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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your thoughts on this friend situation

34 replies

Croissantsetchampignons · 14/07/2023 07:01

Long term friendship of over 25 years. It’s become really difficult & there are lots of issues. Friend used to live in same town as me. She was single for years and it was a huge issue for her. She met someone & then moved away. They now have a child.

Part of the issues stem from my alleged lack of availability. When she was single, I had 2 young kids & was just up to my eyes as I also work full time. I honestly hand on heart tried to be as available as I could - she would ring me every day, usually at the kids teatime because she wanted long chats. It was tricky but I made space. She was demanding I think. She was critical of how busy I was which looking back I think was because she wanted kids so actually wanted what she perceived I ‘had’. She was always going on about how I had moved on as I had mum mates but that was for my kids too- I had to do play dates etc.

During covid, she got pregnant. I nearly went mad with the homelearning, working full time, trying to keep a house. Like many people, it sent me to the edge. One comment stuck with me during that time - at the height of all this she said to me ‘I am never going to be a busy mum like you’- it really hurt. Covid was so hard & I tried my best.

Fast forward to her now having a kid & obviously reality has kicked in for her & she’s constantly complaining about how full on it is. Now I get criticism for not being interested enough in her child but given the covid comments, I honestly haven’t been that interested. She was critical of my parenting at a really difficult time. Her partner even deleted me from Facebook as I hadn’t liked enough of their child photos.

If I am honest, I haven’t been very available. I lost my Dad too earlier this year and there’s just a lot going on and the constant criticism and snipey comments have worn me down. I am just a normal mum who has a lot going on - I really tried to be there for her but she moved away, has been critical of my life a lot.

But I am sad about it- there are a lot of years invested but I feel like we have reached a point where I find myself making excuses not to see her or speak to her. But i guess I am also scared of the hole it would leave if I let the friendship go.

Any advice? Aibu to feel like I do?

OP posts:
HermeticDawn · 14/07/2023 07:06

What ‘hole’ would it leave? It sounds to me as if you’re co-dependent on someone who is demanding, critical, and has a long history of not being that nice to you. I’d recognise that the ‘friendship’ is no longer working for you, and let it go.

im sorry about your dad.

Hohofortherobbers · 14/07/2023 07:06

Doesn't sound like it would leave a hole, it sounds like it would be a relief. People move on, friendships change.

StripeyDeckchair · 14/07/2023 07:07

Real friendships build you up, encourage you and are fun. It sounds like this person is critical and demanding.
I'd drop of their socials and stop responding to emails/ texts. If she calls just say you're busy.

Neodymium · 14/07/2023 07:08

I’d definitely take a step back. Judgey people who say stuff like that are the worst. I would have dumped her at that point. Was she ever there for you? Did she support you when your dad passed? Sounds like a one way friendship.

SavedbytheBe11 · 14/07/2023 07:09

I was about to ask the same questions @HermeticDawn !

SideTime · 14/07/2023 07:10

It's run its course OP. It's time to move on from this friendship and accept it's reached a natural end.

The older I get, the more I only want people in my life who enhance it and make me feel positive, happy and good.

I have recently gradually ended two longish friendships as I felt drained and down after seeing these people. There is now a "hole" in my diary but I plan to fill it with people whose company I enjoy.

I had a good friend over the other day and felt uplifted after seeing her. Those are the sort of people I want in my life now.

orangeleavesinautumn · 14/07/2023 07:11

You dont have to make any sort of final decision here and now, just recognise that the friendship isn't benefitting you right now, and respond to her less often. There is no rule that you have to answer the phone or respond to a text. Mute her. respond as and when you have the head space. If she doesn't like it and decides to end it, so be it. If she is happy to stay in touch less often, there may be a time in the future when you are getting on better again. Or it may die a natural death

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 14/07/2023 07:12

I'd just reply something like "sorry but as you once said I'm busy being a busy mum." And then I'd block her.

Life's to short to be friends with people who just constantly bring you down and bitch and whinge. Surround yourself with people who only make you happy.

Aprilx · 14/07/2023 07:13

I don’t truthfully understand why “I am never going to be a busy mum like you” is that hurtful and you haven’t really given any other examples of her poor behaviour. But you don’t get any pleasure from the friendship, so it is time to distance yourself, sometimes friendships run their course and sounds like this one has.

nevynevster · 14/07/2023 07:17

I wonder if it's possible for you to just drift apart without formally "ending" the friendship. Leaving a window to come back to it at a later point?
It definitely seems like at the moment neither of you are getting what you need from this friendship and neither of you are able to give each other that. So just don't take the calls, reply to the WhatsApps and just let it fade gradually. Maybe when both of your kids are older and you're less busy it may be something to come back to.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 14/07/2023 07:17

Friendships come and go depending on what's going on in your life. Only good, equal and respectful friendships tend to last through life changes and this one isn't that. Chalk it up to this and move on. It doesn't have to be a dramatic split, just distance yourself slowly and invest less time and effort into it.

