Starting to struggle being at home with difficult baby

[Sweettoothgirl]

Our beautiful little girl is 3 months old and is our rainbow baby after losses. I wanted to be a mum my whole life and she is the best thing to happen to me.

Basic question if you do not want to read the rest as it is a bit long: did you struggle being at home on maternity leave with baby who cries or struggles more than other babies etc and can you give any advice? I don’t want to look back and regret feeling this way.

She was born a slightly distressed but nothing serious due to partial abruption and due to this didn’t have much interest in feeding. She was NG fed for just over a week in hospital before basically forced to feed via a bottle by the hospital staff. We were taught techniques to get her to feed. Well, 3 months later she feeds less and less every week and doesn’t enjoy feeding. We think this must be due to pressure from us and hospital staff to feed.

Because she is not feeding well she is quite irritable during the day and I’m starting to hate feeding her and I get so anxious when DH walks out the door to work and I’m left alone with her. It’s not her fault at all that she’s difficult, she must have so much anxiety whilst feeding. We’re not getting much help from health visitors or doctors and I feel so alone. She’s not eating enough for her age or weight but when I speak to anyone about it they just tell me to continue what I’m doing and she needs to eat more which makes me feel like they’re telling me to keep force feeding her, basically.

Just a hand hold to say that being a mum is the best and hardest job in the world and it is not helped by people telling you to enjoy every moment or hat it goes so fast because when you are in the middle of it all, especially those baby days, your life revolves around them and it's hard.

Just go easy on yourself and remind yourself that you did the best you could at the time. There is no perfect mum.

Wish I could offer some advice but sometimes a sympathetic ear and to feel heard is important.

Op even with a baby that feeds well with no issues it can be incredibly hard and grueling.

@RoyalImpatience Yes sorry I do appreciate that too! It is awfully hard for any mother. I’m just getting frustrated that she is hungry but doesn’t want to feed. I just wish she didn’t have this anxiety.

Sorry I've been not express myself well.
I didn't mean... Yes it's bad for everyone I mean in general it's not a walk in the park.
It's grueling, lonely and hard and needs to far more respect.

It will pass op.

This sounds so, so difficult for both of you. You are probably absolutely right that your baby has developed an aversion to being fed. It is also unhelpful that you have been encouraged to think that physical weight gain is the only important thing. It is not at all surprising that you feel unhappy that your baby is struggling. There can be a variety of reasons why a baby can struggle with the process of taking a bottle. Probably the most common reason would be reflux, however, as there are also other more unusual reasons for sucking/swallowing issues, it would be reasonable to request a full review by a paediatrician. If no physical problem can be found, then it might be possible to find an infant mental health specialist to address psychological feed aversion.

Have you looked into a cranial osteopath? My baby struggled to open his mouth wide to latch on and the osteopath released tension in his head and neck to help with this.

We had to pay for it as I don't think it's available on NHS in most areas but was 100% worth it. Could be worth a look into?

Hope things start to get easier for you.

No advice on the feeding front. But I find being home all day with a baby very tiring, boring, frustrating etc and it's a pretty thankless role. It makes me depressed and I'm a better mum (and partner to my OH) once I'm back at work but I stay off for a year each time because I think that's best for our kids when they're very small. PPs have said it well that everyone just does the best they can and this phase will pass soon.

I just read your post again, and realise I didn't answer your question. Yes, I really struggled being at home with my fussy baby. He was only content for a few minutes at a time and it seemed that trying to keep him happy took literally all of the time. After weeks of only getting my most basic needs met, I became very low in mood, and lacked all hope that things would get better. The thing that would have really helped would have been more company, kindness and understanding from others. However, feeling low meant that socialising was the last thing on my mind. I hope you meet some supportive mum-friends.

It’s really hard suddenly being at home with a baby when you’re used to going out in the world freely at the best of times. This clearly isn’t the best of times, and it sounds like your baby has had a difficult start.

I think just make sure to contact someone if you’re worried she isn’t putting on weight or thriving.

