To expect DP to volunteer for early morning shift

[BarchesterTowels]

Have been on holiday for the last six days with DP who's four months pregnant. DD is 16 months and clearly a bit unsettled by the change of surroundings, has woken up at 4.30 am every day. Will take a bit of formula and if I'm lucky settle for another half hour, but bottom line is I've been up and in full toddler entertaining mode every morning by 5 am. DP is pregnant and has a bit of a cold but has been staying in bed and blissfully asleep till 7.30 most days. And so far has shown no inclination to offer me a morning off. Almost a week into this so called holiday I'm a walking corpse (also doing all the cooking and driving and most of the washing up). It feels a bit unkind asking a pregnant, not entirely well woman to share the early morning parenting, but on six hours sleep a night I'm shattered and starting to lose my rag that she's still not offered to share the load. AIBU?

What is the routine at home? Is this her only chance to lie in all year? If not then can’t you ask? Or have an afternoon nap?

Why would you not just talk to her?

“Hey, I’m really struggling. Please could you get up with DD tomorrow?”

Ummmm this could be very easily sorted by just talking to her

She doesn’t need to offer and you don’t need to passively aggressively wait for her to do so, seething because she can’t read your mind. Just talk to her and work it out between you.

You have one child right now. BOTH of you should be getting enough sleep.

but on six hours sleep a night I'm shattered and starting to lose my rag

How much sleep do you usually get?

Pregnancy is not an illness. She is taking the piss.

Is she waking up a lot in the night to wee etc (i did when pregnant) if she can't do morning shift then she needs to give you a nap time in the afternoon (good practice sleeping in shifts for when next baby comes!) and you need to go to bed earlier

DP works FT, I'm primary childcare which in practice means I get up before her 90% of the time. I never get to sleep in much past 6 am normally which is why I was hoping to get the chance at least once or twice on holiday.

You are joking? You are complaining about having 6 hours sleep? Being pregnant brings exhaustion on a level different from anything else. Is the baby sleeping through but just waking up early, or are they waking up in the night too?
Anyway, could you go back to sleep for a bit when DP wakes up? You could factor in an afternoon nap for everyone, or go to bed earlier.
TBH , going on on holiday with a toddler is not really a holiday for the adults involved.
Speak to DP, and find some solution that seems fair to both of you, whether that is her taking an early shift or you getting a break at 7:30.

Can’t help but laugh at all the “just talk to her” responses. 90% of the whining on here could be solved by just talking to the person it involves and yet this guy gets it in the neck.

That being said, it’s the obvious answer in this case.

I’m not sure what the answer here is exactly. Hormones early pregnancy can knock you for 6. When I was in mat leave I accepted I would have to do the majority of the childcare, but also knew I needed some “time off”
unless your partne having a really difficult pregnancy I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for her to let you have a lie in

Presumably toddler naps so you can nap in day.
I’d think pregnant and poorly (and can’t take medicine as pg) gets to sleep but if you are really struggling I’d see if they will do one.

Can you not put the toddler back to bed ad 5pm is still night?

Pregnancy is so tiring, you do have to factor that in to how much sleep you “should” both have.

If you are really struggling, why not talk to her?

As PPs have said, could you have a nap later in the day to catch up on a bit of sleep? It might be harder for her to get to sleep whilst pregnant (although obviously she’s not at the huge, can’t get comfortable stage) so it might be easier for you to do the early mornings and naps, and her to be able to stay asleep once she’s off.

But it does sound like a conversation is needed.

Or trying go get the toddler to sleep for a bit longer - I’d want to treat 4.30 as a night waking as that’s really not morning by any chalk.

I do feel for you both though - being at the stage when 7.30 seems like a lie in is really rough - that’s still really early on a non working day in my book!

I mean, this is why I decided to post here, because I really don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or not. 6 hrs seems like luxury compared to what we were enduring a year ago, but that said it is really difficult to take when DP emerges yawning at 7.30 having had 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep and I've already changed two nappies and spent almost three hours playing with an easily bored toddler. For the fifth consecutive day.

Having young kids is brutal. However, growing a human is probably the biggest thing a body can do. I’m afraid i think her needs trump yours, just at the moment. I’m sure you could grab an afternoon nap?

The OP could be a woman tbf . Would still be a good to speak to the partner. Yes pregnancy can be exhausting but op doesn't mention any complications that would mean OP having a morning to catch up on sleep would be an unreasonable ask.

I've seen plenty of threads on here where the woman is told lie ins should be shared and just because she doesn't work it doesn't mean the working parent gets to opt out of early mornings or night waking.

I think if OP has done every early morning on holiday it's not a big ask to want a lie in themselves. It's meant to be a holiday for both of them.

OP should speak to their partner though and if their partner can't manage the morning in her own then some time for OP to sleep later in day should be arranged without any emotional blackmailed about missing family time.

Exactly this, I do understand that pregnancy is trying! But it's difficult to know what is a reasonable expectation of somebody in this circumstance. Would love DD to sleep longer but we're with family in Shetland and the crazy long daylight is playing havoc with her body clock - blackout in her room not perfect sadly.

I remember the level of tiredness in parts of my pregnancies, you couldn't wake me or stop me from sleeping, it was horrendous at some points so she may not be able to control how tired she is at the moment, however ask if you can have a lie in one or two mornings but expect her to need a nap in the day and not grumble about it, she's growing a human, it's hard work.

If you’re with family, grab the opportunity for a lovely afternoon nap.

Although I have to wonder if you’ll be as keen on equality when she’s pushing a baby out of her body.

Go and buy painters tape and cardboard and make the bedroom blackout completely foolproof. Then run LO to exhaustion in the afternoon, then give LO a banana right before bed and ride out the morning fussing

Right, but this is his/her partner.

If you can’t even be honest with your partner and talk to them when you’re struggling, instead seething away every morning in resentment, what kind of a
relationship do you have anyway?

Six hours sleep - get ready for when your second child is born and you’ll think back and be grateful for the easy time. Your dp is pregnant as in growing another baby and also unwell and needs to sleep. You need to step up to the task and look after her and your toddler completely with no selfish whining. All household tasks as well to be done. It’s hard work for sure but it’s your job. Give her the rest whilst you’re on holiday.

You deserve a holiday as well. And it's no holiday without some long sleeps. So ask her to choose some nights where you get 10 hours, too. Despite what some people say on here, it really isn't too much to ask.

I would talk to her. Just say am tired can you get up with DD on alternate days? If she says no bring DD into bed with you in the morning and neither of you can sleep. When on holidays my DH and I come up with a plan so we both get a break.