Birthday party

[Pleasebegentle123]

My DC (5) has a best friend at school. All through reception year they have been inseperable. I thought I got on well with parents, they always come back to ours for food and drink after parties as well as weekend. We've also looked after their child and sibling over night so they can have a night out. Parents evenings have discussed the other child as much as ours they are so close. Their child jokes I'm their second mum.
So you get it, close friend.
But...
Our DC hasn't been invited to their birthday party. There are only a couple going but I just don't get it. The children are so close and I thought we as parents got on.
AIBU to wonder what is going on?
A couple of other parents have questioned this and I'm quite taken aback.
In order not to drip feed parents are separated I get on well with both and have socialised with both. Father has a new girlfriend who is yet to say hello at the school gates despite my efforts, could this be the reason despite us never even talking? Feel so much for my little one who knows she has been excluded.
Please be kind in your replies just wondering if I'm over analysing. Thanks for getting this far.

Which parents is doing the party

Sorry, our DC's best friend's parents. I think it is hosted by the dad but both parents there.

Just to add I completely get that you can't invite every child to every party. I've explained this on other class parties and little one has been very grown up about it. But even the teachers comment on what a grown up friendship they have. Just really surprised.
I've explained again to little one and if she's sad on the day we'll do something awesome so it won't matter but as a grown up I feel I'm missing something

Yeah happened to us. Childs best friend (they are inseparable at school) didn’t invite them to party. Friendships can be pretty fickle at that age to be honest. “You’re not coming to my party” and all that crap still goes on with some kids.

I regret not inviting one little girl to DD’s 5th birthday party this spring (let’s call her Maya). The girls had been pretty close when they attended a sports club together, but ended up in different groups. They’re in the same class at school, though and get on well. I’m quite fond of Maya - she’s a bit mischievous, but really sweet.

DD wanted a soft play party even though we could only afford to invite nine children. I insisted on a few reciprocal invitations, and let DD choose the few remaining invitees. She was very certain of her choices, but two families didn’t RSVP and had to be chased, then one didn’t turn up on the day.

Maya’s mum knew when DD’s birthday was and checked with me if her invitation might have been lost. Awkward, but she took it very well. I still wish we’d invited Maya…

It has been my experience so far that birthday parties, alongside other things like playdates, are often tricky when parents are separated. Things aren't communicated, or they fall between the cracks, or the parent whose weekend it is or who is organising isn't up-to-date on their child's present friendships or other important details. We've had no-shows on both playdates and parties due to this.

In your position, I would encourage your DD to make her friend a birthday card and maybe get her a small present like some homemade cupcakes or something small from the toy shop. And say something like "I'm sure your friend would have loved to have had you at her party, but we can't always invite everybody".

Your post makes it sound as though you socialise with both parents together.

You say you hang out on weekends and after parties? Which parent?

Your post is a little confusing, you write as though they're a couple but they're not even though they'll both b at the party one of them must have arranged it.

If its the Dad who's arranged it then you may well be right, that the gf doesn't like you. It sounds as though you've made efforts to be friends which have been ignored?

As for the poster who said make her a card/cake can't say I'd do that personally. If as an adult we'd be hurt your bestie hasn't invited you as a child you'd b gutted. I obvs wouldn't blame the child but it may be a little passive aggressive.

I think you may b in a lose/lose situation if its the dad throwing the party you cant really say anything to the mum either in case you cause issues between them

I thunk you're close enough to bring it up with the mum tbh.

I wouldn't usually but from what you've said they're your friends too.

I'm actually surprised she has mentioned their reasons to you in advance. I would've done if I was in her shoes.

Hasnt

Maybe that's all it is, and on the day they did the invites their child just wasn't feeling it. I do tend to over analyse.

Ah here! If I was that close to the parents and had babysat both her kids overnight I'd just phone up and ask what the deal was!

