To not know how to turn down seeing family?

[Wiennetta]

Having a real issue with my in-laws. My DH is low-contact for good reasons and although he wants to maintain a cordial relationship with his parents, he keeps it minimal for his own mental health - once or twice a year in person and phone call catch ups every month or so.

The problem is, they don’t take the hint when he’s not up for seeing them and are very persistent.

For example, they’ll ask to visit. He’ll say something along the lines of ‘Oh it’s really hectic for us at that time/we’re thinking of booking a holiday around then so not sure if we’d be free/work is going to be very busy then so it’s just not the best time’ and rather than take the hint and ease off, they’ll keep asking until they get a date (eg ‘how about the following week/month?’).

If I asked someone if they wanted to meet up and they replied with something like that, I’d probably say ‘no worries, would be great to see you another time - let’s keep in touch’ and leave the ball in their court. But no they just keep asking and asking.

My AIBU question is do we just keep politely but indirectly turning them down or explain why we don’t see them? DH’s concern is by being direct he’ll cause more upset and potentially irreparable damage. It’s less damaging to just pretend we’re too busy, etc, but it’s tricky when they don’t take the hint.

It is infuriating! The last time he said ‘we’re not free any weekends in September’ they said ‘What about some weekdays?’

It’s clear he does need to say something but how do you say to someone you don’t really want to see them?

He needs to be more direct.
“Maybe October would be OK”
”But we would like to see you in August”
”No, October works for me, any date before then doesnt”

I think he just needs to say ‘I’m really sorry but we have really busy lives and I just don’t need as frequent contact as you guys do. At the moment I really don’t have time do much more than a couple of long weekends a year.’

Do they realise they don’t have a great relationship with their son? It sounds like they’re oblivious!

Thanks, that sounds like a good approach.

No they don’t realise - they are oblivious. He’s tried to talk to them about it before but they do not listen or engage.

He needs to say what he means. No one hints to family. You might hint to a recent acquaintance you're trying to phase out politely. He needs to spell it out. It would be too much for me to see you so soon after your last visit. Twice a year works for me. Let's leave it til November.

He can't have it all ways: keep a relationship with them but see them infrequently if they don't know he doesn't want to see them.

Sounds like they really want to see him.

"I'm sorry I understand its upsetting but this is the way it is. Either you're upset or I'm upset. This is bad situation all round. We are where we are. How's November for you?"

Be more honest.

We're NC with some relatives, and found giving the least amount of information was key.

My DH was like yours, giving far too much information and therefore his relatives thought they were "helping" us to find a resolution to it.

So August conversation could go "Sorry, we don't have any free weekends until October. We can do X date or X date."

If they replied saying they wanted it to be sooner or weekday "Sorry we don't have any free weekends until the date I already suggested and obviously we're working weekdays"

If they replied pushing back against it one more he'd just ignore it.

You've said your DH is trying to avoid conflict, but honestly sometimes a bit of conflict can be a good thing...especially if their badgering him and not respecting his boundaries is as bad as it sounds.

OP’s in laws sound exactly like my father in law, so I’m not trying to speak for OP here but just from my experience - DH and I have been very clear to FIL what the exact issue is many times (can you imagine how awkward that position is to be in, as a DIL??) but he just will. not. hear. it. And he will NOT reciprocate, will not do me the service of putting himself in the uncomfortable position of telling me exactly why he dislikes me. Even though I’ve done that for him (at his request! Obviously I wouldn’t unless requested!). So ‘tell them what the problem is’ is not a fail safe solution unfortunately. Many people are very controlling and will not entertain anything that doesn’t suit their narrative.

@PerspiringElizabeth agreed. Mine are very similar. When told exactly what the problem was, denied everything and then a week later back to same old behaviour. It's been six years since I have had any contact with them and my husband still gets "when will we see Liverpool". Never until you acknowledge your appalling behaviour and apologise. Literally no point telling them that anymore though.

@PerspiringElizabeth sorry to hear about your experience. DH’s parents can be like that - he has actually talked to them but they won’t listen to him or engage and I don’t think there’s any real chance of them changing.

It is really useful to hear everyone’s thoughts. The consensus is he needs to be more direct and clearer so that’s what we’ll try. Thanks everyone.

I think I'd approach it like this, broken record with a worse offer thrown in to the mix so they feel good at agreeing to your original offer:

Them: Can we visit the first weekend of August?
Him: We’re away that weekend and have plans for the others that month. How about October?
Them: What about the second weekend of August, what are you doing then?
Him: As I said, we're busy that weekend. October is good for us.
Them: We’d like to visit in August, what weekends are you not away?
Him: August is not possible. October works, or November if that's better for you. But we're not free before then.

This had just brought back memories of a conversation I had with my sister and BIL, many years ago and I now fear that the above won't work. If people don't want to accept your answer they won't.

I would take charge. Work out what's a frequency that's acceptable to you both and then tell them you want to put dates in the diary for months ahead because you are all so busy. And last minute work issues come
Up so often. You can then be noncommittal about other dates and treat them on a more ad hoc basis. If they've got something planned in then maybe they will back off?

I don't know about this, depends what the reason for no contact is as it just really reminds me of what my brother did to my parents when his girlfriend at the time was isolating him from the family, it was utterly devastating for my parents. I look at my little boy and can't imagine only seeing him twice a year as an adult. My brother finally woke up and left GF (after 10 years!).

@Eventhedog he has good reason. And I don’t even think twice a year is that infrequent TBH - lots of my friends (in their 30s/40s) live in different countries or otherwise quite far away from families so don’t see them loads. People who have moved for jobs, lifestyles, partners etc away from where they grew up.

@Eventhedog he has good reason

If he has a good reason, genuine question - why does he still want to have a relationship with them? If we can understand that, then maybe we can be more helpful in terms of things to say.

I also suspect his relative spinelessness is due to the way he's been treated in the past, that for whatever reason he was taught that his thoughts and feelings didn't matter so he learned to shut up. In which case it's not entirely his fault that he finds it difficult to stand up to them.

@Wiennetta

^*He has done this before:
Him: August looks really tricky, how about October.
Them: That’s such a shame you’re not able to see us sooner. Is there not a few days you’re free in August? We can do October but we’d like to visit for a few days in August too. *^

He could try
"August does not work for us at all so there's no point in looking at that month. I could, however, do XXX In October from X day until X day. If October doesn't work I can do X days in November." 🌹

This^
I think, without being too unkind, he needs to let them know he will only be seeing them 3 times a year or whatever.
Them "so what about a date in august?"
DH "No that's too soon for me, I only saw you in June so the earliest I want to meet again is October. How about the 2nd weekend in October?"
Them " But we want to see you in August "
DH " no that's too soon for me. Let's book it in for 2nd weekend in October if you're free them".
And repeat.

Let him deal with it, don't do any correspondence with them other than redirect back to him