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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I say something to my entitled sister

35 replies

DWSDB · 12/07/2023 21:33

My sister has recently got married after a horrible relationship and now has a blended family. Before this, we were close and supportive of her but…Ever since she has met this person nothing I or my family do is enough for her. My mum and dad are in their sixties and I have a family of my own.

Her family is now a family of 9 due to all the kids and she is constantly asking for childcare so she and her partner can have time alone. I’m happy to have one or two but I don’t want to babysit 7 kids plus my own at once. The same with my parents. If we don’t agree to take care of her children she sulks and say we are uncaring, despite my mum providing childcare for atleast 2 a week. I have sleepovers with 3 at a time.

I live a lot closer to my parents and they live in a different town. Sometimes I meet up with my parents without her (I have 2 children who are well behaved whilst, although I love them, hers always cause chaos and can be unboundaried and hit adults and my children) and she gets angry about this too.

She was in hospital a few months ago for an emergency operation and me and my family took all of the children so her husband can go with her. Following this, as we were exhausted and due to work etc we did not visit her for a few days when she came home. She has fallen out with us because of this.

She also takes no interest in any of our lives and is in her own bubble with the new husband. I like him and he is nice but he acts as an echo tunnel to her selfish behaviour.

I don’t want to argue with her or cut her off but god knows what to do anymore because it’s frustrating giving so much effort to another family whilst I get called out for being unhelpful or uncaring.

Myself, partner and parents work and have activities outside our family and she often upsets my mum by her behaviour. What would you do to tackle this?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 12/07/2023 21:36

Back away. Get some boundaries. She's only interested in what you can do for her. It'll all go tits up soon enough.

N0ëlle · 12/07/2023 21:38

Blimey, the next time she asks for childcare I'd try and keep it light and say ''I was wondering if it was your turn, I feel i could do with a weekend away''.

I bet it hasn't occurred to her that you might ask her.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 12/07/2023 21:38

Is she simple? Don't blend a family resulting in 9 children if you don't want to look after 9 children!

It's your fault you're not her entire free childcare? Damn you only taking 3 and your mum taking 2.

Very nicely, tell her to fuck off, the cheeky cow!

She does understand that palming off 7 children is not a thing, right? Or apparently not.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 21:42

Wow so many kids!!! They need to wait till they're older and the oldest kids can be paid to babysit to do date nights and couple things, sorry. Or for the very very very occasional night out they need to spread the load and try to coordinate ex partners if possible

N0ëlle · 12/07/2023 21:42

Ps, I wouldn't actually want to fall out for good over it so I'd practice turning her down in the most diplomatic ways you can think of.

I'm so tired. I'm so busy. I am away. I have to do x, y, z and a, b, c

If that doesn't work, and she keeps asking, bring the honesty up a level. ''I'm going to have to let you down and say no because I'm so tired and busy''.

Maddy70 · 12/07/2023 21:55

Just be honest. Say 9 children are just too much for you to deal with

DrManhattan · 12/07/2023 21:59

WoAah that's a blend too far

Dacadactyl · 12/07/2023 22:02

God only knows what your sister was thinking getting into that situation?!

I like @N0ëlle's approach. But if she kept going on and on about it, I'd let her fall out with me. She needs you and your family more than you need her at the minute, so if you have to just tell her "I think you're taking the piss"

RainbowZebraaaa · 12/07/2023 22:06

N0ëlle · 12/07/2023 21:42

Ps, I wouldn't actually want to fall out for good over it so I'd practice turning her down in the most diplomatic ways you can think of.

I'm so tired. I'm so busy. I am away. I have to do x, y, z and a, b, c

If that doesn't work, and she keeps asking, bring the honesty up a level. ''I'm going to have to let you down and say no because I'm so tired and busy''.

Don't do that. Be more direct. You achieve nothing from being vague and indirect.
Yes being direct may cause her to be angry in the shirt term after that has settled she'll know where you stand.

Mariposista · 12/07/2023 22:19

Why on Earth d he children hit? Is she that incompetent that she hasn't taught them that is wrong?

