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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your thoughts on this friend situation

34 replies

Croissantsetchampignons · 14/07/2023 07:01

Long term friendship of over 25 years. It’s become really difficult & there are lots of issues. Friend used to live in same town as me. She was single for years and it was a huge issue for her. She met someone & then moved away. They now have a child.

Part of the issues stem from my alleged lack of availability. When she was single, I had 2 young kids & was just up to my eyes as I also work full time. I honestly hand on heart tried to be as available as I could - she would ring me every day, usually at the kids teatime because she wanted long chats. It was tricky but I made space. She was demanding I think. She was critical of how busy I was which looking back I think was because she wanted kids so actually wanted what she perceived I ‘had’. She was always going on about how I had moved on as I had mum mates but that was for my kids too- I had to do play dates etc.

During covid, she got pregnant. I nearly went mad with the homelearning, working full time, trying to keep a house. Like many people, it sent me to the edge. One comment stuck with me during that time - at the height of all this she said to me ‘I am never going to be a busy mum like you’- it really hurt. Covid was so hard & I tried my best.

Fast forward to her now having a kid & obviously reality has kicked in for her & she’s constantly complaining about how full on it is. Now I get criticism for not being interested enough in her child but given the covid comments, I honestly haven’t been that interested. She was critical of my parenting at a really difficult time. Her partner even deleted me from Facebook as I hadn’t liked enough of their child photos.

If I am honest, I haven’t been very available. I lost my Dad too earlier this year and there’s just a lot going on and the constant criticism and snipey comments have worn me down. I am just a normal mum who has a lot going on - I really tried to be there for her but she moved away, has been critical of my life a lot.

But I am sad about it- there are a lot of years invested but I feel like we have reached a point where I find myself making excuses not to see her or speak to her. But i guess I am also scared of the hole it would leave if I let the friendship go.

Any advice? Aibu to feel like I do?

OP posts:

BluNomad · 14/07/2023 08:02

Primrosefrill · 14/07/2023 07:32

Christ alive phone calls every day at the children’s tea time. She’s sounds selfish as fuck! Sorry op but you’ve already given it way too long. Her dh also sounds unhinged

She’s not selfish she just didn’t have kids, before I was a mum my schedule didn’t depend on what time my friends kids had tea 🙄 if someone is a true friend then they wouldn’t bitch about that & wouldn’t expect someone else to know what time their kids eat

Twiglets1 · 14/07/2023 08:18

MysteryBelle · 14/07/2023 07:33

Her husband deleted you from his FB because you didn’t like his photos? That tells you that he and your frenemy have had ill will toward you for a long while.

Agree with this - they have clearly been bitching about OP.

As the saying goes: With friends like those, who needs enemies?

freetheunicorn1 · 14/07/2023 08:20

Friendships change, I think more so if you are at different places in your lives. In my experience you either eventually go back to the way you were, a new type of friendship develops or you completely drift apart. If I was you I would stay in touch as it suits you and see how it goes.

Unless you feel she is a toxic presence in your life, absolutely nothing wrong with cutting out the toxic.

DrManhattan · 14/07/2023 08:22

Friends should be fountains not drains.

Let her go. I'd rather have no friends than ones that make me feel bad.

JenniferBarkley · 14/07/2023 08:56

I'd let the friendship go. Kids, work,a bereavement - you don't have time or headspace for a friendship like this.

Splishsploshsplash · 14/07/2023 09:17

Spend time with people who make you happy. I’d just stop making an effort with her.

By the way, was she ever interested in your kids? I’m guessing not.

Primrosefrill · 14/07/2023 10:01

BluNomad · 14/07/2023 08:02

Show quote history

Are you the friend? Because you sound unhinged

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 10:32

Your friend is an emotional vampire and is bringing nothing to the friendship.

Why would you be bothering with someone who is so self centred and demanding?

As for her partner deleting you for not liking enough of their child's pot that extremely immature and pathetic.

They bring NOTHING at I your life.

You can still have fond memories of the friendship in the early years but it's pointless carrying it on now.

Drop this ghastly woman from your life.

frostyfeet · 02/02/2024 12:09

Sounds like way way way too much drama and hard work on both sides! Sounds like you were complaining to her about how hard everything was for you during COVID and she wasn't as sympathetic as you hoped and that is what is still getting to you. Shared grievances isn't a great basis for a friendship - it's one thing to support someone through a hard time but too often it can fall into a spiral of negativity. Unless you can keep things positive between you then I think the friendship has run its course

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