To be fed up of my friend's complaints that she can't buy a house?

[loonyloo]

I feel like a complete bitch for even thinking this and I know I am probably BU, but my patience with a friend is really wearing thin.

She is saving to buy a house and is apparently far from achieving her goal and won't stop complaining about it. I get that the property market is ridiculous (I bought my own first home two years ago last month), but I'm sick to death of listening to her whinge.

It's got to the point where I dread meeting her as almost the whole conversation will revolve around this. it is becoming her whole personality. I don't want to lose the friendship as she is a decent person but she has got very tunnel visioned. If anyone has any advice on how to divert the conversation when she brings it up, I'd be grateful.

But I also think I'm being unreasonable because I feel like she can well afford one if she just cuts back a bit. I know I sound like I am being a bit "avocado toast" about this. She and her husband have been living with her parents for 6 years now. They contribute to bills but pay no rent. She keeps complaining about other people having help from the bank of mum and dad but doesn't seem to think they are getting help. I don't understand how they haven't got their 10% together yet.

She goes on holiday 3/4 times a year. She goes to about 5 or 6 gigs a year that are around €100 for tickets, with hotel stays on top of that.

She keeps saying that the bank won't lend her enough because of their rules on salary multipliers. She says the minimum price is €250k, as if cheaper options don't exist (they do). When another friend tried to help by sending her links to cheaper houses so that she wouldn't lose hope she said she wants to move straight into her forever home and those places aren't good enough. She doesn't want to have to move house again as she is too old (38).

She's been asking me how much my friends and relatives earn as "they all have lovely houses and bought them when they were much younger" - these people all settled into jobs in their early 20s and didn't go back to uni and keep quitting jobs to go travelling like she did. I travelled, I did postgrad study too and ended up buying a place a lot later than other people but I know that my own choices led to that and I wouldn't swap my experiences for anything. I know I would have a nicer place or have a mortgage nearly paid off by now. She just seems to be jealous that others have what she doesn't.

I understand that people want to love the place they buy but I feel like if she just got the head down and saved a bit harder and went for a lower budget loan she'd have a chance of getting somewhere nice. It's the complaining that is getting to me though, if she didn't moan so much I'd probably still think it was weird she hadn't got somewhere after 6 years of living with her parents but I wouldn't be so irritated by the whole thing.

YABU = you're being judgemental, the property market is crazy and your friend deserves sympathy
YANBU = I'd be fed up too

Next time she mentions the bank of mum & dad, rave enthusiastically about how lucky she's been to have had that available to her. You might need to initially spell it out to her using sock puppets, but housing costs most people a fortune, so if their parents can help them out big-time by either giving them money towards housing or just giving them free housing, they are indeed the lucky ones.

Similarly, when she asks about how much other people earn, just stress that they can only manage it by foregoing luxuries like multiple holidays, gigs, accommodation and things like that.

She'd still be annoying if she kept going on about it non-stop if she genuinely couldn't manage it; but it's entirely within her own (and her BF's) hands. Far from feeling sorry for herself, she's actually being horribly insulting to everybody who does have to do it under their own steam, without a massive handout from their parents.

She's either thick, ultra entitled or in denial, but I'd just come out straight with it: if you have plenty of money available but choose to prioritise spending it on holidays, events and travel instead of housing - and even then expect to be able to magically leap 1, 2 or 3 steps on the housing ladder, there's really no hope for you.

Incidentally, are her parents putting pressure on them to move out or are they completely happy to house them FOC indefinitely? If the latter, that may actually be what's contributing to her refusal to help herself; but even so, when plenty of folk have to live in grotty little rented bedsits in very rough areas, she can't really think she has it bad with her current accommodation?

Is she an only child? If so, without wanting to be blunt, she might find that, before too many years have passed, her parents' house becomes hers anyway. Or if she has siblings, she'll still have a huge deposit for her own house - as long as she doesn't decide to blow that on luxuries like she does with most of her monthly money now.

It's the easiest thing in the world to look at what other people earn, but then deliberately ignore all the work, sacrifices and difficult choices they've had to make in order to end up with something nice that they've managed to buy with it.

Unless they're a premiership footballer or massive popstar, that is - which the vast, vast majority of them won't be.