Screamingabdabz · 12/07/2023 22:21

Maddy70 · 12/07/2023 21:55

Just be honest. Say 9 children are just too much for you to deal with

This 100% ^

NoSquirrels · 12/07/2023 22:22

7 kids, + 2 parents, is that right?
How many are your sister’s children, and how many her husband’s? Obviously no one is going to offer to babysit 7 kids on the regular, that’s madness. I’d offer to have my nieces/nephews when the other kids spend time with their mum/her family but I’d back right off from any pressure to do more than that.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 22:23

If you choose to have a family of nine kids I think it’s perfectly reasonable to kiss any chance of alone time goodbye for a good decade or so

pictoosh · 12/07/2023 22:24

9 kids between them! 9!!
It may sound harsh (because it is) but that is their choice and personally I'd be having nothing to do with childcare for her. I wouldn't put myself in that position for all the tea in China, like fuck would I do it for someone else.

pictoosh · 12/07/2023 22:26

Maddy70 · 12/07/2023 21:55

Just be honest. Say 9 children are just too much for you to deal with

Absolutely. She should know this already and if she doesn't she'll have to accept it.

isthesolution · 12/07/2023 22:30

Sure I can have the kids on Friday so you can go out. Can you have mine on Saturday so I can?!

I suspect when it requires reciprocation she mightn't be so eager to ask!

Also - don't the children visit their other parents??

CandlelightGlow · 12/07/2023 22:33

I don't want to sound callous and don't normally think things like this (perhaps it's because your sister's set up is my idea of hell with so many children and half of them not even my own), but if she is needing such constant childcare and breaks then perhaps this family set up is not sustainable long term and if they can't manage to rub along together then the constant babysitting sessions are just putting a band aid on and delaying the inevitable?

I know that kids grow up but it sounds like their life with so many kids is too hard. I have 3 kids and no childcare whatsoever and I would absolutely kill for an evening out or even alone with my DP, it just doesn't happen but our life is happy enough that we manage.

Gymnopedie · 12/07/2023 22:48

Sure I can have the kids on Friday so you can go out. Can you have mine on Saturday so I can?!

I suspect when it requires reciprocation she mightn't be so eager to ask!

I suspect she'd say yes, have her Friday night out, then tell OP she wasn't going to do Saturday (with or without some crappy excuse).

ArthurPoppy · 12/07/2023 22:59

How many children are hers? His? Theirs together?

Is he the resident carer for his own children? Does his ex have his kids? How often?

She is the resident parent for her own children? Does her ex have her kids? How often?

Would it work for your parents and you to have all the kids at the same time once a month? Doing the childcare together might make it more manageable. Park and picnic.

However the lack of interest in your lives really highlights how narrow and self centred she has become under the demands of a large family.

DameEdna1 · 12/07/2023 23:16

I'd just be upfront and say sorry, but seven kids plus my own is just too much. She won't like it but I think it'll cause less of a stink long-term than trying to fob her off. She chose this situation, it's completely unreasonable to expect family to look after that many kids except in a real emergency.

SoShallINever · 13/07/2023 00:11

Just say no. Your children shouldn't be subjected yo abuse from their cousins, bugger that.

toffeeappleglow · 13/07/2023 06:33

There's only so much you can do to placate someone with unreasonable expectations. I'd do as others have suggested and tell her that you're simply unable to cope with that many children at one time. If she can't accept that, there's not much more you can do. You can't force her to be reasonable, but you can refuse to give in to her entitled expectations.

ChubbyMorticia · 13/07/2023 06:45

“I’m sorry, we’re not comfortable managing that many kids at once.” Be honest and clear. Your answer isn’t going to change, so it’s best not to make excuses. If she comes back with, “But I manage it!” you can reply, “And I admire you for it, because I know I can’t.”

Don't get drawn into an argument. You can’t handle her crew. The end.

Original poster
DWSDB · 13/07/2023 08:40

thanks for your responses!

I don’t want this to go back to her so can’t put too much detail in but she has 4 and he has 3. For different reasons they can’t see their biological mum/dad on other side so it’s just them 2 with them.

It is hard, I very rarely ask for help with mine from her because my youngest always comes back in tears, 2 of her children have suspected autism and that’s the reason she gives for them hitting.. don’t know if that’s a thing but I don’t know enough about autism to say if that justifies it or not.

i do tend to say I have other plans etc but it still gets her in a sulk. Sometimes I think they wish they’d not had kids separately and they’re so in love they wish they could start again. All kids are well cared for and loved by us all but really I can’t fit another 7 in my house!!

Its my parents I feel most sorry for as my mum is lovely and tries to help if she can but she has a life too.

OP posts:
IVFbeenverylucky · 13/07/2023 09:09

7 kids, 2 with possible autism. It might be worth contacting Council/social services to see what help the family can get, which might make things easier, although of course it's not going to provide date night cover!

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