Starting to struggle being at home with difficult baby

[Sweettoothgirl]

Our beautiful little girl is 3 months old and is our rainbow baby after losses. I wanted to be a mum my whole life and she is the best thing to happen to me.

Basic question if you do not want to read the rest as it is a bit long: did you struggle being at home on maternity leave with baby who cries or struggles more than other babies etc and can you give any advice? I don’t want to look back and regret feeling this way.

She was born a slightly distressed but nothing serious due to partial abruption and due to this didn’t have much interest in feeding. She was NG fed for just over a week in hospital before basically forced to feed via a bottle by the hospital staff. We were taught techniques to get her to feed. Well, 3 months later she feeds less and less every week and doesn’t enjoy feeding. We think this must be due to pressure from us and hospital staff to feed.

Because she is not feeding well she is quite irritable during the day and I’m starting to hate feeding her and I get so anxious when DH walks out the door to work and I’m left alone with her. It’s not her fault at all that she’s difficult, she must have so much anxiety whilst feeding. We’re not getting much help from health visitors or doctors and I feel so alone. She’s not eating enough for her age or weight but when I speak to anyone about it they just tell me to continue what I’m doing and she needs to eat more which makes me feel like they’re telling me to keep force feeding her, basically.

Those first 4 months or so are rough! Even for those with "easy" babies the learning curve is steep and it's completely natural to be anxious about something you've never done before.

My first had extremely bad reflux and was not a happy settled baby at all. I don't remember the early part of her life, I had such little sleep that it's all just a fog to me but it does get better!

Everyone will tell you that and it will feel like shit to hear it, let's face it it doesn't feel supportive in the moment but it is 100% true!

They change so rapidly week by week. I used to tell myself, tomorrow will be different.

In regards to your feeding issue. That sounds so tough OP. I would go back to my GP again. You've got to be annoying and persistent to get help sometimes. It's not ideal but necessary.

This reason right here is why we took our baby out of the uk away from nhs and won’t go back, our baby is now thriving in the Mediterranean where a current great Ormond street paediatric consultant has recorded nhs treatment as medical abuse

I don't know if you have or not, but I would suggest trying lots of different teats and bottles - specifically a Dr Brown's bottle or a Haberman feeder. The problem with bottles is that there's no control over how quickly the milk flows into the baby's mouth, and lots of babies don't like that, also if they are refluxy, then too much milk flowing into their mouth makes it worse.

The Dr Brown bottle has a valve that allows air back into the bottle so that the baby isn't sucking on a vacuum and the Haberman feeder has two chambers so the milk will only come when the baby sucks - they can often help with these issues.

Good luck, I hope it improves for you both soon

Could it be possible that your baby has a tounge tie? My baby never finished her feeds, always crying, etc. Tongue tie wasn't picked up until 8 weeks as I formula feed. Since tounge tie has been cut i have a completely different baby, finishes bottle, smiley baby, sleeps better. Sending hugs! Keep going, you're doing great.

in the Mediterranean where a current great Ormond street paediatric consultant has recorded nhs treatment as medical abuse

I'm curious to know what you mean @Isthisasgoodasitis

The GOSH consultant is in your current (Mediterranean) country commenting very negatively on NHS care standards? Is that it? IDK if I'm reading it right.

Yes yes and yes. I was that mum who always had the clingiest loudest crying baby. I didn’t understand the newborn babies I saw out and about just asleep in their bassinet while their mum had coffee in peace - my dd woke up screaming every time we entered a shop house or coffee shop from outside. So I was basically trapped as it got tiring turning up to meet other mums with Dc screaming blue murder before I’d even sat down.

We had a tricky Bf journey until baby was a little bigger too.

So yes worth following pps advice about possible problems. But for us everything improved drastically four months on. Everything seemed to suddenly click into place. Baby was a little more alert so she started to understand what was going on. A bit mor, or so it seemed. I literally couldn’t imagine it. But I now have a happy smiley eight months old. Hang in there. You’re doing a great job.