You do have to offer feeds as you’ve been doing but I can appreciate it’s hard. Is she bottle feeding still now?

Hello lovely. First congrats on your baby girl and I'm sorry about your previous losses ♥️ has she been checked for tongue tie?

My girl is now 10 months old and we had to have an emergency section due to an abruption. She was then readmitted for missed jaundice and had to have phototherapy for a few days, and they also missed her tongue tie (which we ended up sorting privately) so she didn't get back to birth weight until she was over 2 months old. I can't look at pictures of her from this time because you can see how tiny she's gotten but nobody was really bothered - similar advice to you, just keep feeding 😩.

She cried A LOT. I was terrified to leave the house in case people thought I couldn't look after her properly. I took her to baby sensory and she was the only baby who cried solidly for every single class of that first term. If it wasn't for the teacher I wouldn't have gone back but she convinced me to carry on and she did eventually get better and started enjoying the classes.

Swing that the other way - because I was so worried about taking her out anywhere it meant I was in the house a lot and I really really struggled. She'd cry like clockwork for a couple of hours in every morning and then for ~4 hours in the evening. Feeding was a mare for us as well because of the tongue tie initially; we were told we HAD to combi feed but she was sick a lot when we'd do this. HV wasn't bothered, MWs discharged us when she got back to birth weight (went from 91st down to 9th on centiles!!!). We finally got a good doctor who was going to refer us onto the hospital paediatric team but her weight started to pick up then so she had weekly checks at the GP from then until it was clear she was following the line.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. It is so so bloody hard but you are doing absolutely amazing. Everything is a phase - it'll feel like there is no end in sight but I promise it DOES. She will cry a little less and as she gets bigger she will find things that she likes and you can create a routine around her favourite things then. This stage is so so rough especially with the difficulties you're having atm - I would get her checked for tongue tie just in case there's a partial one because the feeding became a bit easier after this (still had the occasional feeding strike).

Sending you lots of love xx

I'm so sorry OP. I have no advice on the feeding front, but just to say that I found 2-4 months SO difficult- I also have quite a grumpy baby, and that age seemed to be peak grumpiness for her, along with peak anxiety from me. It has got easier as she's got older. I promise you are not the only one to feel this way with a much longed-for baby. ❤

Being at home with a baby was one of the worst things for me that I ever did.

I wanted it for years. Especially as I used to look after other children / babies and was looking forward to doing it for myself.

I hated it. It effected every part of me. If anyone ever asks me if they should go back to work I say yes. It doesn’t matter if u don’t actually earn any money just get out the house , talk to other adults. If I had done that I’m sure I would have been so much happier.

You are doing great - being a Mum is amazing but so anxiety provoking ❤️❤️

My daughter struggled to feed and had colic the health visitor recommended a peadiatric osteopath to help with my daughter’s anxiety and to re-balance her after a semi traumatic birth. It worked wonders for us. Just maybe worth a go.

Otherwise please keep talking to your health visitor and GP - ask for a different GP if needed- they are not listening to you and are not understanding how hard this is for you.

Yes it’s hard!! DD I had postnatal depression and really she was a very good baby. The first few months she had reflux so was hard and cried a lot but after that she was okay. Then she got very very clingy. I struggled being with her all the time. I cut my maternity leave short in the end.

DS is an amazing baby and so easy except he has eczema and cries and cries. We’ve just found him new medication that’s working. so he is much happier now but I won’t lie I still struggle with him. I find it so boring and repetitive. I’ve taken an even shorter maternity leave again and both kids are in nursery but I’m so much happier with both my babies.

Luckily the nursery dote on DS who is the youngest there. They send me regular updates and look after him so well in a way that I just can’t (and to be honest don’t want to).

Well, 3 months later she feeds less and less every week and doesn’t enjoy feeding. We think this must be due to pressure from us and hospital staff to feed.

I'd think she was too little to resist pressure to feed if she realised food stops her hunger. Tiny babies don't usually do cutting off their nose to spite their face.

I would suspect it's more likely that she isn't making the association between feeding and her hunger going away. The NG tube would have prevented her from making that association early on and maybe now it's a vicious circle?

