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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these friends don’t like me?

55 replies

Gotthehint · 13/07/2023 15:22

I moved to another country 2 years ago and since then none of my friends have visited (I have been back a few times including to attend their wedding’s / hens, Christmas etc).

We are about a 6 hour flight in a popular holiday destination and can offer free accommodation. They have all been on multiple holidays since then, at least 4 or 5 each.

Is it safe to say we aren’t as close as I thought we were?

OP posts:
Turfwars · 13/07/2023 16:13

I don't like visiting people when on holiday. I actually don't go on holiday with anyone outside of DH and DS because of a few disastrous group holidays. Even if I got the holiday for free you would not get me on the plane.

I much prefer to rent something that's ours for the two weeks and that way, we can do what we like, when we like without having to compromise with someone who's fussy or rigid.

Because my workplace shuts for Christmas, it means that a two week holiday, a long weekend and a day here and there for DS being off sick from school, it's usually all used up so I wouldn't have the time to go see a friend on my own.

There's certain locations that I just wouldn't go to as a woman either, no matter how lovely the location.

Cressidasmum · 13/07/2023 16:14

We moved abroad,fairly close too, but not actually in, a popular holiday destination, just before covid hit. Since the world has opened back up we have had visitors over most months.....we are only 2.5hr flight from the UK though so people come for a long weekend, a mid-week break or a weeks visit. 6 hour flights each way pretty much rule out the shorter break option. Most of our friends don't see visiting us as a "holiday" more of a break to spend with friends and then have their "proper holidays" as normal.

It's very sad that old friends haven't made the effort to come and see you but use this as a reason to invest in your new life and enjoy time with new friends made locally. I'm sure if you put an obvious invitation out there with some date options people might be more willing to take you up on your offer. They might be reticent about approaching you about staying with out a specific and obvious invitation.

To be fair having visitors staying in your house can be tiring and quite hard work at times. It's a very different scenario having friends over for dinner/bbq/party to sharing your house for a week or two believe me....😳🤦‍♀️

TheOrigRights · 13/07/2023 16:18

I just looked up places which are 6hrs flight time from London.
Flight Duration - 5 to 6 hours

  • Israel (Eilat)
  • Africa, West (Nigeria)
Flight Duration - 6 to 7 hours
  • Africa, West (Gambia, Ghana, Senegal)
  • Saudi Arabia (Riyadh)
  • Oman (Muscat)
  • United Arab Emirates (Dubai)

You say it's a popular holiday destination so maybe you've moved to Eilat, or Muscat or Dubai? I don't feel a strong draw to holiday in the Middle East. Maybe your friends feel the same?

PrinceHaz · 13/07/2023 16:19

If you’re wondering if they’re true friends, you can tell that regardless of whether they’ve visited or not. I have 2 or 3 friends who are wonderfully good kind people and I wouldn’t doubt that in any situation.
So forget the fact they’ve not visited for a minute and focus on whether they always made you feel really happy and safe with them (in which case they’re true friends) or whether it was sometimes a bit meh.

unfortunateevents · 13/07/2023 16:21

They have all been on multiple holidays since then, at least 4 or 5 each.

All of your friends have been on multiple holidays in the past two years? Really? I'll bet not all of those holidays involved a 6 hour flight.

Although you consider your location attractive, maybe it isn't somewhere they want to visit? Do any of them have partners/children who also have to be considered? Maybe they have planned their holidays well in advance? Maybe they have other friends they wish to visit? Or some of these trips are for hen parties, weddings, other celebrations? I lived abroad in three different countries and can count on one hand the number of friends who visited in that time. I didn't take it personally and we are all still friends now years later!

cheezncrackers · 13/07/2023 16:26

When we lived abroad (similar length of flight), the only people who came to see us or stay with us were people who were coming to visit the place we were in - we were incidental to that. It sounds awful when I write it, but that's life! People go to the places that they want to go on holiday and if they have a friend there - great - they also see their friend.

