At wits end with DS bedtime

[whatdoido12345]

Literally as the title says. He's 4 year old with suspected ASD and the past few months have been horrendous at bedtime. He used to settle really easily and was in a good routine, now every night is a battle and we're lucky if he goes to sleep before 9:30/10.

He will not lie down in bed or settle in his room, he will get out of bed constantly, really play up, do things he shouldn't e.g. throw the duvet off, try to rip the curtains down etc. We end up giving in and taking him downstairs where he will eventually fall asleep on the sofa and be carried up. But we cannot keep doing this and I have no idea how to make it better.

It's like he cannot relax anymore. He's constantly hyper and full of energy. There seems to be no downtime anymore.

What do I do?

my dd was very similar at this age! does your ds turn the lights on after he’s been tucked in? My dd would keep getting out of bed and turning the light on no matter how often she was told not to and it stopped her from settling down. I eventually took the bulb out of the main light and had a plug in lamp for reading stories which I would remove so she just had a soft nightlight In there and it seemed to help. She’s 8 now and is much better although she can still get a but wild when she is over stimulated or over tired at bedtime!

I reccomend watching some Supernanny episodes from back in the day. She literally puts the child back in bed repeatedly with no interaction whilst doing so. No arguing or reasoning, just a calm almost detached (yet kind) vibe. A kid could come downstairs 30 times in a few hours but you just keep keep going with it.

Consistency is the key, they eventually give up and as they learn whatever they do gets the same outcome.

We did it with my son, its much calmer than shouting at eachother and everyone crying! They're too young to understand reasoning.

I lay in his bed and stroke his back and sing him maybe 2 or 3 little songs too. That's a calm gentle way to end the day for him.

My ds has asd , hates baths , brushing teeth /bedtime etc … if you get some now and then cards this may help, this time we will have bath this time will brush our teeth and this time we will go to bed . Sometimes they need motivating like something they really want so if I want him to have a bath I will buy him bath bombs or that crazy foam soap . Try to keep bedtime the same time every night if possible . When you put him to bed and he gets out don’t try to put him back , where he is getting frustrated and upset . Just say u can get up for 5 mins then u have to go back to bed and then just keep encouraging him to go back in his bed . I can completely understand why u want to let him come downstairs and sleep there as it is easier. My ds would rather sleep downstairs but I like having my evenings to myself so he goes to sleep in his own bed but if he wakes up then il let hon come down and sleep downstairs and carry him up . Maybe look at is he going to bed too early maybe change his bedtime until a bit later . Also I have no idea if he is going to nursery or school but I always found he use to have so much energy at this age so I use to find going to the park or even going for a walk would help burn his energy

. Is he verbal op ? Does he understand Instructions ? It does get easier op hang in there

Don't do this. It will not work for an autistic child and will almost certainly make matters worse and traumatise him. He isn't choosing this behaviour, he isn't misbehaving.

OP, personally I have found that resetting my own expectations and prioritising self care whenever I am able to has helped me to be more patient. Also lots of reading on autistic adult led Facebook groups, and listening to Yvonne Newbold seminars has helped me to reframe my own thinking which has helped enormously with my own feelings about the situation.

If you suspect you son is autistic and gets a diagnosis, your paediatrician may diagnose melatonin. This is the only thing that worked for us.

The time before melatonin was so hard and you have my sympathy xxx

Sorry - actually I just read supernanny and baulked - having reread pps post I take it back. In general I'm not a fan of supernanny but I made a mistake here.

I feel for you it’s exhausting! My 7yo daughter has just been diagnosed asd and is the same with sleep. I’ve found white noise helps her.

Thank you everyone I really appreciate all of the messages of support and it's good to know there's others who have been through it. He finally went to sleep at half 9 last night.

I've woken up this morning and I feel so down. The guilt is killing me. I know it's not his fault because of the ASD, but it doesn't make it easier. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for it, but I know I obviously just can't give up on him.

Going to try a different approach tonight. No screens etc before bed as I think that probably doesn't help at the moment. I was thinking about a weighted blanket also, it's worth a try but not sure how he will get on with it. Suppose I'll never know if I don't try

We do have a paeds appointment next month. I will mention about the sleep problems and see what he says. Do they have to have a diagnosis to get the melatonin?

Hi op.
Thus must be really tough for you. I sympathise, I have been there.
We would spend hours trying to persuade our 2 yr old to go to sleep. He would just be awake, get up frequently, we were constantly reading, hushing, stroking, listening to calming music, watching the star projector etc. He would also wake throughout the night and come into our bed. We were exhausted and like you, missed our evenings and 'our time'. Oddly he wasn't exhausted so is obviously just one of those kids who doesn't need 12 hours sleep!
In the end, we decided to just go with the flow. We let him stay up until 9, he wasn't sleeping before then anyway. And we found we were all calmer and it was a happier home. (We have 2 older children that were also getting frustrated with us constantly seeing to him). We just accepted we'd have our time when he was older.
He's now 5.5 and goes to bed at 8pm. No problems. Rarely comes into our bed during the night.
Granted he doesn't have ASD, but sometimes I think just there is too much pressure from society to stick to certain rules! My sister and mum were horrified he wasn't in bed at 7pm (still are!). But this works for us. We have quiet time playing quiet games or bath and books etc, but it's quality time rather than everyone getting het up trying to get to bed.
It's not easy, find what works for you.

Don't feel guilty, it's so bloody hard sometimes and even harder when they have ASD. Our paediatrician wouldn't diagnose melatonin, not sure why but its worth an ask in case yours will.

Are you single OP? You sound as if you are which makes it harder.

I'm no expert but I don't sleep much. The problem isn't him not sleeping it's him pulling on curtains, coming out of his room etc.

Maybe start an evening routine for you, screens off, dimmed lights, reading book. Maybe a hot chocolate. Make it a boring but restful time.

Have some things he is allowed to do once he does go to his room, listen to stories, read (once he can read), drawing maybe.