At wits end with DS bedtime

[whatdoido12345]

Literally as the title says. He's 4 year old with suspected ASD and the past few months have been horrendous at bedtime. He used to settle really easily and was in a good routine, now every night is a battle and we're lucky if he goes to sleep before 9:30/10.

He will not lie down in bed or settle in his room, he will get out of bed constantly, really play up, do things he shouldn't e.g. throw the duvet off, try to rip the curtains down etc. We end up giving in and taking him downstairs where he will eventually fall asleep on the sofa and be carried up. But we cannot keep doing this and I have no idea how to make it better.

It's like he cannot relax anymore. He's constantly hyper and full of energy. There seems to be no downtime anymore.

What do I do?

So sorry you're going through this and sorry I can't help. I'm looking for tips as well. 2yo wailing like a banshee at her bedroom door. I'm fucking exhausted.

@pastatriangles Same here. I've completely had enough

What is your bedtime routine?

Is it just, right it’s bed time and off to bed?

At 4, I would still be giving them a bath, and then story time in bed, and read until the settle.

Would he settle if you snuggled in with him until he falls asleep? Might take half an hour but at least you would get some evening to yourself.

@Soubriquet He absolutely hates bath time so we don't do it every night. He also doesn't like being read to so we can't do that either

I'm sure you've tried things like this already but have you tried having him listening to stories in bed? (we used to use CDs but I assume you can get them on Spotify these days)

We used to have the same issues years ago and I remember playing story CDs and just staying upstairs but not staying in their room, so I'd clean the bathroom/sort laundry and just pop in and out. Then moved on to popping downstairs to fetch something and staying away longer each time.

I'm in tears with how I feel. I never imagined being a parent would be this difficult. Does it ever get better?

It does get better. When they are old enough to understand they must go to bed, it gets a lot better.

It doesn’t help right now but I’m telling you it does get better.

Sympathy, OP.

Have you tried a weighted blanket? You can get child sized ones.

Every night I lose my patience with him and end up shouting. The guilt is consuming, but I just can't do this anymore

I have an autistic 11yo with similar issues - finds it really hard to switch off his brain.

I don't have any real answers of advice but we do follow a routine each night. Ours is 15mins chilling out time together, usually watching TV but can be anything he wants (within reason), then upstairs for wash and teeth, then I sit in bed with him and we do the same three geography games (worldle, wheretaken and globle) which he has a specific formula for doing, then he opens the window and looks outside, then I tuck him up in a specific way.

Some days the routine leaves him able to switch off fairly quickly, some days he spends a lot of time trying to get out of bed and me gently stopping him (usually verbally and not angrily at all).

I have read recently that routines and ritualistic activities reduce cortisol and relieve anxiety. His routine has been largely built and evolved by him, and it tends to gradually and very slowly change over time.

I have also just accepted that he cannot go to sleep earlier and I've reset his bedtime a bit later because I felt that spending a long time every night fighting sleep was not helping him. It seemed better, to me, for him to be more tired and therefore more ready for bed.

It's always worth remembering that while their behaviour can look 'bad' and deliberate from the outside, in reality they are really suffering in this. My dc is able to articulate sometimes that he really wants to be able to go to sleep but his brain just won't let him. He gets quite upset sometimes.

Don't know if any of that is in any way helpful. Good luck.

What about a star projector for his bedroom ceiling and a white noise generator. Let the duvet stay off and consider black out blind rather than curtains. Maybe let him potter in his room and stay there with him but with no engagement or eye contact. If he can settle on the couch he can settle on his bed. There are some good audio books for kids that have bedtime issues too and they usually work quickly. If he's using screen you can get blue light filter glasses that could help? My youngest was difficult for bed but it didn't last forever. It will get better

I have just posted similar issues with my three year old. It's shit. Like your DS she just won't switch off, none of the things people suggest work, cuddles don't work, routine makes no difference. Really struggling with it potentially being like this for a number of years.

Sounds tough. You've probably already heard or read this, but I was advised to implement a consistent morning wake up time which then made an improvement to the time that my DD9 went to sleep in the evening. We wake her up at 7am EVERY morning. She's grumpy but we persist. She's now settling half an hour earlier (at about 915) and no longer getting out of her bed to do similar things that you describe. Might be worth a try if you've not already....

