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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go abroad with my friend?

40 replies

OrchardBlack · 14/07/2023 12:41

Hello legends.

My friend was diagnosed with a non cancerous brain tumour 3 years ago. Since then she's had radiotherapy, strong meds and numerous seizures, some more serious than others and one in the new year was so bad she had to go to ICU. The last one she had was a day before she was due to fly to Mexico and had to be hospitalised. She is insured up to the hilt but if she had had it only 12 hours later she would have had it on the plane and it presumably would have had to be diverted etc, it was a bad one.

Now, I adore this girl and have been right by her side through it all. When she couldn't go to Mexico, I surprised her with a Mexican themed mini party in her living room, I pick up her meds, drive her to shopping/appointments etc, I threw her a birthday party and spoke to all her friends and family to get nice/funny memories of her and read out a poem of them at the party.

I nominated her for an award at work and she was selected, at the awards ceremony she had another seizure and ambulance called. 😔 This was about a month ago. She wanted to continue with the night when ambulance left (refused to go to hospital) but I had a pretty rubbish time as was just constantly on guard and worried.

I have recently separated from my DP and have a weeks annual leave as me and him were meant to go away. My friend has been saying for some months now that she wants to go abroad and has now asked me again to use that week to go abroad.

I've said I would love to but I'm worried about her seizures and that I hope she understands but I wouldn't be able to relax, I said I just needed to be honest with her, and how about we go somewhere in the UK?

She is now annoyed with me, hasn't replied and doesn't seem to see what I'm saying. She says she doesn't want to go in the UK and needs things to look forward to. She went to France with her DP a few weeks back and said she was fine.

I feel awful.

Am I being overzealous?

How can I handle it?

OP posts:
ReaIIyThough · 14/07/2023 13:35

I see both sides to this. She has the right to make her own choices, you have the right to be worried and say you won't settle.

If I'm honest, if it was me I'd go on the holiday. Life is too short for any potential regrets.

kweeble · 14/07/2023 13:46

You have good reason to be concerned and I wouldn’t go abroad with her. Are you constantly doing what she wants as it seems the friendship is off kilter? Most trips are decided by a bit of give and take, I would aim for a more evenly balanced relationship.

Lottaflowers · 14/07/2023 13:51

It sounds awful for your friend and I can see why she'd want to make the most of her life when she can. If I had an illness I'd probably be really sad if my friend said she didn't want to travel with me because of it. But I would also understand their view, however sad it made me. It's not your responsibility to make sure she gets to live life to the full. It's your holiday too so you deserve to relax and enjoy it. You said your friend has been abroad with her DP recently so it's not like she doesn't have anyone else and hasn't been anywhere recently. It's your week of annual leave, you can spend it however you like and don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Even if your friend was perfectly well, but you said you felt like having a weeks holiday on your own, you're perfectly entitled to do that. That's the beauty of being an adult!

ManateeFair · 14/07/2023 14:12

Neither you nor your friend is BU really.

I can see why she's feeling sad that you don't want to go abroad with her, because if people treat her differently because of her condition, it's just another way that her illness is impacting negatively on her life and stopping her from doing nice things. I'd be depressed by that, if I were in her position, and nobody wants to feel like they're not being allowed to make their own choices and manage their own risks.

However, I also think you are totally reasonable to be worried about the risks of travelling overseas with her, and of course if she was to have a seizure abroad, it would be a huge responsibility for you in terms of getting her medical attention, telling her family, making arrangements etc as well as the obvious emotional impact on you. I think your friend is maybe a little bit in denial about how her seizures might affect others, as well as her.

DelurkingLawyer · 14/07/2023 14:19

It’s a tough situation.

I think maybe you were being over zealous at the awards ceremony. There were presumably plenty of other people there to help should she have another seizure, so you didn’t need to take on the burden (much as I understand that’s easy to say and hard to do).

