Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of my friend's complaints that she can't buy a house?

68 replies

loonyloo · 14/07/2023 21:09

I feel like a complete bitch for even thinking this and I know I am probably BU, but my patience with a friend is really wearing thin.

She is saving to buy a house and is apparently far from achieving her goal and won't stop complaining about it. I get that the property market is ridiculous (I bought my own first home two years ago last month), but I'm sick to death of listening to her whinge.

It's got to the point where I dread meeting her as almost the whole conversation will revolve around this. it is becoming her whole personality. I don't want to lose the friendship as she is a decent person but she has got very tunnel visioned. If anyone has any advice on how to divert the conversation when she brings it up, I'd be grateful.

But I also think I'm being unreasonable because I feel like she can well afford one if she just cuts back a bit. I know I sound like I am being a bit "avocado toast" about this. She and her husband have been living with her parents for 6 years now. They contribute to bills but pay no rent. She keeps complaining about other people having help from the bank of mum and dad but doesn't seem to think they are getting help. I don't understand how they haven't got their 10% together yet.

She goes on holiday 3/4 times a year. She goes to about 5 or 6 gigs a year that are around €100 for tickets, with hotel stays on top of that.

She keeps saying that the bank won't lend her enough because of their rules on salary multipliers. She says the minimum price is €250k, as if cheaper options don't exist (they do). When another friend tried to help by sending her links to cheaper houses so that she wouldn't lose hope she said she wants to move straight into her forever home and those places aren't good enough. She doesn't want to have to move house again as she is too old (38).

She's been asking me how much my friends and relatives earn as "they all have lovely houses and bought them when they were much younger" - these people all settled into jobs in their early 20s and didn't go back to uni and keep quitting jobs to go travelling like she did. I travelled, I did postgrad study too and ended up buying a place a lot later than other people but I know that my own choices led to that and I wouldn't swap my experiences for anything. I know I would have a nicer place or have a mortgage nearly paid off by now. She just seems to be jealous that others have what she doesn't.

I understand that people want to love the place they buy but I feel like if she just got the head down and saved a bit harder and went for a lower budget loan she'd have a chance of getting somewhere nice. It's the complaining that is getting to me though, if she didn't moan so much I'd probably still think it was weird she hadn't got somewhere after 6 years of living with her parents but I wouldn't be so irritated by the whole thing.

YABU = you're being judgemental, the property market is crazy and your friend deserves sympathy
YANBU = I'd be fed up too

OP posts:
Original poster
loonyloo · 14/07/2023 21:11

Sorry that turned out to be much longer than intended, I met her for lunch today and so my complaining about her complaining turned into a total rant 😫

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 14/07/2023 21:26

How much is she saving a month? Have you asked? I feel like I would have by now due to how much she's been going on about it. Taking 6 years to save while living rent free is insane. It took my DH and me around 2 years to save our deposit while living rent free. We were both on very low salaries in entry level positions for the first year. She needs to accept her life choices have led her to this situation, unlike a lot of less fortunate people that don't have the option to live rent free and save.

Dacadactyl · 14/07/2023 21:28

YANBU and she sounds like she lives in cloud cuckoo land. She would drive me mad. She has no excuse for not having a house imo.

Id tell her not to talk about it again and if she did then I'd back off from her for a bit.

LolaSmiles · 14/07/2023 21:29

It doesn't seem like she's realising that she's having access to the bank of mum and dad in a different way. She should be saving the money she would have spent on rent for a deposit, but it sounds like she's using it as extra spending money for her lifestyle choices.

In your situation I'd struggle to bite my tongue if she kept complaining,but I might ask if she's looking for advice or to offload and if it's just to offload again without any practical changes then I'd try to move the conversation on.

Original poster
loonyloo · 14/07/2023 21:36

@Curseofthenation I don't know how much she saves a month or has saved. I asked her once a few years back how much she had left to go (with the intention of saying well if you saved X in this amount of time, you only have Y amount of time before you hit your target) and she dodged the question. I think that's what wound me up about her asking me about random friends and relatives' salaries (which I don't know, and wouldn't tell her about if I did).

OP posts:
Gateappreciation · 14/07/2023 21:37

Maybe he proactive and sit down with a budget planner. Work out much deposit she needs, how long she wants to save up, and her income and expenditure etc. maybe if she sees it all written down, she will be less inclined to fritter money away.

With two incomes ,and minimal expenditure, they should have easily saved a lot of money.

£250 per month each ( £500) over six years comes to £36000.

Original poster
loonyloo · 14/07/2023 21:44

@Gateappreciation I've tried stuff like that before, not sitting down with her and going through her finances directly but sending her mortgage calculator links and affordability calculators and it just made her even more negative. It's like she's got into a mindset of thinking she'll never afford it and nothing will convince her otherwise.

@Curseofthenation agree it's insane they haven't got enough money together after 6 years rent free. I just cannot get my head around it

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 14/07/2023 21:46

She is complaining because she's being unrealistic. Very few people get their forever home straight away. Most of us have to buy what we can afford at that moment in time.