JulieHoney · 13/07/2023 16:30

Is Dubai a popular holiday destination? It looks awful!

<misses point of thread>

LiloP · 13/07/2023 16:30

Unless you specifically invited me, I wouldn’t come or consider it. My BIL lives in a holiday destination which means flights are ridiculously expensive during school
holidays and we would need to plan at least 6-9 months in advance. We have kids and I wouldn’t impose on someone unless they invited me to stay at their place.

I live a 2 hour flight from my home country and still most friends have never visited or once in 10 years. Try not to take it personally.

canpinkydance · 13/07/2023 16:35

Hmm. A 6hr flight away is a lot to ask. I also wouldn't want to stay in someone's home for a holiday, I'd want to be in a hotel or apartment. So it'd be an expensive trip, and 6hrs isn't really just a weekend break away.

I guess it also depends where it is you live? If a friend lived in (Barcelona/Lisbon) id be willing to spend money on the flights/accommodation.

If a friend lived somewhere I had absolutely no interest in going (Dubai/Blackpool) I wouldn't want to use my annual leave and money on it.

HollaHolla · 13/07/2023 16:37

Are you in Dubai? I wouldn't visit there..... Sorry

canpinkydance · 13/07/2023 16:37

FKATondelayo · 13/07/2023 16:02

My best mate moved to other side of the world 20 years ago. I have been once. It's nothing personal. I don't want to spend all my holiday allowance, money and family time flying 24+ hours to a fairly dull region that I've already been to.

6 hour flight from the UK? I'm guessing as a PP has said it's Dubai. If not somewhere ME/north Africa/former soviet union - in other words, destinations that are not first on the list for relaxing holidays for many people.

Maybe they think you don't like them because you moved away.

Ah! You mentioned Dubai too.

I would not be using my leave and holiday money to go to Dubai.

readbooksdrinktea · 13/07/2023 16:37

I have travelled to see friends in America (from the Nordics), it was such a long damn trip with two layovers and a week's jetlag when I got home. Never again. Doesn't mean I don't like them.

Tbh though I couldn't afford it now, so there's that too.

mainbrochus · 13/07/2023 16:38

Unless they have been to Dubai and not visited you, I think it’s Dubai and not you.

Dubai is kinda icky as a holiday destination. And six hours away, it’s only two more to barbados and I know where I would rather go.

You friends can’t really say to you that they don’t fancy a holiday there for ethical reasons as you have chosen to live there so it’s a tricky convo to have.

Maybe give them some dates they could book and offer a local appartment, maybe that will tempt them.

Horriblewoman · 13/07/2023 16:54

Would your friends normally visit a place like where you live?

New York? I’d visit but I wouldn’t want to stay more than 2 nights with a friend and I’d feel obliged to spend all my time with them which isn’t quite a holiday that I’d plan independently.

Dubai? I’d never choose to go on holiday there so it wouldn’t be on my radar to visit.

CoffeeCantata · 13/07/2023 16:56

I wouldn't visit anyone who wasn't close family if they lived a 6-hour flight away. I couldn't afford it and I' don't do long-haul.

I think, since you moved away, the onus will be on you to return to visit your friends.

midsomermurderess · 13/07/2023 17:02

It also depends on where you moved to. If it was eg Dubai that might well not appeal to some people.

FancyFanny · 13/07/2023 17:09

If I'm going on holiday I don't want to stay with friends because I want to completely do my own thing! Two weeks having to make conversation with the host every day is not my idea of a holiday- I want to be with my DH whom I know so well I don't feel we need to fill every silence like you do with friends.

I'd only want to visit a friend for a few days and a 6 hour flight is expensive and too far away to do that. I'm sure when you visit them at home you combine it with seeing your family and other friends too so it's different from them visiting you.

