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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tween bday party - am I being a bitch?

48 replies

Roastingcoffee · 12/07/2023 10:05

Tween birthday party this weekend. Numbers confirmed before booking 6 weeks ago. It’s a small party but expensive. Numbers important because it’s an activity that requires an even number. I sent out a reminder to parents and one mum replied saying she wasn’t sure if her DC could come now because it’s a bit complicated with their hobby and their sibling’s hobby and she is so busy and she doesn’t want to do more ferrying etc etc

I have offered to take her dc but that doesn’t fit in with the hobby. I asked her to let me know for sure so I can offer the space to someone else but she says she doesn’t know.

am I being a bitch for being so pissed off? She keeps sending jokey texts about how busy she is and how it’s all such a juggling act. I get it, but I wish she didn’t see my dc’s party as a chore. Or at least, I wish she didn’t tell me about it.

And all the time it’s just more work for me isn’t it? Now I have to manage a disappointed dc, who will be upset their friend can’t make the effort, and who won’t be able to have the party they wanted as a result.

OP posts:
Toniii · 12/07/2023 10:11

I get what you mean, but just tell her you are offering the space to someone else as you need even numbers....decision made! No faffing waiting for someone to decide if your daughters party is important enough!

JudgeRudy · 12/07/2023 10:11

That's a decline in my book. Send one last text to 'cover yourself' but be very specific eg l appreciate you have some challenges with logistics however I need a definite yes by DATE. If she says yes when she is knowingly unsure then doesn't turn up, I'd be furious and it would affect future interactions.
I'd also be asking your daughter to check with her friend what she wants/intends to do.

CubDeCap · 12/07/2023 10:11

I'd send a separate message to the Mum - not part of the group chat. Say simply that the activity requires pairs - can she definitely confirm today please.

People can be so unhelpful about parties - drives me crackers too!

TolkiensFallow · 12/07/2023 10:13

This is irritating, I’d give her a deadline to confirm by and if she doesn’t reply by that date, let her know that her child can’t be included.

what is “tween”?

BellaJuno · 12/07/2023 10:16

I’d tell her to confirm by a set date and time or else you’ll have to assume it’s a decline and get someone else to take her place.

ChateauMargaux · 12/07/2023 10:17

Find another child to make up the numbers. Reply: sorry Peter can't make it to the party. It sounds like you are all quite busy. It was not my intention to add to your load. I have confirmed thhe numbers today. I hope Peter can come another day for a playdate. Let me know when might work.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 12/07/2023 10:17

Hi X Mum, just a quick text to let you know that if you've not confirmed if x can come the the party by the end of today I'm afraid I'll have to give his/her spot to another child. Hoping he/she can make it. Thanks RoastingCoffee

Meeting · 12/07/2023 10:19

Definitely give a deadline.

"Hi X, I'll need a definite answer by friday as I need to confirm with venue."

Original poster
Roastingcoffee · 12/07/2023 10:19

Thanks all. I gave her a deadline of yesterday but she said she can’t tell yet. Maybe I’m misreading the signs and what she actually means is ‘no.’ She just doesn’t want to say it.

I guess it ties into my own insecurities about friendships! My family doesn’t do expensive hobbies and now that we’re reaching the end of primary, I’ve noticed how some parents who were really friendly when the kids were younger are pulling away. I guess they were only friends because they might need childcare. But now my family is no longer useful so we’re not worth the effort.

OP posts:
Dragonsandcats · 12/07/2023 10:20

i would take that as a a no and invite someone else. Make sure you tell her though so she doesn’t turn up!

Alsonification · 12/07/2023 10:21

I actually wouldn't give her the option anymore. My worry would be she'd say she's going & then on the day she'd cancel leaving it too late it invite anyone else.

I think id send;

Hey X, no worries. I know it's difficult for you so I've offered the place to someone else as we need definite even numbers for the activity to go ahead. Maybe the kids can meet up another time? See u soon.
Roasting coffee.

Athrawes · 12/07/2023 10:22

ChateauMargaux · 12/07/2023 10:17

Find another child to make up the numbers. Reply: sorry Peter can't make it to the party. It sounds like you are all quite busy. It was not my intention to add to your load. I have confirmed thhe numbers today. I hope Peter can come another day for a playdate. Let me know when might work.

This

TempName247 · 12/07/2023 10:26

The thing is though, another child may be ill on the day and you could be left with uneven numbers anyway so you would need a back up plan. I still would say you need confirmation by X date though.

Original poster
Roastingcoffee · 12/07/2023 10:30

I guess the numbers thing is less upsetting to me than the fact that my dc’s party is just another chore, and that tells me a lot about the friendship I thought I had with this mum.

thank you everyone. You’ve made me realise that it’s not really a problem about the party, more that my feelings are hurt because I thought me and this other mum were friends. Not only does she not care about my dc, she also doesn’t care enough about me to be straight with me. Which is fine. Now I know and can move on!

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 12/07/2023 10:35

She doesn't care, and she's a flake, she's just using the busy card as an excuse. I'd cut this one loose and don't assume the mother of your child's friend is your friend just because you get on well at the school gate/on playmates etc. Good luck with the party.

