Who is selfish here?

[kitkat9999]

I have a family member, mid 60s, who finds modern life very difficult. He can't use the internet, is paranoid about 'big brother' and has become very self absorbed and only speaks about themselves and thinks their problems are the only problems in the world.

He has lived with parents their whole life, and since their death he has heavily leaned on younger family members (especially myself) for internet help, how to pay bills, and very basic things. I have helped him whenever I can but it can be a burden.

He very much lives in the past, and as such has always had a fetish and fascination for a particular part of the UK where his parents took him for holidays in his childhood in the 1960s. He therefore is adamant about moving there, and seems to think if he does he will go back in time to childhood days and life will be good and easy.

This worries the family, as he will have no one down there, and if something happens it will be very difficult for anyone to get there due to having jobs and our own lives. The location is 300 miles away from where his family (and he currently) lives. He will also expect my help a lot with the moving process which will not be easy at all.

On the one hand I think I would be selfish to say he shouldn't go (although I have told him to be realistic - he would be 1.5 hours away from the nearest hospital and he would have no one to help). He says he would make friends there who would help (his health is already not good).

But my friends say he is being very selfish, putting a massive burden on the family should anything happen.

He said he thinks everyone will come and visit him for holidays but it's so far and remote I can't see that happening much. Plus he has a very close family member who is very mentally unwell and housebound, so they would never be able to visit.

I am trying to distance myself because the situation makes me stressed but interested in opinions.

I think you need to be really clear about you not being willing to meet his expectations. Like really break it down for him tell him exactly what you are and aren't willing to do. So that he can make an informed choice.

Who knows though maybe having a change of scenery is the change he needs to get him out of the negative slump that he's in. He sounds depressed.

I'll assume he has inherited his parents home. It's not down to you to sort this. Speak with a charity Mind?) or Social Services about employing a support worker temporarily to sort these things. This will however need to be paid for.
I don't want to make assumptions, but if your relative has additional needs eg autism he may get this help through a social worker. This does not mean he's mentally ill or incapacitated and he's as entitled as anyone to make poor decisions. He's not entitled to expect you to pick up the pieces.

This. Once you've said your piece it's up to them.

It changes between He and They for the same person

Surely you "just" tell him that you really don't think that family, including you, will be visiting as it is so far away and remote. That if he is going to move there it will have to be on the understanding that he is self-reliant from now on.

If you have told him then he can;t blame you when you have backed off.

Yeah, I thought this was a zombie thread at first!

I had to go back and look. It's perfectly readable. Up there with pretending a spelling mistake makes it unreadable. Petty

If I were you I would start to distance myself now. Stop the help with every day things. Be upfront with him that this will be what his life will be like if he moves away. Let him get a taste of the reality now so he can prepare himself. He might surprise you and become more capable when he has no choice but to learn for himself, or he might come to the conclusion that it would be a bad idea. If he still chooses to go give him only limited help to move and let him get on with it. Stop making him your responsibility.

I agree, it was perfectly readable to me too.

I'm a selfish bitch so I probably wouldn't have got this far into the situation.

Can you help him move and then leave him to it?

Why have you posted twice about this, has anything changed since last time?

I think you need a family get together with him and lay it all on the line. Explain your collective limitations and the fact that logistically it's not going to work for the family. You won't be holidaying down there and you won't be in a position to offer support either remotely or otherwise. He seems to be under the misapprehension that you'll all be rallying round, you need to advise him this isn't happening. If he understands all this then it's up to him whether he goes or stays.

I'd tell him that he's free to move and do what he likes. But that I cannot help him move so far away. Explain that he won't get the support like he does now. Leave him to.make his decision. Just because he asks, doesn't mean you have to do what he says. Just say, "sorry no" when he asks for help moving. He can hire packers and a driver. It's unreasonable to expect help for a long distance move. If he has special needs , can you ring adult social services and ask for support for him?

He's free to move to where he wants.
It's not up to you to facilitate this move.
If he asks then tell him that you can't help.

I doubt he'll move as no one will help him, but if they do then they're enabling him.

As a family , you all need to step back.

If he's vulnerable then that's a very different matter and Social Services need to be informed.

He's not your problem. You don't need to do these things for him and the more that you do, the more reliant he becomes.

It sounds like you've all been lovely with him but it's no longer tenable. His parents clearly masked the problem.

He has to stand in his own two feet... if he can't then it's his problem.

Someone expecting something of you doesn't force your hand though does it

On a recent thread someone said ,about a needy person, that 50 years ago they would have had a housekeeper and with someone doing all the day to day stuff for them would have coped with life fine.
This is what this person needs but as full time hks are thin on the ground can you arrange a “cleaner” who comes in a couple of times a week and can also do the online shop etc.
if he coped better where he was he might not want to move

Is he neurodiverse or has he just had no life experience?

I would talk to the other family members and see how everyone feels about it. But if he wants to move then he needs to facilitate it himself. Give him the information he needs to move but don’t offer actual help. If any family members organise the move then make sure they know they are responsible for driving down to him when required

In the meantime set up his bills so it’s all direct debit. If he isn’t able to leave money in the account can you get a social worker to help you find someone to manage it for him.

The more you do, the more you will have to do.

Another option is finding a retirement home, I think it’s called assisted living. He can have his own home in the place he loves but have help (that isn’t you) at hand. It doesn’t sound like you can just leave him to manage on his own, but you might be able to point him in the right direction.

Does he have physical or mental disabilities meaning he needs help, or has he just had a life time of mollycoddling, from his parents and latterly from you?
If its the former, speak to adult social care, if it's the latter, tell him to grow up and get a grip

I had to read it a couple of times to be sure who they were talking about. It's not petty

What do you mean? OP refer to her relative consistently as ‘he’.

From what I've read I sincerely doubt he will have the ability to pack up and leave a family home. People like that in my experience talk about doing things but never actually do it.