Beekeepersapprentice · 13/07/2023 17:10

I adore my sister. She lives abroad and comes back to the UK once or twice a year. I've visited her once in 15 years. Much as I love her, I'm just not going to spend thousands of pounds on flights for my family to stay in an area I would never choose to visit for any other reason. It would cost more for flights, even if everything was free when we were there (which it wouldn't be because there would always be day trips and things to do for the children etc), than I would normally spend on an entire holiday.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 13/07/2023 17:12

You buggered off, changing the terms of the friendship. You can't get in a huff when they don't want to schlepp halfway round the world just to see you.

StephanieSuperpowers · 13/07/2023 17:16

If it's Dubai, I wouldn't go either. I couldn't in conscience travel to a place where your enjoyment of your holiday is held together by human rights abuses. And I've no interest in seeing buildings built by exploited workers in my lifetime.

I wouldn't enjoy it and you wouldn't enjoy watching my lack of enjoyment. Miserable all round.

PimpMyFridge · 13/07/2023 17:17

2 years is nothing.
Time and money are both limited resources, if I'm spending an amount of either they have to go on whatever is priority at the time, by necessity. It is highly likely that even a good friend is not necessarily going to be the top priority for that chunk of time or money in a mere two years.
For instance..
My sister lives abroad, in Oz, I haven't been to see her in 8 years... She has come back to the UK though, twice in that time. But she has many reasons to come here and the resources to afford it.
When I next go on holiday it won't be to see her (though I would dearly love to), it will be to have a huge relax in a quiet place because my little family haven't had a holiday in nearly a decade and have been having tough time, we really really need a very low demand holiday with lots of down time. Seeing even close family is not that. It is a switched on and compromising needs and expectations time, packing in a lot of quality time, making memories etc etc.

You're definitely taking it way too personally.

Whichwhatnow · 13/07/2023 17:21

OP my sister lives in a lovely tourist destination, only a couple of hours away and near beautiful beaches etc. I adore my sister and we get on great but even then I wouldn't be able to stick it for more than a week - usually more like 4/5 days once per year. I like my own space, I like being able to sit and veg in front of the tv or on my phone after a long day out without feeling like I'm being rude (my sister would never make me feel like this btw, it's all in my head but I'd still feel bad!). I often don't like the food she cooks (sorry sis!) but equally feel uncomfortable cooking in her kitchen. I would usually go out for dinner every night with DH on holiday but wouldn't feel like I could do that without inviting sis, her DH and my DN too (at our expense as they don't really have the money, plus it feels polite as they'd be hosting us). I hate not having my own bathroom etc.

Essentially I want to do whatever I want to do and be completely relaxed in my own space on holiday. I get that staying with you is free but accommodation is only part of the cost - they would be using precious annual leave, paying for travel/flights, for eating out etc etc. I've already agreed with DH that next time we visit my sister we'd get a hotel or rent a holiday apartment nearby!

Also if it IS Dubai as has been suggested by PP, it would just be a no from me tbh.

fireflyloo · 13/07/2023 17:22

2 years isn't very long and you've been back so seen them. If you want them to come you need to be more specific- would be lovely you see you this year. If anyone fancies coming to visit and stay with me let me know when and I'll check the diary for dates.

CapEBarra · 13/07/2023 17:29

No, it’s too far. It will be ridiculously expensive, and. I’d be using up valuable annual leave I’d want to use going away with my DP or kids. You’ve been back to see them and that’s great, but people have their own busy lives to lead and you’re the one who chose to move, so really you’re the one who needs to make the effort.

My brother moved to Australia and I haven’t gone to visit, and I likely won’t go. It has never been somewhere I’ve been desperate to go to, and I see him when he comes home. So I don’t think your friends hate you, but they have their own lives, and they still have each other so their social needs continue to be met.

VimFuego101 · 13/07/2023 17:30

I moved an 8 hour flight away from home a few years ago. I would never expect people to spend a week of their holiday time and probably their entire holiday budget for the year visiting me in favour of a holiday their whole family would enjoy more - I moved, I make the effort to go back.