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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who is selfish here?

46 replies

kitkat9999 · 13/07/2023 18:01

I have a family member, mid 60s, who finds modern life very difficult. He can't use the internet, is paranoid about 'big brother' and has become very self absorbed and only speaks about themselves and thinks their problems are the only problems in the world.

He has lived with parents their whole life, and since their death he has heavily leaned on younger family members (especially myself) for internet help, how to pay bills, and very basic things. I have helped him whenever I can but it can be a burden.

He very much lives in the past, and as such has always had a fetish and fascination for a particular part of the UK where his parents took him for holidays in his childhood in the 1960s. He therefore is adamant about moving there, and seems to think if he does he will go back in time to childhood days and life will be good and easy.

This worries the family, as he will have no one down there, and if something happens it will be very difficult for anyone to get there due to having jobs and our own lives. The location is 300 miles away from where his family (and he currently) lives. He will also expect my help a lot with the moving process which will not be easy at all.

On the one hand I think I would be selfish to say he shouldn't go (although I have told him to be realistic - he would be 1.5 hours away from the nearest hospital and he would have no one to help). He says he would make friends there who would help (his health is already not good).

But my friends say he is being very selfish, putting a massive burden on the family should anything happen.

He said he thinks everyone will come and visit him for holidays but it's so far and remote I can't see that happening much. Plus he has a very close family member who is very mentally unwell and housebound, so they would never be able to visit.

I am trying to distance myself because the situation makes me stressed but interested in opinions.

OP posts:
AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 13/07/2023 18:03

The changing Pronouns make this hard to follow

But ultimately... he's an adult. He can make his own choices

I8toys · 13/07/2023 18:04

He can do what he wants but can't expect everyone to run to him when if he needs assistance.

TeaKitten · 13/07/2023 18:04

You clearly don’t like him, think he’s being selfish and don’t want to help him. You’ve said you are distancing yourself anyway. So let him go.

Claimme · 13/07/2023 18:05

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 13/07/2023 18:03

The changing Pronouns make this hard to follow

But ultimately... he's an adult. He can make his own choices

It was hard to follow the last time it was posted as well!

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/07/2023 18:06

I8toys · 13/07/2023 18:04

He can do what he wants but can't expect everyone to run to him when if he needs assistance.

This. He's an adult and you can't stop him moving (and no doubt if you did try he would become resentful and angry).

But he is on his own with this and you and others have to make this absolutely clear.

Odds are that he'll come back within three months.

Original poster
kitkat9999 · 13/07/2023 18:06

TeaKitten · 13/07/2023 18:04

You clearly don’t like him, think he’s being selfish and don’t want to help him. You’ve said you are distancing yourself anyway. So let him go.

I do like him but it can be a burden as he requires a lot of help with every day things in life, so I'm dreading the drama of being asked to help with something as complicated as a house move.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 18:07

He will end up in a home.
Make it clear he knows you're not in a position to go there to help should he get ill. Then if he still chooses to go he has made an informed choice and must live with the consequences.

Shinyandnew1 · 13/07/2023 18:09

How is he related to you-is it likely you will need to be involved? Just withdraw from any conversation about helping with house moves

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2023 18:09

He won't accomplish the move if no one helps him.

Mythoughtextract · 13/07/2023 18:09

I think he's just saying it to wind you up. If he really needs that much help he,'ll never get organised enough to move.

GenieGenealogy · 13/07/2023 18:09

I8toys · 13/07/2023 18:04

He can do what he wants but can't expect everyone to run to him when if he needs assistance.

Pretty much this. And it needs to be spelled out for him in big letters - wishing you the best in your new life in Bournemouth, Uncle Bill, but obviously that means that I won't be first line tech support or doing all the running around after you.

TeaKitten · 13/07/2023 18:10

kitkat9999 · 13/07/2023 18:06

I do like him but it can be a burden as he requires a lot of help with every day things in life, so I'm dreading the drama of being asked to help with something as complicated as a house move.

Show quote history

But once he’s moved away you won’t be able to
help with bits of every day life… so that’s what you want.

It’s clearly a daft decision on his part but you are complaining about him selfishly leaning on you, yet you think it’s selfish that he wants to move away and make it on his own. Ultimately it’s his life and his choice. Just like it’s your choice wether you help or not.

Hankunamatata · 13/07/2023 18:12

Simple. You tell him you will be unable to help with the move and hand him telephone number of a moving firm

NBLarsen · 13/07/2023 18:12

You don't own him, you cannot control his decisions. You can make it clear to him that you won't be able to visit often and won't be able to help with his day-to-day life from a distance. But otherwise it's up to him how he wants to live the rest of his life.
If he's lived with his parents his whole life then he might be desperately glad for the opportunity to live life the way he wants to now that they are gone.

canpinkydance · 13/07/2023 18:13

Is this your uncle? This is ringing some bells.

JulieHoney · 13/07/2023 18:13

He’s clearly making a stupid choice. Not a selfish one, though, as he’s the one who will live with the consequences of no one being arsed to travel.

Give him a removal firm number and leave him to it.

Original poster
kitkat9999 · 13/07/2023 18:16

@TeaKitten I think he would still expect us all to help, whether that's over the phone instead, and also he would expect us to travel there if he became ill or needed help which would be very difficult

OP posts:
canpinkydance · 13/07/2023 18:19

I would tell him it's too far to visit.

I would be setting his number to go to voicemail and only be responding when convenient for me.

As PP said, give him details of local removals companies. You don't have to do anything you don't want to if the person asking is unreasonable.

canpinkydance · 13/07/2023 18:19

kitkat9999 · 13/07/2023 18:16

@TeaKitten I think he would still expect us all to help, whether that's over the phone instead, and also he would expect us to travel there if he became ill or needed help which would be very difficult

He can expect all he wants, that doesn't mean you have to do it.

HerMammy · 13/07/2023 18:21

Have a conversation and make it clear that you will no longer be available, no reason for man in his 60s to be son incapable. Has even visited this area lately he wants to move to?

TeaKitten · 13/07/2023 18:22

kitkat9999 · 13/07/2023 18:16

@TeaKitten I think he would still expect us all to help, whether that's over the phone instead, and also he would expect us to travel there if he became ill or needed help which would be very difficult

If you go though that’s your choice. Nobody is forcing you. So just don’t go, and let him no you won’t be doing.

ThatFraggle · 13/07/2023 18:23

Maybe suggest he goes on holiday there alone. When he sees it's not a magical land, he'll simmer down.

WildUnchartedWaters · 13/07/2023 18:24

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 13/07/2023 18:03

The changing Pronouns make this hard to follow

But ultimately... he's an adult. He can make his own choices

What changing pronouns?

JulieHoney · 13/07/2023 18:26

canpinkydance · 13/07/2023 18:19

He can expect all he wants, that doesn't mean you have to do it.

Show quote history

I was about to type the very same thing.

’Expect’ and ‘something actually happening’ are two very different things.

Explain up front that you support his right to move where he wants, but being away from the rest of the family means he will have to manage on his own.

KeepSellChuck · 13/07/2023 18:28

WildUnchartedWaters · 13/07/2023 18:24

What changing pronouns?

Show quote history

Phew - thought it was just me!

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