To describe my brother's actions as a sexual assault

[Stillanothernamechange]

My brother lives with my family (me, DH, 2 small children). He is neurodivergent and sometimes finds life a challenge. But usually he is an extremely kind, selfless person.

Earlier this year we had an au pair who was romantically interested in him (at some point she drunkenly told him that she was falling in love with him). I made it pretty clear to him that it was not appropriate for him to be pursuing a romantic relationship with her; she's (early-mid-20s) over 10 years younger than him, the power imbalance obviously was huge, and frankly I didn't want to have to deal with the complications that could arise from a relationship turning sour between two people living in my house. They both told me they weren't interested in a relationship with each other (my brother was just coming out of a long and, in my opinion, horrible relationship).

They were often going out together or staying up late drinking together; I was happy for her that she had fun things to do but to be perfectly honest the late nights sometimes led to her being tired and grumpy when she was supposed to be working (and my brother's drinking has been a concern for a long time). What I didn't know was that when they were drunk they were - I guess the best term would be 'fooling around' (I have zero interest in learning the details; I know they weren't sleeping together). What I also didn't know was that at some point this did turn sour from the au pair's point of view, and that my brother didn't notice. (My best guess having spoken to her a bit is that she realised he also wasn't interested in a relationship with her, and given their continuing physical contact she felt a bit used and hurt - despite her saying the same about him. That's just my conjecture though.)

This all came to a head a month or so ago when they got home at 2am, my brother woke us up being loud and drunk, and the next morning we found out that one of his friends (I'm going to call him Jack) had slept on the au pair's floor. We had a serious conversation with my brother about his drinking, and spelled out that he had a choice to make between his current lifestyle and continuing to live in our home. AFTER having that conversation with him, the au pair (this is starting to feel a bit depersonalising; let's call her Sophie) said she needed to talk to us. She told us that the reason 'Jack' had slept on her floor is because he'd witnessed my brother's behaviour towards 'Sophie' and been horrified, and felt that she might need some security. Sophie told us that for some time she'd been avoiding my brother when he was drunk, because he was a bit handsy. She didn't tell us exactly what had been happening, and the conversation was clearly extremely difficult for her so I wasn't pressing her for details. The next day I spoke to Jack and he described what my brother had done as 'sort of tonguing her neck'. The important point here really is that an independent witness saw the behaviour, clearly understood that it wasn't consensual, and was appalled by it (Jack said many times that if he hadn't witnessed this himself he never would have believed my brother would have done something like this).

My husband and I were obviously completely horrified. This is a young woman we feel responsible for who didn't feel safe in her own living space because of predatory behaviour. My mum came down on the train and spent the evening talking to my brother, and he enrolled in an alcoholics programme. Sophie said she wasn't 'bothered' about it, but a week or so later she left giving us 3 days notice. There were, unrelated, issues with Sophie: we had noticed that things she said didn't always match up to her behaviour, and the day she gave us notice the manager of a local community centre had just contacted me and told me Sophie wasn't taking care of our toddler at all when they visited it together, to the point where he was at risk of seriously hurting himself (another parent on the school run has since told me he observed concerning behaviour by her around our children). But this is getting really long so I guess I'd better cut to my real issue, which is that I feel some of my family are massively minimising what my brother did. I spoke to my other brother about it recently and when I described it as sexual assault, he said "a lot of the rhetoric used regarding that incident has been completely over the top" and that Sophie "had given [my brother] reason on previous occasions to believe that she was consenting". I still can't believe that a member of my own family thinks like this about sexual assault - like, what the fuck is the relevance of her consenting on a previous occasion?

So: AIBU? Is this an extremely serious event which everyone in the family should be taking seriously? Or an understandable drunken mistake? For the record, the 'drunken octopus-hands' brother, as far as I know, is taking it seriously. It's the other one who doesn't seem to be.

If he's too ND to work this out, he's the one been taken advantage of, IMO.

She's messed with a vulnerable person and now she can't easily fuck him off cos he don't take cues, can't deal withthe fall out. This is why you don't get involved with VP as a fuck buddy 🙄

From my OP:

"They both told me they weren't interested in a relationship with each other... What I DIDN'T know was that when they were drunk they were - I guess the best term would be 'fooling around'. "

Hope that helps.

I doubt this is a ND thing but more of a toxic male entitlement thing. You don't need to be NT to know not to slobber down a girl's neck in public.

The whole thing sounds highly unprofessional and you should have put a stop to it, but I suppose a shit au pair was better than no au pair.