Going against the tide I think YABU. She sounds scared and anxious that she's suddenly realised in recent years that she hasn't made the soundest financial decisions in her early life. TBH you come across as smug that you got your house sorted and did the "right" things and she didn't.
The property market is terrible right now and it's horrible and depressing and stressful as all hell to have your entire life on hold and all future plans scuppered because you can't buy a house. At 38 she probably wants somewhere she'll stay a long time in because she's probably planning children and time is running out.
If you're really a good friend, and if she's usually a good friend too, be there for her instead of bitching about her behind her back from your position of privilege. Have some empathy.

Going against the tide I think YABU. She sounds scared and anxious that she's suddenly realised in recent years that she hasn't made the soundest financial decisions in her early life. TBH you come across as smug that you got your house sorted and did the "right" things and she didn't.

She's 38, though - not a 20yo who has just seen a few foolish, reckless late teenage years. How can she possibly not have realised in all this time that you need to earn/save money if you want to buy expensive things? And even then, to be expecting to walk straight into a forever home and not a FTB home, like almost everybody else.

She should have learned well over 30 years ago that you can't just continue indefinitely to say what you would like and expect mummy and daddy to hand over the pennies so that you can have it.

She’s probably actually hoping to inherit her parents house. Droning on about never being able to afford buying a house is just something to make conversation. Tell her it’s a boring conversation after this many years. I bet it will feel great to say it. Worst case: you don’t have to listen to it anymore because she avoids you…best case: you don’t have to listen to it anymore because she finds something else to shite on about. Either way is kind of a decent result, based on how spending time with her makes you feel at this stage. Good luck 🍀

Oh god, I had a friend like this. She lived with family for several years to save up. I read between the lines over the course of many conversations about it and realised she had over £70k in savings. She was also due an inheritance from the sale of the house of an estranged family member who moved into care, which she couldn’t wait to get hold of. She would moan and moan about how hard done by she was, how she would never be able to afford a house and how everyone was apparently in a better position than her - including me. It seemed to consume her. One day I asked her what was stopping her from buying when she had so much saved up, and she said that she didn’t want a mortgage (!) as she doesn’t believe in debt. It all made sense then. I got fed up of the tunnel vision, jealousy and spite, so don’t speak to her anymore. YANBU.

YANBU

Urghhhh she sounds like a relative of mine. Totally financially irresponsible, 3 foreign holidays per year that they can't afford, credit card debt because they must have the latest fashion etc. Always moans to me about how "lucky you are" that we own our own home (we have a mortgage!). Errr, no, we're not lucky, we worked hard, saved hard bought during property peaks, and took responsibility for our finances. Didn't waste money on clothes and cocktails and 3 holidays per year, and when I say holidays, she was going to the other side of the world twice per year then a 'local' European holiday for the third. Anyway, I digress. Husband and I were sick of her moaning, she would ask us for financial advice, we'd give it, even sent her links for affordable houses...then the cheeky fucker asked us "why don't you two just buy me a house?" No, fuck off.

Really hate people like this.

I would be blunt and next time she moans about not being able to afford a house I would point out most of us have done it by making sacrifices. So no expensive holidays, gigs or meals out. She isn't paying rent so should have saved thousands. If she hasn't then she probably cannot afford a mortgage. As for forever home give me strength. Point out if she is hanging out for that she really will be waiting forever and are her parents happy for her to be living rent free at the age of 38 with them? Most of us start off by making compromises. If she spent her 20s travelling then she has already left it late to buy and her mortgage will be more expensive as the repayment period will be shorter.

If she still doesn't get it I would stop seeing her and suggest she saves towards her deposit instead. Life is too short for this.

Just think how pissed off her parents must be if if i's her sole topic of conversation with them.

I feel your pain. I have a colleague like this, they are everywhere unfortunately.

Well if the two of them can't save enough while living rent free then they won't be able to pay a mortgage either, especially with rising interest rates. It costs more to own, because on top of the mortgage payments you have to pay for all of the maintenance, Council tax and other bills.

Next time she whinges, just ask her how she thinks she'll manage paying a mortgage if she doesn't manage to set that amount of money aside into savings.

If nothing else she might choose to stop whinging to you because your response makes her uncomfortable.

I don't think you can do anything to "steer" the conversation. It's obviously a topic she's obsessed with - and that's only part of the problem! Your friend clearly isn't interested in finding realistic solutions, all she wants to do is moan and have people feel sorry for her as if she's the victim of the century. She's ridiculous to be honest, if she was my friend I'd just stop contact as I wouldn't want spending my time with this type of person.

I feel your pain, I have this friend and she has been dramatically downgraded to an acquaintance.

