Am I still a bit crazy? TRIGGER WARNING - references to suicide, baby loss, violence

[RissolesAreGreat]

First of all, I have name changed but long time user blah blah

This is the first time I have EVER spoken about this, mainly due to absolute embarrassment, shame, and wanting to forget the past. However I feel like I need some ... reassurance? Hopefully anyway.

I am 41 years old. Between the ages of 15 - 30 ish I consider myself to have been deranged.

Some examples of my behaviour included:

Hitting myself to garner attention and sympathy (I said I was ganged up on my someone)

Lying about being able to drive - not for any particular reason

Lied about being pregnant to my friend when I was 15 and then faking abortion - again, for attention.

Sleeping with older men 30+ at the age of 16/17

Faking serious illness concerns

Obsessing over people, new partners. Never wanting them to leave, worrying constantly they would end things

I mean, there was probably a lot of other stuff but these are the things that really stand out for me.

I do not have any excuses for my behaviour, however I was taking recreational drugs, drinking heavily - cider every day, and a lot. My mother died when I was 9, my father was abusive, and my brother's bullied me.

I was bullied in school.

I used to leave nights out with friends and sit on the marina, sobbing and sobbing, wishing I had the guts to jump in.

Now? I have a partner of 10 years, a steady job, our own home, a car and a beautiful little boy. I currently (and have done for the last 5 or so years) feel at my most settled, mental health wise. I am completely sober, but do have anxiety and low moods occasionally. I also seem to have a new problem with money, I just want to spend on crap all of the time.

I have recently been looking at my past behaviour, as hard as it has been and it scares me. I don't feel like that person anymore but am I?

Am I still that crazy, weird, fucked up person or have I moved on from it all?

One of the reasons I think I have been looking into it is that I am due to attend a situation where an old friend from those days will be present. This old friend once called me out on one of the lies I had told. I didn't have time to explain that it was due to me being a mess at the time, as I was getting into a taxi, all very strange. It was about the driving. I was making small talk and said I am learning to drive. He said "but you said you could drive, you told that elaborate story about etc etc"

I have decided not to go as I feel that I am revisiting old times that I really want to forget. I actually don't mind discussing it all with him. I just don't feel it would be good for me.

I don't know what my AIBU is.

I guess deep down I am scared, scared that I could have a mental breakdown one day because I must be crazy, due to the stuff I did before. Or have I healed from it?

I would never, ever do any of the above now - I dont think? It just wouldn't cross my mind. I just feel deeply ashamed of it and wonder how I can delve further into it and the reasons for doing it, without it hurting my head.

Do you think that you possibly have/had some kind of pathological tendency?
None of these lies look like small, not thought of little white lies, they look far more profound?
It's difficult to comment without trying to offend you - but have you had counselling/therapy to address the root cause of these problems?
Do you possibly consider that you're one of these people that thrive off attention?
It sounds pretty messed up in my opinion but if there is something more profound behind it, I hope that you got the right help.

Hey hey hey - do you not see that you lost your mum at 9 and everyone else was shit???

You've now sorted a LOT out.

Other than a few weeks counselling when I was 21, I haven't had any therapy. This is something that I want to explore though as I definitely need it, if only to deal with what has happened in the past.

Just to get that out there first.

To lose your mum, as a girl, at nine is profound. And it seems no one was there for you.

Of COURSE you made shit up! What else were you going to do - say 'Hey, can anyone be my Mum? No one loves me and no one is helping me or loving me or protecting me - can I have some hard core attention please?'

Be wise about this - your little inner child lost her Mummy - I am not the least bit surprised to hear your story - but then I was a DV advisor for years and years and I've heard all sorts of abuse stories and their relative coping mechanisms.

This is all normal - don't beat yourself up - don't go to the party if you don't want to BUT forgive yourself for what you did to get what you needed - 'the lonely heart drinks from the murky pool when it must' or something xx

'Purple Dragon Mother - Healing from Abuse' - Amazon.

I just want to say well done. You went through rough times, and you're in a great place now. Sounds like your childhood was messed up. We and our brains do all kind of things to cope. You've grown up and changed.

Try to forgive your past self and treat the younger you with compassion. It's ok to avoid people from your past if you prefer.

Maybe try to dig into why you feel the need to spend. What's still missing inside? What part of you still needs to heal?

I think that fact you list your mum at age 9 and had no support from dad or sibling would explain a lot if your behaviour. I imagine if you no longer indulge in these behaviours then you’ve reached a stage where you feel happy and supported and therefore don’t need the attention you got from the previous behaviour. Cut yourself some slack and be proud you’ve left that stuff behind, but maybe get some counselling to help you work through how you feel.

I think therapy would really help you, especially dealing with losing your mum at such a young age.
I'm not suggesting you are deranged as you say in your post but you do say this has been ongoing for a number of years prior to you meeting your DP and settling down.
I would be worried about something re-triggering you in the future if you don't get to the root cause of it all.

Lovely post from @something2say

digest every word OP

I don’t think using the term ‘deranged’ is right here. You had many extreme difficulties during your teenage years and were finding your way through in the best way you could. The fact you are sober and coping well now is such an achievement. What you need to do now is forgive yourself for the past behaviours and recognise that you are not ‘deranged’. If you are working, many employers have an employee assistance programme with free confidential counselling that you should consider. If you are not working then do look into some therapy support to help you move on and respect/accept your achievements.