Should have been nipped in the bud before it got to this tbh.
Jack slept on her floor because he thought he might have a chance too.

He has said recently that he finds it hard to cut down on drinking because it's the only thing in life he really looks forward to (obviously this is a big problem and one I am trying to find ways to address with him).

This jumps out at me.

Why on earth are you finding ways to address this for him?

He's a grown man. He's not your child. You need to get therapy, now, about putting up some boundaries with your family because living with a drunk brother who is being inappropriate with your childcare is not sustainable or healthy for your children and your family.

I would be looking to sell the house and stop enabling his behaviour. You're not helping him and you have your own children to take care of.

YANBU

And this isn't a "neurodivergent so give him a free pass" kind of thing. Neurodivergent people can definitely tell the difference between right and wrong and are just as capable of being misogynistic arseholes as neurotypical people.

No au pair is definitely better! Life has been much easier since she moved out. But I obviously wasn't going to ask her to leave because someone slobbered down her neck... (I was going to ask her to leave once I found out she wasn't taking care of my toddler.)

To be clear as this has come up a few times: once I found out what had been going on between them, I absolutely 'put a stop to it'. They had both given me reason to believe that nothing like this was happening. (In fact I'd asked my brother directly if they were just two people who enjoyed each other's company on a friendly basis - and yes, I feel there was some deception and am angry about that also.)

I do not think it would have been appropriate, prior to that discovery, to tell her who she could and couldn't have a social life with. Au pairs are entitled to time off when they can go out and do what they want.

To be totally honest, the fact that you had both of these people around your children, both of which displayed concerning behaviour, is very neglectful. I would never in a million years have allowed my situation to end up in the one you were in.

You need to sell up, I think. While your brother may be trying to address his alcohol problem, I wouldn't want to bring my kids up around it. It doesn't sound like it's something he's altogether on board with stopping, so the chances are high he'll relapse and alcoholism is just not something your kids should be living with.

God, how unsavoury that all this is going on under your roof with your children close by.

Yes it is assault, if the au pair doesn’t grasp the definition of assault that doesn’t change what it was.

Your first priority is to your children not your alcoholic brother. If he was their father people would be telling you to LTB. Having him living with them as an uncle is just as bad.

I think younger quote naive ti believe noting was going on given the circumstances but that's not really relevant. This all sounds very messy to be going on in a house with 2 young dc. It's very damaging growing up in a house with an alcoholic seeing them come home drunk/being hungover and this one isn't even a parent so even less justification to be there.

It's really pointless to be trying to analyse what happens and trying to apportion blame. What are you trying to achieve? What difference will it make?

Any 'talks' you think your brother needs should be happening anyway.

The OP has left and other than trying to help your brother with his alcohol problem and his difficulty with relationships and sexual boundaries nothing will change if you decide he committed a sexual assault.

Are you assuming that the OP left because of your brother or because she was reported for not looking after your kids?

This highlights one of the reasons I disapprove of people using Au pairs - (I'm not sure how they are even legal now?). They are always in a vulnerable situation.

How on earth is this helpful? Honestly, the holier than thou attitude on here sometimes…

I wasn't trying to be helpful, I was stating a fact.

Are you going to report your brother to the police? Because yy it sounds as though it was sexual assault but from what I can tell, no-one investigated this. No-one reported it. Your other family members may think the terminology is related to a conviction rather than to an action.
Jack staying in Sophie's room doesn't mean Jack's description of events is impartial.
It obviously suited you to think there was nothing going on between your brother and Sophie but tbh you and your DH (as NT and as employers and as parents) left everyone at risk. Your DB is vulnerable. Sophie was vulnerable (as a staff member living in your house). Your DCs were vulnerable to Sophie being distracted as she 'fell in love with your brother'. You're not to blame for whatever happened between them but none of this would have passed any kind of cursory risk assessment.
Rather than getting caught up on terminology, you need to think hard about childcare, about your brother's attitudes to alcohol and his suicide ideation. It may be that it's time to sell the house or add an extension/remodel it to give DB a separate access/granny flat.

Really torn here. Could it be the case he was drunk and also misread her views on him because of his ND? Could it be Sophie is a bit of a bullshitter considering she wasn't even doing her job and displayed what other parents stated was concerning behaviour? The friend sleeping on the floor is extremely odd - was this in your house? Why didn't she or the friend inform you immediately? It doesn't add up tbh.