Original poster
Roastingcoffee · 12/07/2023 10:39

CalistoNoSolo · 12/07/2023 10:35

She doesn't care, and she's a flake, she's just using the busy card as an excuse. I'd cut this one loose and don't assume the mother of your child's friend is your friend just because you get on well at the school gate/on playmates etc. Good luck with the party.

You’re right

OP posts:
wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 10:43

ChateauMargaux · 12/07/2023 10:17

Find another child to make up the numbers. Reply: sorry Peter can't make it to the party. It sounds like you are all quite busy. It was not my intention to add to your load. I have confirmed thhe numbers today. I hope Peter can come another day for a playdate. Let me know when might work.

that but with added I've offered the place to someone else as we need definite even numbers for the activity to go ahead.

to be very clear.

She's not "busy", she is disorganised and flakey. Don't feel bad, she doesn't!

WillyLows · 12/07/2023 10:44

You gave a deadline and she didn't meet it. Job done. Offer the place to another child. All you need to worry about is doing your best to make the party enjoyable for your child, not this rude, thoughtless "friend".

ChateauMargaux · 12/07/2023 10:46

I wouldn't mention offering the place to another child.. it opens up space for discussion, for you to become the bad guy in this, for you to have prioritised someone over your son. Keep that gate closed!! And don't say sorry...

GerbilsForever24 · 12/07/2023 10:48

The other parent is doing the FOMO thing. She probably does want the kid to go tot he party, but she can't work out how to make it work and is n't willing to make a decision.

Tell her you've had to offer the place to someone else but your DD is looking forward to seeing her at another activity or whatever.

Bellaboo01 · 12/07/2023 10:54

Roastingcoffee · 12/07/2023 10:05

Tween birthday party this weekend. Numbers confirmed before booking 6 weeks ago. It’s a small party but expensive. Numbers important because it’s an activity that requires an even number. I sent out a reminder to parents and one mum replied saying she wasn’t sure if her DC could come now because it’s a bit complicated with their hobby and their sibling’s hobby and she is so busy and she doesn’t want to do more ferrying etc etc

I have offered to take her dc but that doesn’t fit in with the hobby. I asked her to let me know for sure so I can offer the space to someone else but she says she doesn’t know.

am I being a bitch for being so pissed off? She keeps sending jokey texts about how busy she is and how it’s all such a juggling act. I get it, but I wish she didn’t see my dc’s party as a chore. Or at least, I wish she didn’t tell me about it.

And all the time it’s just more work for me isn’t it? Now I have to manage a disappointed dc, who will be upset their friend can’t make the effort, and who won’t be able to have the party they wanted as a result.

What is a Tween Birthday? How old does that make them?

What is the party?

Sounds like her friend's Mum is being very awkward which is really horrible but, i'd maybe assume they weren't coming and offer the place to someone else.

blackbeardsballsack · 12/07/2023 10:56

She's no busier than the rest of us, including you. Some people are so rude. Imagine leaving someone hanging when they have kindly invited you to their child's party (and offered lifts) because you haven't decided whether you can be bothered fitting it in or not.

When my DC had their party in year 6, I had to pay per head for a really cool activity. I picked them all up and dropped them all off (because, you know, every other parent is just so busy). One of his best friend's parents messaged me an hour before saying that he was not well but then blatantly had photos on their Facebook later on, of him on a day trip with a better offer. Most of them didn't even get my DC a card. One mum wasn't even at home when I attempted to drop her DC off, after having 8 of them all day.

It really brought home to me how shit lots of people are.

Original poster
Roastingcoffee · 12/07/2023 10:59

Sorry - trying to be vague because I don’t want to be outing! Tween is the years before teenager - 11/12

not going to say what the activity is but it’s a guided activity and a party package with food etc. have actually realised I’m not bothered at all about the party, which I will make work. Just disappointed in someone i thought was a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roastingcoffee · 12/07/2023 11:01

blackbeardsballsack · 12/07/2023 10:56

She's no busier than the rest of us, including you. Some people are so rude. Imagine leaving someone hanging when they have kindly invited you to their child's party (and offered lifts) because you haven't decided whether you can be bothered fitting it in or not.

When my DC had their party in year 6, I had to pay per head for a really cool activity. I picked them all up and dropped them all off (because, you know, every other parent is just so busy). One of his best friend's parents messaged me an hour before saying that he was not well but then blatantly had photos on their Facebook later on, of him on a day trip with a better offer. Most of them didn't even get my DC a card. One mum wasn't even at home when I attempted to drop her DC off, after having 8 of them all day.

It really brought home to me how shit lots of people are.

Thank you, and I’m so sorry that happened. I don’t understand why people behave like that. It’s not an example I would want to set for my own children

OP posts:
Pigsears · 12/07/2023 11:09

The parent may genuinely not know re hobby- but the right thing for them to do would be to make a decision and not hedge their bets.

It doesn't make your child less important or their birthday less important.. it just means the other parent is a bit of a ditherer.