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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Losing my maternal friends

46 replies

Champgal · 14/07/2023 14:42

I decided a long time ago that I don’t want kids. I’m 31 now, married, and myself and my partner STILL don’t want a baby despite the fact everyone loves to tell me ‘you will change your mind’. Of course I have friends that feel very differently and are starting to fall pregnant or have children. Honestly though I find the entire thing quite boring and although I’m happy for them and am prepared to listen, naturally it seems to dominate the conversation every time we socialise and I’m starting to feel I have less and less in common with them. The fact that I still go out for drinks, enjoy shopping and travelling lots are now made out like silly immature traits and comments like ‘your going away again? It must be nice! I would love to have the time!’ Or ‘do people our age still go out to bars? I would rather be sleeping!’ I’m thirty one not seventy. Am I unreasonable for wanting to distance myself from them?

OP posts:
Tooyoungtofeelthisold · 14/07/2023 14:54

Not unreasonable at all, if your lives are going in separate directions and you don't enjoy them or their company then there's not much point is there?

Some people I know have completely different lives to me, and we seem to bond over that, almost like a "So tell me, what's it like having slept" haha or "Tell me, all about x/y/z that you did without a baby strapped to you! ....tell me about x/y/z that my life doesn't entail.

I think it comes down to an appreciation of eachothers lives and choices, if your friends can't provide that to you, then that's kind of sad and you deserve better.

PerspiringElizabeth · 14/07/2023 14:56

Bit sad that you can’t all see past your family/household lives. I have all sorts of friends, 20 years older and younger than me, kids, no kids, grown kids, all sorts of incomes. Loads to talk about!

Tooyoungtofeelthisold · 14/07/2023 15:01

I was actually discussing this with my nurse a few weeks ago, and she said that a lot of people didn't understand her choice to be childless, naturally mums don't understand.

I actually disagree with that statement- and it makes me sad that you've also experienced this.

As a mum, who has missed out on a lot of life, whilst I was trying to straighten out life for myself and my eldest, I completely appreciate what your decision is.

I think that having the self understanding of what you want, VS what society assumes you as a female wants is an absolute boss move, and I would wholeheartedly be so proud of you, if you were my friend for going out and carving out the life for yourself that you want. We all make our own choices, but everyone's choice is to be celebrated.

I would want to know all about your shopping, travelling, ability to drink without the fear of the hangover and dealing with babies the next day.

I hope you find friends who are supportive of your life journey.

Original poster
Champgal · 14/07/2023 15:05

I don’t think it’s for seeing past the differences, it’s more of a broken record situation where the entire conversation has to be baby’s, breast feeding, the latest baby gadgets and everything else that can be possibly squeezed from the topic. I feel more and more I am meeting them on their terms, to talk about their topics of conversation on their time schedule.

OP posts:
Original poster
Champgal · 14/07/2023 15:12

you sound like an awesome friend

OP posts:
PerspiringElizabeth · 14/07/2023 16:08

Champgal · 14/07/2023 15:05

I don’t think it’s for seeing past the differences, it’s more of a broken record situation where the entire conversation has to be baby’s, breast feeding, the latest baby gadgets and everything else that can be possibly squeezed from the topic. I feel more and more I am meeting them on their terms, to talk about their topics of conversation on their time schedule.

Yeah I mean that is very tiresome. You need better friends 😄 honestly I’ve been in that engulfing newborn/toddler phase 3x but never once lost sight that my childfree friends had their own lives and would probably like to chat about that rather than the baby.

PerspiringElizabeth · 14/07/2023 16:08

In fact I barely talk about my kids to any of my friends, parents or not. Yawn!

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 16/07/2023 19:37

You don’t have to be at the same place in life to be friends, I’ve got a whole bunch of friends, male and female, older than me, younger than me, married, single, kids, child free, grown kids, grandparents, doesn’t matter. I have more in common with all of them, them our differences, and we lobe each other regardless. Sounds like you need to broaden your horizon in your friendship group, and make new friends. You don’t need to lose the old ones in the process

Ifyouarehappyandyouknowit123 · 16/07/2023 19:41

I am 31 and do have two children. However, I have loads of friends who do not have/do not want children. Maybe try a new hobby to meet others with similar interests.
I do live abroad and it is more common for 31 year olds to not have children, so I do feel like the odd one out!

storminamooncup · 16/07/2023 19:42

Why are you on mumsnet if you aren't a mum nor want to be a mum? Kind of contradicting yourself, no?

