I don't drink so looking for some more rounded opinions on this. Will try to keep it brief.
DH enjoys a drink but has a tendency to drink too much and doesn't know his limits. I'm just talking beer, nothing stronger.
Out with friends - fine. Gets a bit embarrassing once he reaches the drunk point but whatever, think that's pretty normal (and certainly is for others I know of his generation - 40s/50s).
However, what bothers me is he will go to the pub alone and have 3-4 pints and this then has an impact on his mood, both in terms of his anxiety/depression and in terms of the way he's able to cope (or not) with things, especially family life.
He does this when he's either feeling low already, or stressed, or is just at a loose end. He'll choose to do it instead of spending time with the family. He does it before collecting the children from childcare (both under 8).
Drinking regularly, and heavily, and as a coping mechanism, is fairly common in his wider friendship group. I'm a decade younger and it's less common among my friends/peers, many of whom either don't drink at all or are comfortable either drinking or not in social situations. Whenever we do anything as a family, it always seems to have to involve beer. I try hard not to comment as it's not my place to dictate what he does to enjoy himself but I wish we could just enjoy ourselves without going to a pub from time to time.
He is secretive about when he goes to pubs but I always know because I've known him long enough that I know the signs. He becomes less communicative by text, more forgetful, more irritable with me/the kids and has trouble sleeping, then often is horny the following day and gets frustrated by this especially as I'm rarely in the mood having experienced all the above the day prior! I don't enjoy his company at all when he's been drinking, he can be not only irritable but sometimes actively nasty to me, provoking me into arguments and so on. He lacks any patience with the kids which makes it stressful at home. And it's a cycle which keeps getting repeated, again and again.
Earlier this week I was out after work for the evening. He had some time between work and collecting the kids. He went very quiet and wasn't replying to texts until later in the evening. I suspect/know that he went for a drink, and by that I mean probably 3-4 pints. He has said nothing about this, hasn't mentioned he had a drink, but I'm 90% sure if I asked to see his bank statement it would show he did, as he was very down the following day, irritable, not sleeping well etc. As I say, I just know him and I know.
I'm uncomfortable with him being in charge of the kids after a drink and have told him this but he dismisses me and says it's normal and all parents do it. I don't drink any more but even if I did, would certainly never have more than one or two drinks if I was in sole charge of the kids (he doesn't drive but it's his impaired judgement and tendency to be easily irritated/frustrated which bother me).
He has acknowledged the solo drinking isn't helpful for his mood, and has made efforts not to do it, but always seems to return to it.
However, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and whether actually this is a totally normal thing and I should get off my sober high horse.
So AIBU?
And if I'm not, how do I talk to him about this? I'm trying hard to accept it as part of him but increasingly I'm wondering if this is just something I can't live with any more, and if it's never going to change, I'm not sure I want to be in the relationship - or subjecting the kids to it.