Sleep clinic gave us the following advice for our ASD child:

Start off with a late bedtime - make it be about an hour before whatever time he is actually getting to sleep at the moment (for us that meant starting bedtime at 10pm to begin with)

Have a really set bedtime routine which includes:

No screen time for an hour before bed

Sleepy foods: have something not long before bed, in that last hour, bananas are good, dairy - milk, porridge is good. Basically supper can help

Do a hand eye coordination activity for 20 minutes or so. So something like lego, building a tower, jigsaw etc.

Have a bath / shower to get body temp up or if that's not tolerated (DS will only do that on set days!) gets pyjamas nice and warm before putting them on

Have bedroom quiet and dark, no toys out in the room at night, walls ideally as plain as possible in immediate view of bed.

Every 3-4 days, once the routine is in place, move the time 15 minutes earlier. So if you started with the routine from 10pm and sleep at 11pm, move it to 9.45pm and hopefully sleep at 10.45pm. Keep going until you get to the bedtime you want.

Thank you @VerityUnreasonble, they're really good tips

It worked quite well for us in getting him to settle a bit earlier / gently resetting his body clock a bit and stopped the getting out of bed a million times to tell us all the VERY IMPORTANT things he had suddenly recalled (mostly! still have the odd bad day)

I was very tired though for the first few weeks and had to remind myself that I wouldn't actually be having a more restful evening if I'd tried to get him into bed at 8 and he'd just stayed up until 11 anyway! I'd have just been more frustrated.

We did also keep a regular wake up time as mentioned above.

things that have helped with our suspected asd dc 6

weighted blanket
routine, set bedtime
blackout blinds
yoto stories (audio books no screen and he has control) with sound limits overnight set up via the app
But most of all snuggy pod blackout tent. We've just gone from still up at 9:30-10, awake for a couple of hours talking to himself in the middle of the night waking everyone up and up at first light (despite blackout blinds) Now he is asleep 7:30-8 at the latest and still asleep until 7. Completely stopped the night time wakings, I can't believe it, hoping it's going to last (been 4 weeks so far) really hoping it's going to work on holiday this year and save me starting it off with 2 or 3 nights of very little sleep

I second blackout blinds or dark curtains that helps us in the summer.
We have a projector nightlight..might be too stimulating with asd mind but ds is afraid of the dark.
Anything that makes a soothing noise, white noise or the sound of a fan is good.
No napping in our case, find at this age if ds naps he takes longer to fall asleep.
Warm milk and favourite toy in bed.

My dd is autistic, unfortunately she never needed much sleep - as a newborn she was awake a lot! We just accepted she didn't go to bed until 9pm, 9.30 lights out. She did love books then read to her self, we then put on music (classical, nothing too dramatic) on a cd.

I've had my fair share of 1ams trying to get her to sleep but that was mostly from 10 years old. As an adult she typically needs 5-6 hours a night, admittedly I'm similar. Waiting until later to start bedtime might not be what you want to hear but it did work for us

Sounds incredibly selfish and I feel guilty for saying it, but I really miss just having a few hours to myself in the evening

The constant late nights are burning me out. Is there any actually anything I can do that will help me have more patience and stop myself feeling like this? I feel so tired.

I think most parents feel like this if they are honest. Does DH help with this? You did say 'we' in your post but is he supporting enough?

We have the same issues with our DD7 who has adhd. Sometimes we spend nearly 2 hours getting her to bed! Things to try;

Weighted blanket(can be expensive so shop around, ours is from home bargains)
Chamomile tea(get a honey flavoured one)
Audio books
Set routine and do it the same way every night.
Read books -let him pick 2 each night
Projector light
Fan for white noise
Blackout blinds
Sleep spray(child's farm do a good one)
Sleep cream(lush do a nice one called sleepy)
Jigsaw or card games

We don't bath her every night as it has the opposite effect and overstimulates. We also keep screens out the bedroom. No squash, only water at bedtime.

My 3 year old loves her yoto player. We've set it so that it's nighttime mode starts during her bedtime routine and she can listen to the daily podcast and then she changes it over to the radio which plays sleepy music when she's ready. Her being in control really helps her.

How about a Tonie box? My DS loves to lay and listen to it. Especially the fact ones about dinosaurs or animals.

By the time it's finished he's fast asleep.