But a holiday with her abroad is a different thing altogether. If something went wrong you would have to deal with it, which would put huge pressure on you and would affect your limited holiday time. It’s not selfish to want to make the most of that time for yourself. I also totally get that you would spend the holiday worrying even if nothing happened. So YANBU.

eyesopenedatlast · 14/07/2023 14:26

Your friend has had numerous seizures, some of which have been really bad. My husband has had seizures including a massive one and luckily I was there when it happened. It was terrifying, I had to move fast to get him into a safe position, check his airways were unblocked whilst simultaneously calling an ambulance. The ambulance crew struggled to stabilise him, it was horrendous. And your friend wants to take the risk of going abroad and of you having to deal with all of that in a language that you may or may not speak- calling an ambulance, going to hospital, dealing with doctors? What a CF she is. It's far too big a responsibility to impose upon a friend. Stay well away from this one OP. Her DH should be with her. I wouldn't want to be alone, abroad, in this scenario and don't fall for her emotional blackmail either.

StellaJohanna · 14/07/2023 14:55

I don't blame you at all - you wouldn't be able to relax for a minute. You've offered to go on holiday in Britain which has fantastic places to go. Let her go abroad with someone else. You sound like you are a lovely friend btw You've done nothing wrong. If she hasn't replied to her messages - don't chase her. She'll be in touch eventually.

Original poster
OrchardBlack · 14/07/2023 19:48

Thanks so much all.

She's finally replied saying she's going to go alone. :(

She's an adult with capacity, albeit definitely seems in detail to me like a PP said, so I guess that's up to her, but I really realty don't want her to.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrchardBlack · 14/07/2023 19:48

Denial, not detail.

OP posts:
Jammything8 · 14/07/2023 19:55

I think you are well within your rights to feel like this OP. Your friend has a partner and has been away perhaps someone else cab go away with her? Either way stick to your guns. Its not nice seeing someone ill your friend isn't in your shoes so her view point will be "she wants to live her best life". Rightly so... but you dont have to go along on a plane with her.

eyesopenedatlast · 14/07/2023 20:42

I hope she's not trying to guilt trip you with this 'I'm going alone' nonsense because that's exactly what it sounds like. I can't believe she would be so reckless or that her family would be OK with it. After my husband's first two seizures, I didn't let him out of my sight for over a year. An untreated seizure could leave her in a very bad place indeed. Your friend has had multiple seizures whilst presumably being on anti seizure meds so the meds are not stopping them and she will undoubtedly have more seizures. I smell emotional manipulation here. Also OP, you have been a wonderful friend to her but you have made a rod for your own back. Look how she treats you when she doesn't get her own way. Quite an entitled and selfish little madam. Don't be the useful idiot in this relationship

knockyknees · 14/07/2023 21:55

I smell emotional manipulation here. Also OP, you have been a wonderful friend to her but you have made a rod for your own back. Look how she treats you when she doesn't get her own way. Quite an entitled and selfish little madam. Don't be the useful idiot in this relationship

I smell the same thing.

It wouldn't actually be a holiday for you, OP. You'd basically be a carer, but paying your own pay and sacrificing your own annual leave and resources to do so.

OP, unless friend is willing to take you along as her official carer, and pay all expenses involved, then it'd be a 'no' from me. And to be honest, even if she did invite you in that role, it'd still be a 'no' for me personally, as the responsibility is too great. It's one thing to deal with a seizure in your own country, where you have access to a familar health care system, family could get there easily if need be, etc. But it's a different kettle of fish in a foreign country.

QueenBitch666 · 15/07/2023 01:51

I'd go but make sure your insurance covers her cancellation due to illness ( and visa versa )

Catsmere · 15/07/2023 02:36

It wouldn't actually be a holiday for you, OP. You'd basically be a carer, but paying your own pay and sacrificing your own annual leave and resources to do so.

Nailed it, @knockyknees . She's using OP as an unpaid carer.

OP, don't let her "I'm going alone" schtick guilt you into going!

Fraaahnces · 15/07/2023 02:38

If I was in the same position as her, I would want to do the same thing. Travel and live as much as possible.
Meanwhile, if I were you, I would also be extremely reluctant to risk going as her companion. The legalities if she were to require medical aid overseas would be very difficult for you to navigate as you are not her partner or relative. Not to mention the language barriers and the stress!

lilymani · 15/07/2023 02:46

If I was going with her I'd need research and a detailed plan in case of seizure in every scenario – on plane, in country (what is that country's emergency number, are they equipped for seizures, what do I say in foreign language when calling the ambulance, etc).

