Am I still a bit crazy? TRIGGER WARNING - references to suicide, baby loss, violence

[RissolesAreGreat]

First of all, I have name changed but long time user blah blah

This is the first time I have EVER spoken about this, mainly due to absolute embarrassment, shame, and wanting to forget the past. However I feel like I need some ... reassurance? Hopefully anyway.

I am 41 years old. Between the ages of 15 - 30 ish I consider myself to have been deranged.

Some examples of my behaviour included:

Hitting myself to garner attention and sympathy (I said I was ganged up on my someone)

Lying about being able to drive - not for any particular reason

Lied about being pregnant to my friend when I was 15 and then faking abortion - again, for attention.

Sleeping with older men 30+ at the age of 16/17

Faking serious illness concerns

Obsessing over people, new partners. Never wanting them to leave, worrying constantly they would end things

I mean, there was probably a lot of other stuff but these are the things that really stand out for me.

I do not have any excuses for my behaviour, however I was taking recreational drugs, drinking heavily - cider every day, and a lot. My mother died when I was 9, my father was abusive, and my brother's bullied me.

I was bullied in school.

I used to leave nights out with friends and sit on the marina, sobbing and sobbing, wishing I had the guts to jump in.

Now? I have a partner of 10 years, a steady job, our own home, a car and a beautiful little boy. I currently (and have done for the last 5 or so years) feel at my most settled, mental health wise. I am completely sober, but do have anxiety and low moods occasionally. I also seem to have a new problem with money, I just want to spend on crap all of the time.

I have recently been looking at my past behaviour, as hard as it has been and it scares me. I don't feel like that person anymore but am I?

Am I still that crazy, weird, fucked up person or have I moved on from it all?

One of the reasons I think I have been looking into it is that I am due to attend a situation where an old friend from those days will be present. This old friend once called me out on one of the lies I had told. I didn't have time to explain that it was due to me being a mess at the time, as I was getting into a taxi, all very strange. It was about the driving. I was making small talk and said I am learning to drive. He said "but you said you could drive, you told that elaborate story about etc etc"

I have decided not to go as I feel that I am revisiting old times that I really want to forget. I actually don't mind discussing it all with him. I just don't feel it would be good for me.

I don't know what my AIBU is.

I guess deep down I am scared, scared that I could have a mental breakdown one day because I must be crazy, due to the stuff I did before. Or have I healed from it?

I would never, ever do any of the above now - I dont think? It just wouldn't cross my mind. I just feel deeply ashamed of it and wonder how I can delve further into it and the reasons for doing it, without it hurting my head.

"I do not have any excuses for my behaviour... My mother died when I was 9, my father was abusive, and my brother's bullied me."

You may not have excuses but you do have reasons, as listed right there.

My dad died when I was 6 and l, like you, it funked me up, though I waited til my mid 20s to let it out. 20 years on and I'm not the same person, largely due to my dd who gives me a reason to smile, and live.

Have you had any counselling?

My mother died when I was 9, my father was abusive, and my brother's bullied me.I was bullied in school.

Oh sweetheart. These are massive traumas, especially losing your Mum (with no support I assume), and your attention seeking was a trauma response of a sad, damaged, abused, scared girl.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I would urge you to seek some counselling/therapy to work through all this - and be KIND to yourself. You've survived and even thrived with your life now, and that's remarkable.

None of what you say sounds unusual to me for someone who has experienced a lot of trauma, which you have. You could read up on developmental/complex trauma, ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and attachment theory (anxious attachment style) in case you haven't yet. You were never "crazy" but reacted to very difficult circumstances. Check out Sarah Naish's "The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting". You will find some of your behaviours listed and explanations of the underlying reasons.

You have done amazingly well!

https://uktraumacouncil.org/

I’ve said YABU but I only meant that you’re being unreasonable to think that the way you acted was deranged or awful. Actually it was pretty understandable and appropriate given the awfully shit hand life dealt you. And you sound like you have become an inspiring woman who should be proud of what you’ve overcome and achieved. And you are so worthy of investing the time and money and effort getting any support and understanding for yourself that you can. 💐

Aw OP, you were left with no-one no wonder you craved attention. Please don't beat yourself up and go and speak to the dr they could help with the ocd and intrusive thoughts and the anxiety surrounding it, medication and therapy. Good luck and well done for the successful life and family you have built, you deserve this x

I’m a therapist and I really think you should seek some therapy. You have survived severe trauma and your actions are a reaction to this. I really admire you for taking the time to try and decipher this.
I think you will need longer term therapy (6 30 min sessions won’t be enough).
Have a look at the BACP website for a therapist. Preferably one who specialises in trauma. Good luck OP.

Wow thank you. I really didn't expect such kind messages.

I am going to look for and price up a therapist lunch time.

I definitely need to deal with the trauma.

I have very, very few memories of my mum, and I know I should remember more. My brain is very clever at blocking out painful memories. I feel like there is a huge wall I need to knock down in order to unlock those wonderful memories of my mother. I am hoping a therapist can help me do this!

I find myself doing this even now. My very close friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2 weeks ago and I was devastated, however recently i have found that my brain is almost trying to turn me against him in a way "well we don't see each other much anyway", "he has lived a fun life" or just general denial. When I now try to think of him and how sad it is, my brain will not let me complete the thought process. It's almost like it is trying to protect me. Wow that sounds messed up