But my primary comment is that it was completely inappropriate for you to stand back and allow an au pair to develop this kind of relationship with your family member living in the same household. She's there to do her job and to be treated pretty much like family member where appropriate, but not to develop sexual or near sexual relationship with another household member. You've all brought this mess upon yourselves.

My gut instinct is that the truth is somewhere in between here. Your brother needs a good talking to re boundaries and also treatment for alcohol addiction which seems to be in place.

Is labelling behaviour a primary concern of yours in all this?

Another way of looking at it is that it's what they routinely do.....but she was conscious of the fact there was another person present and you weren't happy about the situation so she said she wasn't into it to protect her job. The Au pair was also shit at her jobs and probably knew she had a flood of complaints coming her way, so chose to leave before being sacked.

Your brother being neurodiverse will be less aware and able to alter behaviour.

Labelling him as a sexual predator is OTT without the.full facts.

Your db needs to understand enthusiastic consent. You need a yes, you need it now (this time/every time) and it should be enthusiastic. Is the other person enthusiastic about the sexual activity? This is what all men need to understand, but your brother clearly needs to look this stuff up. It’s not difficult even for nd if you actually want consent.

To be honest, I would be selling up. Your brother is an alcoholic and I would not want my children to live with one.

Both him and Sophie sound awful and irresponsible, although the neck incident was definitely him crossing line. Again, I am not sure why you would want to have him living around your children.

The au pair doesn’t give a shit about you or your family op. If she did, she’d have cared for your dc properly. She is looking out for herself - you can’t trust any of what she says. The fact she is still in touch with your brother, as pp says, speaks volumes.

the male “I slept on her floor to protect her” friend. Really? You have swallowed that old chestnut?? Come on now. Did he ever strike you as sir Galahad before this incident?

your brother- who knows how much the nd affects him. I certainly couldn’t give a verdict over the internet. But yes the problem drinking is an issue and I would suggest the shared living arrangements.

your dm. Now this is what stood out for me. You have a student halls drama going on in your home due to your brothers antics and your dm, who doesn’t live with you, is telling you that you can’t do anything about any of it. Well she’s got it made hasn’t she? Lifelong care of polio pem child has been foisted into her daughter . You.
I know that’s harsh but you aren’t allowed to resolve your own domestic issues.

essentially op , I feel you need boundaries with your family. Counselling and a house move would probably help at this point. As others say as the dc get older and db continues drinking induced scrapes this is going to get harder.

Polio pem is meant to say problem.

Of course the brother has been taken advantage of. By a younger woman living in his house, reliant on his family for a roof over her head and wages, whom he sexually assaulted. Yep - she had all the power.

Could it be the case he was drunk and also misread her views on him because of his ND? Yes he definitely was and yes I believe he did. That doesn't make what he did ok.

Could it be Sophie is a bit of a bullshitter yes she definitely is, on some issues. I don't think she is on this one because her story is closely collaborated by the other person present (also because statistically when a woman reports an assault, is is about 500x more likely that she's telling the truth than making it up. Nearly every woman I know has been assaulted or harassed at some point; I don't know a single man who has been falsely accused).

But my primary comment is that it was completely inappropriate for you to stand back and allow an au pair to develop this kind of relationship with your family member living in the same household. Genuinely asking for advice here: what should I have done? They both told me it wasn't happening. What do I do, accuse them both of lying with absolutely no evidence? Kick her out in a foreign country on the basis of a hunch?

Is labelling behaviour a primary concern of yours in all this? The good talking to re boundaries has happened. The treatment for alcohol addiction is happening and my brother is showing every sign of being committed to it. The prevention of it happening again is taken care of as we have no intention of taking on another au pair for the moment (and if that changes, will not do so if brother's behaviour is still a concern). The labelling of behaviour (or, in my opinion, failure to label behaviour) by other family members is what I am finding very troubling. It will obviously feed into how those family members behave towards me, if they see me as blowing this all out of proportion. And could, as another poster pointed out, muddle Handsy Brother's recognition of the seriousness of his own behaviour (I don't think it will, but it is a possibility that should be acknowledged).

The au pair was an employee. Your brother is your relative, The whole thing should have been nipped in the bud long before it got to this stage. They shouldnt have been conducting an affair under your roof if you think a criminal act has taken place report it to the police.0

Yeah, I wasn't going to even try engaging with this but thanks for stepping in! (I strongly suspect Sophie is ND too - not something I asked her about because absolutely NOMB, but also if she hasn't been diagnosed that still doesn't mean she's NT - so where does that leave that particular theory...?)