll be kicked out off the drug gang once you’ve made a change so you need to work on getting some new friends.

I could've written this at 30 OP.

At 35, I have 2 beautiful young children and much better friends. I haven't touched drugs since 2019.

I wasn't addicted but it was hard to stop when around the same places and people. So I quit my job, rented out my flat and went travelling for the best part of a year. Cleared my head. Recovered from the shite I was putting up my nose. Met my children's father. Changed my life.

It sounds like you're getting fed up of this chapter. Take it as a sign to move on. You can do it.

OP you need to stop. You’re starting to go down that spiral. Time to find new friends and new ways of having fun. Then put the saved money into counselling.