Thanks, hadn't thought about it that way, which is why I posted. I think I've done everything I can for my child. We are going out for an awesome day so when the others are all in school talking about it my DC will remember having a fun time too, hopefully.
I already have card and present, just expected to see them. Our 2 are youngest in the year so they've watched everyone else's parties and been conspiring for months about each others. I guess I feel a little let down by no explanation when we socialise so much. Maybe it's just they want their DC to socialise with a wider group of friends.
I feel straight out asking is a little rude too as they have every right to invite who they want

Naddd

Sorry, I guess the situation is a little confusing. Both parents admit they get on much better not being married, they do a lot together with the kids, actually a lovely set up. So we socialise with both together and each parent individually with and without kids. It's more the dad that has been back after parties on his weekends where we've then fed him and the kids etc.
I think the dad is technically organising it but both are involved.
I'm probably massively over thinking it but keep trying to reason in my head. Maybe they want to water down the friendship, maybe there just isn't enough space and they see us a lot, maybe the new girlfriend doesn't like me jokingly being called their second mum, maybe she thinks that's her now. (I don't encourage this but the parents have said they love that the child has another adult they feel comfortable enough with which to me is lovely) Maybe they plain don't like me - and that's the one that worries me the most because I don't want me to impact on my child's happiness.
Not much I can do but good to get it off my chest and get some other views.

Thank you, I do think this is what has surprised me, that they've said nothing. I make it sound like the two are joined at the hip, they do both have other friends but still always gravitate to each other and always want to do things together.
When we were leaving school on Friday lots of parents were saying see you tomorrow and were equally surprised we weren't invited, my dc was in tears on the way home which obviously won't help me being impartial.
I was worried saying something might come across as aggressive and then they'd invite because they felt they had to....

I feel rude doing that as they probably have their reasons. Little one did say can we just go to the same place I did debate it but major passive aggressive!

Op if you're close enough to be having birthday child and sibling overnight and so on then you're close enough to bring up the party. All you need to say is, "Dd was very disappointed not being invited to X's party as they are so close. Is there a reason why?" Mum or dad will have to answer if you are direct. Easy.

BBq1
And that would absolutely be the sensible grown up thing to do!
I am a worrier and have always been filled with self doubt. I was worried incase it might damage the relationship further but I suppose if it does it might be one not worth having? Thank you

As they/you all are so close, could it be that it's just automatically assumed your daughter will be there, no invitation needed?

I would definitely just ask . Children do have feelings and maybe a simple explanation will help .

This is why - and I’m not saying everybody should or can - I always did class parties, so that no child was left out, but equally I always taught my kids that they shouldn’t expect to be invited to everything.

I would definitely call or text the dad and ask. Is there any chance the invitation has got lost, or has it been made clear your dd isn't invited?

It's not like it's just a random kid in the class, it's her closest friend!

I think I'd have to ask in these circumstances. I would if it was my child's best friend, especially if I socialised with the parents as well.

Is the party today??
Call up and double check there hasn't been a misunderstanding.
Yes it's awkward. But if there has been a mix up and your daughter should be there she and her friend are going to be really disappointed .
If she really wasn't invited, ok well you'll definitely know.

But you'll be kicking yourself if you didn't double check and your daughter missed out unnecessarily

Even if they did invite her because they felt they had to - your daughter doesn't have to know

I'd say there's been a mix up and they'll be mortified if your daughter doesn't go and they realize what happened when it's too late to fix

If she def isn't invited, don't look after their kids again/feed the dad.

If your daughter was invited, they surely would have made it clear? They've made invites clear to the other children, why are you left so unsure? Either phone the mother and ask or do as i would, not bother. There's that saying- not invited, don't ask. Shows you have boundaries and respect for yourself and your daughter.

I wouldn't be given a gift either. That's too nice.

It'll all be over in a couple of hours, but you'll be feeling sad for your child. The kids are close, as well as the parents spending time with you. Its mind boggling how some people operate.

Have a great day with your daughter, spoil her and talk about how she would like to plan her party. When she goes back to school, she won't care about the party that has passed but the party she is now planning :-)