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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to turn down seeing family?

42 replies

Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 19:30

Having a real issue with my in-laws. My DH is low-contact for good reasons and although he wants to maintain a cordial relationship with his parents, he keeps it minimal for his own mental health - once or twice a year in person and phone call catch ups every month or so.

The problem is, they don’t take the hint when he’s not up for seeing them and are very persistent.

For example, they’ll ask to visit. He’ll say something along the lines of ‘Oh it’s really hectic for us at that time/we’re thinking of booking a holiday around then so not sure if we’d be free/work is going to be very busy then so it’s just not the best time’ and rather than take the hint and ease off, they’ll keep asking until they get a date (eg ‘how about the following week/month?’).

If I asked someone if they wanted to meet up and they replied with something like that, I’d probably say ‘no worries, would be great to see you another time - let’s keep in touch’ and leave the ball in their court. But no they just keep asking and asking.

My AIBU question is do we just keep politely but indirectly turning them down or explain why we don’t see them? DH’s concern is by being direct he’ll cause more upset and potentially irreparable damage. It’s less damaging to just pretend we’re too busy, etc, but it’s tricky when they don’t take the hint.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 19:31

YABU - change tactic (what to do?!)
YANBU - better to keep on being vague to preserve relationships

OP posts:
Caravanvirgin · 12/07/2023 19:33

He is their child not a random friend. I would be persistent if it was my child.

I think DH should offer back a suggestion of when/where he is willing to see them.

Original poster
Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 19:35

Caravanvirgin · 12/07/2023 19:33

He is their child not a random friend. I would be persistent if it was my child.

I think DH should offer back a suggestion of when/where he is willing to see them.

He doesn’t want to see them more often - that’s the point. He’s low contact because they’re quite difficult and seeing them has a really negative impact on him.

OP posts:
PerspiringElizabeth · 12/07/2023 19:37

Stop giving all these hints. You’re low contact for a reason. Be direct. You don’t need to be rude. ‘No we can’t make it’ etc etc then eventually end up just going ‘Look dad, it’s not fun for us, we have so much else going on, we can’t come and see you’, or just plain ‘no’.

Were LC with dh parents and they need it given to them straight otherwise they are just relentless with the faux confusion and woe is me act.

Tinkerbyebye · 12/07/2023 19:38

He either says no that wouldn’t work, but we are free xxxx so in 6 months or whatever so he sees them twice a year, dates in diary

or he tells them the truth about why she doesn’t want to see them a lot and takes the hit. It maybe difficult for them to hear, but will let them understand and who knows maybe even change

RainbowZebraaaa · 12/07/2023 19:41

Tell them what the problem is.

Or at least say no we can't do those days we'll get in touch when we know what date we can do.

Wildspace · 12/07/2023 19:47

Can you just pick that time in 6 months time when you will see them. Sort of a ‘Let’s get something in the calendar for later this year’ and then leave it at that.

LacieLane · 12/07/2023 19:53

Without knowing more about the issues between them it is hard to give a view.

Are there any strategies that would make their relationship easier - more regular but shorter visits, not at home, but in a cafe for instance. Much easier to stay for an hour and leave.

As a parent, I would prefer to try and address the issues and that can only happen if there is more honestly about what is going on. Perhaps they too can compromise if they know what needs to be addressed.

Time for some grown up conversations. Perhaps you can support with a more objective view?

Original poster
Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 20:04

PerspiringElizabeth · 12/07/2023 19:37

Stop giving all these hints. You’re low contact for a reason. Be direct. You don’t need to be rude. ‘No we can’t make it’ etc etc then eventually end up just going ‘Look dad, it’s not fun for us, we have so much else going on, we can’t come and see you’, or just plain ‘no’.

Were LC with dh parents and they need it given to them straight otherwise they are just relentless with the faux confusion and woe is me act.

Yes sounds very similar - think we definitely need to consider being direct.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 20:05

RainbowZebraaaa · 12/07/2023 19:41

Tell them what the problem is.

Or at least say no we can't do those days we'll get in touch when we know what date we can do.

We do that a bit - ‘sorry that’s not a good time for us, we’ll get in touch’ but they’re relentless and will ask ‘what about X Y Z date?’ So it becomes hard to keep saying no.

OP posts:
ContractQuestion · 12/07/2023 20:07

I dont know why you're surprised.

If I tried to meet up with my mum or a close friend and they said "oh can't do X week as Im away" the normal response is to say "what about the week after when they're not away etc...

Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 20:07

’no worries, would be great to see you another time - let’s keep in touch’

You really think you would say that to your child if they were busy on the first date you suggested seeing them?
I can’t think of a single person who would be that cold and aloof to their adult children!

ContractQuestion · 12/07/2023 20:12

Exactly! I'd you're making arrangement you back-and-forth until you have a date!

Caravanvirgin · 12/07/2023 20:14

Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 19:35

He doesn’t want to see them more often - that’s the point. He’s low contact because they’re quite difficult and seeing them has a really negative impact on him.

Show quote history

He doesn’t need to see them more often but they are going to keep contacting him until he arranges a date so it’s better he takes control of the situation.

Original poster
Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 20:16

LacieLane · 12/07/2023 19:53

Without knowing more about the issues between them it is hard to give a view.

Are there any strategies that would make their relationship easier - more regular but shorter visits, not at home, but in a cafe for instance. Much easier to stay for an hour and leave.

As a parent, I would prefer to try and address the issues and that can only happen if there is more honestly about what is going on. Perhaps they too can compromise if they know what needs to be addressed.

Time for some grown up conversations. Perhaps you can support with a more objective view?

Yes I know what you’re saying - we have tried many tactics to make things easier and do all we can - he does want a relationship with them and this frequency feels like the most he can manage at the moment.