DrManhattan · 14/07/2023 21:48

Tell her you will meet up once she's bought a house

Original poster
loonyloo · 14/07/2023 21:57

DrManhattan · 14/07/2023 21:48

Tell her you will meet up once she's bought a house

😂😂😂I'm great company if I may say so myself but not that much of an incentive

OP posts:
Gateappreciation · 14/07/2023 21:59

Maybe call her bluff then, and if she starts saying that she’ll never be able to afford her house, then be direct and change the subject.
’Well, in that case, if you can’t afford a house, let’s talk about something else/the weather/…
etc…’

BLT24 · 14/07/2023 22:14

I’d just keep changing the subject hopefully she’ll get the hint. Or I’d be direct and ask if she thinks it will actually happen and what is her plan to actually make it happen?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2023 22:20

Yanbu. Who ever moves into their forever home first? Even if your first home is a nice house, in 10 years with some equity built up most people are tempted to in size/upgrade! They can get a flat first - if they'd done this they could have benefited from any increase in value over recent years (might not have been much thoigh). Or a small house and do an extension later. Yup she's a bore.

5foot5 · 14/07/2023 22:23

She and her husband have been living with her parents for 6 years now. They contribute to bills but pay no rent.

I was edging towards YABU until I saw this.

My DD(27) is single but has just bought her first flat. She lived with us since graduating and she did pay rent. Admittedly not as much as a commercial rent but she paid her way. In five years she managed to save over £40k and she is not on an especially high salary. She just set herself a spending budget and stuck to it.

If two people, both earning and living rent free for six years, can't save enough for a deposit then I don't think they are trying very hard.

ReachForTheMars · 14/07/2023 22:23

I'd have to have a passive dig and suggest future meet ups should be something free so that she can save. On repeat.

LilyLemonade · 14/07/2023 22:25

Just tell her directly you sympathise but need to press pause on this topic of conversation for a while as there are other things in life!

WhiteFire · 14/07/2023 22:25

"Forever home" is a load of old rot. You have no concept when you move into a house what the future holds. My first house on paper could be a forever home, I never truly liked it, I tried for 16 years!

When people talk of a forever home, they generally mean very big and financially stretched, she is realistically chasing an impossible dream as a single first time buyer in the current market.

She won't be told though by the sound of it.

LakeTiticaca · 14/07/2023 22:47

The question was answered in the OP , 3/4 Holidays and several gigs a year. She needs to stop bloody whinging and cut her cloth.
And you need to tell her,OP

k1233 · 14/07/2023 22:49

Or alternatively make it uncomfortable. Press the how much have you saved angle. It's been 6 years, at 1k per month, given you're living rent free at the moment, you should have about 72k saved by now. If you don't how are you going to afford the mortgage? If she mentions going on holidays, oh, that's going to delay the house then isn't it. Aren't you worried your parents will get sick of you being at their place for this long rent free?

Make any house discussion uncomfortable and she'll probably stop mentioning it to you.

friendlycat · 14/07/2023 22:50

Forever houses are those spouted by Kirsty and Phil. In the real world if people are lucky they get themselves on the property ladder and go from there, accepting that it’s a hard thing to do in today’s climate.

But you’ve obviously pointed out starter homes that are just being disregarded and it’s her choice to live with parents.

At some level this is her choice if she can actually get on the ladder of buying a home but wants to leapfrog into buying the forever home of her imagination.

I know several people who worked in ski resorts and summer resorts for nearly twenty years and whilst they had great fun their choices now are greatly reduced. That’s life. Perhaps you need to be brutally honest when she brings it up again.

Beesandhoney123 · 14/07/2023 22:57

She is lucky the parents don't mind them living with them am. Does she and her dh buy food, do the shopping, do housework, clean the loos, clean out the fridge, contribute to bills? Her dh doesn't seen to mind either, living with inlaws.

She doesn't want to buy a house. Next time point this out, and say stop talking about it as clearly its just words - either poo or get off the pot.

Don't bother helping by sending house details, or sitting down with a budget. Waste of time. Don't sit having lunch, play tennis or swim or museum or something, so you are busy. Or invite her mum along too:)

Toohotforchips · 14/07/2023 23:03

Tell her you're fed up of hearing about it. Be honest. Nicely. She'll be pissing other people off too, no doubt. I'd appreciate the honesty in the long run. Let the friendship drift if she's arsey about it. Enjoy your own home.

stayathomer · 14/07/2023 23:09

Sorry but there’s certain things that if someone has and others do, then if you’re a friend you suck up thoughts such as these. Yes you can say ‘is there anywhere else you can save’ while thinking hint hint hint(!) but you can’t be mad at her for having to live with wading through mud to get to what you and others have already

Neodymium · 14/07/2023 23:20

I’d say she hasn’t saved anything. And the reason she is asking about other people salaries is because then she can justify to herself why she hasn’t saved anything as they must have bigger salaries.

I have friends who had the option to buy, they had a deposit and 2 high incomes but rent was cheaper and they like eating out 3-4 nights a week and spending whatever they like. Including the concerts ect, and just thought it didn’t matter and they could buy whenever. Now the property market has taken off, cost of living has gone up, rent has gone up, and they have spent their deposit. No idea on what. they talk about how hard it is for them to buy now being priced out the market.

WarmButteryCrumpets · 14/07/2023 23:37

I would have to be petty... every time she mentions a holiday or gig, say "Oh, I thought you were saving for a house!"

It might help the penny to drop!