Page 2 | Tween bday party - am I being a bitch?

Roastingcoffee · 2023-07-12T09:05:20+00:00

Tween birthday party this weekend. Numbers confirmed before booking 6 weeks ago. It’s a small party but expensive. Numbers important because it’s an activity that requires an even number. I sent out a reminder to parents and one mum replied saying she wasn’t sure if her DC could come now because it’s a bit complicated with their hobby and their sibling’s hobby and she is so busy and she doesn’t want to do more ferrying etc etc I have offered to take her dc but that doesn’t fit in with the hobby. I asked her to let me know for sure so I can offer the space to someone else but she says she doesn’t know. am I being a bitch for being so pissed off? She keeps sending jokey texts about how busy she is and how it’s all such a juggling act. I get it, but I wish she didn’t see my dc’s party as a chore. Or at least, I wish she didn’t tell me about it. And all the time it’s just more work for me isn’t it? Now I have to manage a disappointed dc, who will be upset their friend can’t make the effort, and who won’t be able to have the party they wanted as a result.

Mortimermay · 12/07/2023 11:14

As the parent of a child who does lots of extra curricular activities, I can sympathise in some ways with the parent who maybe genuinely doesn't know whether their child can be available - depending on the hobby it may be a specific class they have to attend or a requirement of them being part of a team. My child has unfortunately missed several parties due to other commitments and it doesn't mean that we don't care about the parent or the child. For example if not going to a class means losing a spot on a team they've worked all year for to go to one birthday party, then it may be a really tough choice that the parent is trying to work out. So I wouldn't take it personally.
However, they should have been clearer with you and explained what the issue is long before now.

SunnyFrost · 12/07/2023 11:21

Send (as a WhatsApp quoting your message with the deadline, if possible):

‘Dear cf mum, as we didn’t hear from you I’ve assumed that unfortunately X can’t make the party and will offer her space to someone else so we have the balanced numbers the activity needs. Really sorry she won’t be able to come’.

Job done. Poor child that misses out because of her awful rude mother!

Positive41 · 12/07/2023 11:40

If you're offering a place to another child, you'll need to get on and do it as that child will need notice. People like your friend drive me mad! I wouldn't bother with her again. Have a great party!

Anewuser · 12/07/2023 11:51

CF mum is just rude. There is no excuse, she’s just disorganised or self absorbed. If child has another activity/hobby, then just be honest to say, unfortunately can’t make party due to other commitments but hope they have a good time. Everyone knows where they stand and no one is upset.

Hope your party is a great success.

Understand you thought you mums were friends but don’t worry, it all drops off as they get to secondary school anyway.

Tinkerbyebye · 12/07/2023 11:54

Mortimermay · 12/07/2023 11:14

As the parent of a child who does lots of extra curricular activities, I can sympathise in some ways with the parent who maybe genuinely doesn't know whether their child can be available - depending on the hobby it may be a specific class they have to attend or a requirement of them being part of a team. My child has unfortunately missed several parties due to other commitments and it doesn't mean that we don't care about the parent or the child. For example if not going to a class means losing a spot on a team they've worked all year for to go to one birthday party, then it may be a really tough choice that the parent is trying to work out. So I wouldn't take it personally.
However, they should have been clearer with you and explained what the issue is long before now.

Tosh

you either agree to attend, even if that means missing the extra curricular activity, or you say no you can’t make it

its as simple as that

stayathomer · 12/07/2023 11:54

It honestly might not be about friendship though op, a lot on mn will disagree but sometimes it is just that you’re being pulled in all directions and don’t have the same time/opportunities others have. I used to have to pull out of a lot of things, I work in retail so never know my hours and was always juggling with the 4 kids, that mum might just not be able to work it out or yes might see the party as a chore but more because she’s just tired (same for sahms too, sometimes I just wanted to be at home!). The mums who feel like they’re pulling away might just have their own stuff to deal with

Mariposista · 12/07/2023 11:55

What a selfish woman. shame for the child and your dd, but proceed without her

SunnyFrost · 12/07/2023 11:58

All those saying she probably genuinely doesn’t know what’s going on - fair enough, so in that case you respect the fact that your dithering is your own problem and if the party host quite reasonably needs a firm answer, you say no so that they can invite someone else. You don’t make your own chaotic situation a problem that negatively affects other people! It’s the complete lack of consideration here that’s the issue, it’s so arrogant and entitled to assume everyone else can wait around for you.