Fleur405 · 16/07/2023 19:46

So I had no kids until my late 30s. I used to HATE when people made comments along the lines of “going out for brunch/for cocktails/on holiday” you’re so lucky. Ummmm no we made different life choices! I now do have small kids but hope to never be so patronising and rude to other people! So yeah you just need different friends (who may or may not be parents)

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/07/2023 19:51

If you can grit your teeth and white knuckle it through this tedious stage, they will come out the other side in a few years. It is hard to explain how consuming these baby issues are when you are adapting to them - I look back now any wonder how I could have been genuinely interested in high chairs and sleep regressions. It's a bit like remembering conversations you had while drunk and cringing.

Do make other children friends because they will be more available to do fun stuff, but don't disengage with your old friends, even if they are temporarily dickheads.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/07/2023 19:53

Child free not children!

LoobyDop · 16/07/2023 19:54

@Champgal if you ask MNHQ to move your thread to the childfree board you can cut down on the number of tedious posts like the one from @storminamooncup.

JorisBonson · 16/07/2023 19:57

LoobyDop · 16/07/2023 19:54

@Champgal if you ask MNHQ to move your thread to the childfree board you can cut down on the number of tedious posts like the one from @storminamooncup.

Also, BINGO.

Yes OP, join us on the childfree board. Plenty of folk discussing similar things.

blackpear · 16/07/2023 20:31

storminamooncup · 16/07/2023 19:42

Why are you on mumsnet if you aren't a mum nor want to be a mum? Kind of contradicting yourself, no?

No. Mumsnet is about so much more than just kids, as a cursory glance at the talk topics will tell anyone.

storminamooncup · 16/07/2023 20:33

and yet, there's images and mentions of children everywhere.....

blackpear · 16/07/2023 20:41

There are also plenty of other things.

Samlewis96 · 16/07/2023 20:44

PerspiringElizabeth · 14/07/2023 16:08

In fact I barely talk about my kids to any of my friends, parents or not. Yawn!

This!!! Probably why I never really had " mummy" friends. Although I've since made friends with people out socially and realised with had kids same age ( not littlies)

user123212 · 16/07/2023 21:04

Its not (meant to be) patronising when someone fantasises about having a holiday. It is expression of their true feelings. Do you want them to avoid talking about what they are really thinking /feeling in front of you? Becoming a parent is all-consuming. Every cell of your body and brain has been re-wired. Yes it's prob boring for you, so it's natural to find new friends. People grow together and apart naturally. But you might be able to re connect with them a few years down the line when it isn't as intense.

user123212 · 16/07/2023 21:12

storminamooncup · 16/07/2023 20:33

and yet, there's images and mentions of children everywhere.....

I'm also surprised/impressed by the number of childless/free posters. I wouldn't have even thought about being on mumsnet if it wasn't for kiddo. I mean, sure, why not, but still surprised!

Hazelnuttella · 16/07/2023 21:15

I was very tedious I’m sure when my DS was born, it just takes over your life and I had nothing else to say because I didn’t do anything else except wrangle a baby all day.

Hopefully they’ll come out of the baby haze and resume being normal people again. If you’re good friends I would try to put up with this phase.

JorisBonson · 16/07/2023 21:16

user123212 · 16/07/2023 21:12

I'm also surprised/impressed by the number of childless/free posters. I wouldn't have even thought about being on mumsnet if it wasn't for kiddo. I mean, sure, why not, but still surprised!

Show quote history

There's a whole childfree forum on this site.

Harry12345 · 16/07/2023 22:33

Tooyoungtofeelthisold · 14/07/2023 15:01

I was actually discussing this with my nurse a few weeks ago, and she said that a lot of people didn't understand her choice to be childless, naturally mums don't understand.

I actually disagree with that statement- and it makes me sad that you've also experienced this.

As a mum, who has missed out on a lot of life, whilst I was trying to straighten out life for myself and my eldest, I completely appreciate what your decision is.

I think that having the self understanding of what you want, VS what society assumes you as a female wants is an absolute boss move, and I would wholeheartedly be so proud of you, if you were my friend for going out and carving out the life for yourself that you want. We all make our own choices, but everyone's choice is to be celebrated.

I would want to know all about your shopping, travelling, ability to drink without the fear of the hangover and dealing with babies the next day.

I hope you find friends who are supportive of your life journey.

This!!

Johnnybegood2 · 17/07/2023 09:35

I think it's easy to lose yourself when you have a child. Particularly in those early months where lack of sleep really adles your brain.

I'd think they'd eventually get back to more generic non-child related conversation eventually.

Personally, I love my kids but when I'm away from them and meet up with others, especially ones without children, I keep child talk to a minimum. I want to hear all about what they've been up to so I can live vicariously through them 🤣

Why would I want to chat about something I sit around all day lol It's as bad as people who only talk about work - boring!