To be upset at my mother changing her mind

[TuckingFypos]

To give some background, my mother was a single parent to me and we struggled financially as I was growing up - she has never been used to having money, so she’s very good at saving / making what she has go as far as it can.

I inherited her thriftiness to an extent, but have never been well-off myself. I’m early 40s and in a long term relationship - we’ve always rented in the South East and have spent the last 12 years saving whatever we can for a house deposit, but still have nowhere near enough to buy, particularly at our age and in the area we live and work.

Mum came into a considerable amount of money a year ago. She very generously offered to gift us a lump sum to add to our deposit, which for the first time gave us a real opportunity to buy a house. We discussed it over a few weeks, as I wanted to make sure she was happy to gift the money - I couldn’t take it from her if she had any reservations, or if she thought she might need it in future. She was insistent that we use the money as, in her words, ‘it’s going to be yours in the end anyway’. She said what she had left would be more than enough to carry her through retirement.

We’ve spent the last year watching the market, getting mortgage in principles, having viewings. With house prices and interest rates rocketing, we decided to cool it for a while - even though the market is as it is, we still thought we could wait until 2024 / 2025 when house prices have fallen.

In the last few weeks, Mum’s now decided that she won’t have enough for her retirement and that she feels uncomfortable giving us the money because she doesn’t know if she’ll need it or not, with the economy being as it is and prices shooting up all over the place.

I know it’s her money, her security and her retirement and I have no right to be upset, but after a wonderful year of opportunities opening, I feel utterly deflated. I’m a very pragmatic person and don’t generally get caught up in dreams, but we’ve been so excited about potentially owning our own house, how we’ll decorate it, having a driveway, having a garden etc etc. I know this was the only chance we’ll get, as we won’t have the opportunity to have that much capital again.

AIBU? I think I am, it feels like I'm being a spoiled child. It also feels like I've had the dream of 15 years dangled like a carrot and then snatched away 😟

How much was she offering to give?
I think it's understandable as the cost of living has risen for everyone and if she has no income she's on a hiding to nothing.

Could she offer a smaller amt?

It's unfortunate. I don't think it's anyone's fault and it's ok to feel disappointed and upset.

This might be a spicy take and I may look very foolish in a year or two but I don't think house prices will have a dramatic fall so I would say if you have the chance to buy, grab it. Let's see if I end up eating my words!

I can understand how disappointed you are but I can also see this from your mum's point of view. If she is renting then she will need that money during her retirement to help pay her bills.

I understand your disappointment. Your dreams have been snatched away but you will get your house at some point . It's a shame she didn't work her finances before making you the offer .

I suppose coming into money as a person with none must’ve felt like winning the lottery to her. They always say don’t make big plans immediately, wait a while. Your dithering/extended planning has forced her to do that and sadly for you reality has struck and caution is now the order of her day. Bad luck, it must be intensely disappointing but you already said you didn’t want her to do it if she had doubts. If you are an only child you do stand a chance of ending up with it one day but honestly having a healthy and loving mother is much better than having an inheritance. Try to focus on that.

i understand how upset you are but prices really have rocketed. My mum's care home fees have gone up twice since Christmas. She is scared of being a burden to you later in life.

Could you ask her if she would consider a loan that you would repay over time or keep in the house on the understanding she can move in with you if she needs to, or you will downsize and return the money to her if she needs it for care later in life.

You could help her take a proper look at her finances, but not in a pushy way that tries to squeeze her costs so you get what you want. It's not her fault the CoL is sky high. You will benefit from falling house prices.

This is one of those awful situations where you feel sorry for everyone and nobody is really in the wrong.

There's no getting away from the fact that the economic outlook has changed, and I can understand your mum worrying more about her financial future. If her investments and pension have not performed well, then of course she will be worried and more cautious.

But you are allowed to be bitterly disappointed and sad that your hopes were raised.

Aw I can totally understand your disappointment AND your Mum's valid concerns.

What an absolute bummer.

Could you get s smaller property without her input? You talk of gardens and drives, they are more pricey than flats or terraced houses.

Our 2 bed terraced in Hampshire is currently valued at around 220k, could you afford that? Whereabouts are you looking?

I do think that in your 40s you should be independent and not relying on your mother for handouts. She has to live her life.

I wouldn't have started to look for houses until the money had been given!

Im in a very similar position! My mum told me she was going to sell her house to move in with her fiancé and she wanted yo give me my nest egg early to put down deposit and now has decided he will move into the house with her. Its annoying because you wouldn't expect anything, but when someone offers so adamantly to help you out in a huge way and then changes their mind, it is really upsetting. I haven't mentioned this to my mother, im just taking what ever she says with a pinch of salt.

As you get older you start to worry about cost of retirement.

How did you get the Mortgage In Principal without proof of at least some deposit?

That's a shame. I can see both sides and I think she is probably being wise given the way things have being going. I can see why you are really disappointed though. Don't give up. Look at other options and schemes etc.

It’s literally in the op that she has a deposit. Her mother was adding to it. Plus unless things have changed in the last 4 years since I had one, I didn’t need proof of a deposit, just earnings

If she doesn't have a mortgage and isn't paying rent, surely she is benefiting from the higher interest rates at the moment?

Can she loan it to you instead?

Thanks everyone, it was less of an AIBU (I know I am and totally understand my mother’s decision), but it was more to vent and get some validation that the disappointment I’m feeling is normal!

@stayclosetoyourself She’s withdrawing the entire amount, and hasn’t offered a smaller one. I certainly don’t want to make her worry more about money than she already is, so I’m not asking for a different amount.

@fluffiphlox I have been 100% independent since the age of 18. I have relied on no-one for handouts, but was given a kind offer from a relative that would hugely benefit me. Appreciate the advice though, thanks 😂

@Champgal yes absolutely, I think I'm just disappointed that she didn't think it through before offering it to me

@CatStankShame I have a deposit. Just not a very big one. Lenders don’t ask for proof until application stage anyway.

@wutheringkites She's paying rent, she doesn't own a house. But all bills are covered by pensions and she has various investments. But I totally understand why she's nervous. Everything's in turmoil.

Your disappointment is normal, absolutely.

I don't think you are wrong to feel disappointed and rather hurt. Yes things have changed in the wider financial world but your mother really ought to have considered all circumstances before offering to help and getting your hopes up. We had similar happen to us (bought independently in the end) and it was crushingly disappointing, especially as we were left to believe it would happen for a year. I know people have a right to change their minds, but something as big as a house purchase isn't something to make offers of help about unless you are really sure. Nothing you can do OP but you have my sympathies.

If she rents then I can understand why she's worried.

I understand your disappointment too op.

For what it's worth, we moved to a different city to buy and it was the best decision we ever made.

Is there the possibility of buying together a house with a granny annexe?

This is a very good point, thank you. I guess when you suddenly get a lot of money, you want to share with nearest and dearest (and yes, I'm an only child). It was less dithering on my part, but the market forcing me to wait.

Reflecting on all the answers, I know it's for the best. If she'd have needed the money and it was tied up in equity, that would have been far worse.

When I bought my first house it didn't have a driveway or a garden. Maybe lower your expectations and try to find a house you can afford within your own means.