Losing my maternal friends

[Champgal]

I decided a long time ago that I don’t want kids. I’m 31 now, married, and myself and my partner STILL don’t want a baby despite the fact everyone loves to tell me ‘you will change your mind’. Of course I have friends that feel very differently and are starting to fall pregnant or have children. Honestly though I find the entire thing quite boring and although I’m happy for them and am prepared to listen, naturally it seems to dominate the conversation every time we socialise and I’m starting to feel I have less and less in common with them. The fact that I still go out for drinks, enjoy shopping and travelling lots are now made out like silly immature traits and comments like ‘your going away again? It must be nice! I would love to have the time!’ Or ‘do people our age still go out to bars? I would rather be sleeping!’ I’m thirty one not seventy. Am I unreasonable for wanting to distance myself from them?

I couldn't spend time with anyone who talks only about babies. It's like someone talking only about their job - their team mates, their manager's management style, the new system they're getting implemented and so on. Just dull and poor manners to think this is appropriate.
That's why I like mums who still maintain a career and interests outside the home - they have more to say. BUT, they are very stretched for time, so horses for courses.

My advice OP this is a season it will pass. The baby bubble is a very intense experience, for some it becomes all consuming. But it’s a short season.

I was at lunch with four friends who i went to uni with & i felt we talked about kids too much in hindsight considering one of my friends doesn’t have kids.

I feel sorry for people who imply that your trips etc are somehow silly or not worthy of discussion as their children are going to grow up & live their own lives. It’s important for them to maintain their friendships.

Why don't you change the topic of conversation? Or invite them out for drinks? The stuff about it being on their terms will be true. I was one of the last of my friends to have a baby and I found it a bit 🙄 always having to work around them, but now I have a newborn I realise that almost everything is on their schedule! They're demanding little things.

Saying that though, I'm meeting a childless friend next week for dinner and drinks where we'll catch up about the big changes in both of our lives. I'm breastfeeding but can express so that my partner can feed the baby. It's not hard to do, it just takes a bit more arranging!

I think when you just have a baby it’s a bit all consuming. You’re shattered, plus there’s not a lot else going on in your life to talk about and you’re completely obsessed with this thing you’ve created as well. But as they age and you go back to work. Or get to do more than just baby stuff your old self comes back more. At least that’s how it has been for me.
I have child free friends as some of my closest friends but appreciate I was probably a bit rubbish when my kids were small.
On the other hand I remember once when our youngest was tiny my husband said to one of our child free couple friends ‘if you don’t want kids what’s the point of being alive?’ I was mortified but maybe that is the feeling of some people.

Love the username, not so much your post.

Yes OP do join us on the Childfree Forum. A welcome awaits.

I find the opposite, as a new mum, I love to talk to other mom's who are going through similar experiences. One of my close friends is childless and I would rather meet other mums with children these days. That may sound very selfish but I think it just depends on your life at the time. The thought of going out for drinks and getting drunk constantly now just doesn't appeal to me as we are at different stages in our lives.
Therefore, I think if you want to distance yourself from them and meet other people with similar interests then not a problem.

I find this really sad.

I have two kids & yes I loved the babygroups etc. but equally I wanted to maintain my existing friendships. Some friendships at least are important relationships surely? Do you not think it’s a bit hurtful that you care for your existing friends so little?

I still maintain the friendship but it's completely natural to distance a bit from each other when your at different stages of life now.

I get it to a point. I’ve made great friends through my older child (younger one born in Covid). But the simple fact is what drew us together is that we happen to have a baby a the same time and while that is an intensely bonding experience in the short term in the longer term it’s the previous friendships which the shared history that I feel have more value. One friend in particular is more like a sister to me.

I had 2 kids by 31, close in age and they probably did dominate my conversation at the time because whilst on may leave my day revolved around them. I still showed an interest in my best friends life and always wanted to hear about new places she was going to, work problems, just in general how her life was. If they aren't showing an interest in your life and you feel the bond just isn't there let it come to a natural conclusion. In the meantime reach out to people you do have more in common with.

Friendships that are based on going out together but not particularly deep feelings can go by the wayside.

Friendships you really care about - see this as if they've moved away for a few years, stick it out and when they come out of the most ok intensive bit (maybe when their youngest is three years or so) then you might get back to a normal relationship.

It's just the way it is. If you're waiting for someone to prioritise you over their child, you'll be waiting a long time.

I think it's really shame your friends are making such unfair comments. You have every right to decide that having children is not the path you want to follow. Oddly I have found this about only having 1 child too as we do, many of my friends are having two and it's amazing the distance it's caused but we found new friends.
Find new friends, live your life

On the other hand I remember once when our youngest was tiny my husband said to one of our child free couple friends ‘if you don’t want kids what’s the point of being alive?’ I was mortified but maybe that is the feeling of some people.

Your DH would very swiftly be an ex-friend, frankly, if he’d said that to me.

@Tooyoungtofeelthisold I love your post- totally agree- will you be my friend? Xx

Oh bore off! Go spout this on the gardening and property threads while you’re at it as well, everyone’s sick to death of this idiotic response.

That's such a shame OP. I'm 41 with 4 children the youngest being 13 weeks. I still love going to a bar with friends and I love to travel. Two of my childhood/best friends are childless by choice and the other two have children also but we all have plenty conversation and good times together albeit not as often as we would like. Try to make a few new friends and maybe spread yourself out a bit more 😃

I have a kid and I don’t want to socialise with people who just talk solely about their kids either, it’s bloody tedious beyond belief. It’s especially the case on nights out, when I just want, for a short period, to forget I’m a parent. Thankfully I’ve got a decent amount of childfree friends who can always be relied on for this - and plenty of likeminded parent friends who don’t let parenthood dominate every conversation.

I have a reverse situation where i have kids and my single friend doesn't and all she wanted to do when we met was talk on and on and on and on about my kids. I mean, I love them, but she was desperate for her own kids and latched on to mine and I just don't want to talk about them ENDLESSLY.

It's a difficult one. You aren't being unreasonable at all to have outgrown friendships, it's entirely natural if you can't find coming ground and if you don't feel heard or seen anymore, and are made to feel frivolous (which you aren't, enjoying holidays and shopping etc doesn't make you so). However, your tone when speaking about your friends is coming off as incredibly judgemental and sanctimonious. You seem to have written them off as 'mums' and nothing more, showing little understanding for the way THEIR lives have also evolved. If you can work past these and connect as people again and not just as 'labels' then the friendships are worth saving, but you are coming across (whether you mean to or not) as if you deem them all as dull and beneath you. Lots that both sides can work on, but then again friendships do take work! Good luck x

Friendships are built on shared experiences - parenthood is a significant - one might say the most significant experience for most people in their lives so it's understandable that your friendships start to realign themselves if you choose to remain childfree and they go on to have children.

It's different having friends who want to have children but not being able to have them for whatever reasons compared to having friends who deliberately choose to remain childfree. I don't have much in coming with them now, that's the hard truth, they can't understand or empathise with my life much the same way as I can't theirs although I remember my life pre kids - they have no concept of a life with kids. Friends for reasons friends for seasons and all that

Bollocks. Of courses Mums are able to understand why some women choose not to have children. Half my closest friends are childless, all for different reasons and I am able be the empathic and understanding why they have made the right choice for them.

I can understand their point of view in the same way they understood that for a few years I would be considerably less available but that’s a phase that will and now has passed.