Hi OP

I have a baby the same age who is also a, shall we say, unsettled baby. So I relate to the crying!
My first daughter had feeding aversion so I understand how hard that is!

Regarding the feeding, get the e-book 'your babies bottle aversion' by Rowena Bennet and read it straight away. A really helpful look into why your baby might be unhappy on the bottle. There is also a Facebook support group to join after you've read the book.

My baby is 15 weeks now and still cries so much, doesn't show much sign of 'growing out of it' yet, it's so hard, but we will both get there in time

OP the day I went back to work felt like being born again! I am so much happier as a mum for it. Don’t feel you have to enjoy ML - loads of women hate it.

Sorry I have to be quick, just want to say it WILL get easier!

This is awful op, as your baby was NG fed and still is struggling to feed you need more support and guidance. What weight is she?

It is incredibly difficult to be assertive when exhausted and feeling vulnerable but you must push the health visitors to help. Have you tried lactose free milk? Our youngest was the most stressy crying baby I've ever known but within days of lactose free she was100% more settled. Ask for a paed referral if gormless HVs won't step up.

Good luck. It really does get easier .

Oh this was me and my first baby.

I know how crushingly lonely it can be. Your whole world is upside down and every other baby seems to be 'babying' better than your baby.

It's really hard.

I promise it will get better.

I found going for a lot of walks helped. Seeing friends (even though it was stressful because my baby was unsettled). Looking back, I don't think my unsettled baby was bothering anyone but me, but I felt like I was bringing noise and disruption with me everywhere so I didn't go out as much as I should have.

Try and find the things that make you feel human again. Just survive this bit- it won't always be like this and you have years to enjoy your baby ahead of you. Don't feel like you have to enjoy her now. Just get through.

Poor OP, I had a very difficult second baby who pretty much cried 23hrs/day and would only settle for me and on me. It was so hard and took me to the brink of insanity as I was also looking after my toddler too. The days were very long and hard!

WRT to feeding issues I’d go back to the GP/HV and demand to be referred to a paediatric feeding specialist, these are highly trained speech and language therapists who are experts at feeding/swallowing issues. You should not be left to struggle alone with these issues!

We ended up paying for a private paediatrician who also worked for the NHS and after 2 private consultations put us on his NHS list instead, and set off lots of investigations with other departments and services.

If you don’t feel you can advocate for yourself can you get a partner/relative or friend to help you? I remember being completely lost and traumatised in those first few months before we got to the bottom of my daughters’ issues.

Finally big hugs to you and your baby xx

Yes, the early months I found really difficult with my first baby. He didn’t have any serious issues but was constantly feeding and fussing. Mornings were best but afternoons onwards, through the night, was awful. Looking back I had post natal depression but just thought I was a failure. My advice is to get out of the house and around people as much as you can. Share your pain with others. Do either you or your husband have an employee assistance programme through work? They can offer all sorts of advice - structured counselling if you need it, or finding services such as cranial osteopathy if you want to try that, and probably can suggest other services you haven’t thought of. Otherwise, look for charities. I remember thinking if I reached out for help it would be proof I’m not a fit mother and they would take him away from me. That was the depression. That is never going to happen. Don’t keep it to yourself. And remember this will pass.

That baby is almost 12 now and he’s so easy. He’s a kind, loving, hard working boy who doesn’t wake me up. It may feel like it’s taking an age to get through the difficult times but it won’t last long in reality.

It’s hard when you have a high needs baby. I had a feeling both of mine were harder work than the average baby, but of course all everyone tells you is it’s normal and babies cry. With hindsight I now know it wasn’t.

What jumps out is that your daughter had a traumatic start to life and doesn’t seem to be having much follow up care, especially in light of the feeding issues. If you start noticing any more developmental delays then you’ll have to insist on a paediatrician referral.