thaegumathteth · 12/07/2023 11:59

Mortimermay · 12/07/2023 11:14

As the parent of a child who does lots of extra curricular activities, I can sympathise in some ways with the parent who maybe genuinely doesn't know whether their child can be available - depending on the hobby it may be a specific class they have to attend or a requirement of them being part of a team. My child has unfortunately missed several parties due to other commitments and it doesn't mean that we don't care about the parent or the child. For example if not going to a class means losing a spot on a team they've worked all year for to go to one birthday party, then it may be a really tough choice that the parent is trying to work out. So I wouldn't take it personally.
However, they should have been clearer with you and explained what the issue is long before now.

Yes but none of that info needs to be passed on to the person inviting the child.

You get the invite
You check if dc can attend
If no or unsure you say I'm sorry dc has a commitment that day

You do not act like you're the only parent with kids with hobbies or that you're just so much busier than everyone else. You're not,

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 12:05

Tinkerbyebye · 12/07/2023 11:54

Tosh

you either agree to attend, even if that means missing the extra curricular activity, or you say no you can’t make it

its as simple as that

Show quote history

absolutely.

Most if not all the other children have clubs and commitments, most or all the other parents have jobs/ family/ commitments to juggle.

The only ones who are making jokes about how "busy busy busy" their life are rude and trying to make themselves important. We are all busy. The parents who are REALLY struggling more than average, you don't hear a pip from them, they'll quietly decline and don't make a fuss.

TheOrigRights · 12/07/2023 12:15

TolkiensFallow · 12/07/2023 10:13

This is irritating, I’d give her a deadline to confirm by and if she doesn’t reply by that date, let her know that her child can’t be included.

what is “tween”?

A tween is the age when they're too old to be little kids, but not yet teenagers, so 11 and 12 or so.

drpet49 · 12/07/2023 12:16

Toniii · 12/07/2023 10:11

I get what you mean, but just tell her you are offering the space to someone else as you need even numbers....decision made! No faffing waiting for someone to decide if your daughters party is important enough!

This. She is being a dick.

Hufflemuff · 12/07/2023 12:37

Roastingcoffee · 12/07/2023 10:19

Thanks all. I gave her a deadline of yesterday but she said she can’t tell yet. Maybe I’m misreading the signs and what she actually means is ‘no.’ She just doesn’t want to say it.

I guess it ties into my own insecurities about friendships! My family doesn’t do expensive hobbies and now that we’re reaching the end of primary, I’ve noticed how some parents who were really friendly when the kids were younger are pulling away. I guess they were only friends because they might need childcare. But now my family is no longer useful so we’re not worth the effort.

Aww bless you, this made me sad for you x

I would say that you need an answer by a certain date, you totally understand if she cant commit because of the hobby - but to ensure even numbers (which is important) you will need to invite another child to fill the spot! I am sure her daughter would be livid at her Mum declining the invite.

blackbeardsballsack · 12/07/2023 12:42

Mortimermay · 12/07/2023 11:14

As the parent of a child who does lots of extra curricular activities, I can sympathise in some ways with the parent who maybe genuinely doesn't know whether their child can be available - depending on the hobby it may be a specific class they have to attend or a requirement of them being part of a team. My child has unfortunately missed several parties due to other commitments and it doesn't mean that we don't care about the parent or the child. For example if not going to a class means losing a spot on a team they've worked all year for to go to one birthday party, then it may be a really tough choice that the parent is trying to work out. So I wouldn't take it personally.
However, they should have been clearer with you and explained what the issue is long before now.

As a parent of a child who also does lots of extra curricular activities (like loads of children) I either:

Say ' thanks for the invite, he would love to come' and he doesn't go to his activity that day
Say 'thanks for the invite, he would have loved to have come but he has a competition on that day that he can't miss'

The parent in OP's situation is being rude and self absorbed.

PomTiddlyPomPom · 12/07/2023 13:14

Mortimermay · 12/07/2023 11:14

As the parent of a child who does lots of extra curricular activities, I can sympathise in some ways with the parent who maybe genuinely doesn't know whether their child can be available - depending on the hobby it may be a specific class they have to attend or a requirement of them being part of a team. My child has unfortunately missed several parties due to other commitments and it doesn't mean that we don't care about the parent or the child. For example if not going to a class means losing a spot on a team they've worked all year for to go to one birthday party, then it may be a really tough choice that the parent is trying to work out. So I wouldn't take it personally.
However, they should have been clearer with you and explained what the issue is long before now.