Ignore me if I'm quite wrong.

I found having a new baby very difficult too. Mine didn’t have problems feeding but he just screamed and screamed all day (and night).

It was so lonely, even though you’re not alone. I really felt like I was pouring all my love and efforts into this little person and I just got screamed at in return. Once he was a few months older it became so much more rewarding for me, once he could interact more and had a little personality I found it much more enjoyable.

I’m sure you’ve tried many different things, but it’s worth trying different teat sizes - it’s very frustrating for them if it’s too slow. And also not nice if it comes out too fast either.

I haven’t read the thread so apologies

Have you changed the teats? Try that you can get different ones, maybe try a vari flow teat?

Have you tried the pre-made cartons of milk? Much easier on the babies digestive system?

Is the milk too hot? Too cold?

How many bottles is she having a day and how many oz or mls is she taking each time?

Sorry to hear you’re finding things difficult

Are you breastfeeding at all? If something you are considering I have read it is possible to restart lactation (there is a breastfeeding UK group on Facebook)

no experience myself but also read about osteopath helping with traumatic births and helping feeding issues/colic.

I found the first few months very hard. Some respite with family visiting and helping out occasionally.

Daunting at first but going to groups could be good for you to talk to other mums. Baby massage, sensory or see if your local library do any baby classes

I totally get this. I had a grumpy upset baby 0-6 months. He cried so much in the first 8 weeks. He woke up every hour throughout the night. My friends babies all slept much better and they congratulated themselves on our WhatsApp group and I was seething. Then they talked about how their babies were waking 1-2 times a night due to 4 month regression. I didn’t even notice a regression because it was constantly pretty shit in our household.

I think baby had CMPA from my breastmilk and I will be avoiding dairy and eggs for next baby while I BF.

anyway DC is now a DELIGHTFUL toddler, very advanced, chatty and funny. I look back and realise it was a difficult time and no one else seems to really understand it was a living nightmare for a while.

anyway just wanted to say, I understand

Hey OP, I just want to send some solidarity. In my experience, nobody talks about how depressing it can be as a new mum. Of course I was so in love with my baby and overwhelmed with my love for her - and the fear of anything happening to her. But it was the hardest time of my life. It will pass! Take it easy is my advice. Don’t worry about things like housework. Just do the minimum needed to keep you sane. Go for small wins and baby steps with the little one. Remember that it’s the norm to feel like you go one step forward then 100 back with a baby and indeed kids more broadly.

I don't have any advice regarding feeding but the best thing I did was go back to work at 3 months. I didn't have a difficult baby but I was bored and just didn't feel like myself again until I went back to work.

I have struggled through maternity leave both times, and my babies haven't been particularly fussy babies! Could there be a tongue tie issue making it hard for her to feed and making her frustrated? Xx

I had quite bad anxiety when my partner would leave for work (and he worked from home so was only going upstairs!) so you’re not alone.

Have you tried different bottle teats? Check for a tongue tie in case she’s having to work extra hard to latch.

Also, I know it’s hard because you’re stressed but singing and laughing and playing with her will help relax her, try making it your routine just before you feed her.

My difficult baby is now 3 years old 😅

Bless you OP, that sounds so tough - slightly reverse here but my daughter struggled to feed when she was born (and ended up fully tube fed in the end and still is so we are well versed in oral aversion!) but we found MAM bottles the best for her as they were easier to suck and helped with her colic too. It's disgusting you're being left like this to be honest, especially as they will know your DDs history with the NG etc. Before we went to tube feeding my daughter was swapped over to a higher calorie milk called Infatrini so she wasn't having to work so hard to take in milk but gained weight, could it be worth asking your GP about this too? It means she won't need as much milk overall which can be so so stressful. I really feel for you, you're doing a brilliant job.

So baby is on formula? Could be an allergy. Some babies need special formula you can get on prescription. My friend's second baby had the allergy and was just a miserable baby until 6 months until she snapped and went to her GP. If only she'd found out sooner. Stand your ground if you feel something isn't right.