In the meantime, keep shouting about the feeding issues. Don’t let them fob you off.

I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. I had a really high needs baby, who wouldn’t sleep and cried so much. It was very hard - you are not alone. You probably want to push for the baby to be seen by another doctor, but, in the meantime, try to get out as much as you can. Just getting dressed and out in the fresh air in the morning helps a lot (for the baby, too), even if you feel so tired from the night. Then try everything you think might be suitable for a 3 month old - classes, library rhyme time, walking around the park etc. It doesn’t matter if your baby cries. You are out and potentially meeting other mums in the same boat. So much better than being in the house all day listening to the crying and staring at all your housework, which you can’t do because your baby is upset. It will get easier eventually, especially when the feeding situation improves.

This is motherhood- the one you longed for. Head down, chin up this phase will pass and be replaced. Rinse at repeat for 22yrs min.

Hello. How much under the daily recommended amount is she getting?

My son was tube fed at birth but he showed very little interest in feeding after a rough birth. He would take a bottle when we switched at day 4. But at 8 weeks it started to be a struggle to get more than a couple of oz in him at a feed. I remember standing with by the car trying to get him to feed when he was about 2 months old, pleading when this lady walked past muttering around try another formula. We did and it did improve a bit but he still only ever had 3 oz bottles until 1 and about 50% of the daily recommended amount.

I spent about two weeks going to daily weigh in clinics at about 10 weeks as I was so concerned - they checked him for dehydration and he was fine. We did regular weigh ins and he held the 10th percentile line.

Now he is a 5 year old - he loves milk, will drinks pints of cows milk just could never get the formula down him.

I would if you aren't find a weigh in clinic and check how she is developing? She could be a snacker and not be able to take big feeds.

I found it super tough. I would have loved it be the other way round where he just wanted to feed rather then spend my time trying to keep offering milk all the time to baby who wasn't hungry

Lastly try changing bottles too. It's worth trying as maybe the bottles aren't a good match and another type will be better?

OP, as someone else has asked, has your little one been checked for tongue tie?
my 8 month old son was born with it in November, it made it really difficult for him to latch and we were both so stressed. It became such a struggle that my baby started to get stressed when I tried to feed him because he associated being held in the cradle position with me
forcing his head towards my nipple! In the end I had to combination feed and pump/express. Maybe the way you’re feeling your daughter just isn’t working and if you find a way that works for you both she will relax more?

@RoyalImpatience I’m sorry to hear you and your little one are finding it tough. I had an easy baby and I still found it hard, god knows how I’d feel if I had one struggling to feed. A friend had a similar experience to you but her daughter had a tube until 9 months and it most definitely affected her feeding once removed. When babies have the tube for a period of time they don’t get the comfort of feeding like most do from birth. Like others have said have you tried different bottles or warmth of formula? Also are you on a schedule for the timing of the feeds or just responsive feeding. Definitely see your GP or HV for some advice or get your baby allergy tested. Wishing you luck 🤞

Hi OP, poor you. A few things:

1 Most areas have a specialist baby feeding service run as a community NHS function. While they more often advise on breast feeding they also advise on formula and bottles and will be much more clued up than health visitors who have to cover lots of topics.

2 Yes to cranial osteopathy for baby, but if you can stretch to it, it's also good for releasing tension in you - which babies have an annoying way of picking up on.

3 Keep busy. Do not sit at home with the walls closing in. A walk AM and PM as a minimum, it sounds so old fashioned, but honestly I found the fresh air so good for me and DS. If they're fretting and you're feeling sad, just get yourself out whatever the weather, don't worry if neither of you are particularly clean and tidy - just get out the door. Plus go to groups, whether at the children's centre or paid for. No one will mind if your baby cries (you always think your baby's louder than everyone else's!), but meeting other mums, passing the time, having a structure to the day, a diversion for baby now they're getting a bit older - honestly these were my saviour and meant I loved my mat leave in the end.