BluNomad · 14/07/2023 07:19

I can relate to both sides here, you’re both at fault but it really doesn’t matter. Don’t just cut her off just slowly disengage & eventually the friendship with dissolve

Original poster
Croissantsetchampignons · 14/07/2023 07:20

Aprilx · 14/07/2023 07:13

I don’t truthfully understand why “I am never going to be a busy mum like you” is that hurtful and you haven’t really given any other examples of her poor behaviour. But you don’t get any pleasure from the friendship, so it is time to distance yourself, sometimes friendships run their course and sounds like this one has.

It was hurtful because it was a dig at a time when, like many others, I wasn’t coping. I didn’t ask to be teaching my kids while working & I had said to her many times that I wasn’t coping.

OP posts:
Original poster
Croissantsetchampignons · 14/07/2023 07:22

The older I get, the more I only want people in my life who enhance it and make me feel positive, happy and good

@SideTime yes that’s how I feel. This friendship makes me feel like I am a bad person who is failing when really I am just busy raising kids & working.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 14/07/2023 07:23

I think your friendship has run its course. She is overly critical of you and lacks empathy for your situation while expecting total support & understanding in return. Sometimes you have to let friendships die. I would go extremely low contact and stop trying to make it work or feeling guilty like it’s all your fault. She is at least half to blame, maybe more. And her partner sounds like a dick too.

ThursdaysWoman · 14/07/2023 07:24

It can be really hard to be the friend who doesn’t have enough in their life while the other friend has a plate full. That applies to all sorts of situations, like one being unemployed and the other busy at work. So I can understand if she got a bit sour. Though it’s not your fault.

I don’t think you need to fall out with her. Things could be different in the future. But like others say, step back a bit for now.

OneLittleFinger · 14/07/2023 07:26

I had a friend who was similarly draining. Not daily chats, but every Sunday afternoon was spent together catching up, which meant her telling me in minute detail what she had done, and which imaginary ailments she'd pestered the doctors about that week whilst I sat mute.

When she moved away I thought I'd miss her terribly but actually it was so freeing. I had my Sundays back and it was such a relief!

So the moral is you'll probably find there is no hole when she goes.

MysteryBelle · 14/07/2023 07:30

I think she tries to make you feel bad about yourself. That’s not a friend, Op.

Primrosefrill · 14/07/2023 07:32

Christ alive phone calls every day at the children’s tea time. She’s sounds selfish as fuck! Sorry op but you’ve already given it way too long. Her dh also sounds unhinged

MysteryBelle · 14/07/2023 07:33

Her husband deleted you from his FB because you didn’t like his photos? That tells you that he and your frenemy have had ill will toward you for a long while.

Gymmum82 · 14/07/2023 07:35

I think friendships change when you have kids. One very close friend drifted as she just didn’t ‘get it’ now she’s 2 kids in and we’re close again and some of the things she did and said I’m sure she regrets.

Has your friend always been critical of you? I would perhaps let the friendship drift a bit but no dramatic end. So that when she realises actually you can’t not be a busy mom and all the other rubbish she’s spouted there’s space for her to come back and be a decent friend again

Original poster
Croissantsetchampignons · 14/07/2023 07:36

MysteryBelle · 14/07/2023 07:33

Her husband deleted you from his FB because you didn’t like his photos? That tells you that he and your frenemy have had ill will toward you for a long while.

I know. When I say it out loud, it’s so batshit. The truth is I haven’t been interested because she made it clear she didn’t want to parent ‘like me’ so I have felt a bit like well fuck it then.

OP posts:
Primrosefrill · 14/07/2023 07:37

MysteryBelle · 14/07/2023 07:33

Her husband deleted you from his FB because you didn’t like his photos? That tells you that he and your frenemy have had ill will toward you for a long while.

Also agree with this.
tbh when a “friend “ starts being passive aggressive and/or putting pressure on it’s an immediate end for me. It’s about trust. That’s lost when they start with horrible behaviours instead of talking it through

Aprilx · 14/07/2023 07:39

Croissantsetchampignons · 14/07/2023 07:20

It was hurtful because it was a dig at a time when, like many others, I wasn’t coping. I didn’t ask to be teaching my kids while working & I had said to her many times that I wasn’t coping.

Show quote history

It just doesn’t sound like a dig to me is what I meant.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 14/07/2023 07:43

It doesn't matter if it's a dig or not, her husband deleted her for not liking enough of their kids photos on social media and she'd ring constantly though her kids dinner time.
The pair of them are selfish fuckers.

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