That's too much work for me to prepare and I don't know how I'd ask her to do it instead. And even then, I'd have to memorise & remember all of this various scenario prep info 24/7 (maybe even at night?) on holiday. And that's assuming the info is reliable and up to date - what if it doesn't work out, what is plan B and what is plan C?

And finally if she dies on holiday with me (eg due to poor medical access), would her family be OK with that scenario, and would I be OK with it? (For some people it is a risk they're ok to take)

Catsmere · 15/07/2023 03:07

She needs to hire a nurse to go with her, not impose that job on a friend!

Slimeinthecarpet · 15/07/2023 03:52

It would be a no from me too.

Use your holiday money and annual leave to have your own break somewhere.

You've already been a great friend, op,. Going away with your friend would be incredibly worrying, and terrifying if something happened, which, based on recent experiences, there is a good chance it will.

I don't think I'd even want to go away with her in the UK. Definitely not if I needed the annual leave to relax.

Splishsploshsplash · 15/07/2023 03:54

No good deed goes unpunished!

You have done a huge amount for your friend, but everyone gets to have boundaries and clearly yours is not finding yourself solely responsible for an unwell person overseas.

Now she’s trying to guilt trip you.

Either don’t respond (leave it a few days and then continue on the message trail on an unrelated topic) or respond with “I’m glad you’ve got a way forward, hey should be catch up for coffee on the weekend” or similar.

Stand your ground. She would have much more to lose than you if she decides to carry a grudge.

oldermen · 15/07/2023 04:02

I love my best friend but if she was in this situation I wouldn't go with her.

I know I wouldn't cope well if anything happened to her.

It's a lot of responsibility on you.

Do you have a couple of other friends who could go along too so that the responsibility isn't solely on you?

If not, and your friend is adamant she wants to go on her own, then unfortunately that's her decision!

electriclight · 15/07/2023 04:12

She is someone who is trying to live life to its fullest, despite the seizures, and good luck to her because she sounds impressive to me. But now she has been faced with a situation where her seizures are being identified as a reason why a friend won't go abroad on holiday with her. After a long time of pretending that she can live a 'normal' life she is hurt at this reminder that she can't. I hope she comes around because you sound like a great friend but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Many people wouldn't relax on holiday if they knew they could be facing a medical emergency at any time. Is the 'going by myself then' message genuine or an attempt to manipulate you?

Funkyblues101 · 15/07/2023 04:22

oldermen · 15/07/2023 04:02

I love my best friend but if she was in this situation I wouldn't go with her.

I know I wouldn't cope well if anything happened to her.

It's a lot of responsibility on you.

Do you have a couple of other friends who could go along too so that the responsibility isn't solely on you?

If not, and your friend is adamant she wants to go on her own, then unfortunately that's her decision!

I love my best friends and i know they wouldn't attempt this guilt trip on me. The friend is being very selfish and is forgetting that the world doesn't revolve around her.

Riverlee · 15/07/2023 04:31

I wouldn’t want to go either, if are seizures are severe, recent, and/all unpredictable.

My dp has heart problems and I couldn’t properly relax when abroad recently, even though he’s not had any serious problems for years, and is in medication.

Can she get insurance? I had trouble getting insurance for dp. Recent seizures must make the premiums Sky high.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 15/07/2023 04:31

OrchardBlack · 14/07/2023 19:48

Thanks so much all.

She's finally replied saying she's going to go alone. :(

She's an adult with capacity, albeit definitely seems in detail to me like a PP said, so I guess that's up to her, but I really realty don't want her to.

Absolute manipulation.

You have been an amazing friend.

I hope you don’t capitulate to this.

You matter, too.

Rewis · 15/07/2023 05:02

She could be expecting op to be her carer and nurse. Or she could be just wanting ro holiday with a friend.

She could be manipulative by saying that she'll go alone. Or she could be just stating a fact and feeling annoyed.

I understand op not wanting to go but I don't see the friend being a badguy for asking

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