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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday party

40 replies

Pleasebegentle123 · 14/07/2023 23:34

My DC (5) has a best friend at school. All through reception year they have been inseperable. I thought I got on well with parents, they always come back to ours for food and drink after parties as well as weekend. We've also looked after their child and sibling over night so they can have a night out. Parents evenings have discussed the other child as much as ours they are so close. Their child jokes I'm their second mum.
So you get it, close friend.
But...
Our DC hasn't been invited to their birthday party. There are only a couple going but I just don't get it. The children are so close and I thought we as parents got on.
AIBU to wonder what is going on?
A couple of other parents have questioned this and I'm quite taken aback.
In order not to drip feed parents are separated I get on well with both and have socialised with both. Father has a new girlfriend who is yet to say hello at the school gates despite my efforts, could this be the reason despite us never even talking? Feel so much for my little one who knows she has been excluded.
Please be kind in your replies just wondering if I'm over analysing. Thanks for getting this far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasebegentle123 · 15/07/2023 14:18

mimi14 · 15/07/2023 10:57

As they/you all are so close, could it be that it's just automatically assumed your daughter will be there, no invitation needed?

But how would we know where/ when it was. I have a rough idea from the other mums going but they have clearly felt really awkward when realising we weren't going. The children are obviously talking about it in class so DC knows where they are going buy you wouldn't rely on a nearly 6 year old to pass on all details would you?

OP posts:
mosiacmaker · 15/07/2023 14:27

Just ask! Who cares if it’s a bit rude, they were rude first by excluding your lovely daughter.

Whataretheodds · 15/07/2023 14:33

Even if they decided not to invite her it's just weird as hell not to give you the heads up. The kids were never going to keep it a secret.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/07/2023 14:35

In most circumstances I wouldnt ever ask but where there you're friends to the point where you have her overnight then you should have a relationship that's honest and with a degree of trust at least

I'd just say that you hope the party went / goes well and although its clearly up to them who they invite, if this happens again then could they give you the heads up and so you could prepare your daughter a bit so she wouldnt get so upset since they spend so much time together normally. I'd also just check if everything is ok between the girls, has there been a falling out or something between them that you're not aware of recently? As you've heard them talking about inviting each other to parties a lot in the past. And see what she says. If she isnt honest (eg 'oh I thought youd be busy') then I'd not be doing any more favours for the parents

Original poster
Pleasebegentle123 · 15/07/2023 14:36

finewelshcheese · 15/07/2023 11:19

I would definitely call or text the dad and ask. Is there any chance the invitation has got lost, or has it been made clear your dd isn't invited?

It's not like it's just a random kid in the class, it's her closest friend!

I did wonder this but we've talked several times since I heard about it and would have imagined something would have been said

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/07/2023 14:41

I'd also still get the child a little gift if your daughter is definitely still friends with her. As sounds like it's the parents decision and not the girls.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/07/2023 14:42

It might be something like they were worried that their daughter would only play with yours and ignore her other guests

Original poster
Pleasebegentle123 · 15/07/2023 14:43

Positive41 · 15/07/2023 11:42

If she def isn't invited, don't look after their kids again/feed the dad.

If your daughter was invited, they surely would have made it clear? They've made invites clear to the other children, why are you left so unsure? Either phone the mother and ask or do as i would, not bother. There's that saying- not invited, don't ask. Shows you have boundaries and respect for yourself and your daughter.

I wouldn't be given a gift either. That's too nice.

It'll all be over in a couple of hours, but you'll be feeling sad for your child. The kids are close, as well as the parents spending time with you. Its mind boggling how some people operate.

Have a great day with your daughter, spoil her and talk about how she would like to plan her party. When she goes back to school, she won't care about the party that has passed but the party she is now planning :-)

I think this is what has surprised me over it. How they've come to the decision but not said a word.
I think it's quite obvious DC hasn't been invited, and I would never expect anything but feel so sad for them. Taken them out for an awesome day instead to the zoo and they are having fun.
Great idea about starting to plan their party

OP posts:
iwasthewalrus · 15/07/2023 15:11

I’d message the parents something like ‘Hi, hope Friend had a lovely birthday. Just checking everything is ok between friend and DD? I thought they were close but as she didn’t choose DD for her party I wanted to see if there’s something wrong. I’d appreciate knowing if something’s happened as DD hasn’t mentioned anything to me. Thanks.’

AmberTart · 15/07/2023 15:34

I would definitely ask and the fact that you have provided childcare and entertainment to their child means that she really isn't invited I would question your friendship with them and whether they are actually just users. If the girls have fallen out then you should be aware of that as well so I can't see what harm it would do to ask at all

Original poster
Pleasebegentle123 · 15/07/2023 20:16

Thank you everyone. Just wanted to see it from others perspective and that it wasn't me being sensitive.

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 15/07/2023 20:22

Do they return the favour with sleepovers, feeding you and your children? I’m just wondering if they are happy to use you for childcare and food and it’s a one-way arrangement

Newmum110 · 15/07/2023 20:41

I would definitely be pulling back on this "friendship" your poor little girl & I understand why you were hurt too.

Scuttlingherbert · 15/07/2023 20:54

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/07/2023 14:35

In most circumstances I wouldnt ever ask but where there you're friends to the point where you have her overnight then you should have a relationship that's honest and with a degree of trust at least

I'd just say that you hope the party went / goes well and although its clearly up to them who they invite, if this happens again then could they give you the heads up and so you could prepare your daughter a bit so she wouldnt get so upset since they spend so much time together normally. I'd also just check if everything is ok between the girls, has there been a falling out or something between them that you're not aware of recently? As you've heard them talking about inviting each other to parties a lot in the past. And see what she says. If she isnt honest (eg 'oh I thought youd be busy') then I'd not be doing any more favours for the parents

I think this message is really good.

Naddd · 21/07/2023 05:45

Scuttlingherbert · 15/07/2023 20:54

I think this message is really good.

Show quote history

Nah i wouldn't be asking the parents anything.

I wouldn't be doing any favours or sleepovers or anything again either. They are perfectly aware of how close the girls are and all the op does for them yet still deliberately chose to exclude a 6 year old!

They knew op would be upset and more importantly the 6 year old. If there'd been an innocent explanation they'd have spoken to the op already.

I think its disgusting when people are happy for you to go out of your way for them and then not bother when it suits them

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