For me, it completely makes sense you behaved in that way. You didn't get attention from a mum after 9, you got bad attention from your brother and dad. You found that lying and causing chaos got you attention (even if it was negative) and we all need attention. Throw in some drugs, alcohol, teenage girl hormones and you acted in the way lots of people in your situation would have acted.

But now you have grown up, you have positive stable relationships so you no longer need to act out.

I am a therapist and before becoming a therapist my understanding of mental health was thay you 'had things like OCD, depression, Bi-Polar etc. But through helping people I have realised, our behaviour is because we are a product of the environment we grew in and it can be overcome. Sometimes there are biological imbalances, but in your case..... OF COURSE you were a tearaway given everything you had been through. It is credit to you that you have been able to straighten out so much.

You may always be a little bit more vulnerable to stress and anxiety/depression. But by no means has anything you have said made me think there is an underlying problem 'lurking'. If you had one of those disastouros mental health diagnoses you would 100% know about it by now as it would be impacting your daily life.

@Hodgewell1 My employer does offer private telephone counselling. 6 x 30 minute appointments.

I find it incredibly difficult to speak about my Mother, even now. A lump takes over my throat and I just want to run. It definitely is from that. I used to sob in my flat, begging for a sign from her.

I feel really sorry for old me. Looking back, makes me incredibly sad. I am going to get counselling ASAP

I did request it when I had PND 3 years ago, and a debrief of my traumatic birth but they didn't ever get back to me. The person I spoke to suggested I have bereavement counselling.

Different fibs in my case but lots of your behaviours I remember doing myself. And I'm a million miles away from that sad, scared, angry adolescent now. In my case it was CSA, bullying and parental disinterest that contributed to who I was back then.

My go-to response now when I'm reminded of something embarrassing by someone who knew me back then is something along the lines of "yeah, I was pretty messed up as a youngster, but when I got therapy and it helped a lot." It's owning what you did, it's explaining it but not excusing it really but it's still guarding your privacy. Most recently I said it to a Uni flatmate who I hadn't seen since 95, and she was actually pretty kind.

I'm pretty sure that everyone, at some point did something dumb as an adolescent or young adult that they'd cringe over.

OP, you were a child, and your mum died, and the rest of your nuclear family were shits.

Of course you made inappropriate relationships, of course you made up things for attention and sympathy. Of course you did. You were trying to grasp any kind of human connection you could. Every single adult in your life at that time should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

You were a child, you didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with that yourself, and you shouldn't have had to. Of course you did things that were not healthy, you didn't know any better - because you were a CHILD.

I think you do need therapy. But not because you were 'deranged' but because you need help to forgive yourself for making the choices you did. It was not your fault.

Your kind messages are making me incredibly emotional. Thank you everyone, your kind words have really reassured me.

I like to say 'deserve therapy' rather than 'need it' - like we are defectives in some way. I too had a shit upbringing and deserved help - and took it and never looked back.

OP I am sorry you are still grieving your mum xxx go straight through it, there is no going around it because nothing else hits the spot, does it?

Get that book!!

You sound completely amazing to me op! Your childhood sounds very damaging and to acknowledge your previous unhealthy behaviours and turn your life around shows incredible strength and resilience 💐
In short, yes you're still the same person. But you have much healthier coping mechanisms and have gained emotional intelligence. Would you consider therapy to help you have come compassion and understanding for your younger self ?

OP - how strong you are op to have created love and your own stable family. Your mum would probably be very proud and happy for you.

I lost my dad very young and like you sobbed my way through alone. The lying - my God the lies I told! Why do we do that? So odd! I then became the funny, wild party girl but there was a huge hole inside of me, and I was on the run from it.

It is still there and I visit from time to time but the rest of my life has grown around it, so it does not dominate.

It has also stopped scaring me - the help of an excellent therapist helped me frame things. I stoppped blaming myself for being a terrible person and accepted that the very young self was trying to survive emotionally as well as mourn.

Don't be scared of your young self - thank her for getting you this far!

@Bearpawk I definitely want the therapy, although finding it is another thing. NHS are not helpful.

I also have very bad OCD. Like a lot of the time when I speak, the syllables of the words, represent left and right in my head. Each syllable starts on the left and I have to repeat the sentence back slowly in my head and hope that the syllables end on the right side. WTF is that all about? I do also have facial tics.
Which is something I find very embarrassing but can control them for the most part.

I just want someone I can say all this to in real life without being embarrassed

Wow, so you’ve survived AND turned your life around. Well done OP.

Don’t disregard your old behaviour, but don’t punish yourself for it. Any comments can be deflected with a ‘I know, I’ve survived and got my life on track’ or similar. If you are able to share, I’d fend it off with a losing my mum fucked me up pretty badly. No one would argue with that.

My heart was breaking for you when I read about the loss of your mum at such a young age and then having to live in an abusive household. No wonder you drank - no wonder you lied. Those sorts of lies were where you were trying to live a life that you couldn't, if that makes sense. You really needed help back then and though it might be difficult to talk about those times with someone, I think it would really help you heal.

Treat yourself very gently - you have been through multiple traumas.

I agree with @something2say. I work with people who've had similar upbringings and tbh I wasn't in the slightest bit surprised by the 'lies' you've told.

You have turned everything around and now live a stable life; that's incredibly difficult when your foundations are bad.

Have therapy if you think you need to process things, but don't beat yourself up about things.

Why don't you start with your £ free sessions from work. Then if it's something you think is useful and worth investing in you could perhaps look at weekly private sessions.
You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.