As the parent of two children that do lots of extra curricular activities and the only driver in the family I would have thanked OP for the invite and declined attending as I couldn't confirm that we would definitely be able to be there.
What I wouldn't do is assume that I am the busiest parent on the planet and mess someone else around.

JenniferBarkley · 12/07/2023 13:52

Roastingcoffee · 12/07/2023 10:30

I guess the numbers thing is less upsetting to me than the fact that my dc’s party is just another chore, and that tells me a lot about the friendship I thought I had with this mum.

thank you everyone. You’ve made me realise that it’s not really a problem about the party, more that my feelings are hurt because I thought me and this other mum were friends. Not only does she not care about my dc, she also doesn’t care enough about me to be straight with me. Which is fine. Now I know and can move on!

In fairness, children's parties are chores for the grown-ups - another thing to fit into busy schedules, adding to the mental load. We do them because our kids enjoy them and it helps them build and maintain friendships, and sometimes we're even close enough to the birthday child and their family to care a little. But if you could wave a magic wand and remove the notion of birthday parties from our collective consciousness, I bet lots of parents would jump at the chance.

I'd take her at her word, she'd like to make it but just doesn't know if she can. But from your pov that won't work this time so you'll have to say no.

Don't take it personally. Maybe if it was another friend she would've just said no from the off but for this one she's just hoping she can make it.

LuvSmallDogs · 12/07/2023 13:59

If you were my mate and I genuinely couldn't commit to the party for whatever reason, I would be upfront and offer to have you and DC round on X day to give them their prezzie and card. Maybe get nicer snacks or whatever than the kids would usually have to make it a bit of a treat.

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 14:40

In fairness, children's parties are chores for the grown-ups - another thing to fit into busy schedules, adding to the mental load.

to organise? yes.

As a way to entertain your child for 2 or 3 hours and let them experience things you wouldn't have booked yourself with their friends? I love kids parties.

Most parents I know love them too - very cheap way to entertain your child guilt-free. If it clashes with something else, you decline. If not, what mental load does it add? Deciding on what clothes to wear for your child ? Unlikely😂

Bookworm20 · 12/07/2023 14:46

I'd just message her now and say Hi (selfish parent), As you haven't been able to give a definite yes I am going to have to assume susie can't make it and offer the place to another child, as its important the activity we had booked has even numbers. maybe the girls can get together another day when susie is less busy.

She is being really selfish. If I was unsure if my dc could attend a party because of hobbies I would just decline. But who on earth doesn't know the hobby schedule until a day in advance. You make a choice. Commit to the party invite and then miss out on the hobby that apparently has such short notice of when its on, or decline the party. You don't just go, well i'll have to wait and see!

Maddy70 · 12/07/2023 14:55

Just say please confirm by 2 o'clock or I will offer her place to someone else

EsmeSusanOgg · 12/07/2023 15:23

Toniii · 12/07/2023 10:11

I get what you mean, but just tell her you are offering the space to someone else as you need even numbers....decision made! No faffing waiting for someone to decide if your daughters party is important enough!

This. Don't wait for her dithering!

cheerypip · 12/07/2023 15:26

My DS is involved with an out of school theatre group that are notorious for adding in extra rehearsals at the last minute. It has caused problems like this for me when I know there is likely to be a rehearsal added in but I genuinely don't know when. And if it was a close friend he would also have really wanted to go to the party and been upset to miss out, esp if the rehearsal ended up on another night.

However in this situation, I would have been up front with his friend's mum, I would have understood if she had to go ahead and confirm the numbers without his, and I would probably have suggested organising for them to play together another time myself.

So, yes, I agree with PP that she is flakey.

Mortimermay · 12/07/2023 21:58

Not sure why so many posters are piling in on my comment. I clearly said in the last line that the mum should have been upfront about her situation long ago. I was pointing out that the OP shouldn't take it personally and that it wasn't a sign that they didn't care about the parent or the child (which had been a concern).
As the last poster has said, and as I also did, there may be a number of reasons that the mum genuinely doesn't know whether their child is going to be available yet e.g. last minute rehearsal, competition etc. Yes they should have been upfront about that but they may genuinely have been hoping that the child could still go and they would hear about it.