Stay out of it - or mention something? WWYD

[Justthreewords]

I completed a beginner’s course in a sport. As part of the follow on course I was paired with the only other woman. She is a shy, very sweet 18-year-old who is quite beautiful and has a figure that would be the envy of many.

I have increasingly noticed that the members of the (all male) team seem quick to put hands on to adjust her. To be fair, the course requires assistance to correct aspects of posture and alignment. But what I have noticed over the last few weeks is that in my case (unattractive, overweight middle-aged woman) these exclusively have been done verbally and by the trainer alone. Not in a single instance has a member of the team had occasion to physically correct my alignment. Not once. Which being as we are at the very same skill standard is a bit sus.

Whereas with my fellow participant it seems anyone in the team will come up at any point, make a comment about her posture not being ‘quite right’ and jump in to, for want of a better term, man handling her.

I am beginning to get very uncomfortable with what appears to be a rather opportunistic and overt reason to lay hands on her dressed up as ‘help’. I can confirm absolutely that no hands stray, there is no touching outside of where hands should be, or flirting or suggestive comments at all - but at some point during a training session (3hrs) every single member of the team seems to have a compulsion to ‘adjust’ her in some way.

Now, before anyone screams ‘OOoooh hark at you – you are jealous’ the average age of the group is late fifties/early 60’s and not a single one of them is a patch on my partner! I do not care, want or need their attention.

I am not sure how to approach this either with the team or her – or if indeed I should? My partner is of the opinion that I should stay out of it and its for her to pipe up as she is on the reviving end (and might not be bothered at all). But I am very tempted to highlight to the trainer that the ‘help’ she is getting is actually contrary in most cases to what he’s training and suggest, tactfully, that any training or adjustments come through him alone to save confusion.

What do you think?

Talk to her, not the trainer, and help her realize she does not have to put up with this.

Definitely talk to her about it. She may feel deeply uncomfortable but unable to say anything. Fucking sex pest men.

I think talk to the trainer. She is a shy teenager. It's very hard to state your boundaries in this situation . But also tell her it's ok to say no

Definitely talk to her, she probably doesn’t realise she shouldn’t expect this to happen. Then talk to the trainer so he can ask everyone to Ida e the tips and hints to him alone.

Talk to her, at 18 with a clear age difference between her and other members she might be too shy or nervous to speak up & may be grateful for your help should she want to address it with the team.

Absolutely talk with the trainer, he needs to put a complete stop to this inappropriate behaviour.

I would suggest going for a coffee after the session with her and ask her if anything is making her feel uncomfortable. Take it from there.

Definitely speak to the trainer

I would talk to the trainer; she may not be bothered or she may be struggling with how to respond to it

It sounds to me like you are being kind here, you say she is young and shy and may not feel comfortable advocating for herself and you’re trying to watch out for her. Plus, I’m sure you’ve been in this position before yourself, OP - most women have at one point or another!

I would speak to her about it, ask her if she feels uncomfortable with it etc before doing anything further.

I know you shouldn’t have to, but do you think you can ask them en masse why they keep touching her?

Think they need a public, collective shaming.

I'm in the talk to the trainer camp.

Or if you are really gutsy wait till she's popped to the loo or something and call out to everyone "hey fellas, I see lots of you happy to put hands on young X but not on middle aged me - I think you should all think about that and how you'd feel if X was your daughter". But that would be pretty full on.

God how enraging. You need to step in - she is being low level assaulted.

I think you could first of all raise it with the trainer - do NOT raise it in public without her permission.

Tell the trainer you are appalled - put the fear into them and they need to idnividually tell every man there to stop touching her.

Then take her for a chat/ coffee and gently broach it and say it's not okay from your point of view so she can also know its ok not to be okay with it.

I agree. Talk to her first. Think of it as doing her a big favour and letting her see that she doesn’t have to put up with it. Most of us spend years before learning that we can ask not to be touched.

Id also talk to the trainer esp if these men are giving incorrect information. I personally might even make a comment directly to the men when they are getting handsy with her and giving incorrect instruction.

I think it’s the duty of all older women to speak up for other women. (Because the bloody men won’t do it!)

I think you need to channel your inner Lucille ball…..
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/JN-t7OA8ClY

but in all honesty I’d probably speak to the trainer about it, they have possibly not clocked it if they are male.

Sounds like you want to look out for her and not jealousy at all. I think have a word privately with the trainer and let them deal with the rest of the team.

If the young woman feels put on the spot she might not yet be assertive enough to speak out and end up saying, oh its fine, so as not to make waves.

Talk to her before you go wading in with the trainer. She may appreciate you looking out for her or she may not be concerned and doesn't want you making a fuss. It's not your complaint to make.

Definitely speak to both of them separately: the trainer because his guidance is being undone (and he needs to be keeping a closer eye on his class as they should know they shouldn't touch other people or try to instruct them) and the participant because she needs to know that this is inappropriate and not helping her. She probably/maybe does know but doesn't know how to address it without creating an atmosphere.

Yup

This kind of behaviour is creepy but lots of young women haven't developed the confidence to deal with it firmly so I think your DP is slightly off the mark with that. Even if she doesn't want any 'fuss' the trainer shouldn't be allowing it so a quiet word with him wouldn't go amiss. Does he seem like a reasonable person or is he going to be sniggering about it with 'the blokes' in the bar?

The fact that these guys are contradicting the trainer’s instructions is a good reason for going to him.

Well do I remember being one of the quieter young women in my male dominated workplace, aged early 20s. I was embarrassed that unlike my girlfriends I could not tell the paternalistic older men not to literally pat me on the back, the knee, etc. So I can see the possibility that if you go directly to her you could inadvertently embarrass her.

Absolutely talk to her and take it from there. You’re clearly coming from a good place in considering this.

I'd talk to her first- and find out how she feels. Then if she is uncomfortable and has noticed it, I'd let her know you're happy to have a quiet world with the instructor that you'd both prefer a hands off session unless it's him.

Talk to her 100%. When I was 18 I went to a yoga class and the instructer was always helping me with my positions - as you say putting his hands on me and "adjusting" me. He also at the end of the class would go around massaging people's shoulders to relax them and weirdly, despite the class having about 30 people in it, I got my turn at the massage every second week. Naively I thought nothing of it.

One day he invited me out for lunch after the class and asked me if I would be interested in forming a sexual throple with him and his wife. I turned him down.

I went back to the class once and it was hugely uncomfortable. He ignored me completely. And I felt like absolute shit. I loved that class as well, he was a great yoga teacher. In hindsight it was so hugely inappropriate it was unreal, and it really made me feel quite violated by the whole experience, even though initially I didn't really question it.

Update. We had a session last night and because of the way the training was structured we had a bit of down time away from the main group. So I decided to mention my concerns. Despite being careful and tactful I got a technicolor flashback to what it was like to be 18 by watching the cringing teenage horror flash across her face because 'a grownup' was making 'a fuss'. She visibly recoiled from the whole conversation and shut me down fast. It was apparent she was absolutely mortified and I was told under no uncertainty terms i was to not say anything to anyone.

At the end of the session (which was just as handsy as previous) she had obviously been stewing over the whole thing and hissed at me as we were leaving that by saying something it had made her hyper aware so the whole session had been awkward and uncomfortable for her.

I was rather put out by this and the fact that she seemed to be directing her ire at me so I was a bit short with her that she best remember that the blame for this whole issue lays elsewhere so stop with the misplaced anger.

So consider the messenger shot.