To not want to go abroad with my friend?

[OrchardBlack]

Hello legends.

My friend was diagnosed with a non cancerous brain tumour 3 years ago. Since then she's had radiotherapy, strong meds and numerous seizures, some more serious than others and one in the new year was so bad she had to go to ICU. The last one she had was a day before she was due to fly to Mexico and had to be hospitalised. She is insured up to the hilt but if she had had it only 12 hours later she would have had it on the plane and it presumably would have had to be diverted etc, it was a bad one.

Now, I adore this girl and have been right by her side through it all. When she couldn't go to Mexico, I surprised her with a Mexican themed mini party in her living room, I pick up her meds, drive her to shopping/appointments etc, I threw her a birthday party and spoke to all her friends and family to get nice/funny memories of her and read out a poem of them at the party.

I nominated her for an award at work and she was selected, at the awards ceremony she had another seizure and ambulance called. 😔 This was about a month ago. She wanted to continue with the night when ambulance left (refused to go to hospital) but I had a pretty rubbish time as was just constantly on guard and worried.

I have recently separated from my DP and have a weeks annual leave as me and him were meant to go away. My friend has been saying for some months now that she wants to go abroad and has now asked me again to use that week to go abroad.

I've said I would love to but I'm worried about her seizures and that I hope she understands but I wouldn't be able to relax, I said I just needed to be honest with her, and how about we go somewhere in the UK?

She is now annoyed with me, hasn't replied and doesn't seem to see what I'm saying. She says she doesn't want to go in the UK and needs things to look forward to. She went to France with her DP a few weeks back and said she was fine.

I feel awful.

Am I being overzealous?

How can I handle it?

You’re a friend not a carer, she’s trying to make the most of her life. To me it doesn’t sound like she’s trying to manipulate you.
You just have different approaches to risk.
Good on her for booking this. Life is too short.
And it’s ok to have your own boundaries if you’re not comfortable.

That's a good point. Is there such a thing though? Either way I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't want the risk!

she's adult enough to win awards at work, LET HER BE.

In the context of all your discussions, her message was awfully manipulative, are you her only friend?
Plan your own holiday, and if she sulks, too bad.

The worst thing is that she is ruining your holiday, you sound so nice you will be the one feeling guilty instead of enjoying yourself, and that's not fair.

You can have very close friends, but not make good holiday partners, because you have different need, finance, expectations. Don't feel bad.

Why don't you want her to go?! Fuck me, you don't want to go with her and you don't want her to go alone. So you want her to just sit at home then?!

I think it’s pretty normal for someone to be worried about a friend who has decided to put themselves in a risky situation, no?

The OP’s feelings on this aren’t stopping her friend from travelling and has accepted that her friend can make her own choices, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t allowed to be concerned about her.

She isn’t going with her because she thinks it’s a terrible idea, and she also thinks it’s a terrible idea for her to go alone, but she clearly acknowledges that her friend is entitled to make the decision.

The friend can go with her boyfriend. She doesn't need to guilt trip OP. She went to France.... it's hardly just sitting at home is it?

I'd be worried about more than cancellation/insurance – and I'm not a worrywart, I'm someone who doesn't even plan an itinerary for holidays.

I've been sick overseas and it was hell trying to get medical help for a simple non life threatening illness, in an unfamiliar place/system/language.

Iirc there was a British girl who died in France because they couldn't provide help for her (nut I think) allergy. Pity as it would have been a non incident if she were in the UK.

You make it sound like EVERYONE plans an itinerary for holiday.

I don't know anyone who does!

No point worrying about her OP, you’re entitled to say no and she’s entitled to make her own decisions and will have to deal with the consequences.

You can worry all you like about something happening to her while she’s away, won’t make any difference. You could worry every day about something happening to her in her own home, or in a car, or walking down the street or making a cup of tea at work…

Years ago I had a friend who travelled around with a friend of hers who had occasional seizures requiring hospitalisation.

They did have quite a few holidays without incident but then a seizure occurred whilst they were abroad and my friend found it incredibly stressful having to look after everything and help her friend get home. After that she refused to do it again.

Most people I know do, unless it's a lounging around holiday in a resort or by the beach. Do you and your friends also just take the train to random places like I do? If so, I've found my people haha

I relate to this so much. I had a good friend who suffered bad seizures who regularly wanted to go travel to pursue a hobby we shared. He was great fun and a lovely person but his seizures (multiple daily) could be intense and cause injury or see him unconscious for minutes before he came to. It was stressful and difficult being responsible for him (and while we were equals when he was incapacitated I was responsible for him) and often led to intense situations whether that was people wanting to call ambulances, thinking he was drunk etc.

The worst experience was a weekend in London which was need with him having a fit while making a coffee with the in room kettle and dropping boiling water all over his groin and legs. He was too embarrassed to say what had happened and by the time I figured out the gist of it (although it ended up way worse than I initially envisaged) he'd gone into shock. I had to take him to A&E and then look after him through multiple fits and eventually sort out picking up bits from his house and whatnot because he had to have an in-patient stay for skin grafts.

He was my friend, I had amazing times with him, he enriched my life but I could never relax when we were together. I'd never drink more than half a glass of wine because I worried I'd need to drive him somewhere.

Did he expect me to do all that? No. But I felt that responsibility. I'd never have gone abroad with him - the stress of explaining his situation to A&E in the U.K. was enough, the idea of trying to ring for help or explain in a foreign language what was going on would just be too terrifying.

You deserve a relaxing break too. Being honest with your friend is incredibly brave and this is a really tough situation. You can only do what feels right for you and she can only do what feels right for her. Neither of you are wrong and both your feelings are valid.

You have my understanding though for what little that helps from a random person on the internet.

I agree this is exactly what's happening.

Do not offer to go because you are worried about her. I very much doubt she will go alone and if she backs out of doing so it will confirm that she wanted you to go as her carer.

I've witnessed and treated plenty of seizures, it doesn't faze me but I wouldn't go to another country with a friend whose seizures were so poorly controlled. I'd have a great deal of sympathy for my friend but that would not persuade me.

I wonder how people go through life being this obtuse. It must be a daily struggle.

With the cancellation and even more recent seizures, I doubt she will be able to obtain travel insurance at all or for a reasonable price.

I definitely would not wish to go abroad with her