The difficulty is they live several hours away so it’s either a whole long weekend together or nothing - hence it’s quite intense. I also don’t feel like a couple of times a year is that infrequent given the distance.

He has spoken to them a bit but there are some very deep seated issues with them that aren’t easily resolved.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 12/07/2023 20:29

He needs to give them a clear answer.

If it was my child I'd be persistent too. Maybe they think you're keeping him from them.

Original poster
Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 20:30

Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 20:07

’no worries, would be great to see you another time - let’s keep in touch’

You really think you would say that to your child if they were busy on the first date you suggested seeing them?
I can’t think of a single person who would be that cold and aloof to their adult children!

Well no not exactly that, that’s a bit of paraphrasing. But an actual conversation with them would be:

Them: Can we visit the first weekend of August?
Him: We’re away the first weekend I’m afraid! Then we go straight back to work and we’re expecting to be really busy at work as it’s that time of year when we have X Y X on. We also have a wedding to go to later that month so it’s just a bit hectic around then.
Them: How about the second weekend of August, what are you doing then?
Him: Sorry, it’s just really hectic around then, it’s just a really busy time of year! Can we think about another time and get back to you?
Them: We’d like to visit in August, what weekends are you not away?

He has done this before:
Him: August looks really tricky, how about October.
Them: That’s such a shame you’re not able to see us sooner. Is there not a few days you’re free in August? We can do October but we’d like to visit for a few days in August too.

As in, they don’t take the hint at all. A lot of what he’s saying is true - we do have weddings or weekends away or other fixed commitments and we both have jobs which can be incredibly busy so he’s not making this up out of nothing. He needs a certain amount of headspace to see them so seeing them in a really busy/stressful period is even more difficult than it would be in a quieter time.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 12/07/2023 20:32

he's too wishy washy. He's a grown man. He needs to give a clear and concise answer.

Original poster
Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 20:34

Brefugee · 12/07/2023 20:32

he's too wishy washy. He's a grown man. He needs to give a clear and concise answer.

I guess that’s what I’m asking - what would he say?

The truthful answer is he doesn’t want to see them, as contact with them really upsets and stresses him out, and he can only cope with limited contact. But if he gave them the truth, they’d be really upset and probably then go on to make him feel really guilty about it.

OP posts:
Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 20:34

Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 20:30

Well no not exactly that, that’s a bit of paraphrasing. But an actual conversation with them would be:

Them: Can we visit the first weekend of August?
Him: We’re away the first weekend I’m afraid! Then we go straight back to work and we’re expecting to be really busy at work as it’s that time of year when we have X Y X on. We also have a wedding to go to later that month so it’s just a bit hectic around then.
Them: How about the second weekend of August, what are you doing then?
Him: Sorry, it’s just really hectic around then, it’s just a really busy time of year! Can we think about another time and get back to you?
Them: We’d like to visit in August, what weekends are you not away?

He has done this before:
Him: August looks really tricky, how about October.
Them: That’s such a shame you’re not able to see us sooner. Is there not a few days you’re free in August? We can do October but we’d like to visit for a few days in August too.

As in, they don’t take the hint at all. A lot of what he’s saying is true - we do have weddings or weekends away or other fixed commitments and we both have jobs which can be incredibly busy so he’s not making this up out of nothing. He needs a certain amount of headspace to see them so seeing them in a really busy/stressful period is even more difficult than it would be in a quieter time.

Show quote history

This is a really convoluted and weird way to respond. A normal person would say ‘can’t do that weekend because X, how about the 25th or the first weekend in September?’
Giving vague non answers would a weird way to answer a friend let alone your parents!

If they live several hours away a date clearly needs to be sorted in advance, particularly if you make yourselves seem so busy.

He either needs to just arrange a free weekend in the future he wants to see them or respond that he doesn’t want to see them because it’s strange to leave them guessing and their suggestions of future dates is just a perfectly normal thing to do.

Original poster
Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 20:39

Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 20:34

This is a really convoluted and weird way to respond. A normal person would say ‘can’t do that weekend because X, how about the 25th or the first weekend in September?’
Giving vague non answers would a weird way to answer a friend let alone your parents!

If they live several hours away a date clearly needs to be sorted in advance, particularly if you make yourselves seem so busy.

He either needs to just arrange a free weekend in the future he wants to see them or respond that he doesn’t want to see them because it’s strange to leave them guessing and their suggestions of future dates is just a perfectly normal thing to do.

Show quote history

That’s what he’s tried though - as I was trying to explain in my post.

They ask ‘Can you do X date in august’ and he could say ‘no we can’t do that weekend, it’s really busy around then - how about Y weekend in October’ (later on in the year). Then they say ‘But that’s so far away, we want to do sooner!’ So they won’t take no for an answer.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 12/07/2023 20:42

You say your DH is low contact, but it doesn’t sound like he’s told his parents that.

Lefteyetwitch · 12/07/2023 20:43

Wiennetta · 12/07/2023 20:34

I guess that’s what I’m asking - what would he say?

The truthful answer is he doesn’t want to see them, as contact with them really upsets and stresses him out, and he can only cope with limited contact. But if he gave them the truth, they’d be really upset and probably then go on to make him feel really guilty about it.

Show quote history

The he needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with it. He's being absolutely ridiculous and I've have no patience for him being silly about it

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/07/2023 20:43

He just needs to be clearer. "We can't do August or September at all. We'll come and see you in October, at half term if that suits you."

Blueskyfordays · 12/07/2023 20:46

I think he’s going to have to be a bit more blunt/ rude.

My MIL is like this. It’s infuriating.

For the August convo for example he could say ‘we’re not free any weekends in August or September so I’m sorry, it’s going to have to be October.’