To be upset at my mother changing her mind

[TuckingFypos]

To give some background, my mother was a single parent to me and we struggled financially as I was growing up - she has never been used to having money, so she’s very good at saving / making what she has go as far as it can.

I inherited her thriftiness to an extent, but have never been well-off myself. I’m early 40s and in a long term relationship - we’ve always rented in the South East and have spent the last 12 years saving whatever we can for a house deposit, but still have nowhere near enough to buy, particularly at our age and in the area we live and work.

Mum came into a considerable amount of money a year ago. She very generously offered to gift us a lump sum to add to our deposit, which for the first time gave us a real opportunity to buy a house. We discussed it over a few weeks, as I wanted to make sure she was happy to gift the money - I couldn’t take it from her if she had any reservations, or if she thought she might need it in future. She was insistent that we use the money as, in her words, ‘it’s going to be yours in the end anyway’. She said what she had left would be more than enough to carry her through retirement.

We’ve spent the last year watching the market, getting mortgage in principles, having viewings. With house prices and interest rates rocketing, we decided to cool it for a while - even though the market is as it is, we still thought we could wait until 2024 / 2025 when house prices have fallen.

In the last few weeks, Mum’s now decided that she won’t have enough for her retirement and that she feels uncomfortable giving us the money because she doesn’t know if she’ll need it or not, with the economy being as it is and prices shooting up all over the place.

I know it’s her money, her security and her retirement and I have no right to be upset, but after a wonderful year of opportunities opening, I feel utterly deflated. I’m a very pragmatic person and don’t generally get caught up in dreams, but we’ve been so excited about potentially owning our own house, how we’ll decorate it, having a driveway, having a garden etc etc. I know this was the only chance we’ll get, as we won’t have the opportunity to have that much capital again.

AIBU? I think I am, it feels like I'm being a spoiled child. It also feels like I've had the dream of 15 years dangled like a carrot and then snatched away 😟

Could you buy together?

Well i think its rotten of her.
I'm sorry op.

I think she's being a bit shortsighted because you could end up moving quite a distance away in order to buy and that isn't going to be to her advantage as she gets older. I can understand that she got overexcited and thought she could dole money out right left and centre, but it was very unfair of her to mention that to you until she was absolutely certain about it. On the other hand if she had given it and later said she regretted it, you would feel really awful.

I think the very definite offer followed by the very definite withdrawal of the offer doesn’t put her in a good light but as you know, there’s nothing you can do about it.
It would have better if she’d just given you a smaller lump sum in the first place.

No, you’re not being unreasonable. Although she never owed it to you , she offered you and convinced you she had enough for her future. To do a complete 180 is a kick in the teeth for you . Not much you can do . Life is full of ups and downs unfortunately.

You must be so disappointed

I'm sort of on the other side of the discussion. dh and I are retired and had for many years discussed how we could support our dc DURING their lives rather than just leaving them money at the end. After a couple of years of living on our (healthy) retirement income we decided we had enough to maximise the allowable tax-efficient financial gifts (£3k per year each). We know how much difference this would have made to our lives during the difficult and financially stretching years of child raising.

We made a commitment to our dc to do this for 5 years.

Of course we have now been hit with CoL increases and a potential 22% increase in our council tax next year. A holiday we'd booked for next year has increased by £700 each and we've decided to cancel it. Potential house alterations that would give us downstairs accommodation suitable for the very, very long term have risen in price beyond anything that is even possible to consider. And my dh's parents have both moved into a care home (funded through all their life-time savings and the sale of their house). It is eye-wateringly expensive, and we know that there will be no possibility of an inheritance.

In all honesty, if we'd had a crystal ball and known all of this we probably wouldn't have made the commitment that we did. But we did. And we will honour it. We know that our dc are hit more acutely by the CoL increases than we are.

It's a real shame, but why didn't she give you the money straight away rather than leaving you dangling for a year - do you think she ever really intended to give it to you?

I agree that neither is wrong here. I can understand you are very disappointed, but can also see your mum's point of view as none of us really know what is going to happen economically. I never expect anything until it actually happens - lessens the disappointment somewhat.

I hope she’s pretty sympathetic to your disappointment.

The situation has changed, a lot has happened in the past year to make people fearful of their financial circumstances. You decided that it was not a good idea to buy a house right now because of the economy. She has also decided that with all costs rising maybe she cannot afford this gift she intended anymore too. I think it is valid to feel upset because you had already budgeted this in your mind but at the end of the day it was not given a year ago and used for the purpose intended at that time.