Everyone else 'has' stuff or 'gets' stuff. She talks constantly about what others don't do or give her. She's always out, away at weekends.

She lives rent free in her friend's house in the most affluent part of the city. This has gone on for three years. She talks about how unfortunate this situation is for her despite saying how great the friend is to live with. Her mother's house is also available to her if this arrangement ever changes.

It is horrible to have all your efforts, sacrifices and hard work constantly dismissed.

Just tell her your bored to sobs with her endless whining when she's robbing the bank of mum and dad and living the high life!

If she flounces what's the loss?

I had this a little while ago. A friend owned a perfectly nice and big enough flat but became obsessed in lockdown with getting house. She got a decent inheritance so decided sell her flat and buy a house at the peak of the market for houses when values of flats were dropping.

Every conversation was about how hard it was, how gutted she was to not be making any money on the flat, how unreasonal her buyer and vendors were.

I would just mutter pleasantries and move the conversation on. Mainly to avoid shouting "FFS you did this to yourself, stop bloody moaning".

I’d be annoyed too. Forever home is a bizarre concept to me anyway-just buy what you can afford and what suits you at that time. She is getting help from parents by living there rent free, I can’t believe it’s taken 6 years and she’s tolerated living with them for that long! I guess you either don’t see her, or have a firm talk that she needs to be saving more or buy a cheaper property and accept they’ll move at some point (as everyone does).

I don't understand how she/they haven't saved a 10% deposit after living with parents rent free for six years

"They go on holiday 3,4,5 times a year and go to lots of concerts"

She sounds like another who wants it all and wants it NOW without putting in any of the necessary effort, and I wouldn't be too pleased if I was the parents forgoing rent and watching them spend lavishly on non-essentials

However that's their choice, but it doesn't mean you have to listen to the endless "poor me" and personallyy I'd just change the subject

I know a couple of people like this. One only wanted to buy in the fashionable part of London she was renting in. She could’ve afforded to buy in a cheaper area but was quite snobby and looked down on the more down at heel area I bought my little 1 bed flat in. Many years later, she’s still renting, my area’s gentrified and I’ve upgraded to a house. She’s told me I was ‘lucky’ compared to her.

Another one saved up the equivalent of a deposit and decided to use it to go travelling. She’s jealous of others who have houses but doesn’t seem to connect the dots that those people didn’t go travelling with deposit money.

A third saved ££££ years ago but was scared of getting a mortgage as she didn’t want the debt. Now house prices have outpaced her deposit.

Many people can’t afford houses because they are simply just too expensive and they will never be able to save the money no matter how hard they try. But some people just make poor decisions and refuse to admit this choosing to be jealous of others or make excuses instead.

Just be honest. Say look friend, I get that it’s tough to get on the housing ladder but me listening to you rant about it isn’t helping you to get closer to realising your goal. As your friend I want to help.

Let’s sit down together and make a plan such that in a year or two you will be in your own home. If she deflects, just say, I’ve offered my help but if you don’t want to take it up, I don’t have the energy to discuss it.

I didn't buy till I was 40, but totally understood that not buying younger meant I was not in the same place as my peers in terms of housing. Thems the breaks. I saved £1k a month while paying £1k a month rent, and got there eventually. And yes it was a flat, as that's what I could afford. Agree if she's not paying rent then she really should have a lot put away by now. I'd be asking some pointed questions. And tbh if she blows up at you it doesn't sound like a great loss.

When the topic comes up, listen, validate her feelings (even if she could do x y z how she’s feels is still valid) and just redirect to something else.

Try some revenge whinging.

"Omg your so lucky to have parents that let you live with them ans don't charge rent! 6 years if saving £1000 a month means you've saved yourself £72,000!!! You must have a huge deposit saved by now?!?!"

3 or 4 holidays a year mean she is probably spending most of the money saved on rent. Remind her that most people forgo holidays to save a deposit.

She sounds a total bore op. Move onto other friends. You've tried to help and she's not interested. Nothing else you can do

Try some revenge whinging
"Omg your so lucky to have parents that let you live with them ans don't charge rent! 6 years if saving £1000 a month means you've saved yourself £72,000!!! You must have a huge deposit saved by now?!?!"

Though I like this, it depends how much OP wants to keep the friendship

Unless she's completely stupid she must know that her own choices are standing in the way of saving a deposit and I doubt she'll appreciate being reminded ... after all it's so much easier to claim the more prudent been "lucky"